inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

[soni27]

Hello Guys :D Everytime i open this site, & i just wonder how nice ppl r there, who takeout there time & try to help me in every way, really Millions of THANKS to everyone here :), i really liked the things mentioned by mamaof3, stoppit, phatbalongri, & daffyduck :D, thanks guys, but u know recently he has register me for the Toefl tests held at my place after 1& half month :( :(, he is a doctor while i have recently completed my graduation in Arts :( , so obviously there is a big difference in our education, he says that its a very easy test u don't have to worry abt anything, while i'm not feeling comfortable at all :), lol again bad luck :( yeah stopit i agree with u cuz he keep telling me that how intellectual r his coworkers :-/, & when i complain him that then go to them dont chat with me then he start saying no i was just teasing u :(, & daffyduck about ur 4th point, my husband has already send me the book for learning driving+ the map of his city, that read them & learn them properly so u won't have any problem after coming here, i know he is expecting too much lol. he says learn everything before the marriage so u'll have free time after the marriage. You know sara & mama, i was wondering that i have wrote everything abt myself, is it nice or not, i was thinking if now i should erase this msg, but after reading ur sooo sweet msgs i have decided to keep it atleast until my wedding lol, i'm sure i'll definately learn something frm all u guys :) Luv you all :*

just curious: - y did he register u for TOEFL tests? ..does he want u 2 gain admission in a college there?

                - he wants u 2 learn the map of his city.. already? no joke?

ur husband sounds like an instructor..hhaa..no offence

[notorious]

@Lajwanti_Noor

i got engaged right before 8 months, i'm a very simple girl living in a very restricted atmosphere, not allowed to do anything on my own, to go any where all alone etc etc etc......................... but my inlaws lives abroad & r extremely modern, my sisters-in-law r so so mod & out going & bold & confident :(, & they r very educated, belongs to rich background, they r very independent too, & my fiancee compares me with his sisters, although its our love marriage but even then he keep saying u must look beautiful as my sisters do, look at their dressing clothes, they way they take their pics etc.........

after listening all this since 8 months i really got stress & frustrated, i got big inferiority complex, that i'm nothing, i dont know anything, be it clothes, fashion, makeup, education, english lang., style & soooooooooooo many things................ ,my wedding is after 5 months but now i have lost all of wedding excitement, now i just start wishing that wedding wont come so near, i start feeling distant frm my fiancee as he has got nothing except complaining & being embarred becuz of me....

i just dont know what to do... i asked my parents for letting me do diff short courses & gain my confidence & meet diff ppl & learn frm the, but they just totally refused it............ so i can't see any hope either...

plz can anyone help me out tht what should i do?? my health is also going down cuz of soo much stress everyday :(

thanks waiting for guidance

This is a cliché, but if they choose you, they should accept you, of course, you have to change a bit and so do they, you both have to adjust to each other, but when you were chosen, they knew it.

Don't let this get to you. Every human being has qualities which the other doesn't have. I'm sure there is something they value which you are very good at. I had the opposite problem, my cousin wanted me to be inside the house, I grew up restricted too, I was the only girl, so it was lonely, but it was still less worse than in my cousins house, my khala is worse than my mother and after marriage, I was even more restricted! Even in clothing, he wanted me stop wearing nice clothes, he wanted me to stop contact with most friends, only cooking was important, cook cook cook and my character didn't matter to him, he wanted to mould me into something else, I wasn't allowed to have my own oppinion, to make any decisions, etc. They didn't like me because I still had to learn to cook. My mother in law said I was ugly and a bad cook. My husband said I was only lovely looking and a bad cook, and my brains were dangerous according to him and worth nothing, etc. because I couldn't cook properly, etc I 've learnt to cook after a while, but then they find other things to make life difficult...

I think, if you once let this get to you, they will always do that. Even if you would become like them, they would find something else they don't like. That's my experience.

I think you should show them the things you are good at. Your future husband chose you (I assume) and he does have the right to ask you to change a little, and he should change a little as well, but you can't loose your character, yourself because of him! If you don't do bad things, like gossiping, stealing, etc and you have a fine character, he should respect you the way you are. Having a fine character is more valuable than being "modern"!

[Silsila]

Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

he chose you because of the way u were, always remember that deep down, maybe he is stressed out with wedding plans xxx

[stoppit]

Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

hey laji :)

reading your posts i really do think your husband wants what is best for you and for you to be more than just a housewife. you are really lucky in this respect, it is not uncommon that highly educated guys (desi and non) marry younger girls with not much education and just want them to look after the house and to show them off for their beauty.

clearly he enjoys talking to you and loves you for who you are but is also considerate of the fact that you will need to make changes and adjustments. and i don't think they are just for him (so that he is not embarrassed by you) but so that you feel confident and comfortable in your new surroundings. it sounds like you will have a lot of opportunities in your new environment and i'm sure you will want to take advantage of them not for him but for yourself.

also, he is sort of right about wanting you to do as much as you can now. it might seem overwhelming to you especially since you have no one to help you out, so i think you should talk to him about that. but right now you probably have more free time to do these things than you will after you are married.
don't worry about the english test, try your best, you can always take it again if you don't do well, just think of it as an experience.
same for the driving, learn as much as you can and don't worry about it. everything will fall into place when you get there. and you know, before i go travelling anywhere, especially for work, i study the map of the city and try and get a feel for it so that i don't feel like i am in an alien place when i arrive and know how to get to the main places - so i think it's good that he has asked you to do this!
just take it one step at a time, relax and enjoy yourself and don't feel that you will be letting anyone down if you make mistakes. it's all part of the learning process.

i would say that, don't think you need to change your character or personality, if a person is shy for example there is nothing wrong with that. and everything else is just learning new things!

