In like with the wrong guy...

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hey guys, hope everyone is good. This is potentially a dead end/stupid problem but I find airing out my feelings on this forums and hearing all your perspectives helps me really re-evalute my inner issues...

So, to make a long story short: I met this guy when I was on vacation about 3 years ago and we really hit it off. He checks off all the boxes (personality, looks, banter, nice family, same mind set as me) aside from his occupation, he works in a bar in Germany (his home). So, at the time I didn't really care cos I figured yes we spent some time together (non-sexual, just hung out talking a lot) but that was that cos I was on vacay and I was due to go back to America (my home at the time). Fast forward 3 years and we still keep in touch. Now, our conversations the past three years have various modes: serious (family/life/friends/work/goals etc), jokes and major flirting. He flirts with me via phone/text/etc a LOT. Like a lot, a lot. So I have the impression he likes me etc etc, and I never had any relationship going on during this period so I kinda reciprocated a bit and let it go on. However, as time went on in these 3 years a few things happened that made me think he was not a serious guy. He replies really slow or not at all sometimes, I find I message him more often than he messages me, when we did talk it was all flirting and no seriousness, if I did wanna talk about something serious he wouldn't be as open with me as I am with him and a lot of the time he would give me vague answers to things (nothing serious, but it is annoying/an indication he wasn't into the conversation as much as I was. So when this started happening, I kinda backed off. Now, I should add when we initially met when I was on vacay, he did try to kiss me but I rejected him cos I don't feel comfortable kissing guys I don't know well/not with. Anywho, I backed off but somehow we picked up kinda where we left off and now these days we are talking more often.

My confusion is that I am going to Germany again next month, and we have been in contact and he did say to me let me know when your here, come visit me, we will hang out etc. And I said sure, but it was been a few weeks since then and since then we have spoken but he has made no plans/specific arrangements to see me. He even said at one point I should just come to see him at his bar - and I am like thinking what kinda shitty plan is that lmao. Problem is - we have a lot of mutual friends who all hang out at this bar so we WILL meet there BUT that's not really a proper plan is it?

My point is, I have been talking and getting to know this guy for 3 years without meeting him and now I finally coming to a point where I might see him again yet he is not showing me the enthusiasm I want to see. I don't know how to approach the situation - do I make the plans? Do I bother with this? He did say many times he wants to meet on the phone in the past few months, but since the last couple weeks he hasn't. And I can't keep asking him when when when, it is embarrassing if he isn't making the effort as the time for my trip comes closer. And if I do meet him - wtf am I gonna do??? My parents, and myself even, can't accept someone who works in a bar lol. It's just not possible. I know he has other plans but those have yet to come into fruition (own business).

As it stands, I told him my dates and he asked me to. And he just replied saying awesome. I wrote back asking if he would show me around (on my friends insistence) and thus far no reply (it's been a day).

Is this all stupid??? Should I just relax and take this as the holiday romance it is? I don't think he can even be serious with his current atmosphere and the way he is (he is still in party mode). I feel like I know the answer but I like him so much it is annoying to keep thinking about him with no end goal.

Help!

2

TIME PASS!!!

3

Sis, a better question would be why you put all your eggs in one basket. Maybe I’m not ~open-minded, but I think long-term ~relationships (or potential relationships in your case. Flirtationship? Whatever) are generally a waste of time. Have your little fun and drop him.

Edit: I meant to say long distance. But in this case a long term and long distance “flirtationship” is definitely a waste of time.

4

This situation is kind of like your last job. Remember how you saw all the major red flags in your workplace and you stuck it out hoping that things would get better, only to realize that the place wasn’t conducive to your sanity or to your other long-term goals? When people show you early on what they’re like (or will be like), then consider it a blessing and heed that nagging voice in the back of your mind or in the pit of your gut that is telling you to move on. For weeks and months we (women, generally) cultivate a crush; we let that crush magnify mainly through fantasizing. We imagine that a person or a situation will be as wonderful in reality as we’ve played it out in our heads. It’s a powerful thing, the human imagination. It’s so powerful that it can put your life on hold and prevent you from moving on to opportunities that are much better/healthier for you. First of all, it’s a long-distance equation and that will always complicate things. Secondly, major flirting and banter and sharing of personal information do not equate to an official relationship title. He never expressed that he sees you as his girlfriend or anything more than that. Lastly, actions (or the lack of thereof) speak louder than the prettiest words. In the past 3 years (which is a long time) he has been distant from you and even silence speaks louder than words. Don’t make him a priority if he’s only treating you as a second thought or an option to socialize with from time to time.

