The issue must be pretty serious if you have decided to post on a public forum.
His behaviour is inexcusable. Yes we all get angry, we all want to scream and shout. But we don't because if we all started doing that we'd have no relationships left to maintain.
You need to stand your ground with him. When he shouts and swears, simply say to him that you will in no circumstances be spoken to in that way and then walk away. Let him know that when he is ready to start acting like a man you are willing to sit and talk it through. Keep letting him get away with his kind of behaviour and he will make it the norm.
Thank you guys so much for all of your advice! I am truly grateful for GS and all of you caring people on it!
I spoke to him today about what he said to me and how wrong it was and he agreed that he shouldn't have spoken to me like that. His excuse is that he gets really frustrated and he can't control himself. But I didn't take that as an answer and I told him that he's not 5 years old and if can't control his emotions then to go get some anger management. I told him that I am giving him one last chance and if this happens again then I am going to his parents. He said he will try his best not to act like that again. We're still not speaking properly but I guess it will take time.
Korn, I can't believe what you are going through! I don't know your entire story but why are you staying with this man? I know verbal abuse is really bad, but if my hubby ever laid a hand on me I would leave so fast it would make his head spin. I know it's difficult when you have children because you need to think about them first and yourself last, but are your parents in Dubai as well? Maybe you can go to them until he straightens up? You are really brave, but please protect yourself as well!!
Depends on how bad the argument is. If you know they are in a bad mood in the first place, dont push it. Simple.
why not be the better person and just leave it. Walk away? how is that being not being an adult?
Some people have mroe temper than others. He clearly does not swear all the time, if that were the case he would be doing it non-stop infront of his family.
Just cus he's a man, doesnt mean us females can say whatever.
Having said all this, i am not by any means saying swearing shoould be allowed. But if he loses his head once or twice a year, why does it make him such a bad person?
I try to just stay quiet when he gets like that as I have seen that yelling and shouting does nothing but make the situation worse. But when I am quiet he still swears and that really makes me upset. It used to be once or twice a year but now it's like every other day!
There is no excuse/reason for behaving like this but husband-wife relationship demands remedies and puck does not stops at just finding out the reason anyway.
While babies are the bundle of joy for parents they also come with extra baggage of sleepless nights, less socialization, more financial burden (if you can call it a burden) and others. VERY FEW people (specially males) transform from husband to father seamlessly. Mothers on the other hand due to their nature adapt the changes better than father.
First thing first you have to make him realize that his behaviour is totally unacceptable and you will not tolorate it next time on. Tell him about the consequencies as you see fit. Either you will go to his parents, or walk away from arguments, or go to your parents home and what not. Make sure you are tell hum about consequencies and not "threat".
Once that is done, you have to figure out the reason he is behaving like this and either fix that or work around it. I have observed that 80% of the time for guys its less socialization and less husband-wife private time.
Best of luck.
PS: Personally I dont consider man who curse at their wives man enough.
Leaving home is kind of difficult since I have a small child and I also live with my in-laws. They have no clue what is going on. They are nice people and I don't want to worry them with our issues. Plus, I want to keep our issues private.
If he is scared of his parents, he would want you to do that even less.
I am not suggesting you storm off. Just tell your MIL/FIL that you need to take a walk. It is upto you to take your kid with you or not, obviously depending on what is easier and suitable for you.
Basically, what I am imagining when I say this is a person with a healthy self-respect, who can take care of herself. You have already proved that you can forgive him and are strong that way. Another aspect of strength is protecting yourself from any such behavior and putting an end to it. You have tried it the conversation way, it hasn't worked so far. This is not even a fight, the way I see it, because he would be aware of your actions from before. It is you protecting yourself from him, that is it.
If he wasn't like this before, something must have stressed him greatly.
Try talking with him, and if he blows up again like a bomb then go to the parents.
Trying shedding a tear or two if he calls you a vulgar name. It'll try to knock some sense in him from yelling at his own wife.
Hey, sorry to hear you are going through this. You are going to hate me for saying this, but, is he doing anything he should not be doing? Because people often lash out and get angry with others when THEY are guilty of something. does he come home on time or has changed habits?
If no, then you must give him a good scare. You dont deserve to be treated this way, you had his child. LEAVE. Go stay at a relative's house. If MIL or FIL asks why, just say that you guys are having problems and need to leave for bit. I know people here have told you otherwise, but a real man does not need to be explained over and over again why its wrong to scream at his wife all the time. If you keep nodding or simply agreeing to everything he says, he will lose respect. Show him that you know that you deserve better. And I dont care if his job is stressful, or if he isnt sleeping right bla bla bla...there is not excuse
I am puzzled why some women here are giving this kind of advice.
I understand one should not be verbally abused at all... but leaving or going away to your parents, is not the solution to the problem. Nor is it a "scare" tactic.
What the OP has failed to mention is what the arguments are about. She did mention, some are in regards to the baby... from what I read, I think he is overprotective about the child... and if she is disagreeing with him in regards to the safety and security of their child, that would pretty much set anyone off.