[Mamaof3]

Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

Hey again Lajii. I just read about TOEFL cause I had no idea what it was. Your guy is indeed smart...and so are YOU. From what I've seen, your command of English is just fine. I dont know how you are with speaking but theres nothing wrong with your writing from what I see on the forum here. Approach the whole thing with the thought that you can take this test once a week! So no big deal yeah? And I truly think you're going to pass it the first time. And this will give your confidence a big boost!

Practice here on GS....make new threads, answer ones that are here. That will make it a little easier when you sit down with that test paper methinks....

[mAd_ScIeNtIsT]

Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

I haven't read through this whole thread in detail, but what struck me is that you feel that you are willing to try and "change" for your husband-to-be but you feel that you can't because of the restrictions from your parents. Becuase of this, you feel that you can't be what you thought your husband would like you to be.

I don't think that this is neccessarily anything to worry about. You only have 5 months until your marriage; frankly, if you do want to "change" even 5 months would not be enough.

But after that you will be out of your parents' authority, with your husband and his family instead. You will be free to be however you want to be at that point; and from the sounds of things, your husband is supportive of this too.

Many Pakistani girls go through the same situation and end up living very happily married lives - from what you've said, I don't see why you wouldn't find the same happiness after your marriage. Your situation is relatively normal.

[soni27]

This is a cliché, but if they choose you, they should accept you, of course, you have to change a bit and so do they, you both have to adjust to each other, but when you were chosen, they knew it.

Don't let this get to you. Every human being has qualities which the other doesn't have. I'm sure there is something they value which you are very good at. I had the opposite problem, my cousin wanted me to be inside the house, I grew up restricted too, I was the only girl, so it was lonely, but it was still less worse than in my cousins house, my khala is worse than my mother and after marriage, I was even more restricted! Even in clothing, he wanted me stop wearing nice clothes, he wanted me to stop contact with most friends, only cooking was important, cook cook cook and my character didn't matter to him, he wanted to mould me into something else, I wasn't allowed to have my own oppinion, to make any decisions, etc. They didn't like me because I still had to learn to cook. My mother in law said I was ugly and a bad cook. My husband said I was only lovely looking and a bad cook, and my brains were dangerous according to him and worth nothing, etc. because I couldn't cook properly, etc I 've learnt to cook after a while, but then they find other things to make life difficult...

I think, if you once let this get to you, they will always do that. Even if you would become like them, they would find something else they don't like. That's my experience.

I think you should show them the things you are good at. Your future husband chose you (I assume) and he does have the right to ask you to change a little, and he should change a little as well, but you can't loose your character, yourself because of him! If you don't do bad things, like gossiping, stealing, etc and you have a fine character, he should respect you the way you are. Having a fine character is more valuable than being "modern"!

how did u deal with ur problems then after marraige- being restricted and insulted? poor girl :(

[miami_08]

Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

I don't think the guy is a jerk. He is only trying to help his would be wife, trying to develop confidence. Everyone changes with time and exposure ,you will too. So relax enojy your wedding preps, your in laws will love you ,have a positive frame of mind.

[Lajwanti_Noor]

once again thanks to all dears :)
i agree with u, every girl get stressed before starting her new life, & as i have never been 2 U.S. so thats natural for me as well. but what my problem is that i haven't got stressed rightafter nikkah.. i got stress after 8 MONTHS, after watching all of his lifestyle, knowing about his friend's company, they r all highly educated,talented & mod, so i really feel myself very unfit among them, my fear is that what if they talk or ask me abt something & i wouldnot be able to reply just cause of my less knowledge etc. & since my husband is perfectionist so that makes things more complicated. okay i can wear nice clothes,nice makeup but how to change my walk,the way i talk, how to make all those adaain like mod girls, cause I'M NOT OF THIS TYPE, even if i try my best, i don't feel comfortable with it, & when u loose ur real identity, urself, u just get worst.
about toefl i'm very stress cause all of my inlaws r waiting for my results, & they all havebeen excellent students so i have got tough competition lol, i dont have any problem in spoken eng just my accent is different then that of north american :(
i know i'm making u really bore, but atleast i can takeout everything inside me, & i feel much better after writing & reading all those nice friends replies :)
i really feel sorry abt u notorious, i can understand, but tell me what is the solution of ur problem? how u manage to live with them & cope with them?
i wish all the happiness & all the best to everyone in their life :)
takecare & keep smiling :D