I definitely know there are tales of people fooling around with the SIL or BIL. And with those situations one can at least imagine it happening. One can see that the ages would be roundabout the same and hence if they see any behaviour which can be viewed as flirtation, one easily deems it inappropriate.
What of the behaviour of elder relatives? Where you do not expect to face this situation? At a recent function, a trusted aunt was relating a new phenonmenon she had heard of, it is not a “trend” yet, not so prevalent that many have heard of such stories, perhaps because there arent many stories like that or perhaps cos it doesnt happen as often. But either way, she told of cases where the boy’s MIL and the boy were involved/having an affair.
There was a thread on here about older women marrying younger guys. I guess this situation can’t be so far fetched either, ie the MIL of the boy and the boy being involved if we consider it from that angle. Plus there are women (older) who should be called “aunty” or “mami” or “chachi” whatever, and that in itself keeps into account the relationship and respect which should be between the two people. But some women who fall into that age bracket insist that they be addressed by their first name, or more commonly, “call me Baji”
What does one do when such Bajis exhibit inappropriate behaviour, such as talking to a much younger married man in the middle of the night for hours, divulging their life’s woes to him and crying in front of him, touching his arm/holding his hand at times in public for no particular reason. Is it appropriate? Is it the first step of flirtation?
True it isn't Sara, I am putting an issue out there based on what I heard and know to be true, since the woman who related it to me is mA a very very noble woman. I am putting it out here for discussion.
It is a difficult issue to behold and even more difficult to talk about. But as with every social evil and disease,** awareness of an issue is the first step, then we can move onto possible ways to tackle it.
**
So I am here, creating awareness, and asking for opinions of people on the issue as to
what they think of it,
whether they can actually believe it can happen,
and suppose it does, suppose, by the farthest stretches of your imagination that it does happen perhaps just with one person out there,
**
how does she go about tackling it** in the face of a society which on the whole will reject the idea completely and tell instead the poor wife that you are crazy and have a dirty mind should she *ever *get the courage to mention it to someone in hopes of solving it?
Everyone needs to be sleeping around...with their spouses. All the problems arise IMO when sex is gone from the relationship. It isnt there to be done just to be make babies, or to be done during the first year. People get married so they can have sex lawfully. So why the heck in our desi cultures it's so taboo to share an intimate moment with your own spouse your entire life? And that's why you get dumb ass problems like the ones that OP posted about.
BTW...I am no expert, but I am not talking about molestations and sexual abuse. Those sickos are sickos. Period.
Agreed! Desi culture makes sex such a taboo. Spouses should be intimate throughout, not for the sole purpose of baby making. And should feel free to discuss needs/desires with each other.
So how do ye know whether couples are intimate with each other or not? Did you have a chat with them about how much action they're getting after x years of marriage and x amount of babies? I think making babies after a certain age is considered a taboo in the desi culture but not sex. Do anything you want with your spouse behind closed doors. And adultery isn't justified whether the couple is intimate with each other or not. Either get a divorce and then do whatever you want or be faithful to your partner and keep it in your pants. As for all this talk of incest...... gross!!
So how do ye know whether couples are intimate with each other or not? Did you have a chat with them about how much action they're getting after x years of marriage and x amount of babies? I think making babies after a certain age is considered a taboo in the desi culture but not sex. Do anything you want with your spouse behind closed doors. And adultery isn't justified whether the couple is intimate with each other or not. Either get a divorce and then do whatever you want or be faithful to your partner and keep it in your pants. As for all this talk of incest...... gross!!
If you've sat down among desis enough, it becomes evident very clearly how often a person has sex. If a couple doesn't even sleep with each other, and instead slumbers in different rooms, then you can easily draw out a conclusion that they aren't being intimate with each other. Aunties haw and hai if a couple dare hold hands in front of them, they are equally haw and hai if the name of intimacy comes up front.
If you've sat down among desis enough, it becomes evident very clearly how often a person has sex. If a couple doesn't even sleep with each other, and instead slumbers in different rooms, then you can easily draw out a conclusion that they aren't being intimate with each other. Aunties haw and hai if a couple dare hold hands in front of them, they are equally haw and hai if the name of intimacy comes up front.
But why would a couple let it become evident to the outsiders as to how intimate they are behind closed doors? If you didn't think they were having sex, could it not be because they didn't want to in the presence of others in the house?
But why would a couple let it become evident to the outsiders as to how intimate they are behind closed doors? If you didn't think they were having sex, could it not be because they didn't want to in the presence of others in the house?
Anyone who's having sex in the prescense of guests is a weirdo. And I am not talking about that. But you're assuming the world's a rosy place and what is granted to us is being utilized. Well welcome to the real world, that's not how it works. There are plenty of enough examples outside of one's little bubble of how things DON'T work. You're arguing that everyone's doing it with their spouse like bunnies. Are you then denying that problems like the OP mentioned don't occur at all? I am not saying that it is an epidemic but there are issues like that. There are issues of infidelity, of second or third marriages, of haram activities, and I am saying that's DEFINITELY happening because one isn't doing what is deemed by Allah halal. Just because you or I are sitting in the west with a limited number of desis around us, doesn't mean that the rest of the world doesn't exist. It does, and what is happening in the desi world, home world, the thoughts and view points is also prevalent and is also seeping into the western desi population.
To clarify, the question posed, is inappropriate behaviour and what qualifies as such at a basic level. Is it inappropriate even when there is a 15+ year age difference between the two and technically the woman in question falls into the category of "aunt". I am excluding asking about Uncles who are like this because that is seen more commonly in society and no uncle really says "call me by my first name". That is easily recognisable as inappropriate behaviour. When its an older female what does? I am not asking about the extreme of actual sleeping around.
You're arguing that everyone's doing it with their spouse like bunnies.
Am I?
Are you then denying that problems like the OP mentioned don't occur at all? .
Did I?
I am not saying that it is an epidemic but there are issues like that.
Now this is a better way of saying it than what you said in your initial post.
Why do I get the feeling that you're being defensive when I didn't even disagree with you? All I'm saying is how do we know whether they are or they aren't? These issues certainly exist not only among desis but among the goras and the kaalas and the greens and the yellows too.
There are issues of infidelity, of second or third marriages, of haram activities, and I am saying that's DEFINITELY happening because one isn't doing what is deemed by Allah halal.
As a wise man once said, show me a beautiful woman and I'll show you a man who's tried of ******* her. What you're saying may be one reason but not the sole reason of adultery.
My husband's neice fed him on a public street in front of other people and her own husband. She is almost the same age as me, her husband looked away and I was lost at words. I think thats inappropriate closseness. she wanted him to eat out of the same plate too, forget the inlaws who are not even related to you (by the way thats disgusting too)
Are there any situations anyone has come across, or heard of, or witnessed where they felt inappropriate behaviour was being practiced by older females who ought to know better that certain things look and ARE inappropriate?
I definitely know there are tales of people fooling around with the SIL or BIL. And with those situations one can at least imagine it happening. One can see that the ages would be roundabout the same and hence if they see any behaviour which can be viewed as flirtation, one easily deems it inappropriate.
What of the behaviour of elder relatives? Where you do not expect to face this situation? At a recent function, a trusted aunt was relating a new phenonmenon she had heard of, it is not a "trend" yet, not so prevalent that many have heard of such stories, perhaps because there arent many stories like that or perhaps cos it doesnt happen as often. But either way, she told of cases where the boy's MIL and the boy were involved/having an affair.
There was a thread on here about older women marrying younger guys. I guess this situation can't be so far fetched either, ie the MIL of the boy and the boy being involved if we consider it from that angle. Plus there are women (older) who should be called "aunty" or "mami" or "chachi" whatever, and that in itself keeps into account the relationship and respect which should be between the two people. But some women who fall into that age bracket insist that they be addressed by their first name, or more commonly, "call me Baji"
What does one do when such Bajis exhibit inappropriate behaviour, such as talking to a much younger married man in the middle of the night for hours, divulging their life's woes to him and crying in front of him, touching his arm/holding his hand at times in public for no particular reason. Is it appropriate? Is it the first step of flirtation?
Such bajis are dangerous.
But why do men put themselves in the position to become a savior and a hero?
What's happening as you stated above, is a result of people letting go of their basic value system. I don't want to bring in religion here. Yes we all know that not all marriages are hunky dorey and all that, but these weird things happen because people allow themselves to get carried away.
Thank you Niksik for actually reading the post and answering what I have asked, rather than presuming something else.
Another part of my question was that suppose the "Baji"in question is a close relative of the guy/girl. The wife is in a very awkward position then isn't she? She speaks against her and shes speaking against either his family or hers, when people get defensive they can say the worst things. Then the wife is in for it.
I completely agree that people should know their limitations. If the "baji" isn't realising hers, the boy should see that certain actions are inappropriate.
What should be done though? If the answer is that "Im doing it since shes my/your relative I cant be rude with her can I?" What is to be done?
And let me add that I feel that no woman should confide her woes to a man other than her husband/brother/father. Because when confiding woes and crying, she already is in a weak emotional state and that can lead to her forming attachment to whoever her "saviour" is. She should turn to her own husband/brother/father for a shoulder to cry on.