Re: Inlaws showing up unannounced
I'd try to keep expectations low key then...if you're being surprised then stop making davat-style khana.
Re: Inlaws showing up unannounced
^I second Rehas comment about the Dawats.
Also, do you work? If you mentioned that sorry I didn't catch it. If you don't maybe they feel you are fariiq enough to entertain kids and what not.
I think alot of families operate in a similar way-my family in England don't (thankfully). We call family before visiting and ensure noone has plans. One of my uncles makes it clear hes busy even if hes watching a movie with his kids that it's his quality time with his children-noone visits him then. We like seeing each other; but not if it intrudes on quality time of couples/family. I like to see my family, but at the same time I understand that if one side starts operating the culture of sudden drop ins the whole family will follow.
If your husband is okay with the situ and actually likes it (apart from being tired) it maybe a case of adjusting to their nature or when you have children of your own InshAllah calling family in advance to see if they are available before sending kids over etc.
If their sudden visit actually gets in the way of time you two have as a couple (quality) and it is effecting you I think you would be a wise woman to chat your husband and let him know. The last thing you want is to grow apart over silly sleepovers.
If all else fails and you are home alone when your sudden guests arrive grab your coat when you open the door and say 'oh I was on my way out-catch you later'. I actually know someone who did this. Her jitani stopped dropping in at dinner time with 6 kids, 2 son in laws and 4 grandkids.
Re: Inlaws showing up unannounced
^I second Rehas comment about the Dawats.
Also, do you work? If you mentioned that sorry I didn't catch it. If you don't maybe they feel you are fariiq enough to entertain kids and what not.
I think alot of families operate in a similar way-my family in England don't (thankfully). We call family before visiting and ensure noone has plans. One of my uncles makes it clear hes busy even if hes watching a movie with his kids that it's his quality time with his children-noone visits him then. We like seeing each other; but not if it intrudes on quality time of couples/family. I like to see my family, but at the same time I understand that if one side starts operating the culture of sudden drop ins the whole family will follow.
If your husband is okay with the situ and actually likes it (apart from being tired) it maybe a case of adjusting to their nature or when you have children of your own InshAllah calling family in advance to see if they are available before sending kids over etc.
If their sudden visit actually gets in the way of time you two have as a couple (quality) and it is effecting you I think you would be a wise woman to chat your husband and let him know. The last thing you want is to grow apart over silly sleepovers.
If all else fails and you are home alone when your sudden guests arrive grab your coat when you open the door and say 'oh I was on my way out-catch you later'. I actually know someone who did this. Her jitani stopped dropping in at dinner time with 6 kids, 2 son in laws and 4 grandkids.
Princess, I do have a full time job. Hubby and I work demanding hours.
He's a total family guy and loves being around his family. His family is the type that loves to hang out together 24/7 and does not understand the concept of being introverted and wanting your own quiet time and space (me). So he loves it when they're all together. While him and I do get some quality time together, I think it's not enough.
And LOL on your last comment about pretending to be going out the door :)
Re: Inlaws showing up unannounced
Do you entertain his nephew and nieces or does he help too? Maybe you could tell him to entertain them and then see how much he likes it.
Re: Inlaws showing up unannounced
If that's the case-you don't think you spend enough time together I think you need to tell your husband now. Being newly weds should be a magical time. It's a time about learning about your partner-not just his nephews and nieces!
He loves his family MashAllah that's great however he also needs to satisfy your requirement of quality time.
Perhaps you can meet a middle ground. E.g. sleepovers once a monthly ONLY.
As an outsider looking in it does seem that even though you live away from the in-laws the control actually stops at their door. I get they all like being together but seriously? They want to be around newlyweds too?
How's about you visit them more?! Should stop the need for sudden guests?!
Or how's about organising days out? Picnics at parks (you all bring a dish), ice skating, plane watching, theme parks, dinners out...things that are fun for you and satisfy your husbands craving for family time too.
As for my last comment-it's a true life story! My aunt was so miffed with her oldest SIL is drove her batty. So batty she ate through boxes of chocolate and gained waaaaay too much weight!
Re: Inlaws showing up unannounced
My whole extended family and ILs family in the US is like this. My house is in a central location and people just drop by on their way to the grocery store, if they want a place to pray or just because they were in the neighborhood (amounts to 2-3 drop-ins/week on average). Once I said something about calling in advance to my aunt and she was really offended because it was a sign that I don't want to be close to her. However, they don't expect much. I only cook meals when I invite them over or if someone calls at least a few days in advance and arranges a visit. Otherwise light snacks such as fruit, nuts, chocolate, or crackers are sufficient (always have these handy). I only feel obligated to spend about 30 minutes of 'quality time' with them then I'll go about my day even if that means cooking, taking a nap or doing groceries. But, whenever I leave I always thank them for coming, give some explanation of why I have to go (important errands, busy week at work, or illness), and apologize for having to leave. Politeness goes a long way. Family wants to feel welcome and if they are nice they will be understanding.
