you're his wife, not a show piece for OTHERS to "oohhh-aahhh" about. Its rather surprising for him to say "i want everybody else to appreciate you", he married you in appreciation of your simplicity/ innocence and now he wants all that to change? but I guess you are married now so you have to resolve this is a more senisitive manner... just be strong with what you feel your limits are, warna it may be that you're asked to do something that you're totally not comfortable with.
And remember; there is no obediance to the created over the Creator :)
yes i totally agree with you dushwairi & riya, but its easy to say when u lack any emotions & feelings, but he is my first & last love ,i have spend 1 & a half year only thinking about him while he was in U.S , & everything was finished inbetween our families so we never met them ever again, but after 1 yr just by luck we met again & talked & had relationship for 6 months & then he told to our families & they proposed again & everything went so smooth. but i really love him lot soo i really get disturb & stressed on his new demands everyday.
just be yourself. dont change anything about yourself.
you will lose yourself, in pleasing this person for no good.
this is his test. if he has any respect for you as a person, which he must have first, before he can respect you as his better half, then he wont be foolish and demean you like this.
"but I guess you are married now so you have to resolve this is a more senisitive manner... "
ok pinks but can anyone tell me HOW TO RESOLVE IT???, thats the point where i'm weak so just get upset everytime :(
btw love you last line pinks :)
^ Honestly the best way to fix this is to talk to him, and him alone. this is something that's between the two of you. getting out of this relationship is not an option that much is clear..even we cannot give u good advice because we don't know the whole story.. you know him best.... communication is the key, you should tell him how he is making you feel and you should know why he is telling u what he is telling u.
Your confidence will build on its own over time. Once you marry and live with your hubby, you will gain much freedom and independence as far as lifestyle goes. I was glad to hear that he told you he loves you just as you are. And that he'd like to see you u "to be very pretty & modern & efficient after marriage as i'm an American"....
He once again phrased it badly lol but I kind of see what he's saying. You wont fit in well in the US if you lead the type of life that you are leading now. American woman are independent - go shopping on their ow, make choices on their own. From what clothes to wear, what to buy at grocery store what to cook, what furniture and furnishings to put in the home. Anyway, once you come over, you will have many opportunities to build your confidence. Take a trip to a mall and pick out some nice outfits then model them for your hubby. You'll be proud of yourself and he will be proud of you. Sign up for english classes and speak english as much as you can. Get out and about as much as you can, find the best grocery store in your area, the best clothing stores, etc. Each accomplishment, no matter how small, will help build your confidence. In the meantime, it sounds like there isnt all that much you can to in preparation other than surf the internet, try to find language and translation sites. Maybe even start looking at western clothes and the different retailers so that you have an idea of what you'd like to buy and wear once you get here. You could even mail or message outfits and furnishings to your guy and show him that you're preparing for and thinking about your big move. Its going to be a big adjustment for you. But if you look at it as work to be done and work that you want to do well, it will be much easier.
I still think that your guy has the very best in mind for you and I dont agree with the ones who think you should dump him. You mentioned that he is a doctor. His life at work will be very long hours so he will not be able to help you constantly. And if you isolate yourself, you will be unhappy and alone all the time. If you get out there, do shopping and getting around on your own than you will be happy and he will not have to worry as much about being away for long working hours. I'm quite sure that this has been on his mind as he has been encouraging you even if he puts it badly...I wish you all the best.
I'd like to add that expressing your feelings directly to him and getting increasingly comfortable doing that will convey the kind of confidence it is important for you to develop.
i think there may be a misunderstanding in what he wants from you. it may not be that he wants you to start dressing more 'modern' or 'western' and other things relating to how you look and just that he wants you to be able to fit in and be an independent women in some senses and not so reliant on him for everything.
he is a doctor - a professional - and no doubt he will mix in social circles where there are strong, educated, independent women and i think he probably just wants you to fit to this environment. you know this doesn't mean that you have to give up your conservative values if you don't want to (i don't know whether at the moment it's your choice or whether it's imposed by your family and environment), you can still dress in a modest way if you choose, it can be adapted to fit in which your new surroundings etc.
i'm sure you will change when you move anyway. many pakistani girls come to the west and fit in no problem even if they have come from a very different family life - learn how to drive, go shopping and take care of household affairs on their own etc etc.
usually it's just not feasible to keep living in the way you would have done back home, especially since your hubby is a doctor and will be busy with his career.
don't worry about it :)
speak to him again and explain how difficult it is for you to anything while you are still with your parents but that when you go and live with him you will do your best with his support. he needs to know that you will need his support and guidance in the beginning to adapt to your new environment and that he can't expect you to fit in overnight.
it would also be best to ask him what his life is like, what sort of things his sisters are used to doing in their daily lives etc, this way you will get a good idea of what kind of changes you will have to make.
be strong, inshallah everything will work out fine :)
^ Thats true, but even then its not right for him to hurt her self esteem.
Is he clear in his expectations? I think you change yourself in every marriage a little bit but you are not some object that he can mold to what he desires. I know a lot of guys marry innocent girls from back home because they are easy to mold, don't let him do that to you. Where you are right, hold your ground. Where you need improvement, improve yourself. And self confident isn't something you can buy off the shelf, its something that builds over time, after you achieve things. And number one thing is to not care what people think about you and know that you are not perfect, no one is, not even your doctor husband.
