If you really do love your husband then I don't think you would ask him to abandon his parents for you. I think you would make an attempt to love them as well. Asking him to choose between his parents and you is not real love. That is just selfishness.
Anyway, I would suggest that you have a chat with your husband and try to persuade him. Tell him that you are not asking him to choose between you and his parents but that you feel suffocated living in a joint family home. You want to experience life living as couple. Ask him how long he plans to keep you in a joint family home.
If all else fails then try to have about 6 kids...that should solve the problem.
Then you shouldn't have this mentality that living in two seParate homes is abandoning your parents. Also, understand that this asPect of your culture is much harder to understand for girls that have no brothers or are raised differently like myslef
^ I totally agree with that, you should have thought about that before you got married to your husband. You should have known that if he's their only son they will live with you guys. You can't expect them not live with you. Why don't you just learn to accept your inlaws as part of your family?? I think you should just put up with this living arrangement (like most people) and get over it, quite frankly. Why risk your relationship with your husband over something like this? You have it VERY easy compared to people I know, your MIL is doing everything for you and your still not happy?? Like you said, selfish.
I don't condone the fact that your helping them financially though, a little help here or there is fine but they shouldn't be living off your money. Isn't your husband working?
I think the only choice you have is to change a little OR move out. Which will lead to your poor husband having to choose over his parents and you... which can also lead to your husband and his WHOLE family becoming resentful towards you.
Well your husband seems to think so, maybe you should have figured out his mentality. You should have familiarised yourself with the culture. What is the significance of not having a brother? So where were you raised in China?
I waited 7 years before I could say yes to getting married to this guy. He means the world to me and I know I married the right guy. The entire issue I delayed the wedding was becaus I was scared about living with his parents. It came down to him choosing to live with me or them. Needless to say, he chose to stay with them and completely refused to move away or live in two separate but close apartments. For him it was equivalent to abandoning his parents. Did I mention I don't have any brothers? I eventually gave in and accepted that I would have to live with them for a bit. I am just finding it incredibly hard to deal with and its changing who I am
Since you are the one who compromised on your principles then you are the one who has to make all the sacrifices. You got yourself into this mess , You know what kind of mess you are in , you know your husband , you know his family , you know your options , you know what will it take to get you out of this mess , more sacrifices and patience for a few more years.
You should have asked yourself if u were ready to marry this man before you decided to marry him.
She did and the answer was yes even though he chose his family over her, that was not a deal breaker for her though at that time.
you said yourself that you are selfish so i don't need to point it out. you should just be lucky with what you have and work on your own mentality. you said that you keep discussions to a minimum, maybe you should work on that, and speak to them more, say your likes and dislikes, what you agree and disagree with, you don't even tell them you hate garlic for example, and then come complain about what they cook and eat, if you show your real self, maybe they won't treat you like a little girl like you said. i have the impression that you don't really try to fit in their family and it's such a loss for you because you said they're nice and all so you need to work on yourself
Then you shouldn't have this mentality that living in two seParate homes is abandoning your parents. Also, understand that this asPect of your culture is much harder to understand for girls that have no brothers or are raised differently like myslef
This is how we are raised , these are our values that we do not abandon our parents. They make all kind of sacrifices for us and we do for them. Your husband showed it to you loud and clear by choosing his parents over you.
Then you shouldn't have this mentality that living in two seParate homes is abandoning your parents. Also, understand that this asPect of your culture is much harder to understand for girls that have no brothers or are raised differently like myslef
if you didn't agree with your husband's mentality why did you marry him..., there is clearly a problem with the way you were raised, so don't blame the poor husband...
Interesting, so what about the girl's parents? What is she to do if she has no brothers to take care of her parents in old age? This is why it makes no sense. This is why your values make no sense because your culture teaches you to treat women like 2nd class citizens. You should at least admit it that it's one sided. I admire that you want to help out your parents but seriously, how is living in the same house helping if they are working all the time anyway? And how is living in two separate but close places equivalent to abandoning them? So have I abandoned my parents because I moved out and chose to live with his? Doesn't that make me a bad daughet?