When I first moved back to my hometown after quite some time away, it used to bother me. But a loving family that wants to be close is so much more important than always having control over your schedule and space (that will be gone as soon as you have kids). These kind of people will cherish you and your children even if they can be annoying at times :). Your ILs are showing you that you matter by trusting you with their kids for the whole day. Of course, it does take time to adjust.
Talk to your husband about spending more time together but make it a separate issue. It should not be presented as a choice between his family and you. Start planning things with your husband in advance for the weekend otherwise he feels like he has no other commitments so of course he should spend time with family.
This shows that your husband values family and IA in the future he will be the same with his own children. His family has raised him well!
Re: Inlaws showing up unannounced
I feel for you. You know, some girls I know don't open the door when someone unannounced turns up. And later on they just say that they were out/in the bath/didn't hear the doorbell because they were busy doing the vacuum/etc. Most people don't turn up unannounced anymore to their houses now, lol.
Maybe you should try it?
Re: Inlaws showing up unannounced
omg that's v inconsiderate of them you've been married only 3 months and they're dropping in every weekend so early on in your marriage! They should give you guys time with each other! I do think it will fade with time though, as you both get to know each other better and they get to know your routine better.
Have you tried planning your weekends with your husband in advance? Why don't you talk to him during the week saying you want to plan x y and z, even if it's just staying at home and watching a movie. Then if your in-laws turn up uninvited you can say actually we were just about to do this, and kind of ignore them and get on with what you've planned. Maybe by not giving them tawajjah they will get the hint that you don't want them there unannounced..?
Re: Inlaws showing up unannounced
I am curious how old are the neices and nephews?
If it happened once in a while I wouldn't think of that as a big deal but since they are over every single weekened, let your husband entertain them. You need your me time, heck everyone needs their me time.
Re: Inlaws showing up unannounced
If u start calling before visiting they ll get the hint that they shud call too. If u. N hubby also do drop ins then they prolly will think thAt u r ok with drop ins.
Re: Inlaws showing up unannounced
Lol. I had no idea that even after having your own home, its such a mess with in-laws if you're living in the same city as them.
I totally agree with OP about it being intrusive and inconsiderate. However, things might change when you have your own kids. Those same nieces and nephews can baby-sit your babies a couple/few years down the road.
Re: Inlaws showing up unannounced
I only cook meals when I invite them over or if someone calls at least a few days in advance and arranges a visit. Otherwise light snacks such as fruit, nuts, chocolate, or crackers are sufficient (always have these handy).
I only feel obligated to spend about 30 minutes of 'quality time' with them then I'll go about my day even if that means cooking, taking a nap or doing groceries. But, whenever I leave I always thank them for coming, give some explanation of why I have to go (important errands, busy week at work, or illness), and apologize for having to leave. Politeness goes a long way. Family wants to feel welcome and if they are nice they will be understanding.
But a loving family that wants to be close is so much more important than always having control over your schedule and space (that will be gone as soon as you have kids). These kind of people will cherish you and your children even if they can be annoying at times :). Your ILs are showing you that you matter by trusting you with their kids for the whole day. Of course, it does take time to adjust.
Talk to your husband about spending more time together but make it a separate issue. It should not be presented as a choice between his family and you. Start planning things with your husband in advance for the weekend otherwise he feels like he has no other commitments so of course he should spend time with family. This shows that your husband values family and IA in the future he will be the same with his own children. His family has raised him well!
Garamasala said everything that I would've said.
A close-knit and loving family is a blessing but at the same time you need some quality time with your hubby as well as some alone time to chill and relax at home without the added stress of "Will they show up now?!".
Talk to your husband and make him aware of your needs as an introvert as someone who needs more quality time with him alone. Another thing to do is for you guys to make your own plans so that there are some blocked times for you guys. Also, make time for yourself that is just your time. Block it out and tell your hubby that this is your relaxation time, whether you go for a massage or stay at home and take a bath. If you will be at home, all guests will naturally be his responsiblity and he can do "mehmaan nawazi" (is that the pharse?) all by himself. You just relax, listen to music/sleep/take a bath and recharge your batteries.