Strawberry, I totally understand ur frustrations!
I would always want to choose my own Valima dress too - so no, I don't think u're being unreasonable
However, if ur MIL is not going to budge on this matter, then it's best to shrug this off (as hard as it is!!!)
At the end of the day, if this issue gets escalated, it's going to turn into an ugly mess before ur big day... and it's just not worth it in the end.
Maybe what u can do is show your MIL the kind of outfits u like, the colours, etc. Show them to ur fiance aswell and I'm sure he'll tell your MIL to keep them in mind when she's selecting ur outfit
It's just something that's done in our culture - there are no bad intentions... just that ur MIL dreams of dressing her bahu (as sweet as that is, it sucks when you're the kinda bride that also dreams of looking a certain way on her valima)
So show pictures of ur preferences to ur MIL and fiance - and iA all will turn out great :)
I don't think any1 wants to be played out as a victim but I think many girls dream of looking a certain way on their wedding.
Not all families are the same - some families select all 3 joray, some let the brides family select, etc
Esp nowadays, even when the inlaws are paying for the outfit, they let the bahu either pick the dress or they take her along...
Some girls luck out bcuz their MILS have great taste... some don't. One of my friends MILS ended up getting her valima dress for her and it turned out not so gr8... it was green and orange with gold kaam
She wasn't the type who cared about outfits but she totally wasn't expecting that...
I think girls just want to look their best on their day.. and have their preferences and kno what works best for them (colours n stuff)
i just think its about being considerate :) it's a compromise - both MIL and bahu can work together to pick out something if they both want to be involved
It's not about being victimized :S It's a simple right that I believe all girls should have! Especially here in the West. We're not white-washed, but we certainly are influenced by what we see. We've grown up in a different way than a girl in Pakistan would have 20 years ago. Girls know a lot more about the intricacies of wedding planning. Like myself, many brides to be plan out their day well in advance to even selecting a guy :P It's not about being superficial, it's about being creative and personalizing your wedding events! Many of you seem to think that a walima ka jora is a small thing and every girl should happily expect a bad/good surprise. It's easier said than done for many girls. You are going to be looking at the pictures and videos for the rest of your life. I would personally love to choose my own dress. But since my MIL would like to choose it, I don't mind going along with her or at least telling her the kind design/color I would like. But since I haven't been asked, I feel frustrated! Walima ka jora is a bigger deal to the bride than it is to anyone else sitting in that hall. And being adamant upon choosing it yourself, with KNOWING that the bride would prefer to choose her own or at least have a say in it is wrong and inconsiderate (my MIL knows I would prefer to choose it or at least have a say in it, but she thinks I'll love the "surprise", I think she's just being stubborn). Just my two cents.
I would LOVE to say my heart is pure and that I would adore for my MIL to have fun picking my dress, but I honestly can't :( Although I will stick with it, and hopefully love the dress and keep everyone happy. I'm not 'trying' to victimize myself, I actually feel it :S
yaar how many walimas are you going to have in your life? the day is still a celebration for the couple right? the mehndi, shaadi and walima all mean a lot to the bride and groom. If the girl wants a dress of her preference let her! that's all I think :)
they mean a lot to the in-laws too, they can help out with soooo many other things, but just not the dress! :( or at least let the bride have a say in the dress
yaar how many walimas are you going to have in your life? the day is still a celebration for the couple right? the mehndi, shaadi and walima all mean a lot to the bride and groom. If the girl wants a dress of her preference let her! that's all I think :)
If I were the MIL and the bride insisted on making her own outfit, I WOULD let her. I'm just saying that if they are making it, and it is something they want to give you, it is a gift from them, and it involves a lot more care and effort than perhaps you realize, and you should be thankful (and you do seem to be). It's not worth stressing over and creating issues about, UNLESS you think their intent is malicious.
^ By the way, I think that if the bride wants to make her own outfits, she (or her family) should assume they are paying for them as well (so as to avoid tension about budget and such). It doesn't make sense to demand her choice and their money. If the inlaws offer or insist, that's great for her, but she should assume that if she's choosing, she's paying. Her wedding day and valima outfits can be part of her jahez. The bari can just have heavy clothes of her inlaws choosing; they just won't be worn on those specific days.