Your trip to Germany should not revolve around him. Don’t make him the reason for your visit. You should treat it as a vacation. Don’t nurse any expectations that he should make time for you or invite you out or whatever. Just go there with the intention to have fun and keep your heart detached of him. This way…if he does show significant interest (great)…and if he doesn’t, then it won’t hurt as much.

And as IsaidwhatIsaid stated above, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. If marriage is something that you desire, then keep your options open instead of pinning all of your heart and hopes on something that you know doesn’t appear to be going to anywhere because it’s a great way to waste time and it’ll slip through your hands as easily as water.

5

Mans got you down lmao. You gonna go to the bar, meet him. I can bet that.

6

let me give you an honest opinion from a guy perspective. he isn’t into you. he just want to get in your pants and thats it. specially when you have already told him “No” when he tried to kiss you. even if he shows some enthusiasm this time, nothing would last after he gets what he wants. There are already a lot of red-flags that he has shown, not sure if you have noticed them or not but i can put any money that there wouldn’t be any future with him. That being said, If you really want to see him, then go to the bar but don’t go alone. Go with group of people. Make sure to show him that all the effort he has put in getting you didn’t work on you, giving him a hint that he should move on.

7

If he saw you as a potential OP, he wouldn’t have waited all these yrs for you to come to Germany in order to meet again… But even if we disregard that bit, him not making any plans when he knows your exact visiting time frame, speaks for itself.

8

Don’t make your plans only because of him. As you have noticed & as everyone’s telling You, he’s not seriously into this. If you like him so much to waste further time with a nonserious guy then proceed otherwise leave & find someone better who thinks you’re worth more than flirtation.

You have not mentioned one single thing that happened in last 3 years thats hinting that the guy is looking at you as a long term / marriage prospect. If there is then share. Otherwise forget it.

9

Girl you have fallen for him, no advice will work now.

10

Guys I understand everything your saying and I think it is deffo the confirmation I needed - but one thing me and my friends can’t figure out is why the hell would he keep in contact with me consistantly for the past 3 years? If I put it into perspective - we speak at least 1 - 2 times a month on the phone for an hour or so at a time (lmao, I know it is specific but I am trying to paint you all a detailed picture). And most of these times he calls me.

Why the hell would he bother??? I don’t get it. To me - and this may be my sub-consicence wishing more than actual reality - it seems like he is 50% into me and 50% not at all. Obviously - this is not good news, I should and AM looking for a guy 100% into me (as I am in him) but I tell you all I have been TRYING to date and speak to guys etc but I never meet anyone I connect with. I have not met a single guy who I connected with or was serious. I just have the worst luck with my love life. So all I have had is this constance in the background who yes is not there 100%, but is there and always around. For example if I were upset or whatever I could count on him being there to listen. But where he lacks in response is just non-serious conversations.

Anyway do you know what I mean - wtf is the point of this on his side?

11

Did you guys have phone sex? :smiley:

12

True, my german friend knows how to play the game. 3 years of pent up tension. Something will have to give in Stuttgart :slight_smile: Aye, what happens Stuttgart stays there

13

I am amazed at OP. So basically you treat him like a phone buddy. You talk to him to bcoz he is there to listen. You let him flirt bcoz you don?t have anyone else you are involved with seriously and you expect he will not notice all these things. How do you expect someone to commit before you would do so, that?s a folly.
Why don?t you just talk to him straight that you are only looking for a serious long term relationship and if he thinks this can happen and if he thinks otherwise just end it. It?s simple.

14

Because he likes having you around. For all we know, you aren’t the only one. He might be dealing with chicks just as inconsistent as himself, so he goes to you as back up. Seriously, you are better off looking for a serious relationship on Tinder compared to sticking with this guy. I don’t even know if you like him or if you like the idea of a guying being even a little interested in you. Cut him off permanently.

15

A new rare trophey perhaps? remember guy works in a bar.

16

if you lookin for a quick fling, go get some but you ain’t that type of girl then…

17

Guys…thank you for your honest thoughts. I appreciate it. I better cut this shit out!!!

18

Perhaps this what OP is hoping for? An innocent fling to check off the old bucket list.

19

GS has several posters who are willing to give advice on virtually anything and everything. Surely they must be clever, kind, friendly and intelligent with wholesome knowledge of wide ranging situations and scenarios.

20

beeba, some guys can keep up the pretence for YEARS. youve been treating him just as casually as he has been treating you. but you seem to hold more hope than he does. take it for what it is and either enjoy it or just cut it off. this is really a dead end and you know that too. the years do not matter. heck i’ve done that to someone for a while too (not so proud though). definitely do NOT go to see him. just get on with finding more eye candy or husband or whatever.