I was talking to a friend.. who is pregnant and her in laws are visiting her. She is sick.. i know that.. very sick actually but the fuss she is making about her in laws visiting is beyond my understanding.
My reason for this topic is .. are in laws that bad?? I see more and more girls being against their in laws and hating them for no reason.. i say.. at least have a damn reason to hate them.. not because they are your husband’s parents.. that’s not a reason to hate them.
Why is it that way?? Why aren’t mothers of such girls or bahus teach them that in laws are just as important and should be respected and loved. I see this trend in this generation.. hate in laws even before you even get married. WHY?? Even if they do little things out of place.. everyone makes mistakes.. i am sure our own parents to do.. we don’t hate them, why should we hate the guy’s parents??
I am no saint, but with all the weird things my MIL/FIL say to me its still not bad. I still love them. I am sure there are times I say stupid things too. We are all human. My mother had an extremely tough experience with my daadi.. so much that killing herself would’ve been a better option than to live in that hell. She stayed and listen to every single thing my daadi said to her. Now as a mother and MIL now she always encourages us to respect our in laws and go out of our way to address their needs. With my mom’s experience us children should’ve been opposite but we aren’t.. Why do girls with perfect families then hate the guy’s parents for no reason?? and in most cases that I came across… hate is a small word.. girls’ say the meanest things we can imagine to their in laws.
Newly married girls, please don’t step into someone’s house with so much hatred feeded to you already. Give them time to get used to you… give yourself time to get used to them. Our parents are not perfect so why should we expect his parents to be??? We love our parents despite all the mistakes they make, don’t change the rules for his parents. Respect and love them. If they come visit you, do everything you’ll do for your own parents.
Good point Spiral. I am very blessed to have wonderful inlaws.. not just father and MIL but the whole family... sure she says something every once in a while that I don't agree with but i still respect her and are in good terms with her. I think every rista requires some work and if you have to put in a little more than the other person you should to preserve that rista. I know my husband is very close to his family but cannot give them time or call so I do that just to make up for him and it keeps them happy :)
Girls don't set out to 'hate' their MILs, what usually happens is that the boy's mums have unrealistically high expectations of these girls (think how differently a lot of desi mothers treat their own daughters in relation to their brothers, letting the boys get away with so much more, putting them on a pedestal, let alone a girl from outside). I've seen first-hand girls who've lived with inlaws being told they must dress only in desi clothes, should stop working and must ask permission before leaving the house, some MILs also get funny if the couples do stuff like go out for dinner a lot or away on nice holidays.. MILS also tend to get jealous when they see these young girls with their new jewellery, nice clothes etc and the green-eyed monster surfaces.. One example - my brother bought my SIL-to-be the most gorgeous diamond engagement ring and instead of being happy for her my mum started going round saying 'why should she have such a nice ring? I'm his mother and he has never bought me anything that nice.' I don't have a MIL yet so haven't been thru all this but I have seen these situations soooooo many times with ppl I know, it's not always the MIL's fault but 90% of the time she is obviously the one in the wrong (and that includes my own mother)..
It's easy to blame the DIL but being honest how many girls would have the guts to go and live in someone else's house and start making trouble (esp when in our culture a girl ending up divorced is such a big deal and she's the one who'll usually be blamed)?? You would think the family would give a new person some leeway but usually it's the opposite, she's the one who's expected to make nearly all the adjustments and being honest some of the stuff that is expected of these girls is just taking the p*ss..
Just because our own mothers and grandmothers put up with bad treatment doesn't make it right.. if someone oppresses u or treats u like cr*p u should speak up.. there is nothing smart about being a 'martyr' or a doormat, esp when MIL or anyone else gets bored of treating you badly and moves onto ur sister or someone else younger who might not be able to handle it.. We're not Hindus, we aren't meant to believe in DILs never ever answering back or suffering for the greater good or for a spot in heaven or whatever..
Maybe she's making a fuss because she knows she will have to do a lot and show she's a good wife and DIL. She's pregnant and sick, so hardly the best time.
I would be the same if I knew my in-laws are coming. They are seriously high maintenance and would not accept that I may be tired or unwell and carrying their grandchild.
Many of us have been raised abroad in western societies, and culturally, we're raised to respect each other's space. You don't have that same culture in Pakistan. In Pakistan, people will randomly come over your place for tea with a last minute's notice, or they'll come walking into your home as many people leave their gates unlocked for neighbors (maybe not in violent areas)...
So, I think its a cultural difference. If she was raised abroad, she's probably thinking --> I'm pregnant, this is a time for my husband and I to bond and get ready for our baby, this is a time where I want some peace and quiet at home so I can just relax while I am pregnant. I don't know if she works, but if she does, she probably wants that privacy and quiet even more.
So...naturally, she's not going to be ok with having in-laws over. And depends on how far along she is. If they plan on staying for the entire 9 months, that's pretty invasive...
