Interesting Blog on Infertility

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Re: Interesting Blog on Infertility

Thank you for saying this ..... Nobody likes to be on the receiving end of taanay under any circumstances hugs

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very true CB.
it was completely intentional......just to show that a person could respond in kind when on the receiving end of taanay....and to show that the vast majority of times people don't.
people tolerate and that's the way it should be.

as for the comments about 90% of the folks being able to easily conceive......so not true!!!

and double thanks to khattichic for laying everything bare before us.....as well as recognizing that death, divorce, separation or anything else can be more or less painful......anyone that suggests one issue is greater than the other is simply misguided.

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Re: Interesting Blog on Infertility

Here you go: :slight_smile:

Conception Concepts - MSN Health - Pregnancy: “In fact, 80 percent to 85 percent of women become pregnant within one year of trying, 90 percent to 95 percent are pregnant within two years, and the remaining 5 percent to 10 percent are considered to have fertility problems.”

Let me know if you want me to cite more sources.

And I never ever suggested going through a divorce or losing a parent is any less painful. They are indeed very traumatic events but time DOES heal in these instances. I have seen it time and again and having gone through a traumatic experience myself, I know time is the best healer under these circumstances. However, when dealing with infertility, you’re amidst this lifelong struggle and every month leads to disappointment. You always carry this small hope within you that maybe this is the month but yet again you’re disappointed. It’s a lot harder to get closure when dealing with infertility.

Anyways to each their own but I definitely think it’s very important to empathize with people who want something so bad yet can’t have it through no fault of their own.

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Re: Interesting Blog on Infertility

Responding to a rude remark or 'taana' in the same way,regardless of the context...two wrongs do not make it right...IMO.

No where in this thread have I come across any comment which says that infertility,separation,divorce,death of a loved one or any other unfortunate life event is greater than the other and those who struggle with them and face them are better than others.This thread was targeted towards infertility,hence the related discussion .
The only think that irked me when it was said a few times in this thread that people struggling with infertility are bitter,because this is a huge generalization.I said it before and others mentioned it too,respect others and if you have not walked in one's shoes do not be too quick to pass a judgement or label them.It is never pleasant to be at the receiving end of a rude remark no matter you have 5 kids or you have been trying for 5 years.

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Wow…up until now I’ve tried to stay neutral and non-judgemental, but this post of yours is forcing me to eat my own words…

I would unequivically say that watching both my mother and father (the ones who brought me into this world)literally die in front of my eyes of cancer was a whole hell of lot more painful and tramuatic than my problems with infertility. That is what keeps me up at night…the sight of my mother struggling to take her last breaths…watching the cancer ravish my father’s brain to the point that he could not recognize me…that is what i sought grief counseling for, not the inability to bear children…

I look at my 3 beautiful boys that I went through hell and back for to concieve and give birth to and all I see are my parents…only then am I truly greatful for all I’ve been given…

Did you even read a single word of my previous post? What qualifies you to say that infertility deserves more empathy? Your pain and longing is really that much more important than the fact that my friend burried her 16 year old son and then 6 months later her husband?? Sorry to say my friend, but time does not heal all wounds…some wounds stay open for ever…

May I also add that my ability or should I say, non ability to have children did not define me or my marriage…had Allah SWT chosen not to bless me with my kids, my husband and I would still have each other and would still live our lives with purpose.

Your post wreaks of me, me, me and I’m sorry to sound harsh, because believe me, I DO know what you are going through, but this attitude of yours is what gives women facing infertility the image of being bitter harpies.

Utterly and totally disgusting.

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Muzna,

your message in this thread is not getting across. Sensitivities are too high .... and personally, i don't appreciate having the divorce card thrown into the mix. Frankly, it should not have even been raised as an insult on the first page and reiterated on the second page. Why is it even being raised as a comparison only to be told the pain of divorce or losing a parent is minimal compared to being infertile?

Is it really? My marriage finally fell apart the same week that my father died and my son was born. A lot of you already know what happened to my dad, I will not go into it.

Time does not give you closure you need to heal .... months of therapy, going for counselling and doing major work on your own mindset, which can take years, is what allows you to heal. That is what helps you heal after any traumatic event.

I can totally believe people who are trying to get pregnant go through trauma when they realize they aren't month after month. Everybody needs counselling to deal with trauma. This is just reality ... but to minimize one persons' pain in favour of another's is just so wrong .....

I am not coming back into this thread ... good luck to all of you.

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And I fail to understand when and how it became a competition of which life event or experience is worse.If divorce or losing a parent was mentioned,it was not something personal or targeted towards anyone who had been through it...it was quoted as an example of an unfortunate life experience.

