My husband is generally a very happy go-lucky guy. He was and is incredibly sweet to me. Takes care of me. Does whatever he can for me. The problem is that ever since we had our first child, things have changed between us. We get into a lot more arguments and fights and instead of fighting and getting over it quickly as we used to, it escalates and he becomes incredibly angry to the point of calling me horrible names, repeatedly saying the F word, cussing like crazy, and telling me he hates me and wishes we were never married. One time he told me that if it wasn’t for our child we would be divorced.
I try not to hold a grudge and start talking to him and joking around the next day and then he becomes normal. However, if I don’t do that then he won’t talk to me for 4-5 days. I can’t take the swearing and name calling anymore. It’s horrible and married people shouldn’t speak to each other this way. I don’t know what to do besides cry. I’m at the end of my rope here. The only solution is to nod my head at whatever he says. I’ve tried to talk to him about it and he says that he’ll stop saying those things to me, but then it happens all over again. We really love each other deep down, but sometimes I wish I could give him a good scare so he would stop saying these things and treat me with more respect.
If you have already had this discussion, then have it again and tell him that next time he does this, you are walking out on him (not leaving the marriage) and walk out of the argument, as soon as he starts.
He knows he shouldn't be doing it. You need to do a physical act that says that this is NOT ok. Just leave home. Come back whenever you want to, go about your life in your home, the way you normally would. Don't talk to him or do anything for him until he comes and apologizes. I am assuming he would do that if he knows that it is wrong of him to be cussing at you.
Before you do this though, make sure you tell him while you're having an adult conversation about this issue, that you will walk out on him next time this happens. It is not an ultimatum, it is a reminder that whatever he is doing is wrong and you won't stand for it. Tell him that if it happens, you won't be dealing with him until you get over your feelings about the issue - and then basically punish him by not talking to him for at least long enough for him to really feel it (I know you don't want that kind of a thing going on in a marriage, but sometimes, that is what forms tough love and is sometimes necessary).
Tell him how difficult it is for you to swallow that and how you have been trying to not hold a grudge. Tell him that if he doesn't take responsibility for this part of your relationship, it will be damaged beyond repair, which again isn't an ultimatum, but a truth that WILL effect you both.
Make sure you STICK to everything you say. And make sure you don't give him ultimatums, but tell him about the consequences of his actions.
Leaving home is kind of difficult since I have a small child and I also live with my in-laws. They have no clue what is going on. They are nice people and I don't want to worry them with our issues. Plus, I want to keep our issues private.
well some mens get angry easily and when they are angry, they dont knw what they are saying? well agnore him for few days when he swear at you and answer him rudely if he ask something and if ask you why you are being rude, then say after what you said to me, do you expect me to behave normal
so sorry to hear what you are going through. so sad. :(
how do your in-laws have no clue what is going on?! have they never ever heard you guys argue or him swear at you, as you all live together? But you certainly do not have to put up with any of this vicious behavior any longer!
and he threatens you with divorce?! so juvenile and full of rage. he has no right to treat you like that! and to keep grudges for 4-5 days?! i think he needs help esp' in dealing with his anger.
you talking to him about all this has brought no change whatsoever. but don’t put up with this!
you need to confide in your MIL and FIL. As you are living under their roof, they are meant to protect you.
My husband is generally a very happy go-lucky guy. He was and is incredibly sweet to me. Takes care of me. Does whatever he can for me. The problem is that ever since we had our first child, things have changed between us. We get into a lot more arguments and fights and instead of fighting and getting over it quickly as we used to, it escalates and he becomes incredibly angry to the point of calling me horrible names, repeatedly saying the F word, cussing like crazy, and telling me he hates me and wishes we were never married. One time he told me that if it wasn't for our child we would be divorced.
I try not to hold a grudge and start talking to him and joking around the next day and then he becomes normal. However, if I don't do that then he won't talk to me for 4-5 days. I can't take the swearing and name calling anymore. It's horrible and married people shouldn't speak to each other this way. I don't know what to do besides cry. I'm at the end of my rope here. The only solution is to nod my head at whatever he says. I've tried to talk to him about it and he says that he'll stop saying those things to me, but then it happens all over again. We really love each other deep down, but sometimes I wish I could give him a good scare so he would stop saying these things and treat me with more respect.
There is something that is upsetting your husband and you don't know that for sure. My advise to you to go to your mom's house for a few days tell him that you need some rest and feel like spending sometime with your family. Give him some time alone. Let him cool down. Let him feel yours and your baby's absence. You also think about your relationship , analyse it , try to find out what is going wrong. You said that your inlaws are nice people. I am glad ! I am sure your husband is a nice person too and he surely loves his child. Handle your situation very tactfully.
That's so so wrong. No husband wife should do that at all. I am sure he loves you, and you love him too. Some people just have "gandi zaban." When they cuss, their parents don't care hence they think its okay to do that. They learn things outside and apply it on people at home. It is not okay to do that. You are his wife, mother of his child, he should respect you. Imagine your kid listening to that, growing up hearing the F word. Of course he/she will do the same.
Everyone has arguement. I do. But we never ever disrespect each other. I get really really angry. I am in serious need of anger managment but I never cuss, i don't even say shutup to my husband ever. Its not acceptable.
