I guess you were brought up differently. If I went back to my parents house with my husband my mother will literally drag me back to my inlaws because thats where I belong now, with my husband. It doesn't mean you love them more than your parents.
You should put up with them because they're your family now, if your living with your husband does it really matter??
I'm an engaged women brought up in England but I still don't really agree with you. I don't know exactly why we have to live with our inlaws and why it isn't the other way round but I've been taught that, thats just the way it is. I have to live with my inlaws too because he's their only son and I can honestly say that it doesn't bother me. Sure, it'll take time to adjust and get used to everything but aslong as I'm with the man I love, I don't really care!
My mum always says that the first two years of marriage is tough, how long have you been married?
^ My Indian friend who grew up in Canada told me the same exact thing you are telling me before she got married. Things and her mindset are very different now.. I am not ready to change who I am for anyone. I am not going to become another statistic. I have no desire to die a good DIL like those Indian soap obsessed girls have. I am good enough for my husband and he likes the little firecracker I am. I am just tired of pretending to like everything here. I have said a lot of things to his mother politely but I am not taken seriously. I don't know what else to do. It's starting to show because I am so confused and conflicted. I have no moral structure that I follow per say so it's even more difficult to DO THE RIGHT THING. I don't know what the RIGHT thing is. I was raised to just be a good person and honest person.
Well if you strongly have these feelings then I guess you have to be true to yourself. Perhaps you can tell your husband how you feel , and if he really does care about you as much as you do for him, then perhaps a way forward can be found. Its only by agreement of your husband that you can get what you want. Otherwise you need to figure out what you need to do. Are you going to be true to yourself or live a lie? Do you feel so strongly that you will put your marriage at stake? I think you have some self-exploration to do. Your feelings even if they are not widely accepted are valid for you.
:( Thanks! I have been fighting with myself the whole time. I don't really care about the word Marriage but my husband is my first priority and has always been. He knows I have sacrificed wayyy more than just my lifestyle for him. He understands very well and tries to make up for it but I feel this weird change inside me and I am not liking it. I am just incredibly irate and feel very negative now about a lot of things. I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I don't know how to stop pretending. It's like pretending to be someone else is becoming my reality. Even though my husband understands this, what would happen if it comes to a point that he loses his love and respect for me? What and who will i have done all this for? You see what i am saying..damned if i do damned if i don't..If i move out, he will resent me. If i stay here, i will resent LIFE itself- let alone just inlaws. I can compromise and become the person i have been pretending to be or be true to myself like you said and lose my husband's love possibly? I would rather pretend all my life but how do I stay sane? arghhh..
The fact that your not willing to change at all is the issue in my opinion. Everyone has to change and make comprimises in a marriage. Don't think of it as 'not being true to yourself' but more like growing up a bit?
I know many people who live with their inlaws and they are happier than ever. My cousins work too whilst living with their inlaws and they have been just fine. They also took a break from their jobs to have some kids. I think most woman (me included) would prefer to live with just their husbands but if you know it can't/won't happen you just have to get over it. I can't imagine any guy who is willing to leave his parents for his wife.
He must REALLY love you if he does that. What does your husband say about all this and how your feeling??
He is torn but doesn't want me to change either. I tell him I am sensing a change in me and that's leading us to fight and argue more everyday. He tells me he wants me to stay exactly how I am, which means pretending to be polite and happy and be perfectly ok being told how to do things his mother's way in front of my inlaws but behind doors, he wants the true me. It's difficult switching back and forth. I like talking and i talk a lot about things and intellectual stuff. They want a dumb DIL that sits there quitely and nods her head to everthing they say. I am turning into this negative, weird person that even I wouldn't want to be friends with. I understand change can be good, in my case, this change is going to result in him disliking me. If I don't change I will go nuts. If I do change, I will not know who i am or what I want. I don't even want kids anymore because I just lost the desire to have any..:S
It seems to be you are confused and struggling within yourself trying to figure out what is right or wrong. You obviously care deeply for your husband and he also cares about you although he may not be always able to show you his feelings. You have made sacrifices for your husband and he knows that. There is resentment within you. You feel negative about your situation. This resentment has been building up for some time now. This resentment is affecting your clarity of thought, it is making it difficult to communicate with your partner, it is affecting the trust within the relationship, and it is leading to rage and despair. You feel that your need for intimacy, understanding, sharing are not being met. Your expectations of what a relationship should be about are not being met. You feel that you are the one that is doing all the compromising. However your partners sees nothing wrong with the way things are, and is unwilling to change. Resentment in a relationship sooner or later will boil over and lead to its collapse.
Every marriages has issues from time to time even without your particular circumstances but people need to work on them. I would suggest that both of you go away on 2 weeks holiday and try to sort out your differences. Your resentment will put a big strain on your relationship if it is not dealt with. Your partner does need to be more responsive to your needs and feelings. Your feelings are valid for you and you shouldn't feel guilty about having them.
^You summed it up pretty well. It seems like my only option is to wait it out and quit being so negative about my situation, it could always be worse. Thank you all for your support! I will surely return if I need further advice from complete strangers, lol.
You've mentioned a few times that you don't want to change and don't want to compromise who you are. Can you be more specific about what about your identity you feel is threatened by sharing a home with your inlaws?
Well Theorist. I would like to wish best of wishes in solving your problems and may Allah help you through this. I think, you are in very complicated situation but let me tell you something. When my younger brother who lives in the same city as my parents got married earlier this year. He decided to move out, and made it clear to my parents in the begining that he will move out. My parents are very wonderful and caring. I can also relate to the fact that my mom was willing to do anything as long as my sister in law stayed with them. My mother is very sweet person and don't even say anything to anybody. My parents tried, tried and tried to pursuade my brother to live with them but my brother went his way. Let me tell you a result of this, in the beginning my parents were making my brother feel awful about it but after few months my parents gave up the persuation and everyone was happy. Secondly, my parents do not even say anything to my SIL. Alhamdulli'lah for this. So yes, result is: My brother is ALWAYS there whenever my parents need him but they live in separate apartment nearby. And my parents and sisters LOVE my SIL. There were issues and arguments between my parents and my brother ONLY and not with my SIL... but everything is going good Alhamdullilah. And how does this relate to your situation?.
Well, your husband needs to stop following culture. This imported culture from India has ruined many families. Your husband needs to grow up and make sure you feel home in your home by moving out. And lastly, since there are financial issues and may be since you're the one who mostly contribute to income then..your husband can pay rent or mortgage for the house they live in and you can take care of the expenses for your houses. This is ONLY likeable option here. That is if you want to move out. If not then, i sincerely pray that may Allah help you.
P.S: Btw do not bottle up these things, you really are going to blow up one day very bad which i hope you do not. So please talk to somebody or talk to your husband. You have a right to express yourself freely with your husband and he must respect this.
I agree with XTron in that this is no the only way for people of Pakistani descent to honor their parents and families. I live 10 minutes from my parents and from my inlaws. When my brothers get married inshAllah, they will live independently as well, though close by, unless there is a reason to move elsewhere. My parents do not expect them to live at home (tho they are welcome too). They respect their desire to be independent and responsible.
I also know families where the boy failed to be clear with his parents and his fiance about expectations. The parents created a whole separate unit for him, so he and his wife could have some privacy. Turned out the fiance never wanted to live with his parents, but that was never stated firmly or clearly to them. Tensions were created because of this confusion.
In your situation, your husband's expectations were clear from the beginning and you chose to sacrifice your desires to be with him. I'm surprised you would choose a lifestyle so antithetical to your wishes. Your initial posts make it seem like the decision was to be a temporary one. Is that the case?
Theorist , quite honestly and in my own very humble opinion, you are putting him in a tug of war where there are no winners. If he listens to you, he will feel bad and his attitude towards you will change. If he goes in their favour, vice versa. They want to move back to Pakistan, that's a plus. Their social circle is probably there and theyve built their life there. Chances are they won't be with you always and the situation will resolve itself. If you break and show your anger before then, you will lose all the hard work and sacrifice you are personally making. It's best for you to wait it out. Perhaps get the ball rolling with encouraging a trip to Pakistan in a nice way, perhaps mentioning how you'd like to visit. The halaat aren't so bad, people are living there. It sounds worse on the news that's it. People live here, old and young alike.
Perhaps if you all make a family trip here and see that for yourself, parents themselves will insist they want to stay and will visit from time to time. I have a feeling it might resolve itself that way. Don't say "lets make a trip to pakistan so that u can see that its ok and therefore can dump your parents there"
Begin a slow campaign to visit pakistan for vacation and seeing family. And let's see how that goes.
First of all, I admire you for being very truthful and accepting your weaknesses. Most of us would never do that and blame everything on the other party.
Second, you are obviously looking for a solution. And that is good also, but unfortunately, you have very limited choices given that your husband is the only son to his parents. First clear your heart and accept that this is part of your package. Everyone has their struggles and this is yours. Then, don't put your husband in a position where he has to choose. That will be totally unfair and can lead to grudges that will settle in his heart forever. What you can do is work on getting another home where you have some sort of a separation so while you are all "together" you still have your privacy.
Why you got married to him??? Family Pressure??? other blackmailing tactics this evil Husband and MILs used on you ( to get financial support from you)
^You summed it up pretty well. It seems like my only option is to wait it out and quit being so negative about my situation, it could always be worse. Thank you all for your support! I will surely return if I need further advice from complete strangers, lol.
As an ex colleague of mine used to say...strangers are only friends that you haven't met yet. Best wishes and hope all goes well. Also you are a good person in my defintion and deserve happiness. As Nikki has pointed out you have been truthful, accepted your weaknesses and you want to do the right thing:)
My two cents are basically that you need to set some goals and work towards them slowly. You’ve only been married for a year and you cant expect him to change his entire life for you right away. Give yourselves some time to get there.
Please stop pretending to be anyone but yourself. Some people may throw stones at me for saying this but its best everyone stays exactly who they are so they can adjust. Your MIL doesnt know the real you so you cant expect her to understand who you are. Its not her fault and from what you’re saying…she is simply doing her part in her home.
Also, start taking some responsibility in the house and act like its your home. Thats the only thing that can help you stay sane…you have to make an effort to make that home yours too. It cant just be handed to you on a platter…who will do that? If your MIL had turned over the entire house to you after marriage, your thread would be about “my MIL doesnt do **** around the house and expects me to do it all”. Your MIL treats you like a child because right now you’re behaving like a school-girl. You wake up, go to work, come home and sit in your room. I did that when I was in uni. Your opinion will carry a lot more weight once you’re taken seriously and that wont happen until you take your role in that home seriously.
If you want to be treated like an adult, act like one.
Why can't I not expect to not live with us? I don't get it, why? I accept that they are part of our family but I don't want to live with them. I don't live with my parents, why should I live with them? So i should live in depression for the rest of my life even though it's my home but I need to live here like a guest? Why? I have it very easy because I work, and I don't want to spend any additional hours at home anyway. If I stayed home and did the house work and migled with the,, my story wouldn't be any different than those you hear. I am constantly watching what I say, how I say it. It's like you have guests over all the friggin' time and you can't do anything until they are gone. The difference here is they NEVER leave!
What difference does it make, your husband wants them in the house. Would you call your own parents 'guests' too if they lived with you? Would you constantly have to watch what you say with them around as well? You've already said it's your home, you've already said that you help them out financially too...so why are you living like a guest in your own house?
You hardly mingle or talk (according to you) so how are they interfering in your daily life other than just being there and cooking 'desi' food?
does your mil tell you what to do
does she restrict your going out
does she tell you dont cook this dish if you want to
depending on your answers it says how much you willing to accept.
FYI, I had a heart to heart talk with my husband about this issuE. He read everything I posted here (oops!). Anyway, turns out he has everything planned out and doesn't want me to become depressed about this issue. I just need to be patient for a few more months. He promised things will get better. He wants the same things I do but he wants things to take place naturally so it won't anyone in the process. That's really want I want too. I don't want either party to hold any grudges later on. I guess I just needed to hear it from him that he understands what I am going through. He is a sensible man and I love that about him!
Your opinion will carry a lot more weight once you’re taken seriously and that wont happen until you take your role in that home seriously.