inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

Lifestyle Relationships
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i got engaged right before 8 months, i’m a very simple girl living in a very restricted atmosphere, not allowed to do anything on my own, to go any where all alone etc etc etc…
but my inlaws lives abroad & r extremely modern, my sisters-in-law r so so mod & out going & bold & confident :(, & they r very educated, belongs to rich background, they r very independent too, & my fiancee compares me with his sisters, although its our love marriage but even then he keep saying u must look beautiful as my sisters do, look at their dressing clothes, they way they take their pics etc…

after listening all this since 8 months i really got stress & frustrated, i got big inferiority complex, that i’m nothing, i dont know anything, be it clothes, fashion, makeup, education, english lang., style & soooooooooooo many things… ,my wedding is after 5 months but now i have lost all of wedding excitement, now i just start wishing that wedding wont come so near, i start feeling distant frm my fiancee as he has got nothing except complaining & being embarred becuz of me…

i just dont know what to do… i asked my parents for letting me do diff short courses & gain my confidence & meet diff ppl & learn frm the, but they just totally refused it… so i can’t see any hope either…

plz can anyone help me out tht what should i do?? my health is also going down cuz of soo much stress everyday :frowning:

thanks
waiting for guidance

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Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

If it is a love marriage then you can hope that your husband to be will be cooperative type and would support you to gain confidence by exploring new things... language will be learned but will take you some time.
I would suggest that you openly talk to your fiancé and tell him about your weaknesses you have right now. Tell him that you are a fast learner and will learn new things fast after you are married. If he does seems to be supportive then you should not worry much. Things will get better after the marriage. YOu can take short courses after the marriage. But in the meantime, you can do readings, watch English movies/programs.
But if he doesn't seem to be very supportive and expect you to be a perfect girl out of the box then I would suggest you to think it over. You don't want to jump into a mess.

Good luck and my best wishes for you!

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Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

[QUOTE]

i just dont know what to do... i asked my parents for letting me do diff short courses & gain my confidence & meet diff ppl & learn frm the, but they just totally refused it............ so i can't see any hope either...
[/QUOTE]

Why would they refuse u? if they're so strict....how come they're letting u do a love marriage?

did the guy not see u the way you are when he was falling in love with u? u say its a love marriage, but does he really love u that u say he feels embarrassed by you?
best thin gis to just talk to him straight up..and ask him if he's embarrassed of u..if he cannot accept you for you now, then he never will... he will always have problems wiht the way you are and it will just turn ugly in the future.
shuker karo ke this is ahppening right now instead of after shadi

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4

Lajwanti, i m curious..if his family lives abroad..the way u said it it sounds like u dont live in the same country as they do...so then how did u guyz fall in love?

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Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

He fell in love with YOU … i mean real YOU … and now he wants you to change. Ummm … kinda strange :hmmm:

You sure this is the only reason and he is not just doing it to dominate your personality entirely ?

and Yea communication is key, so ask him why he is doing it and what triggered that change …

Good luck :jhanda:

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Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

what kind of screwed up love is this. give him the finger and tell him to bugger off.

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Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

^^ :S

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haha!

but seriously dnt be pressurised into changing tell him ul adapt slowly an he cannot force u to change completely. talk to ur fiancee im sure he will understand.
good luck hun

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Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

Perhaps your guy is just trying to help. I'm not sure but it sounds like you live in Pak and he lives in the west somewhere? While he may love you just the way you are, he sees that you will have a big adjustment to make when you move abroad. Its fine to be restricted and to lead the restricted life over in Pak and to wear burkha or hijaab but that way of life doesnt fit in over here. He may be trying to prepare you for that because it will be a huge change and a different way of life for you. Sometimes (actually many times lol), guys have the very best of intentions but do not explain them in the best of ways which can lead to hurt feelings. The thing is, he is not saying that you are stupid or anything like that....rather he seems to be showing you how his sisters dress where they live - a place that you have likely never seen and therefore dont know about yet. He also knows that its going to be more difficult for you to adjust if you can't speak the language. While he may have explained these things poorly, it does show that he cares, that he wants you to be able to fit in and be able to more easily adjust.

As far as your parents keeping you too close and not letting you make these preparations.....maybe look around on the internet for english courses and translation sites. Translation sites can be great for learning important words and phrases. Watch english-speaking television shows and news reports. Your parents sound old-fashioned and are keeping you safe and sound for the short time you have left with them.

Perhaps tell your intended that you've been feeling depressed and frustrated because you are so limited for now. And that once you move, you'll have the freedom to take classes and shop for clothes. And it may be harder on you once you get over there but there isnt much to be done about it right now. I bet he will understand and stop making you feel bad.

All the best to you :)

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vry well said
100%% true

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Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

just tell him. "this is me. if u dont like then tough i aint gun change. accept me for how i am or the weddings off"

show him u wont be pushed into sumthing that u dont want to do.

Shadow Art !!!
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Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

He's embarrassed by you?? This is the sentence that bothered me the most.
If he's embarrassed by you now and compares you with his sisters and cousins, then whats the guarentee he wont do that when you live with him..i mean you are not even in his 'dastras' and he's got so many issue, and when you are then whats going to happen?

I say you think it over because only now would be the time to back off! He's probably better off marrying someone of his status.
May you be blessed with a happy and peaceful life, ameen!

By the way, how did you guys fall in love???