I SOOO understand what you are going through with your parents and your insecurities with your husband. I went through these issues few years back when I moved to the US too from Saudi because I was home schooled and extremely sheltered, still am and had many social issues. I moved here when i was in middle school and kids that age aren't that forgiving. A lot of them would talk to me not because they enjoyed my company because they thought my innocence was so funny. They would always laugh at things i said and thought i was some sort of alien or something. Anyways, my point here is you are going to be coming into a much better situation. If you are taking college courses, there is always international offices, PSAs, MSAs, and other people who will help you out especially your husband and you SILs, hopefully.
Anyways, if your husband wanted someone "modern" and a trophy wife, why didn't he look for one? I mean he obviously knew your religious background.
Your story is totally understandable. When girls shift from Pakistan to anywhere abroad they have to make a lot of adjustments especially in their own selves i.e they have careers, also work at home, dress up, go shopping, speak different languages etc. do everything their own self basically. It is part of adjusting to the new environment.
Anyway, coming back to your question how can you build up your confidence and be able to blend in easily. I also agree with mamaof3, you should not at all think of dumping him. He loves you and is looking for your betterment. And if you start building those things now you will be able to adjust there better. I also think that he doesn’t compare you with his sisters. He just wants to show you a sample as to what type of dressing and style he likes.Also, dont ever be angry at your parents for not letting you do things alone…they are just protective and that is 100% understandable when you are one daughter so all possessiveness is for you.
Anyway, what you can do sitting at home is
For dressing, go to GupShup wedding forums and select nice clothes designs for yourself. Try to choose those that will suit you well, will maintain your individuality but will also be contemporary. Not just GupShup, go to other forums and websites and select designs and if you like any even buy them online. Otherwise, get those clothes made for your wedding. If you would wear those type of clothes initially, he will definitely be satisfied that you are adjusting in the new environment. Do not make a huge transformation all of a sudden neither you, nor him and might as well your parents might not be comfortable with that.
Start reading novels, and other English books at home. You might not notice a change instantly but gradually reading really improves ones vocabulary and enhances your speaking skills too. Also try and speak English with your siblings and any other acquaintances as well. Its just practicing. This isn’t a big jump and also not a big sacrifice you are giving for him. It is for the betterment of you and him both.
Watch English movies and TV Series, yet again to improve English and the more knowledge you will gain will help develop more confidence in you.
Go to websites that describe lifestyle in the U.S state he lives in. Understanding his culture, lifestyles there and happenings will mentally develop your mind beforehand. He will also appreciate that you know so much about his living area already.
Go to different websites, including GupShup, and learn a few different tips on how to do different hair dos and different make ups. What ever one may be wearing, the type of make up and hair do can really distinguish oneself into bringing them into the ‘mod’ and ‘fashionable’ zone you mentioned.
Read newspapers and informative websites, ones education is normally calculated by what he is speaking about and how much he knows about it. So read up on general news, politics, countries, clothings, fashion etc. you will be pretty much updated and you will be able to be in conversations easily with your sis-in-laws and your hubby too.
I am sure you can easily do the above 6. by just sitting at home. This way your parents will be happy that you are home, and your hubby will be happy that there is a gradual change. Also you wouldnt have to lose your simplicity and individuality.:biggthumb
Hello Guys :D
Everytime i open this site, & i just wonder how nice ppl r there, who takeout there time & try to help me in every way, really Millions of THANKS to everyone here :), i really liked the things mentioned by mamaof3, stoppit, phatbalongri, & daffyduck :D, thanks guys,
but u know recently he has register me for the Toefl tests held at my place after 1& half month :( :(, he is a doctor while i have recently completed my graduation in Arts :( , so obviously there is a big difference in our education, he says that its a very easy test u don't have to worry abt anything, while i'm not feeling comfortable at all :), lol again bad luck :(
yeah stopit i agree with u cuz he keep telling me that how intellectual r his coworkers :-/, & when i complain him that then go to them dont chat with me then he start saying no i was just teasing u :(, & daffyduck about ur 4th point, my husband has already send me the book for learning driving+ the map of his city, that read them & learn them properly so u won't have any problem after coming here, i know he is expecting too much lol. he says learn everything before the marriage so u'll have free time after the marriage.
You know sara & mama, i was wondering that i have wrote everything abt myself, is it nice or not, i was thinking if now i should erase this msg, but after reading ur sooo sweet msgs i have decided to keep it atleast until my wedding lol, i'm sure i'll definately learn something frm all u guys :)
Luv you all :*
Thank you for the kind words Laji Noor! I should tell you that I am gori, born and raised, married my "knight in shining armor" who is a desi and well, here I am. i am a sucker for a love story such as you yourself are living...and I hope you dont mind if I say that it could be a really popular bollywood movie....I'm just crunching my popcorn and cheering you on lol!!
Hehe I am also engaged so you can say just my little bit of experience. I just believe that such things shouldn’t be made a bone of contention and what ever may be required at your end you should give it a shot. Bestest of luck sweety!