Before I get any more annoyed,I am outta here....:)

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I completely agree :hugz:

There is no competition. That’s my point. For someone to come and say that death of a parent, divorce or other tramuatic experiences just need “time to get over” and that infertitlity deserves more empathy is flat out selfish and insulting.

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wow... heated discussion

Muzna, you touched on a issue in regards to male and infertility, but the discussion got driven into a different direction (about husbands being supportive of their wife)... i actually read it in a different light... male infertility.

I know of a beautiful couple struggling with this. And i cant put into words how beautiful the two are... they are just such a complete pair... I dont know how much pain they go through. They adore kids... but noone in the family will ever say "Awwww inshallah one day...". We just get on with things... and they do too. We know they love kids.. they adore all their nephews and neices and every other kid... its just the way they are..

May Allah bless them one day too... more so then the beautiful blessing they are to one another

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Ummm I am not facing infertility. I just had a baby three months ago and was able to conceive within just 3 months. I just empathize with people who are facing this issue. So I am definitely not 'bitter'.

I am sorry to hear about your loss. And I never said dealing with death is easier or less painful. There is no competition about which experience is worse! You're completely missing my point. I also never said people need 'time to get over' death or a divorce. But time does help. My cousins lost their very young mother in a plane crash two years ago!! in a plane crash!! They had a funeral of just her hand....and they were very bitter and resentful (rightly so!). But now all the kids have accepted it and are at peace. Of course it still hurts but now they fondly talk of their mom and laugh about the memories they shared with her. What fond memories does one have when dealing with infertility? Of course every person has a million things to be thankful for but it's human nature to want a child of your own. I am 100% sure had I faced infertility, I would have never recovered from not being able to experience the joy of having a child.

Again it's not a competition. The only reason I mentioned other traumatic experiences was to highlight that people become resentful when faced with those events as well. The only difference is with time, those wounds are no longer fresh and do start to heal, though never completely. The wounds of infertility stay fresh for a very long time because it is an ongoing struggle that probably ends when a woman enters her menopause!

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Interesting Blog on Infertility

This is about infertility and it really is unfair to compare it to any other difficult situation life throws our way. Everyone has their suitcase full of issues and it really isn't fair to say one is worse or more heal-able than the other. As far as taanay go, people finds ways to chuck them like candy towards others. Desi dna zindabad!!!

My take in infertility is that as emotionally, physically and mentally challenging it can be, it also pulls out an insane amount of strength and perseverance from the darkest part of you. It isn't easy shooting yourself with hormones (they mess up your emotions horribly) and having ultrasounds done that leave you vulnerable and open in front of nurses and doctors. The medicines weren't the difficult part for me, nor were the glances of pity, sympathy or kindness that were sent my way, it was the ultrasounds that I dreaded, the actual iui process was horrible for me because my anatomy, my life was up in stirrups for the people in that room to see!!! Literally!! I am a very private person and dealing with infertility literally robbed me of it. My inability to have children as well as the attempt to have them was out in the open and that was the impossibly hard part for me but I did it because I wanted someone to love me as much as I love my mother. I wake up with a bad dream and my mother is the one I call out to, I wanted to be called out, loved and prayed for by someone of my own. I was never bitter but I know people walked on eggshells around me. It wasn't easy for the hubs either, i would catch him praying fajr on days that were too dark for him but we never stopped trying. I stopped imagining myself as a mother, he never did. What made me absolutely bitter was news of people throwing their baby in a garbage and there was an idiot who microwaved their baby and those were the days I sadly questioned my faith. It made me question Allah. The bitterness stemmed from the coldness some mothers possessed when it came to abusing and killing a child for satisfying a crazy whim not their ability to conceive easily. Those who you are trying for a baby, My thoughts n duas are with you. Whenever the timing is right for you, Allah will reward you with a baby and that baby will be the fortunte one to be loved and longed for by someone so insanely strong and amazing.

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Nobody is making this a competition. Are you even reading the comments here? Perhaps because I know a lot of people offline I am reading things differently.

Actually the divorce comment was directed as an insult on the first page towards another guppan. That was a flat out insult and a low blow. Please do not act naïve and wipe the rude and demeaning comments by cherryontop under the carpet.

I am sorry if you are annoyed with my comments.

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I am reading the comments here and I hope you are too.Where did I insult a divorced guppan...??And I am not responsible for cherryontop's comments...!..and I stil stand by what I say...no matter what,if you have not walked in someone's shoes do not pass a judgement about them.Unfortunate life experiences,no matter what they are,make people behave and cope in different ways,some do it well and some do not.I do not find anything naive about it...
No one is gonna say it was not the right thing to do when it was said that people facing infertility are bitter.This particular thread was about this group of people and I just shared my experience which clearly was not the right thing to do.

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chips....Mehnaz has not directed her comments to you.....she is referring to something someone else has said..........and that someone isn't going to get it either....she's too busy liking posts and not getting the point.