Also, if women have to put up with this primitive cultural tradition, why not change it up a bit since most women have issues living with their inlaws? Why not start living with the girl's parents for a change? They are parents too, aren't they?
^go ahead if you think your reasoning is clever...
so basically, you want him to put himself in your shoes and think "oh well they would be leaving alone anyways if i didn't exist so i'll just leave them"
^You don't make any sense. If your values do any good for women than it should be perfect alright with you to live with your wife's parents. Now that both men and women make money and if your wife works, why not try this out? This is not why I came here. I don't agree with this aspect of your culture and that's the end of the story. I will never understand it because it's not fair to women and their parents. Hence, I will never like living with them. It's not about who they are or what they do right or wrong. It's mostly about what I want at this point and I want to move out WITH my husband. I just don't know how to keep my sanity until I am here. I have told his mother a million times that I don't like it when she cooks at night and I am allergic to garlic. Does it matter? of course not..
I think you have it pretty good actually, all things considering.
Also, excuse me if my comprehension is failing me, but from what I understand, you knew him and his stance for * seven * years, yet you still decided to marry him?? Whose fault is that really?
I can understand your situation theorist but right now it seems you have no options..you can't move out and you find it difficult to live with them under one roof .. you must be an independent natured girl and it happens..nothing unnatural about it but then you need to see what options you have... sacrificing for your husband will definitely pay off but that will require a lot of patience..ever tried talking to your mother in law about certain things like your likes and dislikes in food etc? Try doing that politely..you can't leave your husband and he can't abandon his parents (though I do not call it abandoning) .. try figuring out some other options..as you yourself are in the best place to decide :) Good luck!
Why can't I not expect to not live with us? I don't get it, why? I accept that they are part of our family but I don't want to live with them. I don't live with my parents, why should I live with them? So i should live in depression for the rest of my life even though it's my home but I need to live here like a guest? Why? I have it very easy because I work, and I don't want to spend any additional hours at home anyway. If I stayed home and did the house work and migled with the,, my story wouldn't be any different than those you hear. I am constantly watching what I say, how I say it. It's like you have guests over all the friggin' time and you can't do anything until they are gone. The difference here is they NEVER leave!
Will your parents be happy if you and your husband moved in with them? Didn't your mum move into her inlaws/husbands house?? Thats just the way it is. I don't see this tradition changing, ever and I don't think you should expect it too either.
You keep saying 'your culture' I'm assuming your not asian??
Sure, why not! They would be thrilled for a while! My mom did move to my husband's house with her inlaws but she also did not work and those were different times. I work and can support myself. Why am I being asked to put up with this? My point is why should I? I understand they are my family but I don't NEED to live with them. How the hell does being two apartments away equal to abandoning your parents? My family is my husband now, why is his family still his and mine reduced to just HIM..? I don't get it, help?! LIke I said, if it were about values, the men in Pakistani culture should have absolutely no problem living with the girl's parents but you do!! and that's where it stops making sense. This entire aspect of this culture needs to be reevaluated and I can't imagine more women agreeing with me.
Besides anything else if you guys cannot afford to rent two houses/apartments then you do need to live with your in-laws.
I guess you can get a TV in your room, internet connection, some reading books, puzzle books, see what interests and hobbies you share with your husband, and ask your husband to take you out dining at least once a week and then maybe it would become easier on you.
^LOL, you made me laugh! that's exactly what I do. I keep myself occupied when I am home (for the little that I do have). We have everything in our room and I basically lock myself inside until my husband comes back from work and we can eat together. I have many hobbies because of the way I live now. We do go out, I can't stand being in here anyway for longer periods of time. I just for once want to feel like I am home! It's been so long since I have felt at home. Like I said earlier, I am just growing really impatient and it's really starting to show. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I am super polite with everyone at home but that's not really me. I pretent 100% of the time! That's not any way to live, is it?