So I have a question. A friend of mine had a baby about 5 months ago. She is a SAHM (has never worked) and her sisters and mom are close by and help her out with the baby a lot. About a month ago she told me she wanted to join me at a day spa I am going to. I made the appointment for both of us the sent her a text to let her know and to confirm whether the date and time was fine. She never responded back to me. I then sent her a follow up text a few days before the booking to confirm. She never responded. Now the day before she sends me a text asking the address and time? I am confused. When I didn’t hear from her I went ahead and cancelled her booking as the treatment costs about $500 (to avoid incurring charges I cancelled her which they do and in fact I cancelled her booking after I didn’t hear from her the second time). I rang her and she said she hadn’t gotten back to me because she had been busy with the baby. I don’t get it…is a baby really that much work that you can’t reply to a text? She goes out shopping etc but couldn’t respond to me? Am I in the wrong for cancelling her appointment?
On a side note, how long did most ladies here wait after marriage to have their first baby? (Sorry if this has been discussed before). Is it really better to have your kids done before 30 or is that just a myth?
Maybe she really was so busy she didn’t check her phone? If i’m busy i won’t get to my phone until after my son is in bed…but i always chexk my phone for texts/calls/VM’s/other notifications. So that seems weird, to me anyways.
As for having kids before 30…varies from person to person. There are pros and cons to both - if you’re younger…i guess you’re more active with kids and don’t feel it as much. But it might take longer/be tougher to establish yourself in ur career (if that’s something u want). As someone older than 30, you wouldn’t have to worry about career/finances…all your attention could be to baby. But you’d also be facing a sort of dilemma/time crunch cos as you get older…birth defect chances get higher.
It only takes a person a few seconds to text back. If they cant find time to do so then responding back is not their priority. And yes baby is a lot of work with or without help.
Thanks for the replies - that’s what I thought that it was strange but oh well!
In terms of married life, does it change a lot after having a baby? Is it better to spend quality time with the husband for a couple of years FIRST ( and travel etc) before having kids? I just turned 26.
i dont have a baby but i know life definitely changes alot after a baby. its a big responsibility. there is really no right answer to how many years you should wait before having a baby. it all depends on how badly you want a child, your finances, your goals. i personally want to wait for a couple of years but my husband really wants to have a baby so i will have to try in a couple of months. but if you and your husband want to wait, it shouldn’t be a problem, you’re only 26. i have already traveled enough so thats not a reason for me anymore.
A baby is indeed a lot of work, and not only that the sleepless nights really affected my memory and made me very forgetful, I just couldn’t recall so much stuff, people’s names from the past, where is had kept the keys, I would have to get up and search to find them. So yeah I would cut your friend some slack. Those who are mommies can understand how some days are good, some are ok and some can be whack with the mommies not getting a few moments to themselves.
each to their own… but it irks me beyond belief when ppl use their kids as excuses. a txt takes a sec to reply to, especially if its one that needs a response, like yours was.
if i can responsd to a txt (late but i always reply within the day) having 2 kids and all the lovely stuff that goes with being a mom… another mom can too.
you did the right thing… i would have cancelled too.
Well sometimes you Really dont get time buy i make Sure before going to BED to check my whts app Viber inbox fb everthinh if there is something important left.
i am in the same situation.. literally kids sometimes wont let u to text back someone.. it happpened to me several times that i got any msg from some friend/relative n i just thought to reply back wen i get free n till i get free i totally forget abt the msg.. kids keep u indulged with them so much.. i have got 2 kids with 15 months difference.. n sometimes i forget to make really important phone calls.. so i think she may be right,
as far as the 2nd thing, that u should wait for the baby till one or two years after marriage, i agree with that.. as i got married at the age of 22 and within 2 and a half years, got two kids., literally me n hubby didnt get enough time to be with each other.. so imo one shud wait for ATLEAST 1 year to have a baby after marriage…
It depends on the baby too though. Some are easier than others. Mine was high maintenance from the get go. He had colic for three months, various tummy issues and always wanted to be held. there were days i couldnt shower and I had my parents to help me.
regardless, she should have responded to the text. that’s no excuse.
Your friend was inconsiderate for not responding in a timely manner, that is a separate issue.
