Hello all,This is my first post here but I have been lurking around here for a while now.my situation seems to be unique so your forum hasn’t been much of a help. Anyway, I decided to post my problem since I have no idea how to handle it anymore. I am typing from my iPhone so bear with me please.I live with in laws that I support financially for the most part. I never fancied the idea but did it for the love of my husband. Anyway, they are wonderful and caring people but I am quite selfish. I don’t like this living arrangement and I never thought I would be supporting them financially. I don’t do Anyhing at home except cleaning my room and doing our laundry. My mil does everything though I have never told her to do any of it. I work, come home, eat, then go to sleep. I have been married for a year And it’s Ben the same routine. I keep our talks as short as possible because unlike what they think of me, I am quite thE opposite. I am outspoken and a very much a feminist. I don’t really like desi food or the culture and my mil is very traditional and cooks only desi stinky fOod. I am allergic to garlic, the fumes of her cooking send me into a horrible rage. I just walk out of the house because I can’t say anything to her because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I just want to live like an adult without parents for once in my life. I am in my twenties, I have a great career but I don’t know anything about running a household. I don’t want anyone to train me either. I want to experience adulthood on my own- not with my inlaws. I only know how to cook Chinese food and my inlays don’t like it. I tried cooking desi food but I hate taking instructions from anyone and his mOther won’t stop telling me to do things her way. Now I don’t want to learn how to cook desi food at all. She treats me like her daughter who is 20 and goes to school. I don want to be treAted like I child or her daughter. Anyway, I want to live alone. I have been dealing with a lot of crap that only seems to be my issue because I am an outsider for them but somehow it’s not an issue for them that I support them financially way more then my husband. Also, they seem to forget to include me in any bid family discussions. I don’t Know what’s fair or unfair. I just want my home and feel like I am married and not forced to run a family I don’t want to. My biggest problem rigt now is that all this is bottling up inside me And I am growing hateful, resentful, angrier, and *******r. I and my husband are fighting a lot more because I lose my temper very quickly. I am anything but patient. I can sense that it’s affecting our relationship and he is liking me less and less everyday. One more thing, I feel I am losing respect for his family and I Don’t care about what they thin as much as I did before. How do I sop this from happening? Financially, we are doing great but not enouh to buy two separate houses to house both families. His sister keeps making him feel bad about not having a bigger place indirectly. She and her husband keeps suggesting stupid ideas like buying a gas station so we could make more money. We both have professional jobs. I don’t understand their problem. Anyway, how do I stop this growing change inside me? What can I do?
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
Tolerate for the "love" of your husband :).
On a serious note, getting mental help might just be a better idea.
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
^ what do you mean by mental help? My husband knows I don't like this but thinks moving out means abandoning his parents. I have been tolerating this but it's chaining who I am in the worst wAy possible
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
Ok, so I haven't got any experience living with in-laws, but have you communicated your wishes to your husband? If you haven't, then you should and tell him all, bottling up will not help. It's good to vent to someone, otherwise it'll just build up and end in an explosion.
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
^ what do you mean by mental help? My husband knows I don't like this but thinks moving out means abandoning his parents. I have been tolerating this but it's chaining who I am in the worst wAy possible
well u sound depressed, you said its all bottling up hence i suggested you seek help from a therapist.
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
I can't share this with anyone. My husband knows I dont approve of it but doesn't want to disrupt family Peace by bringing it up to his parents.
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
You havent given any valid reason for feeling chained. Yes you are not liable to support them financially so you should take your stand on it IF you want to and feel strongly about it. And if your mil's protective nature towards you bothers you, you should let her know that you want to be treated like a grown up or whatever.
Have you tried making these amends? OR are you just focused on moving out?
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
^yes, I plan on moving out but not willing to hurt anyone for it. My husband is their only son so they depend on him. They want to move back to Pakistan but I don't see it happening soon. They do have a nicE house there but I honestly don't want them to move there because of what's happening there. My husband keeps telling me to make myself feel At home but when I do say anything to his mother, he has to correct me so I don't hurt her feelings. I am so confused and I just lock myself in my room and sleep through most weekends. I just don't like it and yes, I have been depressed but I do have my happy moments with hubby
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
complex situation..
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
I always thought that working women had more independence and were stronger at handling such issues. You can rent a 1 bed flat easily, and if your husband wants to move in you should welcome him. It's your call lady!
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
^ I usEd to think that too until I found myself in this mess. It's not as easy as we think when we consider the people that are affected by our decisions. I know I can move out any minute if I wanted to but that's not going to sit so well with everyone. It will be tlike throwing away everything I have done and sacrificed and wasting a year of my life. However I might just do that if I am so desperate to keen my sanity.
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
Tolerate for the "love" of your husband :).
