It’s horrible. I didn’t want to admit to myself. But there is a little creature in our house. It hunts, it searches and consumes its prey. The prey is always the same, pink, sparkly, Disney and Princess. This ravenous creature has an appetite that is never satisfied. It wants more and more until there is no more room left in the closet and toy bins. Old dolls are strewn like carcasses as she searches for more, newer, shinier dolls. This little creature has started screeching and stomping. She claims she is “The Boss”. This is when her priveleges are taken away and the creature apologizes.
This creature is Safia my eldest daughter, now almost 4. She is showered with gifts constantly. Occasionally from me and her dad. But mostly from her Dadi. Now Safia expects to have things purchased for her all the time. The scary thing is I think she’s starting to associate material things with love. Dadi has told her that because she loves her she buys her lots of things. And the reverse if she’s naughty she won’t buy anything for her. Dadi has had this relationship with her own kids, giving material things as a show of love. She herself has once questioned me that because my mother didn’t buy me a china set for my shaadi, did my mother not love me? That hurt but it was very telling of her nature. She has such an ingrained belief about material things. Growing up not very well off in Pakistan is probably the reason that she is now so materialistic.
But my concern is with Safia. I know every kid sees a commercial and wants the newest Barbie. My response is always, “Yes Safia, I’ll put it on your birthday list.” Sometimes I use the promise of a new toy as a motivation for her good behavior, as a reward. Often that plan is sabatoged by Dadi who buys that toy plus a few more. So she’s being rewarded for her bad behavior and with no consequences. My fear is that we’re raising a child who might grow up to believe that she can do and have whatever she wants with this whiny, crying or manipulative behavior. It hasn’t really come to that yet but God forbid. Yesterday she proclaimed herself “King”. So I’m probably going have to call in the Supernanny. Anyone have suggestions or similar experiences?
I recently read the book with the title potty training for Yale, and it is written by a father who thinks that parents sometimes take their responsibility too seriously. It is a humorous attempt to make a point that it is good to be concerned and be involved in child raring but not to over do it. Most often kids follow up on their parents on what is important in life and what is not and as long as parents keep presenting their point of view and follow it with their own example, children almost always follow their parent’s behavior.
My parents lived with me and trust me every time I would be disciplining Misbah, she would look to her grandparents for solace and it’s really hard to manage and at times very frustrating. I talked to my parents about it but old people are even harder to get through than children. I try not to take it too seriously because I believe Misbah has a lot of growing up to do and I will have plenty of time to influence her.
One thing I would like to do when she grows up a little will be to make a point that; from her wish list, she has to give one of her favorite toys to someone else who is less fortunate. Giving to Salvation Army, Angel trees etc. So she understands that while it feels good to have a toy, it feels even better to give it away to make others happy. I don’t think she will take it up the very first time but I hope that eventually the happiness of giving will grow on her.
it's your house.. take control.. talk to hubby and make sure all presents to kids go through parents who approve if the kid's supposed to have them.. It shouldn't bother anyone as Parents are ultimately responsible for bringing their kids up whatever way they like..
Ask Dadi to stop playing around with toys.. if she's really serious and does love her granddaugher, open a college fund in her name.
I was listening to a radio program once and this expert said that other than occasions (eid, christmas, birthdays) all gifts to children should come as a reward of something and not with out such a reason. That builds the do-good sense in children.
Have you thought of rationing the toys that she gets? If someone brings a gift, perhaps you could put it away for another day. It might be a good idea to talk to the gift givers and explain what you are trying to instill in Safia.
This is not really related to the topic, but I thought I'd suggest it as a way of controlling the number of toys in your house. I was watching Nanny 911 and in one episode, Nanny Deb convinces the kids that they have too many toys and that it would be nice if they could donate some of the toys that they do not play with to charity. She also created the one-in one-out rule. If a new toy comes into the house, one toy must be given away.
I consider the idea that good behavior results in good rewards on an annual basis ok for kids who can’t understand the value of goodness, but for kids old enough (kindergarten/1st grade + ) should be reasoned with. Often people underestimate kids and consider them too young to understand complex ideas but kids these days are way ahead of the game.
