incident after BIL's wedding

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hi everyone,

My brother-in-law (husband’s brother) recently got married and I’m really upset about a particular incident that happened a few days after the wedding. I need some advice on what to do.

First, a little background (it’s long!):

My BIL’s recently got married. His wife and I were close friends before even my husband and I got married, and on our wedding she gave me a nice gold ring (worth about $250) and my husband a nice coat. When her and my BIL’s wedding was finalized, I instantly became preoccupied about what to get them. The wedding was going be held in Pak, as that is where my in-laws live. My in-laws are going through a rough financial time; my FIL is gravely, terminally ill and his treatment has drained a lot of the family’s expenses. My husband and I contributed to the wedding costs quite a bit, sending about $17,000 for the wedding expenses out of our student loan money (we are still grad students) In addition to this, I wanted to get her a nice gift because she’s been such a good friend to me over the years, and because she gave me such a nice gift on my own wedding. I was thinking of a gold bracelet, even though it’s way out of our price range and gold has gotten so expensive since I got married. My husband, MIL, and BIL insisted that I not get her anything. They were mindful of our financial situation and would rather we use the money to contribute to the wedding. So instead of buying one nice, huge gift, I bought her some nice smaller gifts. The in-laws also got her a bari, so I just added my items to that. Mind you, I still agonized over this and kept going back and forth about whether this was ‘enough’, but I figured that since I had spent so much on making her actual wedding nice, things would work out fine. I assumed that she would have some idea about the financial situation of my in-laws and my husband and I, and that my BIL would have discussed these things with her. Unfortunately, everyone in my in-laws is pretty formal with one another, and they don’t discuss money issues openly (at least not with the bahus). So not everybody knows who is paying for stuff.

I flew to Pak for the wedding. A day or two after the wedding, I could tell things were not fine. My SIL seemed disappointed with her bari and with the gifts she had gotten. Then, she actually confronted me about how little I had given her on her wedding. She told me flat out that it was my duty to give her more than I had given her, and that she was disappointed. I just blanked and didn’t say anything, I think I mumbled something and turned away. I was in shock. I was also hurt, humiliated, and angry. It’s clear to me that she has no idea how much money my husband and I have spent on her wedding, and I’m not sure she would care even if she did know. I think she would still think I should have gotten her a nicer gift. I’m also too embarrassed to tell her that I spent money on her wedding, because I think it’s kind of a cheap thing to say, and I wouldn’t even know how to start that convo (I’m very non-confrontational).

I am so pissed off at my husband, my in-laws, my BIL, and my SIL. I’m pissed off at my husband, MIL, and BIL for talking me out of buying a nicer gift, I’m pissed at my SIL for acting like such a selfish *****, and I’m pissed off at myself for not trusting my instincts. Honestly, I would much rather spend more money then be embarrassed like that. I want to just buy her a gift and throw it in her face, but I’m not sure that would put me in her good graces. Also, I never bought my nanaan anything after my wedding as my family didn’t give my in-laws any gold gifts, however my nanaan gifted me with a gold set. So, I’m kind of ‘in the red’ with my nanaan. If I buy my devraani a gold jewelry item, I’m afraid my nanaan will get pissed off that I’ve never bought her anything. That means I would have to get at least two sets of the exact same thing.

So: What should I do? Should I just pretend like I didn’t hear anything and wait for the next chance to buy my devraani a gift? Should I just buy something now and pretend like it was at the jeweler’s this entire time? How stupid/rude was it of me to not get her a nice, proper gift? Am I in the wrong or is she? Or is it everybody’s fault for their lack of communication and sensitivity?

2

I don't think ur in the wrong at all. Your BIL should have spoken to his wife about the finances, IMO. I agree it's kinda weird to say "hey i contributed x amount on ur wedding"...but that's if i didn't know my SIL well enough or whatever...I you are as close as you say....just talk to her straight and explain the situation. I wouldn't feel weird about if it was my close friend. Don't try to make it sound like you did her a favor...just explain the situation straight.

3

You know I would say that you should've bought her a nicer gift. Contributed 1500 instead of 1700 on the wedding expenses but had gotten a nicer gift. But now that's done, you should tell your devarani about the whole thing without blaming anyone. Like you wanted to get her something nicer bit since the in laws are having financial difficulties, you contributed towards the wedding. It was more important to have a nicer wedding.

4

Re: incident after BIL's wedding

You spent $17,000 on her wedding?? WHATTT.

I think you need to tell her this so she stops being so ungrateful. If you don't tell her because you feel so uncomfortable talking about money, she will ALWAYS make out like you were kanjoos.
Tell her. say it nicely, but say everything to her that you have written here.

If she still throws it in your face and doesn't understand, then she is just a very silly and ungrateful person.

5

Re: incident after BIL's wedding

I don't think it's your inlaws fault, they did the right thing considering their situation imo.. Why spend so much on gifts when money is needed for other more important things??

Your 'friend' has an attitude and needs to grow up.. You should not be indulging her or feeling you need to buy her stuff to keep her happy..

You thinking you should have spent more when money is already tight and you've given 17k is a bit disturbing (as well as the comment about giving more rather than ending up feeling 'embarrassed')..

6

Re: incident after BIL's wedding

stopped reading at $17000 from student loans.

just blame yourself.

7

First of all I am shocked that you spent $17000 from your student loan to spend on your bil's wedding. Hats off to you, but honestly, I don't call it a wise financial decision.

