actually when we got engaged we decided to live in seprate home after wedding even my inlaws was fine this thing but things changed..situation changed my sisters in laws got married and moved. one unmarried sis in law went to dubai for some job..my jeth got expired ad her wife went to her parents..my dewar got a nice job in lahore he moved there with family..another jeth bought a home and moved there so my hubby left in home...so he said how can i leave my parents...
in addition as their two beloved sons left them they dont wanat lose this son....they are grabing him hard and brain washing him...
actually i dunno what problem i have...actually living with some one is hard u need to care about their feelings their comfort..
if u wana sleep late or u like to sleep latee...or u wana go out but u cant go or u need to take yr inlws with u ...if u dont wana clean dishes ,clean home for a while wana do later..but they want that their super bahu do all at that time...if u wana eat mutton and they wana make chicken for lunch..
if u wana watch tv in your bedroom but u have to sit in louge with yr inlaws as yr inlaws dont feel lonely..
u bought some thing for u i mean eatable things but u have to share with your inlaws
I dont know if this is true or not but my mum said that the one thing she would tell me about marriage is...treat your inlaws like royalty for 1 year and the rest of your life you will be free to do what you want!
It is a tough situation but alot of people do it and there are ups and downs and your husband is right in saying how can he leave his parents, i think its unfair making him chose between the two women he loves the most!
I think people make too big of a deal about living with inlaws, it all comes down to your personal behaviour, and how good/bad you want to make the whole situation. It's not written that all MILs & FILs etc are evil and will make your life hell. If your husband wants to live with his parents you must respect his decision and obide by it, if you dont think you can do that...then I guess you know what to do.
I think people make too big of a deal about living with inlaws, it all comes down to your personal behaviour, and how good/bad you want to make the whole situation. It's not written that all MILs & FILs etc are evil and will make your life hell. **If your husband wants to live with his parents you must respect his decision and obide by it, if you dont think you can do that...then I guess you know what to do.
**
Actually Islamically if a wife wants her own privacy and space then her husband MUST provide it for her. This could mean two separate homes or a small apartment for his parents where he can go check up on them often. Depends on your husband's income. This situation can be dealt with, just remain rational and reasonable.
^saas apna baita kisi k hawalay nahi kerti bulkay dosray ki baiti ura ker lay ati hai.saas bahu per koi ahsaan nahi kerti bulkay apnay baitay ka gher basa ker us ki duniya sanwarti hai.saas ko tu bahu ka ehsaan mand hona chahiay k wo us k baitay ka gher basati hai aur usay wo sukh daiti hai jo aik maan nahi day sakti
Actually Islamically if a wife wants her own privacy and space then her husband MUST provide it for her. This could mean two separate homes or a small apartment for his parents where he can go check up on them often. Depends on your husband's income. This situation can be dealt with, just remain rational and reasonable.
I wasn't speaking Islamiclly at all tbh, more so just basing my views on what she has said about her husband. Its clear he wants to live with them, and if she wants to have a successful marriage with him she must agree to his conditions.
Suhaina hows ur in laws house is like?i'm mean some ppl giv separate portion in the same house to their son n new bahus to keep some privacy.they stay togetherwhole day n dine together but goes to their portions when its time to rest.
^saas apna baita kisi k hawalay nahi kerti bulkay dosray ki baiti ura ker lay ati hai.saas bahu per koi ahsaan nahi kerti bulkay apnay baitay ka gher basa ker us ki duniya sanwarti hai.saas ko tu bahu ka ehsaan mand hona chahiay k wo us k baitay ka gher basati hai aur usay wo sukh daiti hai jo aik maan nahi day sakti
Those are strong points, Mabrook. Too bad some MIL's don't realize that. Instead they choose to let their petty jealousies and insecurities take control of them.
Even tanhai main bhi ya kisi bhi halat main naked rehna mana hai is liaay kay shaitaan daikhta hai aur hum gunahgaar hotain hain.
Khoobsoorat kia angraiz ki tarha rehna chatay hain.
Nop I don’t agree with your 3rd line. In some case they remain 24/7 chokidaar to beta & baho or brother and bhabhi. Sometimes they don’t at all give privacy. Sounds like you haven’t met ghatia tareen family.
Those are strong points, Mabrook. Too bad some MIL's don't realize that. Instead they choose to let their petty jealousies and insecurities take control of them.
Sorry to differ you and don't take it serious as we are talking other person not you.
Here sometimes might be jealousy but mostly control problem.
Girl want to control and mom + family want to contro.
