At least within our community in T.O., I’m noticing more and more people are getting divorced, the number of divorces just seems to be rapidly increasing. On the same note, the number of marriages amongst divorcees is increasing, meaning that people will get divorced and then find someone else fairly quickly, usually within a few months of their first divorce, and get married again.
I’m absolutely flabbergasted as to why and how this is happening, both in love marriages and arranged marriages. The main reasons that are being given for divorce is that one of the two spouses was hiding something major about themselves, or the guy turned out to be abusive, or the in-laws were too meddlesome, or the girl and boy just did not match. It’s like, don’t people find out this stuff beforehand? Or are they just in such a rush to get married that they don’t look at what is in front of them and get swept up in the whole fantasy marriage? Just this week alone I’ve heard about three girls, who are all in their early 20s, being divorced, and I’m hearing of similar cases within the community all the time.
Five years ago, this would not be the case. What has happened? What has changed that is making divorce such an easy option for people? I understand if there was abuse going on, but in so many other cases, it is like the families did not take their time to really get to know one another and just rushed into the marriage.
It is extremely scary, at least for me, to hear of such scenarios. It is so easy for people to lie and be fraudulent these days and pretend to be something they really are not. I’m lucky that my parents are very good at reading people, but what about those who are not? They get easily fooled and then are stuck in marriages where someone had lied and mislead the other family, which unfortunately, results in divorce.
It’s a thing called compromise that parents used to teach their kids in the older times. I think every man and woman can “match” and reach a common ground from which to take the marriage further. But for that you have to learn to compromise, and that is something we, the new gen. , are incapable of doing. I think the room for compromise in love marriages is less since expectations are already built up. I am sure if you were to do a study of divorce rates among desi marriages, you would find it to be signifiantly higher in the case of love marriages.
Tolerance and compromise are two other factors which are missing from people these days. Marrying again with the hope that they will get the moon this time soon fades and so does the charm of married life.
Hey...divorce needn't be seen as paki marriages faultering more than they did before...i always hear pakis argue that arranged marriages work, love marriages dont because of the high divorce rate in the west...just because pakis are married doesnt mean they are happy...it is just paki girls have always faced a social stigma when it comes to divorce or separation...one particular girl i know tried to divorce her husband because he was abusive to her and her kids...but her family didnt support her but said she should work it out...rather than a victim she was seen as being to blame becuase she was initiating the divorce...other reasons why paki girls stay in happy marriages is due to the fact that it is not financially viable to leave their husbands...some of these girls havent had the opportunity to complete education so aren't able to financially provide for their children if they are divorced...and obvious reasons such as pakis seeing a nuclear family as being the ideal for their children...as in they put their childrens happiness over their own...some paki women have never been happy in marriage but now some are making decisions to get divorces...
Now i am not advocating divorce to be correct or incorrect...in terms of divorce rates generally...a staggering 40% in the UK...and as you mentioned remarriages are on the increase...this highlights that individuals are looking for love becuase they dont abandon the institution in its entirety...but feel that their current partner isnt bringing them happiness and thats why its time for a change...unfortunately what we find is that people have sky high expectations of what their partners should be and unfortunately more often than not a partner wont be able to live up to that standard hence a divorce...but we try try again till we are happy...so divorce isnt always a bad thing...its just peoples expectations of a marriage are higher...a man cant simply put food on the table and consider himself a perfect husband and neither can a women constitute the perfect wife because of her fertility...men require a lot more from women and vice versa...but more often than not end up unsatisifed...
So divorce can be a mixed bag...its good for paki women who have genuinely bad husbands who are now emancipated enough to initiate the process but in all divorce is a sign of unreasonable rising expectations of ones spouse...some may see that as not settling for second best...i just feel no-one will ever reach self actualisation on maslows hierarchy of needs...and we need to be more flexible in life...just my thoughts
I wrote a huge reply and I wasnt logged in and it got deleted
As dope said, older women in our community are always saying that girls these days do not know how to compromise. You said that the girls’ getting divorced are in their early 20’s. And no matter what science says, they are a bit immature especially in this day and age, when girls are not trained to be married since the age of 12. I am 20, and I know I am not going to be ready for marriage now or in a year or two. And if you’re raised in teh west, you know more about your rights and if you’re young that kinda makes you rebellious.
If it is a love marriage, you would think that it would last longer than teh one where you dont know anything about your spouse. Because in that case, there is a possibility that the two ppl might not be compatible. So how can you be in love with a person when you’re not compatible? I mean with desi love, the girl’s only with a guy because he’s promised to marry her, right? So when you’re all in love and thinking you’ll die without him/her, how about take the time to find out more about his/her personality and each other’s moral values.