Mehnaz......forget it.......I could have responded in kind to that post but I didn't.....let's leave it at that.

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I never said it was you who insulted a divorced person. :smack:

Nor did I say YOU were bitter. In fact, I have been on this forum long enough to understand who is who. Chips, you are gentle. You are not aggressive. I highly doubt you have an aggressive bone or muscle within you. This goes for 99% of the girls posting in this thread. You are not the type of person to lash out at others, regardless of what you were experiencing.

Frankly, I do not believe this topic applies to majority of people on THIS site. However, there is a world of different types of people out there (outside of GS) who are bitter and who subject others to their bitterness. It is not just about infertility. Their entire outlook on life is bitter and it is just very sad to observe this and watch them self-destruct.

I hope I made myself clear.

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My comments are demeaning but why is it not demeaning when you start a thread wondering why so many people that go through this difficult time end up being so very bitter. Just because one knows a couple of people who end up bitter doesn't mean a lot of them are. It's like starting a thread wondering why so many people going through divorce end up so bitter. Both are broad statements and insensitive to the person actually going through the experience.

And it's funny that just because I had strong opinions about this topic, someone naively assumed I was dealing with infertility. My intent was never to demean anyone. I don't personally know anyone on this website and I hardly post here but I was just shocked to see people making such a broad statement about how people struggling with infertility are bitter. The reason I mentioned other experiences was because we feel most hopeless when hope still exists. When hope is truly, really, totally gone, we are washed with peace and acceptance.

Alright I am going to go back to not posting anymore before I offend anyone else.

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@cherryontop -- it is not demeaning because we should be able to discuss anything at all here without offending anyone and without anyone being offended because there are no specifics here.

your comments about generalizations are correct......there shouldn't be sweeping ones.....but what do you say to the person that knows 9 couples struggling and the only ones that are not bitter are those that have successfully reached their goal? (and let me clarify that the "goal" does not mean they have conceived....it means that some have come to terms with their situation......these are the "blessed" ones.)

anyways........perhaps we're not going to be able to discuss that here and its best to let the matter drop.

poof

enough negativity.

I will wait for a reply from Afshi in Mehnaz's blog, in private message or in person as per my invitation directly to her.

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I said what I had to say and agreed and disagreed with some of the comments here.

I don't need to repeat other people's comments, and certaintly am not the kind of person that always needs to have the last word. (so please someone comment after me :D)

May Allah SWT guide and bless us all. Ameen.

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I have to end this thread on a different note..

while this thread is closed, it had no guys here so I will open it, add my comments and close it.

Its simple, dont assume you know how the person is feeling, its not just about infertility, it could be about loss, it could be anything the person is facing, disability, divorce, not getting married, unemployment, health woes... you have to understand, that while you may be asking that person something once, they may be answering the same questions or comments again and again and again and it can get overwhelming. Even with loss of my twins, I had told my siblings to take calls, and pass the message that while we appreciated the calls of sympathy, we just wanted to be left alone for now and not have to relive and recount everything with every call.

empathy is not always checking to see how someone is doing, empathy sometimes is just being there. That one hug at a time of grief rather than a lecture, one reassuring pat on the back when dealing with a failure..could mean more than narration of wise quotes, scripture, advise, ...and the less you know a person the harder it is for them to relate to you or your mindset of emotional state, and the less able you are to gauge their intentions.

This btw reaffirms my approach of keeping my wife's fertility challenges private, and our struggles with treatments etc, which most even here never heard from me until much later. The negativity, the everyone getting in your business, etc was just not worth it. For years we dealt with it..using up holiday time for IVF cycles, dealing with miscarriages, ectopics, but I did not want her exposed to any negativity so we kept it to ourselves, it was extreme enough that not even our parents or siblings knew about it, because one slip somewhere and info spreads. Sometimes I have regretted that maybe we should have been more open with our struggles and had the support from people rather than being the only form of support for each other for the most of that period, but then I guess would that have made up for the crap she would have faced?

Thank you, as I sometimes look back and have some regrets, the fact that for years begum and I dealt wit all this alone, and making excuses for missing family weddings during holidays, etc etc....as of today, questioning myself about staying private about it, is over. That was the only option because people simply dont get it.

..I started this note by saying I wanted to end this thread on a different note...so here it is

In the end..guys have a very different way of dealing with stuff...

one of my good pals, who is very religious and very proper usually...in a rather out of character style, decided to ask me, if my parts were working fine...and laughing, sadly for him it was a day we had heard some disappointing news and I was not in my usual chilled mood, i tried to brush it aside but he continued

finally, my response was to ask him to send certain female members of his family over for a bit and they could tell him all about it..

and if for a jewel of a response like that to a crude enquiry, if I will be called bitter by someone....then I wear that label with pride :)