On a serious note, getting mental help might just be a better idea.
I was going to say the same :D
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
I think that you should have thought about life after marriage, and if you wanted to live alone with your husband then perhaps marrying this poor guy wasn't a good choice.
Now that you are in this situation the option is to leave him, or to stay with him and hope that after a few years he maybe able to buy or rent another property.
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
Have you talked to your husband about finding a way to get your own place?
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
Let us see what are the problems here.
1. They like desi food and you hate it.
2. Your husband likes to live with his parents and you despise it.
3. Your MIL wants to teach desi cooking and you hate that too.
4. You can only cook Chinese food but the whole family hates them.
5. You and your husband cannot afford to maintain two households
6. You are outgoing and outspoken but you cannot say anything to any body who can help you resolve these issues.
All these are irreconcilable differences.
There is only one solution , try to get two smaller homes , even smaller than what you guys have right now and live your life independently and they can live theirs. Since your husband does not want to abandon his parents you can look for those two small houses , apartments, condo, flat etc close to each other. Close enough but not adjacent or opposite to each other.
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
I waited 7 years before I could say yes to getting married to this guy. He means the world to me and I know I married the right guy. The entire issue I delayed the wedding was becaus I was scared about living with his parents. It came down to him choosing to live with me or them. Needless to say, he chose to stay with them and completely refused to move away or live in two separate but close apartments. For him it was equivalent to abandoning his parents. Did I mention I don't have any brothers? I eventually gave in and accepted that I would have to live with them for a bit. I am just finding it incredibly hard to deal with and its changing who I am
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
If you don't like desi food..how can you blame your inlaws for not liking Chinese food? If you both barely talk, why is their presence such an issue?
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
Could you get a place with separate upstairs/ downstairs units?
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
Hello all,This is my first post here but I have been lurking around here for a while now.my situation seems to be unique so your forum hasn't been much of a help. Anyway, I decided to post my problem since I have no idea how to handle it anymore. I am typing from my iPhone so bear with me please.I live with in laws that I support financially for the most part. I never fancied the idea but did it for the love of my husband. Anyway, they are wonderful and caring people but I am quite selfish. I don't like this living arrangement and I never thought I would be supporting them financially. I don't do Anyhing at home except cleaning my room and doing our laundry. My mil does everything though I have never told her to do any of it. I work, come home, eat, then go to sleep. I have been married for a year And it's Ben the same routine. I keep our talks as short as possible because unlike what they think of me, I am quite thE opposite. I am outspoken and a very much a feminist. I don't really like desi food or the culture and my mil is very traditional and cooks only desi stinky fOod. I am allergic to garlic, the fumes of her cooking send me into a horrible rage. I just walk out of the house because I can't say anything to her because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I just want to live like an adult without parents for once in my life. I am in my twenties, I have a great career but I don't know anything about running a household. I don't want anyone to train me either. I want to experience adulthood on my own- not with my inlaws. I only know how to cook Chinese food and my inlays don't like it. I tried cooking desi food but I hate taking instructions from anyone and his mOther won't stop telling me to do things her way. Now I don't want to learn how to cook desi food at all. She treats me like her daughter who is 20 and goes to school. I don want to be treAted like I child or her daughter. Anyway, I want to live alone. I have been dealing with a lot of crap that only seems to be my issue because I am an outsider for them but somehow it's not an issue for them that I support them financially way more then my husband. Also, they seem to forget to include me in any bid family discussions. I don't Know what's fair or unfair. I just want my home and feel like I am married and not forced to run a family I don't want to. My biggest problem rigt now is that all this is bottling up inside me And I am growing hateful, resentful, angrier, and *******r. I and my husband are fighting a lot more because I lose my temper very quickly. I am anything but patient. I can sense that it's affecting our relationship and he is liking me less and less everyday. One more thing, I feel I am losing respect for his family and I Don't care about what they thin as much as I did before. How do I sop this from happening? Financially, we are doing great but not enouh to buy two separate houses to house both families. His sister keeps making him feel bad about not having a bigger place indirectly. She and her husband keeps suggesting stupid ideas like buying a gas station so we could make more money. We both have professional jobs. I don't understand their problem. Anyway, how do I stop this growing change inside me? What can I do?
And then people open threads asking "Why do most men not want their wives to work?"
I sure dont mind a working wife but if she ends up thinking she is supporting my parents than I really dont want a working wife.
You should have asked yourself if u were ready to marry this man before you decided to marry him.
Re: In need of good advice (inlaws)
^working on it but can't really afford to pay two rents or mortgage for two separate homes. I just want to know how to keep myself sane without hurting anybody. Their presence is an issue because I can't do anything in my own home except for watching tv or sleeping. Everybody wants to treat me like a little girl that doesn't know anything