Mom + family of guy think they have lost control and loose everything. They think unka beta uska ho gia. Jubkay wo yay naheen sochteen kay Unka beta apni wife ka husband banta hai beta naheen aur na hi bhai. Aap ki as a maan apni value rehti hai aur bahan ki apni value rehti hai bus aik aur family member add hoti hai yani ub uski biwi.
Sara problem control ka hai chahay kisi taraf say ho Larki ki taraf say ya guy family ki taraf say.
They feel like they have lost control.
Bechara guy tch tch. I feel sorry for them. Dono taraf say kick partay hain aksar usko apnay apnay taraf karnay kay liaay.
Look at Ashwaiyria shes living with her inlaws so can u Suhaina.just think it this way that when u r little u hav to live with ur parents n siblings whether u like them or not same with inlaws u hav to live with them n make it possible in any way u can.think of no way out that will make u more compromising.
giv ur hubby some time n space to think abt this idea of moving out.its just not gonna be any easy step for him or other family members.mostly when girls r married in a joint family it takes a good 5-10 yrs b4 they move out.so just hang on n be patient.
Waah Zabardast. Jawab naheen aap ki post ka. Masha Allah.
Sorry to differ you and don't take it serious as we are talking other person not you.
Here sometimes might be jealousy but mostly control problem.
Girl want to control and mom + family want to contro.
Mom + family of guy think they have lost control and loose everything. They think unka beta uska ho gia. Jubkay wo yay naheen sochteen kay Unka beta apni wife ka husband banta hai beta naheen aur na hi bhai. Aap ki as a maan apni value rehti hai aur bahan ki apni value rehti hai bus aik aur family member add hoti hai yani ub uski biwi.
Sara problem control ka hai chahay kisi taraf say ho Larki ki taraf say ya guy family ki taraf say.
They feel like they have lost control.
Bechara guy tch tch. I feel sorry for them. Dono taraf say kick partay hain aksar usko apnay apnay taraf karnay kay liaay.
I have made the same point many times before in other threads regarding issues with mothers-in-law.
What you don't seem to understand is that the fear of losing control is CAUSED by INSECURITY.........as I have ALREADY mentioned ABOVE. The psychological ROOT for fear of losing control over someone is INSECURITY. Tomato....Tomaaato.
Suhaina,Are you engaged to be married? This is something that shoul dhave been discussed prior to engagment. And if it not in line with what you want, then you shouldnt be married there
Agree but what if she realized it after engaging and their behaviour?
Suhaina I do not know what kind of ppl your inlaws are and how many of them are living in one house. If they are just your MIL and FIL then plz be patient with them. They are parents, may be not yours, but someones. Respect them even if they are hard to you sometimes. Just let it go. InshAllah one day they will realise your goodness n kindness.
If its a whole lot living in one house, like other bros n bhabies , n nands etc, then u can tell ur hubby to get you a separate house. Its your right then. But again it depends if he can afford a new house or take one on rent. If you know that his earnings r not much then try to adjust urself. Coz then you do not have any other way.
If you are working, save something for a house that u can take on rent. Offer ur hubby this option, he may listen to you then.
Masha Allah zabardast Idea.
But if majboor then sabr on Allah. He sure will help you.
Well Suhaina if you are not married yet, then the ball is in your court, you can ask your hubby if you guys can live separately but nearby. If you already agreed to this condition, it's unfair because he already told you in advance. But you can still mention it...he might be a mellow guy n willing to listen. Just make sure you keep it clear that you have nothing against his parents, it's just that you want to live alone with him. My point is even if your in-laws are perfect angels, even better than your own parents, it is still hard to live with them.
Stuff you can't do living with in-laws:
-cuddling on the couch and watching a movie (nope you have to go to your room and even then they'll be like 'humaray saath gul mil nahi rahi')
-leaving the dishes in the sink and deciding to wash them tomorrow (it seems like you're leaving them for her)
-skip making dinner and just eat mcdonald's drive thru
-walk around in your benyan
-Have your house be a judgment free zone!!
People often say it's about caring for your parents, but honestly, most desi parents i know are relatively young (50s) and pretty independent; they are healthy and sometimes a little distance creates more appreciation and love than too much. Think about if you had to share a room with all your siblings vs. each having separate rooms--there is less conflict when everyone has their own room. My best friend lived with her saas who was her own aunt for 2 years and the saas just started deteriorating after that because she started delegating all her chores to her bahus and then she didn't really have any role left in the house except bossing them around. Something to think about...