Ahmadjee and Hinna I agree that giving toys to charity is a good thing to do. The one in and one out routine is easier said than done. I sort through her stuff and tell her that there's kids who have no toys and they need some too. Once she asked, "Their mom and dads don't buy toys for them because they don't love them and now they're sad?" So I am telling her that toys are fun but we love her all the time. Toys don't mean love.
We do have a college fund set up for her. I guess I feel like this is my one chance to raise her right. I don't want to give her a complex and I don't want to spoil her either. I hopes she lives by our, her parents' example.
I've also read a study that said that reward for good behavior actually results in kids who learn to manipulate. They will do anything to get what they want but don't necessarily learn values. So that kind of screwed up my plan and made me a bit confused.
Dont buy toys or let people buy toys for your child, instead get books and or puzzles, clothes. Educational things are better than toys. That is what I am doing with my daughter. Also, I only buy her things close to Eid and her birthday. Baas.
No other times of the year. Mine is only 3 and I am trying to get her to understand that gifts are only given when deserved. I know it sounds harsh but trust me, it is working. At least, in our home.
Aisha, when Safia gets to school age and she has some reasoning of her own then ofcourse we'll do what we can for her. But for now I feel like whatever I do, I'm shaping her mind and her concept of the world.
Diva, I understand what you're saying, but I can't control what other people buy for her. She gets dvds, clothes, books, stickers, candy, shoes, games, educational electronic toys too. I did speak with my father-in-law however on our last visit with them. He agreed with me that too many gifts are spoiling her. Dadi says to Safia, "If I buy you this will you be a good girl?" Ofcourse she'll say yes. Then she goes back to her tantrums after she gets the gift.
your kid-nee needs to get out and about more. she'll form her concepts soon enuff.
how much time do u actually spend with her? get rid of dolls and tat and play with her. make believe make a kite make roti hop skip dance whatever. take time out and play. she'll learn. best part is u won't have to say much neither.
We spoiled my little bro a lot when he was little...esp. my father. As he grew older he noticed that he used to get wotever he wanted, and on his own started to look for small, cute ways of trying to "earn" money from us all. I think he felt a little embarrassed. He now will say, "don't buy that for me, i don't wanna be spoiled"!
I think it's natural for grandparents to spoil their grandkids...that's y they r the "good guys" hehe, and parental figures tend to look like "baddies"...If she hasn't reached school-age yet, i don't think u shud worry too much...she may pick up on this herself as she gets older. But try talking to ur m-i-l, even though i doubt she wud listen...wot does ur husband think about all this, has he tried talking to his mum? I do agree though, it' s not bad to try to teach her now...just don't push her too much...she may just be too young to understand the value of things just yet....and sometimes when she throws a tantrum, it's better just to be firm and tell her she can't have it...good luck :)
If your 4 year old child wants to play with a knife, do you just let her do it? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m going to assume that you take the knife away from her and make sure she can’t get to it right?
Saima, you’re right. You can not control what other people buy for your daughter. BUT, as the MOTHER of a FOUR year old CHILD, you have complete control over what the CHILD has access to.
When I was little, my grandparents, uncles etc. also used to give me lots of toys. Most of my relatives travel to other countries on a regular basis and they always used to bring me fancy toys(BTW I grew up back home). They would give me the toys, and afterward my mother would take it away and lock it up somewhere. No matter how many times I cried or threw tantrums, my parents never gave in. And of course, not having any kind of physical or visual access to the material gifts, being a child after a while I would simply forget about them. Years later I asked my mom what she did with all those “gifts” she told me that she donated all the toys that she thought I didn’t need. My parents did the same thing with my 2 younger sisters too.
To be totally honest some of your comments kind of scare me. If you can’t control what your daughter has access to at the tender of of FOUR, what’re you going to do when she becomes a teenager??
One thing I’m curious about…unless I missed it, you haven’t mentioned anything about your husband so far. Have you discussed your concerns with your husband? If so, what does he say about all this?
Very interesting topic. All of the advice given so far sound good but I especially agree with lost because it's true that you cannot control what others give your child but you can control your child's access to it. You can tell Safia that she will only get to play with her new toys if she behaves and if she misbehaves, the toy will be taken away from her.
Im not a mother but i have noticed that accross all cultures grandparents do like to spoil their grandkids- more spending and liberty than for their own children.
