It was not me who said that people who deal with infertility are bitter.I was responding to earlier posts in this thread.Infertility is a condition,just like other life conditions like divorce,separation, any other illness like cancer maybe or even unemployment for some.Everyone deals with these situations differently.Some are fortunately very good at pretending and hiding the inner feelings and some might not even know and act out in a way which might lead to others getting uncomfortable around them and making certain generalizations.It is overall a little hard to be around such people.You have to be careful what you say to them,just to ensure that you do not hurt their feelings in any way.
^ I guess one of the themes of this thread is HOW to be sensitive to someone experiencing infertility. I think no one here wants to overstep and say something unintentionally unkind (like I did in my example), but on the other hand, I believe that some women and men facing infertility might actually resent it when others ignore the matter at hand. So what's the happy medium? How can you be a friend who's sympathetic (without pitying the other person) and supportive?
These are comments I have received from someone close to me who has fertility issues:
“Your life is just so easy. You have no problems at all (getting pregnant)”. This, and a lot more, was said very clearly with a negative tone. The “bitterness” is brought up even in discussions about a third-party who is not even present. “How can she have any problems? She has a child. Who cares about her divorce”…
With these types of people who express their frustrations in this manner every chance they get, I will personally keep my distance. It’s not healthy.
P.S. I must admit that I sound bitter! Bitterness breeds bitterness which is why it is so, very important, to self-reflect on what we say and how we behave, regardless of our own issues.
"Do you guys even realize how this (i.e. a dying family member's illness) is taking a toll on our lives? How are we supposed to conceive? Time is running out for us. We've given up so much to take care of xyz. We have to be there for xyz all the time. What about us?!! You don't have to deal with all this!"
"Your life is just so easy. You have no problems at all (getting pregnant)". This, and a lot more, was said very clearly with a negative tone. The "bitterness" is brought up even in discussions about a third-party who is not even present. "How can she have any problems? She has a child. Who cares about her divorce".....
and if you complained or said even "uff" to this sort of treatment you would be the insensitive one cuz you couldn't put your feelings aside ..........right?
what stopped you from saying: "How am I responsible for your inability to conceive and carry a child? What is my fault in all this?"
^ I guess one of the themes of this thread is HOW to be sensitive to someone experiencing infertility. I think no one here wants to overstep and say something unintentionally unkind (like I did in my example), but on the other hand, I believe that some women and men facing infertility might actually resent it when others ignore the matter at hand. So what's the happy medium? How can you be a friend who's sympathetic (without pitying the other person) and supportive?
There were some people in my family (mostly girls who had just moved to US after marrying into our family) who did know anything about childbirth, much less infertility and the miracles of modern medicine who would make stupid/insensitive comments without really realizing it or would question me to death at the most inopportune times...I learned to keep my medical history/problems out of conversation with them and instructed my aunts/cousins (who were more informed) not to discuss these issues with them. It kept me from getting upset/bitter. When the topic would inevitable come up at one of our frequent family get togethers, I would redirect the conversation elsewhere. Problem solved. I remember during round 2 of IVF, the only people who even knew that we had restarted the process were my mom, sister and khala. The rest of the 50+ person khandaan didn't even know I was pregnant until we announced we were having twins at 12 weeks....lol!
Speaking from experience, I would suggest to just take your cues from whomever you are talking to. Some women are like Chatty Cathy's and need to tell the whole free world about their struggles, it can be therapuetic to get it all out...others, who are may reserved, will bristle at ever "inshallah it will happen soon".....safest bet is to use your eyes/ears/heart and decide what to say or not to say.....And if the friend gets upset/offended...apologize and move on. We all have bigger fish to fry. I never expected my woes to supercede or matter more than anyone else's.
And I try to apply that to all facets of life in general.
I speak for myslef only.I am a reserved person and when started facing fertility issues I got even more reserved in a sense I did not like to talk a lot about it.I had a few very close friends (one who did not have any kids at that time and another one who had gone through the whole fertility treatments herself).These were the only people I expected to understand me and ask me.
Regarding what Sehrysh asked,I never felt any resentment towards anyone who ignored the fact that I was without a kid for so long.It was a relief infact and as I said before I only speak for myslef and somehow think mots people like myslef would actually not feel bad if you do not bring up the issue yourself.
Mehnaz...It is a wrong thing to say.Getting pregnant is not the only worry in the world and if someone has such comments to share I would keep my distance as well.
