Initial stages-questions

Lifestyle Relationships
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shaadi.com route
In the initial stages of messaging…so if it seems like a woman is asking all the questions about the guy but the guy does not ask any questions to her about herself, does that seem normal. If a man is seriously interested he would want to know about her right?

How does this process go really since this is more arranged by shaadi.com and not an in person route nor is it a completely arranged route.

I just don’t understand men.

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Re: Initial stages-questions

for same reason boys hardly ever use half of 300 minutes/month wireles plan and girls run out of their "unlimited minutes per month" plan.

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Re: Initial stages-questions

I would feel the same way you are feeling if they are not asking any questions at all.

I would stop asking questions, and let them have the space to ask questions/bring up topics of value. If they don't, I wouldn't consider the interest level to be high. It is very possible that the guy in question doesn't know how to go about that situation. If there's nothing happening to give me that impression, I wouldn't want to waste my time.

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Re: Initial stages-questions

I ask him what he's looking for in a life partner and he simply says that he wants a woman that would care or his feelings and won't be callous or ignore him because he's been hurt before. Yeah Jasmine tea, that's what I feel like doing. Delete his number and wait for him to actually miss me and then hopefully he would seriously ask some questions about me. I was hoping for him to show more interest before I start talking with him on the phone.

My thinking is that he wouldn't really seem like a real person until we speak on the phone. In the initial stages they are all phone numbers and it's just messaging, not real men so even if they show no interest it wouldn't hurt as much as after hearing their voices, talking with them and then if there is no compatibility, it would be a real rejection from either side.

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Re: Initial stages-questions

You would be really lucky if you find someone decent online. The Internet is full of 'tards with couple of serious people here and there

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Re: Initial stages-questions

Shaadi.com guys just look at my photos and send requests but they don't bother reading my details. Obviously to them looks are all that matter in me. It's a waste of time for me to actually start talking to them and then if some of my details after chatting for a bit aren't to their liking.....they start doing the one word responses.

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Re: Initial stages-questions

Its takes lot of time to hit someone decent and serious on these sites. I have couple of friends (one Pakistani and one Indian) and they have gold memberships trying to get settled but so far no luck. In last 10 months, he was only able to talk to 3 serious girls who were actually looking to get married and met one of those 3 in person. So do not make it your main go-to source. Keep it as secondary source...sort of "just in case" thingie.

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Re: Initial stages-questions

D6C,

What other routes are there? Could you suggest ones that your friends found success with?

The guys that I really have a fun time talking with are guys that I don't feel any attraction to or there are some things that I am apprehensive about like one guy is divorced with two kids living with him and I don't think I could handle that much responsibility

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Re: Initial stages-questions

Best route that I always advise is going to your local mosque regularly (or at least every Jummah) and mingling with ladies there. Most of the time they have son/brother or someone they know who has son/bro and are looking and they are pretty helpful in introducing guy/gal. In addition to that going local desi cultural centers / events also produce good results especially if you are living at the place where community is not to large.

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Re: Initial stages-questions

You should do what seems right to you. We all have to have our experiences.

My experience has taught me that if a guy is not showing interest, he's not interested (he may be busy with work or what have you - if he is, he will reach out to you as soon as he's done, or its just not the right time for him to try to forge a relationship).

Given the situation, if you want to put in more work to speak over the phone (and risk fear of rejection), you can bring it up. If you think it will be less work and quicker to determine interest, you should definitely do it. Just make sure you're not hoping that he'll develop interest after your phone call(s). It seems like you are interested in him. That's a good thing, you know you are serious about it all. But of course, and you know this, you deserve a person who you like and is also interested in you.

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Re: Initial stages-questions

Maybe he is letting you do the screening first.

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Re: Initial stages-questions

Masjids are hit miss too. I've met most guys off the internet and even though they were not compatible for ME they were decent guys. A lot of guys online that are normal.

Not every guy is sending his mom to the mosque to look for a girl. Many masjids have a limited skeleton crew of females that even show up for Jummah. You need to get involved in the Islamic schools, make friends, and invite people over and build a social network and even then I don't know many people that found spouses that way.

This is my gripe with our religious community - fairly useless with rishtas. Ample mullahs out there setting girls up with dodgy immigrants or converts that are just weird. Never met a normal guy thru the masjid!

I'd go to the matrimonial events around the country global gal if you're in the US.

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Re: Initial stages-questions

GG, trust your gut instincts. Women tend to ignore them and make excuses for the guy. If your gut feeling is telling you that he's not interested, then don't wait for him and move on. It's not hard to ask a woman questions about her life and her views and it's just rude not to do so...especially if you see this social faux-pas happening again and again and again and again. If he can't look beyond himself, time for you to look elsewhere.

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Re: Initial stages-questions

On Shaadi and other websites if they're interested they will make conversation. It won't be you initiating conversations they will do it.

I'd pay for an account so you can write back and forth.

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Re: Initial stages-questions

Try ishqr.com and singlemuslim.com and halfourdeen.com

Plenty of guys that aren't dealing with mom and dad setting them up. Reality is families are spread apart and yes people can meet in masjids in schools etc but outside Pakistan it's very easy to fall out of touch with other desis and other Muslims. Happens to a lot of young professionals. A lot of people are going online or going to meetup dot com events or isna or Appna. Try ishqr they have some events too. There is this group in Texas called "MATE" - Facebook them. Also look into Muppies. Look into CAMP and Atlanta young muslim professionals group too.