I think that talking to your husband should help open the way to talks with the inlaw grandparents. Im sure you can reach a resolution on the number and amount of gifts your girl gets inshallah.
Saima, I don't know about your husband, but if I had a little girl, I'd be spoiling her rotten... she'd have that bloody tiara if she wanted one, hell I'd buy her a pony. I just love little girls, they are the most adorable creatures on Earth, next to kittens. It's a good thing we don't have kids, my wife would be out on some forum complaining about me too... heh heh
Well my husband melts when Safia is her usual sweet self. She really is a good kid. That's why this new behavior is worrying me because I can see how she's beginning to change. My husband is strict with her in the sense that he immediately corrects her and disciplines her. We both don't tolerate bratty behavior. But she knows she's loved.
I don't think hiding random toys will have any affect on her. She has a closet full of toys and access to play freely with what she wants. But she usually chooses only her current favorites. When she misbehaves however, I do take away a Barbie for each 'naughty' time and hide it. I give her warnings and if she still doesn't listen then the doll is put away. She is aware of it and she sees me do it. Whenever she sees a commercial is on for a new toy, she asks to have it. I know she'll forget about it eventually unless she really loves it. Then I tell her to put it on her birthday list.
Sooraj. I have talked with my fil about this. On our last visit with them, my mil was witnessing Safia's behavior and said, "You have to be good, then I'll buy you such and such things." So essentially she was being rewarded for tantrums and crying. I talked to my fil about it and he agreed Dadi should slow down with her gift giving. And that Safia may become spoiled and grow up with the wrong beliefs. I realize that my mil has a 'problem' with shopping. She goes way overboard. Safia had so many summer clothes from her that she didn't wear half of them. I packed it all away in the closet.
aahmed, lol, just wait till your daughter asks for a car. That's next after the pony. I don't think I'm complaining. Well sorta, but i"m also concerned. There's this book called, 'I Refuse to Raise a Brat'. I think I'd better read that. Safia is definitely headstrong and becoming independent. I don't want to crush her spirit. I want her to grow up confident and secure. I'm going to keep on praying.
just a couple of ideas from someone who has no kids or a mother in law
perhaps you need to have a good old chat with the GrandMa before you work on the child
take any gifts she brings and lock them awayin a cupboard (if you can) and say that you dont want to spoil your little girl...and tell her you'll pass on the gift at an appropriate time.
OR
if its possible
tell her that she has enough toys to play with at the moment but if she wants to give her something, put the an amount of money aside(instead of buying the gift) in a saving account ...she'll appreciate this agreat deal more when shes older
Saima, I can feel your pain, really. Watching your kid being spoiled by someone is really frustrating. Especially, when that someone is your mother in law, because you have to think twice, thrice before saying anything to her. I cant say that I have been in a similar situation. Twist the whole thing around and it was equally frustrating. My MIL used to hide toys from the kid, saying that thay dont need those toys at this age. Whenever my son received a gift from someone, or I brought something for him. The toy would vanish right from my bedroom like it never existed (whenever we went out). And whether you ask her, if she had seen that toy she'd pretend to be totally clueless. All the toy basket consisted of broken stuff, cars without wheels and toys he played with when he was a baby. As a result of frustration I'd go to the market and buy a new toy for him.
Its not that she didnt love him. According to her, she loves him more than I love him.
I dont know what was the psychology behind it. I couldnt figure it out. I talked to my husband. He said he couldnt do much, because it was her "adat". Talking to her about that matter only made things worse, because she never admitted that she was wrong. So, I totally lost hope. Until my husband found a job out of the country and we moved out.
Kids at this young age register what they see. You can talk to your daughter. She is Masha Allah 4 years old and she understands a lot of things. She'll understand. It even works with my 3 year old son. Whenever he does something bad or crying over something, I take him to the room alone and try talking to him and telling him that what he was doing was wrong, and he's a good boy who listens to his Mama. First he cries and then starts listening. :)
About your mother in law, if that is the way she raised her children, then its impossible that she'll listen to you and agree with you. You'll be wasting your energies, or maybe your relationship with your MIL.
I guess, its really hard to figure out who's the monster in the house, your kid or her dadi.