You would think that with women getting more education and living in the west with a bit more independence, would teach em how to deal eith these situations in a better manner. I am not saying that if these women are getting abused they shouldnt get any help, but some of them just dont want to put in the time and effort.
I wonder the girls that you are talking about ever went to college and werent jsut one of those girls who get done wtih high school and were just waiting for their raj kumar.
btw, have u heard any specifics about what kind of things were kept hidden about their spouses or in-laws? Like they said they had 3 houses and 6 cars but actually didnt? just an example :halo:
I am surprised divorce wasn’t as common before.
What can one expect….
when people don’t invest enough time to get to know each other
when people decide to marry by looking at a picture
when people take a chance on someone from a different culture (yes, abcd and fob is a different culture)
when hormones tell you it’s time to get married
when age tells you it’s time to get married
when ‘till death do us part’ is just a lip service
when ego is bigger than compromise
when parents find you a spouse even when they can’t select a decent dress for you
I personally know plenty of people, including friends and family, who opted for the love marriage but it failed or is producing dire results. I also know people with arranged marriages in similar situations.
Once you are married (being forcefully married is a different situation - even that can work at times), you should be fully responsible for making the marriage work. That goes for both males and females.
One aspect of it is the rising materialism in our own culture. Mehnaz, I guess you’re talking about desi families in particular?
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but materialism is such a big factor in the life of the average Pakistani these days. They’re obsessed with making dollars, not rupees. They’re obsessed wtih having beemers and mercedes and lexus. They’re obsessed with the houses they buy.
For example, if anyone here is familiar with the memon clans of florida, they’ll know that these days there is a tendency to compete with one another over houses. One memon guy here bought a house that was like 1 million. Some other family tried to top him by getting one that is 3 million. Where do they get the money, dont ask me. I haven’t seen 1 million in my life, nor am I likely to But fact of the matter is when materialism has pervaded our culture to the extent that it has, you’re going to see an effect on both arranged and love marriages.
When it comes to marriage, its very dangerous to equate in money into the picture. But that’s what I see A LOT of desi families doing. I have been helping some of the aunties around here find boys for my friends (their daughters). Everyone wants a doctor.
Lawyer is now fast becoming the new trend. But he’s got to work in a firm. A practice on the corner of some street in a small city doesn’t work.
And then you ask why marriages are ending in divorces so much?
Oh, and I agree also with the fact that many divorces are a result of women not being so afraid to stand up for themselves. I don’t think this is limited to abuse cases. Desi men have huge egos and they don’t like to be challenged.
Yeah PCG, I've said it before about materialism and believe me, I have felt the wrath in the community for not being a "professional". :D
It is pure greed and I think men feel the pressure a lot too. If you are a male doctor/lawyer, you are more desireable. Being in IT or any other field, even if you are a manager, just doesn't cut it.
Without sounding prejudice, I'm noticing the materialistic and greedy nature more in Pakistanis who are recent immigrants from Pakistan/middle east. It's all about luxury and designer materials. It's all about driving a Lexus, Mercedes and finding a spouse who can bring in the most money. They can be quite snobbish too. Of course, this doesn't apply to ALL immigrants, just some.
I agree - I used to want to marry a proffessional - only because i used to think those guys are smarter and conversation with them would be more interesting - plus i felt that the’d make better fathers, because they’ve been thru more academic challenges.
I dont feel that way much anymore - in the past 2 years, i’ve noticed that paki boys who are proffessionals tend to be more puffed up and pompous - and who wants that kind of influence in their home?
Just who is not materialistic. If you gals have the option between a filthy rich good person and a poor excellent person, whom are you going to choose.
I want a Lexus GS300 as well :D; it doesn't mean I don't have moral. Anybody who is working outside of his own country is a materialistic. I don't see any problem with that.
Well if that is the main thing people look at, then I suppose they get what they deserve, even if the other person turns out to be a crack addict beneath all the money, which believe me, has happened before.
Wanting a particular car is one thing. But if that is all your life revolves around, then I don't think that's compatible with being a moral person. And no, not all moral people are poor either. But there needs to be a balance, which I think competition for million dollar houses in Boca Raton florida is anything but balanced.
But fact of the matter is when materialism has pervaded our culture to the extent that it has, you’re going to see an effect on both arranged and love marriages.