There are a number of threads on this topic, but after reading some of the recent ones, I am as confused as ever, as to why people have so many issues with their in-laws?
For girls, it seems that in the majority of cases here, the guys parents have chosen the girl, so why do they then make each others lives so difficult? I guess, I don’t understand why it suddenly becomes a tug of war between ‘my husband’ and for the parents ‘my son.’
Do parents lose all responsibility of their son when he gets married & instead he becomes responsible for them? Or do the parents just decide that they don’t actually quite like the girl anymore?
It all sounds quite scary to be honest, on GS it is like getting married is preparing for battle
Think about your immediate family. If you can get into arguments with your own parents and siblings (who tend to be the more tolerant people in one's life and whose love is close to unconditional), then it's natural to get into arguments with people like your friends, spouse, in-laws, coworkers, etc. Even in your immediate family, you can have petty issues that can be a result of insecurity or jealousy or competition.
This isn't to say that all this drama is a good thing. You spend twenty some years with your parents and they are the main focus in your life and then when you get married, you have to deal with additional responsibilities. You have to deal with fulfilling the rights of your spouse along with those of your parents. You have to balance your time. You also have to consider your spouse's feelings and views about issues whereas before you may have only worried about yourself and your family. And it's a huge adjustment for both parties and egos get hurt. I think the important thing is to understand that parents and spouse are two different relationships with different demands. Since they can't be compared, they shouldn't be treated as competition.
There are a number of threads on this topic, but after reading some of the recent ones, I am as confused as ever, as to why people have so many issues with their in-laws?
For girls, it seems that in the majority of cases here, the guys parents have chosen the girl, so why do they then make each others lives so difficult? I guess, I don't understand why it suddenly becomes a tug of war between 'my husband' and for the parents 'my son.'
Do parents lose all responsibility of their son when he gets married & instead he becomes responsible for them? Or do the parents just decide that they don't actually quite like the girl anymore?
It all sounds quite scary to be honest, on GS it is like getting married is preparing for battle :(
Okay ji, let me splain you...
Guys family hears there is a girl available
Guys family goes to see girl...she is gori, daaaaaktar, taaall, eslim and makes A-ONE pakoray.
Guys family ke dil mein laddoo phooting
Girls family timidly hands over their prized possession along with a furneeeechar ka set, TV, scooter/suzuki, gold and also buys all all of the guy's side ke chaddi banyaan.
Guys family then realizes ke larkay ki shaadi hochuki hai...aisa na ho ke larka humaray haat se nikal jaye.
Guys family goes to see girl...she is gori, daaaaaktar, taaall, eslim and makes A-ONE pakoray.
Guys family ke dil mein laddoo phooting
Girls family timidly hands over their prized possession along with a furneeeechar ka set, TV, scooter/suzuki, gold and also buys all all of the guy's side ke chaddi banyaan.
Guys family then realizes ke larkay ki shaadi hochuki hai...aisa na ho ke larka humaray haat se nikal jaye.
Guys family goes to see girl...she is gori, daaaaaktar, taaall, eslim and makes A-ONE pakoray.
Guys family ke dil mein laddoo phooting
Girls family timidly hands over their prized possession along with a furneeeechar ka set, TV, scooter/suzuki, gold and also buys all all of the guy's side ke chaddi banyaan.
Guys family then realizes ke larkay ki shaadi hochuki hai...aisa na ho ke larka humaray haat se nikal jaye.
Guys family goes to see girl...she is gori, daaaaaktar, taaall, eslim and makes A-ONE pakoray.
Guys family ke dil mein laddoo phooting
Girls family timidly hands over their prized possession along with a furneeeechar ka set, TV, scooter/suzuki, gold and also buys all all of the guy's side ke chaddi banyaan.
Guys family then realizes ke larkay ki shaadi hochuki hai...aisa na ho ke larka humaray haat se nikal jaye.
Bahu wants her husband
Guys family wants their son
Hence the kheencha taani
Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi
The End
Ha ha, that really made me laugh! Thank you for the summary. Do you think a change in career will help? lol But seriously, if they are worried that haat se na nikal jaye, then why do they get him married in the first place? I mean, the girl's parents don't complain that she has to go and live somewhere completely new.
I get the personality clash and likelood of arguments thing, but wouldn't people be more tolerant as they know that it is a sensitive relationship as it is?
As much as I think I am not all that bothered with all this right now, I am actually quite scared! This marriage stuff is freaking me out, I used to think all this rishta & wedding stuff was quite sweet.
Don't be scared, treat your MIL's as close as you can to your own immediate family. Just don't enter your susraal thinking your MIL and SIL are there to poison you, burn you and treat you bad.
I think more than it being a clash of personalities it's interfering and not giving one another respected 'space' that causes friction.
How come when mothers yell at their daughters it is "raising good kids" and when MILs tells their bahu the right thing it is "clash of personalities" ?