I am no way saying that swearing at her is the way to go... its silly to swear at ur spouse or anyone for that matter of be verbally abusive. But, one also needs to understand what may be causing such issues.
Ur saying, that job stress and fatigue shouldnt be an excuse.... but that is the biggest reason why people do get under pressure. Fatigue and stress can REALLY set anyone off. It should not be ignored.. and neither should it be fueled.
I am puzzled why some women here are giving this kind of advice.
I understand one should not be verbally abused at all... but leaving or going away to your parents, is not the solution to the problem. Nor is it a "scare" tactic.
What the OP has failed to mention is what the arguments are about. She did mention, some are in regards to the baby... from what I read, I think he is overprotective about the child... and if she is disagreeing with him in regards to the safety and security of their child, that would pretty much set anyone off.
I am no way saying that swearing at her is the way to go... its silly to swear at ur spouse or anyone for that matter of be verbally abusive. But, one also needs to understand what may be causing such issues.
Ur saying, that job stress and fatigue shouldnt be an excuse.... but that is the biggest reason why people do get under pressure. Fatigue and stress can REALLY set anyone off. It should not be ignored.. and neither should it be fueled.
By leaving I didnt mean officially seperating or a divorce. Just a few days at a relatives house. But here are her words: We get into a lot more arguments and fights and instead of fighting and getting over it quickly as we used to, *it escalates and he becomes incredibly angry to the point of calling me horrible names, repeatedly saying the F word, cussing like crazy, and telling me he hates me and wishes we were never married. One time he told me that if it wasn't for our child we would be divorced. *
I know stress and fatigue can make someone frustrated, angry even...but this? I am sorry, but this is abusive and IMO there is no excuse for it. I also believe the op said that she had tried to discuss it with him..and soon enough it goes back to normal.
How many times does he need to be told that it is hurtful? Also, if she decides to leave, the MIL AND FIL will notice and its an opportunity for them to get involved a bit if she wants them too. I am usually a private person, but in this situation, even I would want my PIL to know whats going on and hopefully knock some sense into their son
well thats reassuring to know he doesn't hit you infront of the kids! ha ha! *"girls, please go watch some tv! you can put the volume high! i need to talk with your mum for 15 mins!!!!!!" *
why are you thinking so ahead into remarrying? deal with your current husband first. also just b/c your neighbour had a bad experience with her 2nd husband, it doesn't mean all men are like this!
you deserve a man who treats you like a husband should.
what happens when your daughters have grown up and they see you both fighting and one interferes defending you - and your husband hits her in anger? soon your daughters will pick this all up and say something. unless they grow up in fear as well.
I am not trying to make excuses for him. But he really is a very caring husband and father. He would do anything for us. He has defended me in front of his parents countless times when they say things about me. When we get along, he is very sweet and loving. He helped me to pursue further education after we got married. So I KNOW that he is not evil. He just cannot control his emotions very well and says anything that he knows will hurt me.
I do agree with Sadzzz that leaving will make the situation worse. I am the type of person that believes no one should know what goes on between a husband and wife (with the exception of GS ofcourse lol). About 95% of our fights now are about the baby. He is extremely over-protective and we have differing opinions. So that is what is triggering our fights.
nina, i wouldnt want to get the inlaws involved with petty arguments between a husband and his wife. There are women who have extreme problems.. which may need an elders input, but clealy Maya doesnt think her arguments with the hubby have gotten to that point
i havent read any of the replies but the first thing that came to my mind was post partum depression.. and yes.... men can get it too :)
talk to him... leave the baby with the in laws.. go out... and talk casually.. adn get it out of him ... i never saw my husband cry nor be weak.. but as soon as my son was born he was a crying machine overwhelmed by emotions and god knows what else....
at first i didnt know what was goin on with him and to be honest, didnt have the time to care cuz i was soo bz with my newborn... but im glad we got it sorted out fast cuz it was getting to me...
so who knows.. maybe ure husband feels left out, stressed at becoming a first time dad and no one is bothering to talk to him bout how he feels... do it :)
and ya... i dont think u need to get the in laws involved at this point... ure grown up adults.. im sure talking it out will help rather tahn making a jalebi by involving other ppl and their views and opinions :)
People get angry for a reason. I'm not saying that justifies what his behavior. I think before walking out (even though it is temporary) you need to determine the root cause of his anger. Maybe he is attempting to discuss issues with you, and he doesn't feel like you are listening to him. When an issue arrises, do you let him express his concern without interupptions and let him know that you will work on those issues, or do you cut him off and become defensive? It's just hard for me to believe a man will change all of a sudden after their child is born. As far as I know most "normal" men have a new found respect for their wife after she gives birth, seeing what she has gone through to help create a family. As you stated things haven't always been like this, obviously something has changed for him to become disturbingly angry. Maybe he feels neglected after your child was born, so he may be picking fights with you because he wants attention. Just try to look at it from his point of view, give him more attention, if that doesn't work, than tell him that if he continues with this you will leave.