And then you stopped yourself from spending another $250! Now that was not wise either.

In any case, your Bil should talk to his wife abd clarify things to her.

8

Re: incident after BIL's wedding

i also have a trouble relation with my SIL, but for other diff reasons. The worst part is that i struggle to try to be her friend, and talk to her as much and i can.... but sometimes she don't even look to my face, i fell like i am a piece of furniture.... well, may be one day i will open a threat about that

About your case, i think that if she is really your friend, she shouldn't act like this selfish b****. Even if you didn't gave a penny on her wedding, she should be happy and grateful just for the fact that you flew there for her wedding. And if she still wanted a gift from you, she got it. Gifts are gifts, it doesn't matter how much it cost, or how big/small it was, it all matters is that you put your thoughts, feelings and love on it. It really really a shame that she didn't appreciate that.

Sorry to say, but desi people (specially gals) have a big issue about money, how much stuff cost, and all that..... but what it really matter is life is love, and true feelings.... well, hope she learn a lesson at some point in her life.

9

Re: incident after BIL's wedding

My (soon to be ex) sil rang up my brother and demanded more gold right before their wedding.. the same day my dad's brother had died..

If my other half had done that I'd have straight out said "is it me you want or the gold/money?"

Don't know what is wrong with some ppl..

10

Re: incident after BIL's wedding

People (brides/grooms/families/friends/etc) go a little coo-coo when it's wedding time. They become sensitive to what others say and twist up their priorities. She didn't accept the gift graciously, as she should have. Someone may have said something to her that embarrassed her and she took out her disappointment in you.

If you feel comfortable being straightforward with her about the expenses, go for it. Otherwise, perhaps BIL should be explaining (like with an offhand comment like, "the wedding went so great. it couldn't have happened without bhai/bhabi's help" or something like that.).

I hope you and she can move past this.

11

Re: incident after BIL's wedding

Let's not fool ourselves into thinking that ANYONE was mindful of your financial situation (including you). I'm disgusted by the fact that you & your husband agreed to spend $17,000 from you student LOANS on a wedding! I find it even worse that your BIL, the one who is supposedly ready to take on the responsibility of a family, was ok with it. By the time you're at $17,000…….$250 is nothing at that point.

1) Important life lesson for you: Never ASSUME anything & leave it at that. Ask and confirm that your assumption is true.

2) You already knew that your in-laws are formal w/ one another & don't discuss money matters openly. So I have no idea what led you to believe that your BIL would openly discuss money matters with his fiancé.

3) You wrote you were "close friends" with this girl since even before you got married to your husband. I think it was stupid/rude of you not to discuss this situation with her. YOU, as her "close friend", should have picked up the phone and openly told her exactly what was happening. Yet you chose to be a coward and stayed silent, hoping that BIL or someone else would tell her. Even now, you're talking about buying a gift and throwing it in her face…….yet not once are you considering that option of simply talking to her! Why are you so formal with a woman who has been your close friend since before your own marriage?

12

Re: incident after BIL’s wedding

Yea…I tuned out after the $17,000 from student loans bit also :chai:

This is what happens when people don’t realize that the wedding is just a party but a marriage is real life

13

Re: incident after BIL's wedding

I would think that "close friends" would feel comfortable sharing details about finances.....especially if the situation is so dire.

14

Re: incident after BIL's wedding

I think you should meet her for coffee, get a small gift- perhaps not too expensive, and tell her casually that you spent a large amount for her wedding. Nothin' wrong to indulge that. If you dont tell her, you will be bad, kanjoos, unthoughtful etc in her eyes forever.

15

Re: incident after BIL's wedding

Couldn't agree more!!!! Most pakistani girls dream about their wedding party (not a problem at all on that) but forget that marriage life really starts after the wedding party. There are more things to worry about than this stupid money issues.... She should be thoughtful about starting her married life without any debt (coz of the parties) and with a good relation with her IL family, instead of picking on small issues...

16

Re: incident after BIL’s wedding

Given that she married into a family that has no problem using $17,000 out of student loans to pay for a wedding they can’t afford, I’d say it’s just a matter of time before she/her husband get themselves into debt. Going into debt in order to save face in the community seems to be a acceptable thing in this family…from parents to kids. :chai:

17

Re: incident after BIL's wedding

Write her a non confrontational email and tell her what u spent and the gifts that u got he run the Bari. Tell her why this information was not shared earlier (out of respect for ur in-laws financial situation) and let her be embarrassed for a change.

18

Re: incident after BIL's wedding

Damn, $17,000 is from your part, so the total cost would be more than that. Give me that $17k and I'll show you how to marry two times in the same amount :D

19

Re: incident after BIL's wedding

It was very low of your friend/deverani to make a huge issue on gifts and insult you. You don't need to be mad at in laws, your husband, or yourself. Be mad at for be so ungrateful and selfish.

You don't need to send her anything more then what you have already gift her.

If I were you, I would keep a distance from her.

20

incident after BIL's wedding

Firstly dont even buy or spend a single penny on her now! You guys used your student loan.?! How are you coping then? Next time she moans just say to her clearly you helped financially and if she cnt appreciate that then no gift is ever going to please her. Keep your distance from her and dont stress yourself.! SHE needs to grow up and your BIL needs to man up! And tell his wife himself what the financial sito is.