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Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

tell him…what he is demanding is wayyy to normal…

if you also adopted the things what his sis or rest of the of his family are doing, then whats a difference between you and them?

i dont get it the gals who like to follow normal life style, why cant they stand up for it? instead they get into inferiority complex.

if you believe that you are rational then learn to define it against irrationalities…

ps. Pakistani wazeer-e-azam sahab bhi make-up ker k atay hain…abb kia un ko copy kerna shuru ker day banda :aq:

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yes..i agree with mamaof. he may just be nervous about how u will b able 2 fit in and he cares but he doesnt understand how to express this without u feeling hurt. mayb his intention was not to hurt you. if everything else is good between both of you and you know he cares about you, then i dont think its a good idea to blow him off.
dont let these things bother you..have confidence in yourself that if not now then when you come abroad you WILL be able to change and adapt..i know u will. i c it all the time, girls adjust here better than even the guyz. dont let such complexes ruin your relationship..u will have an new and different life after marriage and you WILL find the strength inside of u 2 adjust.

good luck sweety.

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I totally agree.

L_N: You seriously need to talk to your fiance. You say it's a love marriage (he obviously knew you before the engagement right?), then why does he want you to change your ways in any way, be it clothing or language? It seems weird. But it's wrong of him to be feeling embarassed of you.. if he already feels this way towards you then what are things going to be like when you are married and living with him/his fam? Either it's the way the guy is communicating with you (not saying what he means properly) or you might just want to think again about your r/s with him and your future. You do still have the chance to as your only engaged.

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Thanks guys
thats soo sweet of all you guys, really thanks for ur time & help :)
i'm feeling much better after reading all this, & i talked to him yesterday, he got really very worried abt it & felt sorry abt it, he said i want you to look at ur best in everything, i want everyone to say that ohh look at his wife ,how perfect is she.. he is a doctor & he has complete all his education frm U.S.& the entire family lives there , while i live in middle east & my father is also a businessman, we r totally equal in status & family values, just the only thing is that his parents have given total freedom to their daughters (3), while i'm the only daughter so my parents has always been extremely sensitive abt me, i dont go to my friends house, i cant drive, cannot go to college trips even cannot stay with my cousins at their place,canot wear what i like, ..... ,...... ,.... ,......
so maybe thats why i got inferiority complex, when i start comparing myself with his sisters, i know i'm wrong but while talking to them i feel there is something missing in myself..

mamaof3 u r CORRECT......thanks alot, & thanks to everyone else :) ..love u lot :* ,
& sara dear now its too late, actually its our nikkah, but the rukhsati is after 5months so we call it engagment, so now cannot even think abt breaking it off .

yes my parents r so strict that he saw my pics & liked me & contacted my parents,& after a long discussion when everything got almost done-- he requested my parents tht i want to talk to ur daughter before getting marry, i want to share our thoughts & want to see if we can have better understanding or not, but my family totally refused, & nobody let us meet, & then everything got ended, but maybe it was in my naseeb so right after 1 yr just by chance we met again in a friend's wedding, & then for the first time we got a chance to talk to eachother, & then we find ourselves fine for eachother & then all the things started again & we got marry lol, thats the story....................btw keep it secret still nobody knows it llol
i'm feeling much better now, but can anyone guide me abt how to improve my personality? & how the things willbe after going to U.S? he said to me that i liked u cuz of ur innocence, & shyness but i want u to be very pretty & modern & efficient after marriage as i'm an American. :(
so guys any new advices abt improving looks & building my confidence?? since there is no one to help me out...

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Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

if what you narrated is really true, then my advice, back off. have some self respect. deny this relationship from getting ay further.

apparently, you need to build your own self confidence before you can trust even a good person to be qualified and stand by you as a loving and caring equal partner, not as a cruel master to a helpless pet animal.

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Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

Never ever change yourself for anyone... be it your your parents, your siblings, or even your spouse. Why must you change yourself to make him happy? If you're not comfortable becoming "modernized" or wearing the kinds of clothes that his sisters wear, then dont. You're not a puppet... he tells you what to do and you automatically go about doing it. Every person has their own unique style and personality, why go and change it to something thats not you? You need to be confident in who you are and force him to accept it.... dont let him force you into being someone youre not.

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Re: inferiority complex by inlaws_plz help

Tell him plain and simple that while you are at your parents house there is nothing you can do to change the way you talk ,walk and dress. Tell him to be patient till after the wedding. I have seen people change overnight. He can see a new you once you are at his home after the wedding. Whatever you and he are trying to achieve will not take a long time once you are there in his home as his wife .

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Well now...we c a clearer picture i guess...

However, he should understand that the circumstances under which u are living will not allow u to do anything....like u said ur parents are pretty strict (i know where yer coming from :()... so, he should be patient..

also another thing is that it seems like you've been very very sheltered, since ur family doesn't let you do anything, you really haven't experienced much of life and he realizes that..i doubt he wants ut o be exactly like theM.. but he wants you to be more comfortable in your new surroundings and that's understandable..but under the circumstances u are in (ur parents are extremely strict) he should realize that ur not in a position to do much. Also, since u'e been very sheltered you really haven't experienced any thing...u never know, u might enjoy your life after shadi. Personally i feel that going into a less-strict household is better than marrying into a family where family is very very strict. that'd be more tougher =/