There probably are things which one should be grateful to their parents for but that's another topic. This thread is about if family is important to you, not if you should be grateful to them for wiping your backside when you couldn't thus the question relies on forgiveness and not gratefulness unless you're talking about them being grateful that even after all their mistakes, you still have their back. But you're saying that one should be grateful, not them being grateful. There's a difference, your using gratefulness the other way around and I don't believe it to have any bearing to the question.
Actually my initial and subsequent responses are connected to your question; they are very relevant and I will try to explain:
Do you consider family important even if they were never there for you? Would you still be there for them? Or is there a line and once that's been crossed there's no going back?
Look at the first sentence of your post. You have based importance on the condition that the other person should "be there" for you. This means that if one has been there for you, you will therefore consider them to be important. If one has not been there for you, you will not think they're important.
Now when you say "were never there for you," my response challenged this claim of yours. Generally when we are resentful toward a person, we see nothing good in them at all. So, in my post, I was trying to encourage you to scour your memory for even the most basic support your parents had shown you...even if it was support for your survival.
Putting parents aside, I think that when we are deciding whether or not a person (a friend, etc) is important to us...and whether or not we should still maintain ties with them.....we asses the relationship. In doing so, we think about all the negative things and the positive things about the person. The former may outweigh the latter. But you have to decide if the few good things are enough for you to maintain even a thread of a connection with them. And it's these few good things that bring about a feeling of gratitude (if not love) that can be the reason to not totally sever ties. It's all connected and therefore I find my response to be relevant to your question even if you disagree.
I loved my sis in law and totally looked up to her. I thought she was the quintessential daughter in law and sis in law. I mean she was the nicest person before but I don't know what happened to her in the last couple years. My brother treats her so well and loves her so much and she seems to have two perfect kids and a great job. I've noticed that she's become a bit full of herself and I don't even recognize her anymore. i still love her because she's my brother's wife and he loves her a lot but she went on full drama queen mode the last time she had a big bash for her son.
As just a passing comment I asked her how much the hairstylist right downstairs would cut off just to shape my hair because I had uneven ends on my hair. I didn't really want to get my hair cut. While we were waiting for her son's hair to be cut she asks me to go down with her so we can get my hair cut....i'm like I really don't need it cut, I like it long so it's not a big deal but she convinced me to go. The hairstylist wanted to cut a lot more than just a bit to shape the hair so i just said it's no big deal and that we should just go up. My sis in law kept insisting that it would look good and that I should get it cut atleast 4 or 5 times. I'm thinking in my head, why force me if I never really wanted the hair cut and I like it long. so after the 5th time of insisting and the hairstylist was all ready to chop off my hair...I felt like I was being cornered and frustrated I just blurted out, "if she cuts it i might get angry so let's just go back upstairs and concentrate on my nephew's hair cut". My sis in law took the part about me getting angry personally. And she in turn got all huffy and "you'll get angry with me????". I'm thinking why is she taking it so personally and on top of that why is she going into drama queen mode and when we got upstairs and home in front of my dad and bro she went full on scary mode and complained to my brother that I didn't even want the hair cut and I just wanted to ask the stylists opinion and when I tried to explain it to my brother and father she screamed at me shouting " don't waste my time if you didn't want a haircut....." I was just quiet and after that big drama, I was in awe and I just went to my room because I was just shocked about which beast took over my nice, sweet sis in law's body. It was like something out of the exorcist and I just didn't understand why it turned into something that wasn't even necessary especially in front of my nephew and other family members. If I had just let my sis in law chop all my hair off like she wanted she wouldn't have blown up on me like that. I'm still thinking what I did wrong....I just don't like it when I'm being forced to do something I clearly was not comfortable with. Maybe saying "I might get angry if she cuts it that much" might not have been the right words.
All this because of a forced hair cutting session. I don't want my relationship to be spoiled with her I love my brother and her so i'm willing to forgive but for her it was like nothing happened. She's changed a lot and has become quite controlling where everything has to be how she wants it. Stupid situations like this happen between family members and we have to look past them.
Actually my initial and subsequent responses are connected to your question; they are very relevant and I will try to explain:
Look at the first sentence of your post. You have based importance on the condition that the other person should "be there" for you. This means that if one has been there for you, you will therefore consider them to be important. If one has not been there for you, you will not think they're important.
