I got married a few months ago, and alhumdulillah my husband and his family are all very wonderful. I have one problem though. In his family, they are more spontaneous and are used to showing up to each other’s places unannounced and making sudden plans. Numerous times, they have shown up, or sent his nieces and nephews over for a sleepover, and it’s never discussed with me in advance. I’m not accustomed to this, as in my family we always call first and discuss before making plans. I’ve turned my family down from coming over numerous times because I’d know my husband would be tired after coming home from work, for example. So it’s hurtful to me that no one, him nor his family, considers it necessary to talk to me before coming over. I’m not going to say no, but it’s my home too. Sometimes I want to sit down and put my feet up, not entertain his nieces and nephews every weekend. Hubby tells me I’m overreacting and making a big deal out of it, and that this is how his family works and I should just deal with it. Again, I have a great relationship with my inlaws, it’s just them randomly showing up or sending their kids over for the entire day that bugs me. It’s like I don’t feel secure in my living space, because I never know when someone’s going to show up. They make me feel like I don’t matter when they don’t bother discussing these things with me.
I don’t think I’m overreacting, but he keeps brushing me off saying that I am.
It also sounds like you guys are being used as free babysitting service.
LP - It may be more common in the East, but not so much in the West. But even in Pakistan, most people now will call before dropping in, unless on occasion, it's super close family. But even then, even close relatives will drop a call to make sure it is okay to come by and that people are home.
In rural Pakistan, guests are welcomed with open arms, announced or unannounced, relatives or friends. Most urban people with rural backgrounds tend to follow this trend in their urban settings as well. It becomes a problem when such people have to interact with people who have no rural background.
Having family around is a blessing, specially overseas. Id say learn to adjust to it, even if it upsets your routine a bit.
^^ Paheli, I just don't want to offend them. If my husband thinks that it's totally normal for them to show up whenever, his family likely feels the same and I don't want his siblings and their families to feel offended. When they drop the kids over, hubby is all for it because he likes to spend time with them too, which is a given. I enjoy having them around too. But then it means I have to cook for them and stuff, and I can't just leave and spend the day how I want to.
I've been married for 3 months now, and it's happened basically every weekend. We've been busy with post-wedding dawats and whatnot. And whenever we have some free time, he invites them over or they just come by. I know before the wedding he was used to spending 24/7 with them, but he's married now!
In rural Pakistan, guests are welcomed with open arms, announced or unannounced, relatives or friends. Most urban people with rural backgrounds tend to follow this trend in their urban settings as well. It becomes a problem when such people have to interact with people who have no rural background.
Having family around is a blessing, specially overseas. Id say learn to adjust to it, even if it upsets your routine a bit.
You know what, that's it. His family background is from rural Pakistan, and I was born and raised outside of Pakistan. My family is also more formal, so we don't do drop-ins. That's why it's so hard for me to get used to this. You make a valid point. Hmm...
It seems that you enjoy your in-laws' company, but you just want it a bit more scheduled so you know when to expect them and how to entertain them, as well as having time for yourself.
Is it possible to do a weekly dinner or brunch with his family or rotate that amongst all the family (one week at your place, then next week at another siblings and then the next week at his parents' place)? If you show that you're proactive with socializing with them and there's a standing "date" do you think that would help you manage the visits?
I have had an issue similar to yours in the past, though this situation has improved a lot for me now. What helped me was talking to my husband about it. If my husband and / or I have any prior plans and his family drops by, we would still go ahead and continue on with our plans. Also, my husband would clearly tell them if we were busy and over time they understood that they should check with us to see if we have plans before dropping by.
As for baby sitting, as we don't have any kids of our own yet I have always made it clear that my husband will take care of any of his siblings kids if they are visiting. To be honest, I work full time and have a very long commute and only get the weekends to relax and spend some time with hubby etc and don't have much time for baby sitting. So far there's always been only talk of their kids spending the day but it's never happened - partly as I think everyone in the family already knows my temperment and that I have my plate full with stuff already.
I think to have good relationships it's important that people know what your boundries are and also know what you will do and what would be asking too much.
Have you considered going over to THEIR house (even when you’re not formally invited) during the weekend? It will allow your hubby to spend time with the kids and hopefully give you control over the amount of time you’re there. Assuming your in-laws have enough courtesy not to send the kids with you when you leave their house.
And since I believe in giving people a taste of their own medicine (you said your hubby thinks you’re overreacting)…I think you should also consider inviting YOUR family over often. Your hubby has no problem having his family over when you two don’t have any plans…let’s see how much he likes it if you invite your family over during those free times too. After all…as you said yourself…its your house too.
Same issue was there at my end, guests and relatives always come announced and food preps are done at home in my family. At hubby's place they show up unannounced and all Khaatir is done on the spur of the moment, usually we order or get food from outside. I have adjusted.
As for baby sitting, as we don't have any kids of our own yet I have always made it clear that my husband will take care of any of his siblings kids if they are visiting.
In principle, thats usually how it happens, but its odd that you would make it a point to mention it to your husband.
this is a norm in my ILs too, I used to fret a lot about it and kept wondering yeh kya tareeqa hai ! All of them live in other cities and they ‘surprise’ each other and never know when to leave r how many DAYS they’d stay Over 6 years, the only thing that has changed is me NOT blabbering or creating a fuss when someone ‘surprises’ us. I have a room read ALL the time for stayover guests, a haleem or chicken karahi in the freezer and rest comes from restaurants. I havve stopped getting upset because inn sub ka yehi tareeqa hai and I canot do anything about it except for modifying things at my end. Good thing is they are not demanding nor do they complain about how anyone dealt with them.
Both situations would be like shooting myself in the foot. We do drop in randomly on them and they LOVE it. He says we’ll only go for a few hours, but then we end up spending the whole day there. And I don’t want to be the one to complain and make us leave early. And they live in the boonies so we basically end up spending the whole day there with nothing to do.
And same with inviting my family over. I just need more me-time, not family time. He’s more of a family guy, so he’d probably enjoy having my family over multiple times and wouldn’t see any issue with it. LOL!
Thanks for the advice, everyone. Looks like it's more common than I thought. I will need to have a chat with my husband about this, and at the same time be more open to their drop-ins. We got married recently, so I'm still dealing with the adapting phase. I think we can figure out a happy middle ground where we he is more clear about boundaries, and I'm more open to drop-ins.
Sigh…it looks like I’ll have to be more adaptive and do the same. Because me complaining everytime this happens is getting me nowhere because he just doesn’t get it.
Over 6 years, the only thing that has changed is me NOT blabbering or creating a fuss when someone ‘surprises’ us. I have a room read ALL the time for stayover guests, a haleem or chicken karahi in the freezer and rest comes from restaurants. I havve stopped getting upset because inn sub ka yehi tareeqa hai and I canot do anything about it except for modifying things at my end. Good thing is they are not demanding nor do they complain about how anyone dealt with them.