You've talked to him, he says he is wrong, but he continues to do that. Well he knows he is wrong. He just can't control it. As someone suggested, the second he starts saying bad things, you need to walk out of it, the argument, not your house.. lol.. and tell him you will listen to him once he is calmed. Just walk away. Tell him you'll state your point once he stops saying those bad words. Of course if you are not there, he won't have anyone to argue with, he'll understand that in order to convey his point, he needs to not cuss at you.
well some mens get angry easily and when they are angry, they dont knw what they are saying? well agnore him for few days when he swear at you and answer him rudely if he ask something and if ask you why you are being rude, then say after what you said to me, do you expect me to behave normal
It's usually really stupid, I don't even remember our fights half of the time. For example, one time he told me that I need to start doing more at home and then we got into a fight like that. Another time he saw that my son was close to the side of the crib instead of in the middle and he took a huge fit.
There is something that is upsetting your husband and you don't know that for sure. My advise to you to go to your mom's house for a few days tell him that you need some rest and feel like spending sometime with your family. Give him some time alone. Let him cool down. Let him feel yours and your baby's absence. You also think about your relationship , analyse it , try to find out what is going wrong. You said that your inlaws are nice people. I am glad ! I am sure your husband is a nice person too and he surely loves his child. Handle your situation very tactfully.
so sorry to hear what you are going through. so sad. :(
how do your in-laws have no clue what is going on?! have they never ever heard you guys argue or him swear at you, as you all live together? But you certainly do not have to put up with any of this vicious behavior any longer!
and he threatens you with divorce?! so juvenile and full of rage. he has no right to treat you like that! and to keep grudges for 4-5 days?! i think he needs help esp' in dealing with his anger.
you talking to him about all this has brought no change whatsoever. but don’t put up with this!
you need to confide in your MIL and FIL. As you are living under their roof, they are meant to protect you.
I was actually thinking of threatening him and telling him that if he speaks like that to me again then I will go and tell his parents about his behaviour. He is actually pretty scared of them lol.
are u giving him enough time and priority? maybe he is stressed out about something?
I dont know how "unnormal" this is... but it happens.
I dont believe in giving ultimatums or going off to ur parents house. It will only make matters worst. Leave it for a bit, once he's calm.. maybe just talk normally. Once maybe he's in a good mood... u can raise ur concerns but not in an accusing way... be considerate. He may really be stressed out about something.
yes ! but the anger management issues were not always there ! they have just started. She said it that he was not like that before. There is something that is triggering his behaviour.
I was actually thinking of threatening him and telling him that if he speaks like that to me again then I will go and tell his parents about his behaviour. He is actually pretty scared of them lol.
Dont go to them yet. Try something else first.
are u giving him enough time and priority? maybe he is stressed out about something?
I dont know how "unnormal" this is... but it happens.
I dont believe in giving ultimatums or going off to ur parents house. It will only make matters worst. Leave it for a bit, once he's calm.. maybe just talk normally. Once maybe he's in a good mood... u can raise ur concerns but not in an accusing way... be considerate. He may really be stressed out about something.
Very good point. How is your family life? Are you guys very busy? Are your finances okay? Is his job stressful? Are you overly consumed with your baby?
Sometimes people get angry and nasty when they dont spend enough quality time together where they're just a couple...no one's parents, son, daughter, sister, brother, etc. Just a couple.
Find out what the reason is for him behaving this way...he may not even be aware of why he is doing this.
yes ! but the anger management issues were not always there ! they have just started. She said it that he was not like that before. There is something that is triggering his behaviour.
I was actually thinking of threatening him and telling him that if he speaks like that to me again then I will go and tell his parents about his behaviour. He is actually pretty scared of them lol.
Then you should tell your in-laws. You have given him plenty of chances. Your husband might get angry knowing you went to his parents, but you obviously thought enough was enough when you opened up this thread about him.
Your husband’s verbal abuse might not be intentionally at you, as it sounds like a personal problem he can't control. Maybe his anger gets triggered by the smallest things and then he can't control his rage once it’s started! But then he is responsible for his actions and his abuse is not only damaging to you but to your baby.
There is no shame in confiding in your in-laws about it. Go sit your in-laws down and talk to them, telling them everything. This is your right as you have tried to talk to your husband about it, with no luck though.
Hopefully something good will come out of it, inshallah, and your in-laws will help you. :)
are u giving him enough time and priority? maybe he is stressed out about something?
I dont know how "unnormal" this is... but it happens.
I dont believe in giving ultimatums or going off to ur parents house. It will only make matters worst. Leave it for a bit, once he's calm.. maybe just talk normally. Once maybe he's in a good mood... u can raise ur concerns but not in an accusing way... be considerate. He may really be stressed out about something.
Oh comon, lets not make excuses for poorly bred people. He obviously wasn't taught not to curse, or at least the lessons didn't get through to him. He probably held it together for a couple of years and now is finally getting comfortable with her, and his real colors show through.
You can get angry and snap and have bad days, but if its a trend, then it needs to stop.
Spend quality time with him. He could be missing the "alone" moments with you and may feel that the child is taking his place. Make a time each day to spend quality time with him. Try to go out together and leave the baby at home with family.
Oh comon, lets not make excuses for poorly bred people. He obviously wasn't taught not to curse, or at least the lessons didn't get through to him. He probably held it together for a couple of years and now is finally getting comfortable with her, and his real colors show through.
You can get angry and snap and have bad days, but if its a trend, then it needs to stop.
I agree with this ! We all make mistakes , once it can be forgiven and ignored , twice , thrice may be 4th and 5th time too. But if it's becoming a routine it needs to be stopped!