At the end it all comes down to the fact that thee are different ways of coping with a similar situation.Some do it well and some just fail at it.
very nice presentation midnighteyes.....thanks for sharing that link.
for the vast majority the message in there is clear....any heart would melt if someone so eloquently and softly asked for understanding rather than demanding it.
and if you complained or said even "uff" to this sort of treatment you would be the insensitive one cuz you couldn't put your feelings aside ..........right?
what stopped you from saying: "How am I responsible for your inability to conceive and carry a child? What is my fault in all this?"
It reached a point where I did say it ... and it wasn't a pretty conversation.
After trying for an year n a half naturally and after failed 6 medicated cycles, i am still here waiting and hoping. Sometimes it feels that IF has taken over our lives, we are still young but i feel old from inside. There is a constant heartache that i cannot explain, the longing to hold our baby in my arms is unbearable sometimes. People facing IF sometimes become overly sensitive and may be a little bitter sometimes but i guess the party on the other side should understand this and if they cant say anything kind, they just shouldnt say anything. I know it might be difficult if the other person is sarcastic and bitter but your rude and insensitive answers wont make you bigger or her smaller, so why not just give a dua or ignore. Only the person undergoing through IF can understand what its like, i cannot expect my friends who have kids or who got pregnant easily to comprehend what i am going through. Thats why i havent told anyone about my problems. Just my parents and one of my closest friends know about it. I only told her because sometimes you really need someone to talk to, someone who will just listen to your woes and be there. Its very tough, the road is bumpy, there hardly goes a day when i dont cry or sigh in shower. Its excruciating and painful!
I am fine with people giving duas and hugs, i need them. We all need them. And i do agree that sometimes we might go over the board in complaining about IF and you might feel like that we are being rude, impatient, unthankful or sarcastic (may be we do sometimes, we have our good and bad days too). All i am asking is a little tolerance and sensitivity on your part.
Right now, all my friends have kids. Some have two. I love them and pray for them every chance i get. Yes i satisfy my mamta by holding and playing with my friend's baby, i feel great, happy and i love them to bits. But they dont say anything like awww you will have a baby of your own soon. If they want to give me dua, they should quietly, they dont need to imply that on my face unless i am crying over their shoulders, telling them my raam katta. Yes we do satisfy our mamta by holding the kids we love because we long to have kids of our own, because we love babies but we dont want others to imply our IF for us. Actually infertility is a very sensitive issue, even if what the person is saying is true and we might not mind saying that ourselves but when it comes from someone else mouth, it hurts.
All we want is duas, good listeners, a little tolerance to bear our insensitivity on our bad days and sometimes a shoulder to cry on!
8 years I dealt with infertility. The amount of resiliance it took not to give up - I can't put into words.
let me see anyone deal with any issues for 8 yrs and not get a little aggitated.
8 years is too much, bohat hosla chahyie. I admire your courage and i am so happy that mashAllah you were rewarded This gives me hope too, Allah ke ghar dair hai andhair nahi!
Wow some people can be rather insensitive. Infertility is a horrible thing to endure and it's natural that one might feel bitter and resentful at times. It's human nature. Even the strongest of us all will fall apart if month after month, we fail to conceive. Also unlike divorce, or death of a spouse or parent at an early age, the pain that accompanies infertility does NOT heal with time. In fact it gets worse since that precious window of opportunity is closing down.
So what if these girls are bitter at times. They have a right to be since 90% of the people in the world have no problem getting pregnant and these girls feel isolated. They're going through something we can't even fathom. It's not as if they are pushing down pregnant women down the stairs!! A bit of empathy would be greatly appreciated by them. Also I personally have never come across women struggling with infertility to be mean or bitter. They might be depressed and rightly so. But give them time and if they turn to you, just offer them your shoulder. I don't know why some people are asking "how do you respond to women who are struggling with infertility"? The answer is pretty obvious....the same way you would respond to anyone going through an incredibly difficult time!!
what stopped you from saying: "How am I responsible for your inability to conceive and carry a child? What is my fault in all this?"
Sorry Muzna, but these are the harshest words I have ever read ...
you see , guys, this is not really about fertility or infertility .. its much more than that .. we are told from the very beginning that us women are the child bearers , religion holds so much importance for child bearing women. They have many rights and luxuries that non child bearers dont have .. inability to concieve doesnt just impact one's emotions, but physical and mental health, it hits ones ego ... suddenly there is insecurity that finds its place within a woman despite everyone around her telling her the otherwise ...
