In Shock...What has this world come to?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Salams guppies…

We have these neighbors back in Pakistan. The uncle is a lawyer and his wife owns a boutique. He is about in his late 50’ or early 60’s. They’ve got four children, all are married, and they have grandkids from the first two children. His younger brother and family are also our neighbors and his married sons also live right there.

Well, last year we found out that this uncle was having an affair with his secretary. His wife was completely shatterred and she used to come and cry and cry in our house to my mom, but that uncle was completely cold and didn’t care about her.

And today, I got the shock of my life. I mean, this uncle, we have seen him since we were little kids, and we used to play with his children since we were kids. They’re our neighbors. Today my mother just emailed and told me this:

*you know mr.-------, --------'s father? he married a second time
now and is living somewhere outside home. he had already left the family sometime before marrying and then he dropped in on the first of jan. to tell them that he`s married someone. *

I can’t believe this!!! I am just really shocked and disgusted.

:frowning:

2

Very sad magar hota hai hota hai asa behi hoota hai....

3

thanks for the reply dilsay…

i just feel SO BAD for his wife and kids… :frowning: :teary3:

specially his wife, un bechari ki toh zindagi hi barbaad ho gayi na…

i wonder what he was thinking and what was going thru his mind that he tooko such a step…

its so sad and cruel :frowning: :teary3:

4

So did he actually marry the secretary he was having the affair with or someone else?

5

Shahreen, I'm not sure...I'm gonna ask my mom when I speak to her next...

6

Irem, why is this so cruel? Maybe this person was in love / not happily married / Didn't want to spend rest of his life with his wife. There could be so many reasons.

You're feeling sad for his wife, cuz she's not happy. Would you have felt the same for your Uncle had he come to your house and cried? Obviously he wasn't happy with his marriage either. It's sad for his wife as she's so old and didn't need to go through all that at this age. Kids are all grown up they can and probably will just move on.

He's allowed to re-marry religiously and legally so what's so disgusting about this?

Waise tau I wouldn't have liked to be in his wife's situation either, just throwing in a few questions.

It's just that you wouldn't want the right to deny ppl their happiness, as they'd had the same right over you.

7

Sabah,

You know, I sent this post to one of my friends as well, and she was telling me the same thing as you, that if he is 'happy' he has every right to do this etc etc, and that he probably was not happy in his family life. I had a lonngggggg debate with her on this topic too...

Anyways, personally I believe that after a basic level of physical comfort happiness is a state of mind and a person needs to find happiness in himself, happiness is not a consequence of circumstances.

Infact this whole 'happiness' thing is grossly overrated.

Do you honestly think that he is going to remain 'happy' and content after this marriage...knowing how much unhappiness he has caused to his ex-wife and kids...and how many people disapprove of his actions. As for his kids, they will never get over it, aisi baatein insaan bhool naheen sakta.

Also, I think that if a person is surrounded by family members who care for him, has a comfortable living, and duniya kee har cheez moasar ho..lekin phir bhee he is unhappy, then the problem definitely does not lie in his hallaat, he is just doing nashukri.

And even if the person is unhappy, is it still okay for the person to cause so much unhappiness to others and do something that he thinks will make him happy?

The reason I felt sorry for his wife was not because she was unhappy but because she was wronged in my opinion, and if he had come and cried, I would have just told him, nashukri achee baat naheen.

Also imho there is a certain wisdom in conforming to societal norms and boundaries, werna insaan kee aanay waali naslon ko virse mein zillat hi milti hae...

BTW, I think religiously he is not allowed to marry till he gets permission from his first wife.

Khayr, I know I have no right to judge him and only Allah knows the real truth behind everything. And in fact shayad mein un kee jagah hoti toh aisa ker sakti thee who knows, Allah hi jaanta hae....

Its just sad though that such an event happenned....

8

BTW sabah, my friend was saying this too and you seem to have put across this message as well...that if this person was unhappy in his marriage, he had the right to just walk away like this.
I don't think that's right though. He is not just an individual cut off from the rest of the world. he is a father, husband, grand father, member of community etc etc. His life is no more entirely his own and he has certain duties towards his family members. His existence is not an individual, solitary, isolated one but he exists as a unit, a part of his family. He can't just walk away like that - i think thats very very wrong, if not for any other reason then simply because its very selfish and inconsiderate...

Khayr, i am just judging this situation from a superficial level without even knowing much...

Allah o Alim

9

<<Anyways, personally I believe that after a basic level of physical comfort happiness is a state of mind and a person needs to find happiness in himself, happiness is not a consequence of circumstances. <<

Interesting, could you please elaborate?

<>

He could be dead tomorrow for all we know, I honestly believe that you should be satisfied with yourself and your life before you die, ba'd ki ba'd meiN. I'm not advocating him, what I'm saying is that this individual deserves to be happy and satisfied with this life, unless he believes in re-incarnations. Whatever society thinks of him is really not his problem. HaaN his kids are, and if they see their father happy tau they should understand, else it's sad but understandable especially if their mother is not happy. As for her, it's equally bad if she knows that she's living with a man who doesn't want to be with her. It's not just about having someone you can sit with or cry for, the man is not there emotionally. Of course one can argue whether you should allow your self to cross the limit in that age and social pressure, you can also argue whether he can allow him self a happier life regardless of how long that feeling may last.