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Re: Initial stages-questions

I agree with all the great advice here. I tried em all. I've decided to stay single rest of my life. no woman no cry . lol

but, if the guy online is "normal", keep in mind, "normal" decent guys don't walk around with a list of questions like most women have...
guys want to pickup things during a normal regular conversation, and just naturally run into questions.

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Re: Initial stages-questions

you mean a phone conversation as a normal convo. What exactly is sensed by a guy on the phone? If a life decision is based on one phone conversation and I end up being nervous...

It's like all are in different states so an in person meeting is not possible.

I'll try some of those suggestions PCG....thanks

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Re: Initial stages-questions

Organizations like Muppies and CAMP are not for hookups - that many couples have met and married through their networking there was a bonus. I agree with PCG that its always great to enlarge your circle because you never know where you’ll meet Mr./Miss Right - but don’t go there with that mindset. I think you do yourself a disservice by making it out to be a singles mart and forget to just enjoy the company of like-minded people.

^This. It’s not too difficult to tell when a guy isn’t interested - if the guy starts out talkative and then just turns into a monosyllabic conversationalist - he’s just not into you. Though mind you, I once came across a guy who refused to ask any questions or really have a conversation - I’d ask all of the questions and get two word answers - you’d think he wasn’t interested. But he had it in his mind that we were doing to get married and my saying yes was a foregone conclusion :rolleyes:

Not being a guy, but having talked to more than I care to mention, I have never come across a guy who was waiting for a girl to screen him out. I would think a guy’s ego is way too nazuk too be waiting for a girl to reject him. He’d rather be the one to say no.

^This. Honestly, most guys don’t have a list of questions and most are annoyed about having to answer rota-like questions. An organic or free-flowing conversation can still help you discover a lot about the other person, without it seeming like an inquisition. One of the best ways to have a conversation is to ask totally silly, random questions that surprisingly have a purpose and gets the other person interested.

Suggest a game of 20 questions (or maybe 5 to 10, since 20 is a lot) and ask things like:

Would you rather drive a hybrid/electric car or gas guzzler?

What your best friend’s name from Grade 1 and are you still in touch with him/her?

Would you rather climb a mountain or go deep-sea diving and why?

What was your childhood pet name and who gave you that name/how’d you get it?

This makes the other person think, maybe even smile and gets them interested as kicks off the conversation. And the hope is that the other person will ask you some questions.

Interestingly enough, you can learn a lot about a person from these questions - the car question tells you a bit about how they look at material possessions, the childhood friend question tells you about whether they maintain friendships, pet name tells you a little about their childhood, climb mountain/diving - their interest in traveling or sense of adventure. But more than any facts you learn about them, you discover how they respond to conversational cues and whether they’re interested.

A phone conversation is awkward, no two ways around it - but hopefully you’ll have established a rapport before the conversation.

Oh and to the guys out there who get pushed into having convos because someone set them up or they’re trying to meet a girl online, for the love of all that is Holy, do not leave a girl swinging in the wind to keep conversation going. I get it that many girls are more talkative than guys, but when guys fall back on - we don’t have to say - that’s BS. Making conversation is an art - learn how to!!!
Mind you, I’m still single, so all of my advice can be taken with a grain or a pound of salt :chai:

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Re: Initial stages-questions

Yes, those events are not primarily meant for hooking up, but let's be real, most people that attend are young, single, and interested in meeting the opposite sex and making friendships that can lead to widening social circles so you do meet the right person.

I haven't been to the events, but been meaning to go.

Yes, everyone is located in different parts of the country, and this means you or the guy has to travel.

If the guy is serious, he will book a flight and see you. That doesn't guarantee a match, but they will fly out. I can tell you the ones who aren't sure...and string you along because they're half into it, they won't fly out. You can tell them "I've been talking to you for 4 months, let's meet" and the guy won't make an attempt --> he is NOT serious.

If they're not talking and you're having to prod the conversation forward, then move onto someone else. If they miss talking to you, or they want to get to know you more, THEY will contact YOU.

I no longer contact guys. I give them my number, and if they're serious they pick up the phone and actually call. Or at least they initate text messages, and start getting to know you. And if they think you're worth it, they will communicate nearly daily. Maybe not every every single day, but multiple times in a week at least.

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Re: Initial stages-questions

I think you are worried too much about appeasing someone else, or "casting an impression". Remember you are in control too. No one is forcing you to marry someone. If someone is wise enough, or careless enough to make decision ENTIRELY on a phone conversation (although NO ONE does that), then it doesn't mean you have to go with someone else's decision.

This "rishta phone conversation" is like any other conversation you have with your colleagues at new, new neighbors, new classmates in school/college, or someone you share a ride with on the train or bus. You just get a sense of general personality, likability, etc. Besides, guys don't like pretentious girls for marriage. Be honest about who you are. If you feel you are actually corrupt in many ways and honesty will cast an impression you don't want, then its better to draw a line between deception, and politeness before you decide to talk to someone.