inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

[yanzala]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress

@Paheli00

One of my fiance’s friend’s wife went through something like this last year. Her dad died years ago so it’s just her mom. But his family is super rich and coordinated the entire wedding (they hired Shahrukh Khan and Bipasha Basu to perform at the wedding…their wedding planner was the same one that did Aishwarya’s wedding). Groom’s family paid for and controlled the wedding entirely. It was held in India and believe me when I say this (I attended ALL the events in Delhi)…majority of us girls would consider it to be our “dream” wedding. No expense was spared.

Yet the bride was absolutely miserable. She and her fiance went to India like a week before the wedding. ALL her outfits, jewelry, make-up, hair etc…every-single-thing was chosen by her MIL. She also wanted a simple wedding and the ridiculously lavish events made her super uncomfortable. The groom himself told us these things during the events.

I’ve met her/spoken to her a few times since then. She admits how miserable she was. But now…a year later…she says her only regret is focusing so much on her own misery during the events. She says she wishes she put more effort in enjoying her friends/family/husband. B/C now a year later…she doesn’t even really care anymore about the outfits (and yes, she admits she hated them all…despite all of them being expensive designer pieces). So yea…you’re definately not the only one who has experienced this.

OP:
I know this is easy for us to say but hard for you to follow…but you don’t know for a fact that you’ll hate the outfit. No matter how small…there still is a possibility that you’ll like the outfit. But even if you don’t…don’t allow that to ruin your entire experience. Are you having a mehendi? If so…do you get to pick outfit for that?

And as others have said…you can plan something for your 1st anniversary and have total control over that.

this is what my biggest worry is that i won’t be able to enjoy my wedding. even though i already know it’s not a big deal and all that i have cried so many times thinking about it. i don’t want to ruin my wedding regardless of any reason. but i have no idea how to control my emotion. there is no turn on and off button in my brain.

@tea1234

yanzala,

not sure if it will make you feel better or not…when my aunt was getting married har saas came from another province to see her for the first time and dropped the bomb on all of us saying in their family the tradition is to wear the wedding dress of the bahu of the elder brother…my uncle has brothers who got married before him so she brough 3 dresses of the bahus and my aunt had to choose the best of the 3 got it dry cleaned and wore it on the wedding..she looked beautiful…
she just didn’t want to ruin the relationship with her saas…her saas(may Allah tala forgives her sins and give her a place in Jannah) didn’t really want my uncle to marry her so she MAY have said what she said because of it..but in the end my aunt was her most beloved bahu and she only trusted her…

so point of this post is that atleast you are getting dresses that are new and only made for you..

Count your blessings…

so true, i am glad i don’t have to deal with anything like this. Alhamdulilah!

@Panache

You can do what most of the girls 're doing is make ur barat day outfit and let inlaws make the Valima only in that way u can wear ur choice of the dress otherwise be cool as this is what most inlaws do and you just can’t force them so b happy n just don’t spoil ur happiness over such issues u can’t do anything

@ZareenKhan

this is strange! i can understand the inlaws wanting to be part of the wedding dress selection process however its the bride who is going 2 wear the dress so it might as well be of her choice . why r people weird like that?!

i dnt really know watelse 2 say…i know it must be a hurting the bride alot bt i guess the only choice she has is to be the bigger person and accept it and let it be.

i can’t chose any day outfit either barat or walima. i think i am being a bigger person, i have not argued them about it. i have talked to my husband and he has strongly told me off that his family will chose the outfilt and i will have to wear them. i have not said anything since but i just can’t stop hurting.

@LucyMay

yanzala, do you have any SILs that will go shopping with your MIL for your outfits? Or maybe your hubby will go? you can talk to them and drop hints about what you like and dislike. That way at least they won’t choose a color and style that you absolutely hate..

@Deeba1234

This.. maybe also show pics of stuff you really like so he could pass on those preferences to his mum (he could say that’s what he’d like as well so she might not be as dismissive)..

i can’t go shopping with them because i don’t live in pakistan and i won’t be coming to pakistan early enough to shop for my wedding dress and also my husband has already told me they will be picking it and everything so i can’t tell them color, style, pictures. they haven’t even asked me about it either.