If his feeling are shallow tau so are his wife's and the social pressure.
If she had known about his affair and she wanted to live rest of her live with him, she should have fought for him. It's not enough to watch from sideline and cry over the outcome. What did she expect that he's going through a phase and it'll just end?

No one is blaming his halaat, he could be a king yet be dead unhappy. To be loved is a bliss lekin sometimes you want to love as well. Too bad that he has lost one great thing to get the other.

Again it's sad for the first wife, she probably didn't deserve this, no one should be unhappy but that's not possible. Those of us who can 'fight' for what we want will definitely get it.

As for being a unit tau, that is his call he probably see him self as an individual. As for his duties, tau his kids are all grown up, married. What else do you expect him to do for them? Maybe he didn't walk away before as he wanted to fulfill his duties towards his kids, and now that they're mature he can move on and live his life?

Dunno to me it seems that you're saying ke if he had just left tau that'd have been fine, now that you know he's moved on, re-married and is probably happy and his first is not you're blaming him for that, and nothing more. Rest are just excuses for keeping him trapped in a sad relationship. Had he died unhappy I'm sure same society and kids would have been crying their eyes out as their father had lived such a sad life.

Religiously I'm sure he doesn't need his first wife's permission. Religiously he's done nothing wrong.

You can judge ppl all you want but you can not tell ppl when they can or should be happy and satisfied, that is very unique and individual feeling.

10

I tell ya, Viagra has it's side-effects. It can also ruin long lasting marriages.

11

Ya ya its Viagra fault now - :)

Well, there can be several reasons. But u know sometimes u have to take the things as they appear. So dont be sad, be happy. I dont know what is the fun having two wives. Ek say guzara mushkil hay - do nah baba ji meree tobah.

12

Irem, that is sad..but you know something?...there probably is more to the story than meets the eye. Was the first marriage working out or were the husband and wife on two totally differnt wavelengths? There are alot of questions that come up. I'm not condoning the man cheating on his wife while he was still married...all I'm saying is that there might be more to this than meets the eye.

13

I also wana say that there is more to it than meets the eyes

14

well he acted within the bounds of religion didn't he.. why isn't everyone congratulating him for marrying and not carrying on an extra marital affair with that lady?? Religion sanctions it so it should be good right?? and it must also feel good to everyone right?? cuz religious sanctions are all for our good and a happy content society right??

15

PA, I would like to hear your views when your daughter's husband does this to her

16

There are many things which are permissible in religion but are not mandatory to follow like multiple marriages.. living in a Pakistani society we have obligations to others around us and our actions have far reaching consequences.. happy marriages alone dont keep persons for having extra-marital affairs.. its resposibility and care of other memebers of society that counts far above any so called happiness thing.. the shame that guy brought to his children who were married is unimaginable.. one can get away from it in western society but in east its a curse that many generations have to face..

I knew a young guy in Lahore thru a friend who had a great loving wife and 2 cute kids.. he statrted to chat with a girl at net and later on married that girl leaving the family..

17

What's so wrong with him marrying again? Good for him, if it makes him happy. His first wife should go get a divorce and married again herself; she deserves to be happy to. All this crying business is BS and detrimental to health. If you want to bring religion into it, Huzoor's wives were mostly divorcees or widows, so there's no religious injunction against getting remarried for anybody, at any age, to any age.

I know so many uncles and aunties who've remarried. Good for them, I say. As for kids, well if they're all married themselves, they have their own lives don't they? Kids should be understanding. They're likely to do those same things when they get sick of their spouses themselves.

18

:rolleyes: Jeez. It’s this type of thinking that’s doing away with decency. So u rn’t going to socialize with his kids now, is that it?

Bull. Men have right to get married 4 times without prior warning, women have right of khula on any basis. If a guy brings home another gal one day, his wife can go divorce him and find herself someone else. Nothing wrong with moving on with your life.

What’s wrong is wasting even one day wallowing in misery.

19

About the only thing which is surprising is that it took so long for this uncle to realize that he does not want to remain married with his first wife. Then again, maybe he wanted to get out of this marriage much earlier, but waited till his kids are grown and married. In which case, I'd say the sacrifice is made by the dude.

I didn't read that he has divorced his first wife, yet. So the husband is still responsible to support the first wife. Plus he moved out of the home, so she is not exactly out on the roads or anything.

There are a couple of options for the first wife. She can chose to carry on. At this age, she should have a fair bit of social circle where she can lean for emotional support, plus she has her grown up kids, who no doubt will support her. Although unlikely at this age, but she can chose to get a divorce and marry someone else.

Separation or divorce is always a sad thing. No denying that. Especially after such a long period of togetherness with so many happy memories. Ideally we'd want all couples to grow old together and die close to each other. Unfortunately the ideal does not always hold true and in some cases, just being together does not mean the people are happy. We only get one chance to live a life.

20

Its really sad..I ama lso thinking abt his wife and kids :bummer: