Infertility and marriage

Lifestyle Relationships
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So lately I’ve met friends who are being treated towards getting pregnant and as if the process isn’t hard enough, they get to hear taunts and threats from in laws and even some husbands about the possibility of divorce or second marriage.Yes having a child is a blessing, but isn’t it up to our Creator to decide when and how and who and what to bless each family with? So how do you deal with the negative pressure?

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Re: Infertility and marriage

you just be strong and deal with, or joke about it, and eventually people will stop asking or taunting. My MIL was threatening in the beginning, but my hubby was brave enough to admit to her that it's his problem not mine, then she stopped. Sometimes i feel horrible about not having kids and i feel like leaving my hubby, but i know if it was the other way around he wouldn't leave me.

One time, a friends mother, asked why i don't have children, i didn't want to explain to her, so i jokingly said, I didn't want to ruin my figure... she fired back "you dont have a figure to begin with!", that was my first taunt, and after that Alhamdulillah things haven't been to bad, cos my hubby is comfortable enough to tell people that it's his problem, and we are treating it inour time.

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Re: Infertility and marriage

I feel this is something strictly between husband and wife. I wouldn't tolerate anybody else's taunting.

As for husband taunting his wife, that's real low. This is outwisde the wife's control - just the cards Allah dealt. So live with him and look into adoption etc.

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Re: Infertility and marriage

A divorce or a second marriage does not guarantee children - so why all the emphasis on it? I would try and ignore people who pass on negative remarks, afterall, Allah plans best and he is the best of planners, and if he wills, the couple will have children, and if not, then it must be for the best, right?

One of my aunts doesn't have children but her husband seems pretty supportive and I think as long as you have a supportive husband/wife then nothing else matters.

My aunty always says that there are people out there crying they don't have children, but at the same time there are parents crying because they have children who are badly behaved; so she is content that she has probably been saved from alot of heartache. She actually adopted two girls, brought them up and got them married off.

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Re: Infertility and marriage

its really common for auntys to make nasty comments for not having kids.. as soon as a girl gets married they start asking if they are expecting..
a far relative of mine was married for 9 years and couldnt conceive after 9 years of marriage they had two girls one after another.. and gues what the MIL started taunting the daughter in law that she cant have a boy :mad:
anyway, its never easy but eventually when its meant to be it will happen..the most important thing would be husband and wife supporting each other..and if that the case adoption is something that can be looked at.

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Re: Infertility and marriage

if the husband is supportive enough one can get through with the ordeal. It's Allah's will and anybody could go through this. So people who taunt and pass snide remarks about not having children need to get a head check :/

i have also seen families where the husband and wife have not had kids for years and yet are living happily ..so IMO husband's support matters the most.

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Re: Infertility and marriage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bewnFn5kowk&feature=player_embedded

Something similiar…

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Re: Infertility and marriage

[quote="Enigmatic"]

if the husband is supportive enough one can get through with the ordeal. It's Allah's will and anybody could go through this. So people who taunt and pass snide remarks about not having children need to get a head check :/

agreed! i would not have been able to get through multiple miscarriages, surgeries & two rounds of IVF without my husband's understanding, respect and support. we faced alot of taanay, ridicule and indifference from his family (mom, brothers & bhabis), and he never once let it project on to me (in one ear and out the other), and what do you know, when our twins were born (after the 2nd IVF), my MIL said that I should "give" one of the babies to my husband's brother because they didn't have any kids (by choice! not cuz of infertitlity issues), after all, I could just have another! Ummm...WTH!!! thank god my husband was strong enough to put his mother in her place without being bathameez about it, and at the same time, standing firm on respect towards me and our marriage....throught out all of our ordeals, he was crystal clear on the fact that wether or not we were able to have children was in god's hands, our marriage would not be defined by it!

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Re: Infertility and marriage

I knew a situation where the MIL taunted her DIL for not getting pregnant for years...threatened divorce and even sent her home for a while...until they found out the problem was actually with her son.

The taunts conveniently stopped.

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Re: Infertility and marriage

I don't know... :/

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Re: Infertility and marriage

True..

As in Pakistan whenever pregnancy doesn’t happen the fault is always deemed to be with the Women…aadmi to makhlooq paydaawar makhlooq hain na :rolleyes:

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Re: Infertility and marriage

I wonder if anyone can go lower than that. I'll just pray that these bigots feel the full wrath of Allah STW.

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Re: Infertility and marriage

It's very sad. People need to realize that it' s in the hands of Allah. And if they were able to have kids, iss mein unka koi kamaal nahin, balke Allah ki rehmet thi. So they shouldn't taunt others.

It's ironic how everyone stats talking about second marriage assuming it's always women's fault. But if they ever discover that it was because of the huband, none would suggest that she should remarry. Is having kids soooo important only for men?