Stop stressing about it strawberry - it'll do nothing but make you madder...
I do understand how you feel... long gone are the days where the bride didn't participate in anything Valima related. I think out here, most couples choose everything together ... from the mehndi stuff, to the baraat ..down to the valima. I think most couples realize that most major wedding-related decisions are made by the bride/groom together... esp in the "west"
But yeah, i agree with Sahar on that don't stress over it... your MILs intentions aren't bad ... work with her/your fiance and let them kno of ur preferences
Enjoy ur time... in the future, i'm sure this will not even seem a big deal
has you mother-in-law purchased other outfits for you? party, casual, etc... Did you like them? If so, then quit worrying about your walima ka jora. You just seem very spoiled. me, me, me. Its not just an occasion for you but for your families as well. I'm sure both sets of parents have been waiting for this day since you both were kids.
If you want to choose the color and design what's left for them to decide? Why don't you have your top three color choices and give them to your fiance. And without mentioning that these are your choices, have him go with them or at least tell them that these are the colors he likes for you.
I think it's fine to say, I prefer dark colours/light colours, I want a long/short, just general guidelines, and then trust that your MIL will choose what you like. Sahar, I agree about not expecting designer outfits, but pictures are helpful, and there is nothing wrong with a bit of daydreaming! lol
Hopefully, you're in-laws will ask you if you have any preferences, mine did, but I honestly didn't have any preferences, I just knew what colours I liked.
Anyways, strawberry, every bride and every marriage is different, don't compare yourself to what others got to choose and didn't get to choose, it's only going to make you feel worse. Luckily for us, we have more than one wedding event, so more than one outfit we can wear. Focus on the outfits you get to choose.
My Mother In Law chose my valima outfit and jewelry, I did not see it till the time I had to wear it. It was not what I had imagined or expected but was a pretty outfit. She was very excited and happy about it and to to this day says that was the prettiest I have ever looked. My brother in law recently had his Nikkah, the Ruksati is not for a couple of years and my new sister in law insisted on choosing her own outfit, that my MIL paid for, they went shopping together when my MIL got to Pakistan. She was pretty upset and instead put all her energy into the outfit i was supposed to wear on the event. My outfit was gorgeous, if a little over the top for the bhabhi but at the Nikkah people asked her why my outfit was nicer than the brides.
When my son grows up and gets married Insha Allah I shall let his wife pick out her outfit. My MIL picked out my outfit for the valima and I had no choice. Some familes do pick out the outfit with love and care but a some do it because they will pick out something way less expensive.
I am due to get married ealry next year. And my MIL also chose/ordered my valima outfit too. I didn't have a problem with it, because the way I saw it was I am getting my own Mendhi & Barat outfit made, and she was so excited to get my valima dress made. And really there isn't anything wrong with that? In the scheme of life, where there are far more greater worries in life, what is fighting over who will make/choose/pay for valima dress worth for. I agreed with someones comment earlier, no matter how beautiful or not so beautiful the dress is, if the bride herself is not happy dil se, the best of best won't look good on her. My fiance is one of three brothers him being the eldest, my MIL is so excited for the wedding being the first in the household. She asked me if I wanted a particular colour or type of outfit, and I left it all to her. She went to Pakistan to order it and had I told her specific things, she could be by passing better outfits just because she'd have a mental checklist that I gave her. She came back so pleased with it.. Although I am due to see it when it arrives -- can't wait! InshaAllah it'll be great and so worth seeing all of them happy :):)
Main thing is to pray for a successful marriage life managing household and life together :) A valima or wedding for that matter is just a function it's the post wedding time that one needs to prepare for.. All of these are just cosmetic things.
So head strawberry 07 InshAAllah everything will work out just fine :)! they won't ignore the dress.. No one would want the worst of the worst for their to be DIL! it'll only put a downer on their event in front of their people.. Chillax :)
-I actually don't have a problem with her picking it, I would just prefer that she listen to the style and the different colors I would want. At least this way she knows what I like, she doesn't have to get the exact thing, that's for her to decide. I just think at least asking the bride to be is the courteous thing to do :)
-Just an update, she has asked me the colors I want as well as the style! I'm sooo glad she asked, Alhumdulillah :)
