^^ agreed; often times my behavior was taken for bitterness because that what everyone expected.
Small example - Dinner party (prior to my kids) someone kids comes over and is slapping at my plate. So I start to feed the kid; the mother "awww I/A you'll have one too"
As if she was better then me and more fulfilled or something.
The thing is I was probably more sensative to her comment but she shouldnt be assuming how I'm feeling.
I do agree that stress adds a vicious circle to the problem but people telling me not stress did nothing.
Its a very tough time to go through and everyone does it in thier own ways.
All we can ask of our friends is to support us rather then disect our feelings... at least let our feeling be pure and natural.
^^That is different.If a person comes to you crying about it and you say Inshallah it will happen (and no that is not wrong.If we cry to a friend regardless if they have kids or not,we expect to hear some comforting words...been there,done that)...it is totally different than what Muniya just said,like the woman telling her when she fed her kid that she will have one too one day.It was like that lady was implying that Muniya is feeling so empty and worthless that she thought she might feed a random kid and satisfy her mamta...
^^ A dua could have been made privately.
I pray nightly for my sisters - But I dotn come in in the morning to remind them that I prayed for them.
How about --- "thanks for feeding my kid"
Sensative topics need to be handled sensatively.
^^If that was me at the dinner party,I was not asking for a dua at that time.If you feel like giving me a dua,do it quietly...!
This was not the right moment to bring it up that I will have one too one day.I feel it was implied pity...!
But to re iterate; I was never jealous of any of my friends having babies. I was always irritated at attending a baby shower and all the “duas” that I got from aunties and other alike. I just wanted to be able to pick up a niece or nephew and and tickle them sensless w/o anyone assuming why I was doing it. Thats the reason I stopped going to baby showers and kiddy birthdays.
Hehe… Munz..u shoulda slapped the kids amd then done some name calling…if ppl stared at you horrified… U coulda just said “practice kera hi hu na…what?! Its only mumta if i hug or kiss them?!”
^ This reminds me of a moment of my own insensitivity :sid:
I have a friendly acquaintance (not close enough that she would share confidences with me) who had a then 4-5 year old daughter and I would tease her - “Toh tum apni beti ki bhai ya behan kab laa rahi ho?” It was only later that I found out that she had a few miscarriages after her first child. I felt horrid!
My lesson learned was that since that day (and it’s been 4 years), I’ve never asked any other friends the typical “when are you going to start a family” question. That experience taught me that I don’t know what a person is going through and what they may or may not be willing to share with others, so I’d better mind my own business.
see....this is exactly what I wanted to accomplish with this thread.......a truly "open" discussion.......without attacks (well almost).
at first glance the "awww" comment did not appear to be out of pity.....it seemed to be an "aww isn't that cute" kind of comment but when I looked at it from the other side, I could see how it can also be delivered and received out of pity.
lol @ "she thought she might feed a random kid and satisfy her mamta." <-- that's just too funny. would anyone ever think that way??
and in reference to the bitterness....no where did I suggest that everyone behaves this way.....but there are some very prominent examples in my life and thankfully all but one of them are able to accept that their words and actions are tainted with negativity and sarcasm.
Chips, I don't think everybody who is struggling with fertility issues is bitter/angry. However, I have witnessed people act out, whether intentionally or not, towards others who are pregnant. Unfortunately, this type of behaviour is what creates generalizations about all people who are dealing with fertility issues.
Again, everybody needs to self-reflect. The girl who acted out may not even realize how she was coming across, but she said a lot with her facial reactions and body language towards the woman who was pregnant, which unfortunately, was witnessed by everybody. We do not know what she was thinking or how she was feeling ....
And that is exactly why people think that people who are struggling with infertility are bitter and mad.
no. I disagree.
it would be foolish to assume that someone is bitter just because they avoid something that they are struggling with.....only a very insensitive person would make such an assumption.....