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Re: Infertility and marriage

Now that we're on this topic, I cant believe women are able to "give" their child up to their BILs/SILs or other family members b/c they weren't able to have kids. Uh, more power to them but I could never do that and would throw a fit if my MIL even suggested it.

It is such a weird practice, why cant they adopt from an orphanage and help a child in need?

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Re: Infertility and marriage

as for second marriage or divorce I don't know what people think when suggesting this to some guy merely because his wife is not having babies , I mean how can people actually believe that they will be able to build a brand new house on someone's shattered & broken house . Believe me that house won't be able to stand intact for long. Whenever you forget the supremacy and power of Allah and blame a human being for things like these Allah makes you realise His existence and He can have very strict ways of doing it.

I know someone indirectly whose husband did 2nd marriage for children after decade or so of 1st marriage. She is a very kind and humble woman and accepted the fact and continued with the marriage. Years later husband got into some legal action which took away every asset he had & was even jailed for some time and he lost his mental balance. She took care of him where as 2nd wife and children left him . Now , in her 50's she is doing so well in her career and has got so much fame I don't want to name her BUT you can see Allah ka insaaf.

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Re: Infertility and marriage

My situation is a bit different as its our choice not to have baby for while. Im been married for 4 years now and lots of people pass some weird comments and try to advise me why are not we having babies, its good to concieve in a early age, now we don't want children what if Allah won't bless us on the time we want.. That sentence really bugs me and I actually get upset and ask myself hundred time what will I do if that really happens to me and then make lots of dua to Allah swt plz forgive us if we are wrong .

People actually don't realise even when they trying advise us still hurts and we dont need their advises. I get to listen these advises and taunts almost everyday. In our community auntys dont ask husbands about it they just tend to fire wives with their taunts and sometimes they get well nasty answers from me too, I know it sounds a bit rude, when they dont care or bother to think for a while what im saying then why shall I do, it actually helps and make them not to ask me same question next time. lol

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Re: Infertility and marriage

This thread is more about infertility and susral + rishatadar, infertility and *marriage *should be all about your partner and you.

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Re: Infertility and marriage

Adoption?

I don't get it. Why do we think that adoption is not an available option? If you can't have babies then you can always adopt one. There are too many orphan children in the world that could use a good home. I know I don't want children right now but when time comes and I can't have one, I will be just as happy to adopt one.

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Re: Infertility and marriage


Yes there's an option of adopting a baby, i think it's depends on person point of view and thinking. I really want to have my own kids eventually and wanna experience concieving and pregnancy period,but only when I feel I'm ready for kids and their responsibilities.

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Re: Infertility and marriage

a guy's perspective,

we had some challenges due to PCOS etc for a few years, and then were expecting twins, lost them after premature birth and had complications at that time which basically meant it would be hard if not impossible to have kids. This time period stretched for about 5 years.

I was protective of the woomawn but there was no real need to be, my folks were supportive even though they did not know details. No one really did. In one way it was great because we just did not have to deal with anyone's unsolicited 'expert' advice. they did not pry, kept other 'well intentioned' relatives at bay by pushing away their enquiries etc.

However there were other challenges, as an example among the annoying things we faced, some I could do something about others I could not..here is a sample

1- when we decided to adopt, a mentor of mine told me if i should not just go marry someone in Pakistan for a kid..i was a little shocked..but he said look, i want to present all possible options that you may have, and yu may or may not like them, and i may not like them but I have to share them with you as an advisor.

2- our desi neighbours invited us to their home, we were headed for our adoption trip, so told them no, and mentioned our plans. the lady then proceeded to tell begum that she needs to do some wazeefa and do damm on brown sugar and give it to me...its like errr, okay.

3- a good friend of mine, someone usually very proper, very religious guy, got pretty low and just started asking me if my parts worked, but tony shock in a very crude manner, I let it go for a bit, and then gave him an even cruder response, which shut him up

4- the one that I was not present for and the idiots can than god I was not there because no one treats my wife that way and gets away, some social event with 'friends' where I was not in town due to work, and begum was there, this was just shortly after we lost the twins, and she was treated like an outcast with ladies sitting gossiping about her and as she was playing with a newborn there, just snatching it away. she would say anything about any kid and they would start adding mashaAllah MashaAllah...you know the intentions.

Those ppl went into the trash heap of people I have met along the way quick.

the other **** that I have had to hear is that I went the adoption route because there was something wrong with me or I would have gone to another woman... really....really? or is it because someone i love deeply, who almost died while giving me two little angels who had very brief time in this world means a lot to me, where having her in my life and adopted kids is more for me than not having her but have biological kids with someone else. I did not correct them, because in the end did it matter if the issue was with me or with her? and i was not going to entertain their queries and say something about her, which had the situation been reversed, i would not have liked her volunteering (and can do now because she is okay with it) but people's thinking is just repulsive.