Why you felt the need to include in ( ) that she’s just a SAHM and has never worked is puzzling.
Muniya is right, some people are not good at multi tasking. There is no cookie cutter manual to babies, motherhood or parenting. Everyone handles it differently, all babies behave differently.
So yea, to answer your question, babies are a lot of work.
Yes babies are a LOT of work. A SAHM works harder than any one of us. Maybe she forgot, maybe it wasn’t high on her priority to check her phone, maybe she has a difficult baby, there are so many factors. Condemning her for not following up on a spa date isn’t fair, you don’t know how frazzled she may have been or any other factors. Taking care of a baby all day is INCREDIBLY hard, so when you have some free time, some people might check their phone, some people might take a nap, and some might just sit and stare at a wall. Let’s not judge this poor woman.
She probably wasn’t sure she would actually be able to make it work in advance, as no matter how much help you have, there are some things only a parent will be able to handle. So she put off committing in the beginning, and then remembered at the last minute. It’s not that the baby is sososososo much work, but it’s that a baby makes it so that you don’t have much control over your own time, especially in the early days.
honestly.. if i had a difficult baby (which i did ), i wouldnt rope in someone else who already had a spa plan, bother them with getting me a time too… and then go awol on them… knowing fully well how brain dead i am from being with a fussy kid …
i also agree with khatti… no need to mention she is a SAHM that hasnt worked.. that makes no diff. or are we meant to think she is an imbecile cuz she hasnt done so and is JUST a SAHM… and lacks the manners of repylyin to a txt.. had she been working she would have replied???
I think she foolishly thought she’d be able to do stuff because as a first-time mom you convince yourself that nothing really has to change. But it does.
As for the SAHM thing, it’s only relevant in that she’s probably not used to being away from the child and doesn’t have all the logistics worked out for spending the day away.
You did the right thing by cancelling; but however no one knows what actually happened to her for not getting back promptly, kids can get sick within hours out of the blue, I have 3 kids under 5 years of age and It happens to me all the time, so I never plan anything even in a week’s advance notice, it’s either a night before or sometimes that day of?. Better to be safe and to avoid a situation like this?
She is most probably still a rookie at this mom-thing; cut her some slack, Stay-at-home-mom jab you took? I personally think it’s no one’s business but hers and her husbands. No one should have a comment on that part. But if her making/cancelling plans becomes a continuing behaviour then I would surely throw a hissy fit myself.
A baby is A LOT of work, regardless of who’s near by or not.
And the question about having kids before 30 or not; again it all depends on your lifestyle, but doctors do suggest that pregnancy rate may (not always) decline with age.
I really think a lot of slack needs to be given to a mom, ESPECIALLY a first time mom who has no clue what she is in for. No matter how prepared one is, one isn’t prepared till they are in hot water. It’s learning on the job when it comes to motherhood and if you, OP, were a mom already, which inshallah at some point in time you will be, you will only then understand it. As did all of us.
Many first time moms don’t even have the time to do such spa treatments the first year of motherhood. Your own whims get backtracked. And sometimes smses can get shoved lower and lower on the priority list especially when a LO is yelling for your attention every two hours and especially when all you need in the first three four months is three hours of uninterrupted sleep. For whatever reasons, baby, own recovery, lactation, aches and pains, hormonal imbalances, you just cannot sleep in the first few months. Not as much as you need to function like a NORMAL HUMAN BEING imho. And forgetfulness is big!!! You may keep intending to reply or do something and mommybrain just doesn’t translate it. It simply doesn’t.
It’s ok that you cancelled but you need to really cut her slack. You will understand when your time comes and you will appreciate when anyone cuts YOU slack. And know this, no matter how much help you have, your baby is YOUR BABY and even your husband cannot substitute your place for your baby at all in the first few months. When that baby cries, you will be tugged towards that kid. It’s Allah’s way.
As for you enjoying with husband and quality time, well that will change immensely post baby. Quality time may just be talking about your baby mostly and reveling in the milestones he/she achieves. Travel is very difficult and dates are difficult and exhaustion will win over dating most days.
That said, you have no control over when and how you will have a child. Allah’s will. So don’t think too much and just be happy and thankful in whatever phase you are!