If one does become agitated by it all .. please know that different people handle pressure differently .. some may totally be at the breaking point .. clearly in this situation the one with a more balanced life should take the responsibility to either remain quiet and maintain a healthy distance so it doesnt impact them , like Mehnaz said or just simply ignore the harshness ...
an uncle , who I used to care for, was physically challenged , he was on a wheel chair and felt very depressed and distraught at times , so much so that he started detesting normal people around him who could walk and run and be self dependent ... he was very bitter , but I always knew that Allah put me in a more comfortable situation then him hence, instead of feeling victimized , I need to show greater levels of patience and ignore as much as I can the bitterness that engulfs him ..
I think its the same case with this fertility / infertility thing too ..
You are right CB. Even after having a child I have heard someone tell me 'so what you have a child...you weren't able to do it on your own'.It is like a stigma attached to me now.I am not good enough of a woman as I was not able to get pregnant the way the majority of the women do.It was an isolated comment,and not everyone is as insensitive as this person,but even this was enough to make me feel bad.
You have to walk in one's shoes to know exactly how they feel (not that I wish that on anyone).Someone who just tried for a few months without any fertility issues will not understand what the other person who has been undergoing treatments for a few years now,feels or thinks.It is not a competition of any sorts and I do not hate women who get pregnant easily by any means.
Infertility is not merely failure to conceive.It is so much more than that.I had my daughter after 7 years of getting married.We tried and took few breaks in between,but it was by no means anything easy.
If you have not experienced anything in life,just do not be too quick to pass an opinion or judgement.Easier said than done for sure,and even I might have been guilty at times.
I don't think Muzna or anyone else here is making light of the struggles and heartbreak of infertility. Again, I am only speaking for myself, but a lesson I have learned in life after suffering 4 miscarriages, 2 laprascopic surgeries to correct the damage from Stage 4 Endometriosis & PCOS, 1 year of medicaly induced menopause, 2 rounds of IVF, complete bedrest, carrying twins, delivering twins prematurely, an ultimately a complete hysterectomy, and then oh yes, having both my parents die 30 days apart from eachother right after my hysterectomy is that** there is always someone worse of then you!** That is what kept things in perspective for me. I mean from GS alone, like in this thread, I'm seeing women who have been struggling for 8-10 years with infertility...that's longer than I did, my first baby was born after I had been married 5 years...
I have a friend who went through IVF, concieved twins, and then went into early labor during her 6th month, and lost both of her precious babies. I know another friend who's amniotic sac unexlainably was slowly leaking and her baby was a still birth....I was mourning the loss of mother and father, while a family friend burried her child & husband within the same year...My whole point in this post (cause I have a feeling I'm not conveying myself properly!) is that we all need to remember to treat everyone with empathy and respect, regardless of having shared experiences/knowledge. I don't think it's fair or right to say that a divorce or death is any more or less important than the pain of infertility.
That is all. If I offended anybody by my words, I do apologize.
I don't think Muzna or anyone else here is making light of the struggles and heartbreak of infertility. Again, I am only speaking for myself, but a lesson I have learned in life after suffering 4 miscarriages, 2 laprascopic surgeries to correct the damage from Stage 4 Endometriosis & PCOS, 1 year of medicaly induced menopause, 2 rounds of IVF, complete bedrest, carrying twins, delivering twins prematurely, an ultimately a complete hysterectomy, and then oh yes, having both my parents die 30 days apart from eachother right after my hysterectomy is that** there is always someone worse of then you!** That is what kept things in perspective for me. I mean from GS alone, like in this thread, I'm seeing women who have been struggling for 8-10 years with infertility...that's longer than I did, my first baby was born after I had been married 5 years...
I have a friend who went through IVF, concieved twins, and then went into early labor during her 6th month, and lost both of her precious babies. I know another friend who's amniotic sac unexlainably was slowly leaking and her baby was a still birth....I was mourning the loss of mother and father, while a family friend burried her child & husband within the same year...My whole point in this post (cause I have a feeling I'm not conveying myself properly!) is that we all need to remember to treat everyone with empathy and respect, regardless of having shared experiences/knowledge. I don't think it's fair or right to say that a divorce or death is any more or less important than the pain of infertility.
That is all. If I offended anybody by my words, I do apologize.
I am so sorry for the loss of your parents :( If only we can look into things like you said, theres a lot to learn.
Bitterness breeds bitterness which is why it is so, very important, to self-reflect on what we say and how we behave, regardless of our own issues.
This gives me hope too, Allah ke ghar dair hai andhair nahi!