@KashmiriSadozai

Wow…I saw the title and my jaw dropped…I totally understand how devastating this would be. Im just like you in the sense I have a very clear idea of what I want as my wedding dress and If my in-laws said they’d choose the barat dress I would be very upset.

Im sorry but it is a very big deal - this is your wedding day and it should be a memorable event - girls spend a lot of time planning for this day - yes I understand there will be compromises that would have to be made but the bridal dress - geez - im like astounded - its fine if they wana select the walima dress - but choosing the barat dress is not cool.

I think you should talk to your husband about how you feel - maybe tell him what type of dress you would prefer or tell him that you want to go along with your mother in law when she chooses the dress.

I feel for you hun - I think I would put up a fight/stance if this happened to me - choosing my own bridal dress means a lot to me - i dont expect every1 to understand that - bt yeah - good luck

thank you. please keep me in your dua that i don’t get hurt that much when i see the dresses

@somegroovychick

^ is it worth the years of bad feelings that will follow though?

i don’t know how it’s going to hurt my relationship with anyone when i am not even arguing to them about anything. i am just hurting inside. i am not making a big deal in front of either his family or my family. i don’t think it means to dulha walay as much. my husband is not their only son. they have 5 sons. two of them already married and they had their way with other sons’ marriages. but INSHALLAH TALA this is my ONLY wedding and my arman are only assosiated with this wedding.

@terebina786

This is what I don’t get. Why do the in-laws feelings trump that of the bride? What about the bride’s bad feelings to come? What if the bride can’t forget and can’t get over it? You know these things come out years later in some convoluted argument. And a lot of people are saying its “just a dress” to the bride and she should focus on the impending marriage so why isn’t it “just a dress” to the MIL?

this is so true despite of their nice and loving attitude with me…there is always going to be this sore spot in my heart that they didn’t give me that oen small happiness of getting my own wedding dress which would have made such a big difference.

@Lusi

I think we all have many dreams about our wedding days and wedding dress in particular. I remember saving tons of pictures for my prospective wedding dress, making designs from scratch of my wedding dress, saving certain color palates, etc. Anyhow, when the time came, I had to choose from ready made options and even at that I didn’t really choose my wedding or nikkah dress but my mother did. At the end of the day, it did not matter who choose the dress for me but the fact that my mother was able cherish the moment with me.

Let the MIL cherish the moment of her son getting married. Like many people said, you have rest of your life to choose whatever you want to wear.

as i said before. my husband is not their only son. they have already cherish the moment twice before. i hardly doubt it means to them even closely as much as it does to me.

@Lusi

Someone needs to remind the bride that her wedding is not something she only dreams about but the family their entire life. The MIL is dreaming about her son’s wedding, the moment she gives birth to that child of hers.

Again, at the end it is not about your or mine event but balancing it to make it our event. Marriage is all about balancing relationships. Planning a wedding is the first step or test of how well you can do it.

if my husband was her only son, or their only brother i would have understood your point. to me it’s my one and only weddinG INSHALLAH for them it’s one of the many wedding that they will do in their family.

@terebina786

Also, I would like to add many of you had input in your dresses - be it colour, style, etc. The OP does not have any. She’s pretty much wearing it sight unseen. Which to me is a little unfair and the MIL should compromise a bit in this situation.

Yanzala - I’m not laughing at you and I’m not going to tell you you’re materialistic because if I were in your shoes I would feel the same way. I’m also not going to tell you to get over it because its not as easy for some people as it is for others. Are they choosing the clothes for every event? If you really don’t want to say anything to your inlaws and you have creative control over atleast one of your outfits (like maybe the mehndi?) I would totally go overboard with it and pull out all the stops. You should have SOME input on the things you wear during your wedding.

i am getting my own mehndi dress. but honeslty it’s not the same at all. but still thank you so much for understanding my point.

@terebina786

^^ She’s happy now with their relationship but this dress issue is obviously weighing heavily on her.

exactly! i really don’t have any complains from them other than this issue which unfortunately is a huge deal to me.