Now when you say "were never there for you," my response challenged this claim of yours. Generally when we are resentful toward a person, we see nothing good in them at all. So, in my post, I was trying to encourage you to scour your memory for even the most basic support your parents had shown you...even if it was support for your survival.
Putting parents aside, I think that when we are deciding whether or not a person (a friend, etc) is important to us...and whether or not we should still maintain ties with them.....we asses the relationship. In doing so, we think about all the negative things and the positive things about the person. The former may outweigh the latter. But you have to decide if the few good things are enough for you to maintain even a thread of a connection with them. And it's these few good things that bring about a feeling of gratitude (if not love) that can be the reason to not totally sever ties. It's all connected and therefore I find my response to be relevant to your question even if you disagree.
I still disagree with you. You're taking what I've said "never there for you" literary when you know exactly what I mean by the question asked. Also. It's not a claim. Its fact. Wiping someone's behind doesn't mean someone was there for you. Being there for someone includes emotionally, physically, guidance etc that's being there for someone. Friends and family are different things and different topics. They don't compare at all in my opinion. And FYI. You proved my point. With friends you do show gratitude cause sometimes they are there for you emotionally etc and it works both ways. When I said "never there for you" with family, that's a one way street. Gratitude / gratefulness wouldn't exist on my part if my friends "were never there for me" either. It would be gratitude on my part for still allowing them to be apart of my world. Same logic applies to family.
Of course but whas up with the whole drama session by her.:hinna: I even despise those desi soap operas so this whole thing was a bit much. It’s going to take me a few months just to regroup and move past it since I don’t see her in the same way anymore. No grudges.
Sentry, may I ask why you're asking this question? Is it because you're trying to decide if you should "stop" being there for your family? Or have you already decided that you don't want to be there for them and now trying to figure out if it's the right decision based on our responses?
I feel people will have different interpretations of "never there for you." Some might limit it only to emotional support and guidance, others may expand it to include various ways of support. For some people who have been deeply hurt by their parents, may support them during a crisis simply based on the fact that yeh meray ma baap, inhon ne mujhay paida kia and though they were severely deficient in they way brought me up, to an extent they did raise me even if it was only to provide the bare minimum. Maybe that's why they say blood is thicker than water. Sometimes parents' behavior is a result of their own unhealthy upbringing. Anyway not trying to argue with you or pressure you to maintain ties with your family as you know them better than me. You that you will get a variety of opinions here and mine is only one among others.
One's decision may be influenced by faith/God. It may be influenced by their hope that their kindness or being a better person may guide their parent. Or by evaluating long term consequences, etc.
chalk it up to PMS and move on ... everyone has their not so good moment once in a while.
Or chalk it up to demonic possession. That's better. You really think mother of the girl in The Exorcist would have been so forgiving it were just PMS?
GG, just tell yourself she's possessed and you'll feel more love for her.
I don’t know your situation well enough to even make an assumption. You haven’t provided detail, hence I asked the questions in the previous post. We can agree to disagree.
Sometimes the OP will ask about a personal situation but start out with few details or word it generally. But you are absolutely right. I went back and I read through my posts and I realize that I did indeed make assumptions and that wasn’t right of me. So, I apologize for my mistake. :flowers:
chalk it up to PMS and move on ... everyone has their not so good moment once in a while.
Or chalk it up to demonic possession. That's better. You really think mother of the girl in The Exorcist would have been so forgiving it were just PMS?
GG, just tell yourself she's possessed and you'll feel more love for her.
i agree pisiform that it was a bad day and I am planning to move on even if it's unresolved.
rv, I just saw it as stress relief for her because she was standing over me and pointing at me and screaming. I must have cried a good couple times throughout that day after that. I could've screamed back but I just can't do that to her b/c of the level of respect I have for her. I did say what's up with the drama my sis in law's name to her before she got even angrier because I was totally stunned. She never over reacts like this and is whenever i've seen her the calm and quiet one. Honestly, I think I have something in me that brings out the worst in people that's why I tend to think long and hard before I speak but even the responses I think over end up causing issues. How would you have responded to being convinced or made to get a hair cut because someone close thinks it's a good idea? It was right before a big event so that's why I didn't want to rush into it.
These are real life family issues and me being able to respond diplomatically matters.
She's done sweet things for me a couple years ago so I hope she comes back to being like that again.
