Fazeelat, I’m Punjabi. And my mom once said that you can say the SAME SENTENCE in urdu and in Punjabi…and it will sound harsher in Punjabi (even though the meaning of the sentence is the same). Punjabi has a rougher cadence to it. “Bari soni gaddi aye” is not a gaali or an insult. You may not like the way it flows, but it’s not offensive. Are you a Punjabi yourself? If you’re not…first you need to be able to differentiate between what is offensive and what isn’t.
Here are a couple of ideas that I have, I apologize if they’ve already been mentioned as I didn’t read through the thread in its entirety.
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From what I know, the two languages taught in schools in Pakistan are urdu and English. Little kids are often excited about the idea of going to school. They look forward to it. So, you can even tell your son that he should ALSO make the effort to speak in Urdu because that’s what he’ll be reading and writing and speaking in school. This does that mean that you should eliminate Punjabi altogether. But get him to also focus on urdu (using school as motivation).
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Your son’s grandparents are not going to change. This has already been mentioned. And sometimes elders are amused at the outbursts of children…and this only encourages them. You know your husband better than we do. If he’s supportive of you, then talk to him about this (without putting blame on his parents). If he’s not supportive, then it can get sticky. Soooo…
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When your son says something crude in Punjabi in front of his grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins…teach him the more proper way of saying something. And in a simple way…use Islamic references to teach him about the importance of using decent language. You’re not going to preach to your in-laws. You’re going to be looking at your son when you bring Islam into this. And this is an indirect way of getting your in-laws (the elders)…to reflect over their actions. It’s like an indirect reminder for them.
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You could also nicely tell your in-laws that you’re trying to get him more comfortable for school because he’ll need to have a grasp for Urdu as well.
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You are his mother. You are the one who has more of a right to discipline him. When you feel he’s getting out of line…discipline him. But at the same time, also reward your son when he speaks politely. Praise him when he speaks politely so that he knows that etiquette is appreciated. And if you praise his polite behavior in front of the grandparents…they might also join in…it benefits your son. He should not be showing aggressive behavior. You talk to him about it…and if he misbehaves…put him in time out/take the toys or some other privilege away, etc. Are you being firm enough? Sometimes parents warn their children that they’ll be punished…but never follow through on the consequence. And to kids, this lack of consistency sends double messages…and they don’t take you seriously…because there are no boundaries.