^ because there is a difference in intentions. Mothers do that to make you a better person & most of the MILs do that to show their authority and power and to insult you.
^ because there is a difference in intentions. Mothers do that to make you a better person & most of the MILs do that to show their authority and power and to insult you.
but what about the good MILs who accept their DILs as their own daughters and in turn do not get the respect from their DILs that they really deserve ?
How come when mothers yell at their daughters it is "raising good kids" and when MILs tells their bahu the right thing it is "clash of personalities" ?
Would your own mother lament and get annoyed with you if you werent fair? No, but your MIL will.
How come when mothers yell at their daughters it is "raising good kids" and when MILs tells their bahu the right thing it is "clash of personalities" ?
Did you ever think that the MANNER in which someone tries to guide a person can influence their reaction? There's a difference between yelling and telling/explaining. To be honest, kids experience resentment even if their own parents impose things on them or yell at them to do something. The yelling and harsh approach (even by parents) can be counterproductive, the lesson may not be internalized in the proper way, rebelliousness can occur, etc.
The intention behind one's words is also another issue. While there ARE toxic parents out there....for the most part....parents scold you with intention to make you better; there is usually concern even in their anger, their frustration and criticism has roots in concern. Most parents don't criticize their children to bring them down or to find pleasure in making them feel inferior.
I'm not saying that ALL mothers-in-law are like that. And there ARE MILS that do treat their bahus like daughters and mean well. But then there are those that criticize with the intention to make the person feel inferior or doubt their self-worth, etc. The intentions may not be in the right place. The dynamics between mother and child...and between one and their in-laws are not the same.
Another thing to consider is frequency. Your parents criticize you and get mad at you....and soon get over it. The relationship calms down, things go back to being normal and pleasant. But for some people, the relationship with their in-laws may ALWAYS be full of criticism and scolding....there is frequent negativity...there's no healthy balance. Even with parents, extremes are not healthy.
Again, I'm not saying that all MILS are bad, nor am I saying that all DILs are innocent. Relationships require mutual effort and compromise..and most importantly respect.
Would your own mother lament and get annoyed with you if you werent fair? No, but your MIL will.
Some mothers ACTUALLY do lament that their child isn't fair-skinned....but even in this absurd lamentation....a mother has some sort of concern for her child. She may wish that the child is fair-skinned because she thinks that such a quality would improve the child's lifestyle due to cultural attitudes. I'm not trying to justify such thinking. It's ridiculous but there's an element of concern. With a MIL...a comment about skin color may be devoid of any concern...and be out of nothing but condecension or cattiness. ***Not saying that all MILs are like that.
It goes back to the point that was made earlier, mother and MIL are two different relationships, two different dynamics, and therefore intentions and feelings and tolerance levels can't be the same.
I don't think I have ever seen/heard of a MIL yelling at her DIL? I do agree, there is probably a different relationship between mother/MIL, but it's not normally as drastic as people have said is it? Although, I have seen that people are just less tolerent towards things that their in-laws say. I don't think it is all one-sided though, as the DIL's don't really seem to take much either.
However, I do think there has to be respect from both sides right, I mean as people have said, your parents will tell you off etc. to make you a better person, but it isn't right for a MIL or DIL to just be mean to the other!
Thanks Gina, Inshallah, my MIL will be nice to me, & I will try to respect her like I do my mummy. I hope everybody has happy non-stressful lives with their in-laws!
Why does it have to be so confusing? It is as if marrying somebody is not scary enough as it is! The whole process seems like diving into a really deep pool, and I can't cook or anything :(
Don't be scared, treat your MIL's as close as you can to your own immediate family. Just don't enter your susraal thinking your MIL and SIL are there to poison you, burn you and treat you bad.
I think more than it being a clash of personalities it's interfering and not giving one another respected 'space' that causes friction.
Very well said.
How come when mothers yell at their daughters it is "raising good kids" and when MILs tells their bahu the right thing it is "clash of personalities" ?
That's cuz we have this in mind that no matter what our mils can never think good of us and vice versa.
^ because there is a difference in intentions. Mothers do that to make you a better person & most of the MILs do that to show their authority and power and to insult you.
Stereotypical.
Some mothers ACTUALLY do lament that their child isn't fair-skinned....but even in this absurd lamentation....a mother has some sort of concern for her child. She may wish that the child is fair-skinned because she thinks that such a quality would improve the child's lifestyle due to cultural attitudes. I'm not trying to justify such thinking. It's ridiculous but there's an element of concern. With a MIL...a comment about skin color may be devoid of any concern...and be out of nothing but condecension or cattiness. ***Not saying that all MILs are like that.
It goes back to the point that was made earlier, mother and MIL are two different relationships, two different dynamics, and therefore intentions and feelings and tolerance levels can't be the same.