I mean... you can always visit your bahu or whatever around the time she gives birth.
And some girls would prefer their own biological mom be close by them during the pregnancy as oppose to people she never grew up with.
Depends on the in-laws' personality too. They may seem normal to you, but maybe at home, their personalities aren't clicking with the DIL.
Regardless, I think the generation abroad has more of a "leave me alone, give me my privacy, give me my space" personality.
BTW, being pregnant is no joke. You're carrying a living thing inside you that sucks your nutrients and fluids. When that baby is delivered, the mom is at risk for tearing of her private parts that may leave her incontinent for life, weakening of pelvic muscles (more incontinence over the long term), infections, septic shock, severe blood loss, tearing apart of her uterus, and not to be taken lightly, death.
So...its a very stressful time in a woman's life, especially if you realize what may happen when that baby is born...
Do you really need some family around who really doesn't give a crap about you, but only cares about having a new grandchild, and who really isn't going to be of help around the house and may only create more work? Sure, some inlaws will help out during the pregnancy, but some will still expect the DIL to work and cook for everyone.
^ So true.. my grandparents went to visit my auntie in the US when she was heavily pregnant and not well and they still expected her to cook and clean up after them despite being fit and able..
its the period between baat paki,engagemt and rukhsati that messes things up...
both parties tend to have a lot of expectations...
a few conflicts here and there give rise to bitterness...
both parties shud try to give eachother a chance and learn to do their part well insted of criticizing the other.
You have to understand that when we're pregnant, we're really hormonal as well... so even small things seem like huge issues .... she's probably making a huge issue out of it because of that. Let her vent.
And yes, even if you're pregnant some in-laws expect you to do everything around the house, which is hard. When you're living alone with husband, anything goes.... he will even get food from outside if you're not feeling well and can't cook, but with in-laws you can't do that..... husband will still want his pregnant wife to cook and serve which is soooo wrong, he can definitely get food from outside and say sorry ammi abbu, she's not well.... lets get takeout, aap kiya pasana karein gai or say aaj bahar ka khaanya ka mood hai, baahar sai lai kar aatay hain but they usually don't, I guess they're just not clued in to how much toll a pregnancy takes on a woman's body, even when she's at home all day doing nothing.
I'm blessed that my husband does the latter, he just expects me to give them company and chat with them and just keep asking them kuch chahiyay tau nahin, aap sahee hain, etc etc. They're inshaAllah going to come soon and I'm definitely looking forward to it, as my husband has made it easier for me :)
Ok I agree not every case is the same. I would love to have my MIL live with me when I am expecting. I don't care really. She is like my mother who will look after me.
But I've seen these girls who don't even live with their in laws and say all the mean things. I don't believe in judging people unless you live with them. I see girls who are always so negative. Everyone makes mistakes, so what if their in laws did to as some point. Ask your bhabis if your mother is perfect. I am sure she'll say at least few things that could be changed. So why is the guy's parents treated so differently.
I fight with my MIL just like i fight with my mom and I hug my MIL just like i hug my own mom. Its not easy, it takes time and a lot of effort. But last thing I'll do is say bad things about my MIL. I disagree with them somtimes and I let them know.
My friend's MIL/FIL are coming to visit their son for the first time and that too for only four days. She's been living with her husband ever since she got married. Don't the parents deserve to see the son and to live in his house for few days too????
personally i believe respect and love for ur in laws depends on the love and understanding u have with your husband..the more u love ur husband..the better u will be able to deal with in laws issues without going over board..
thats how i think of my future husband and in-laws.
every one is different and so are their experiences. i am not married yet but i pray that i become a better human being and also get a respectable treatment. Ameen....so in a way i cant really put my self in her or any girl's situation who badmouths her in-laws.
Quit friendship with such whiners. as Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people."
I was talking to a friend.. who is pregnant and her in laws are visiting her. She is sick.. i know that.. very sick actually but the fuss she is making about her in laws visiting is beyond my understanding.
My reason for this topic is .. are in laws that bad?? I see more and more girls being against their in laws and hating them for no reason.. i say.. at least have a damn reason to hate them.. not because they are your husband's parents.. that's not a reason to hate them.
Why is it that way?? Why aren't mothers of such girls or bahus teach them that in laws are just as important and should be respected and loved. I see this trend in this generation.. hate in laws even before you even get married. WHY?? Even if they do little things out of place.. everyone makes mistakes.. i am sure our own parents to do.. we don't hate them, why should we hate the guy's parents??
I am no saint, but with all the weird things my MIL/FIL say to me its still not bad. I still love them. I am sure there are times I say stupid things too. We are all human. My mother had an extremely tough experience with my daadi.. so much that killing herself would've been a better option than to live in that hell. She stayed and listen to every single thing my daadi said to her. Now as a mother and MIL now she always encourages us to respect our in laws and go out of our way to address their needs. With my mom's experience us children should've been opposite but we aren't.. Why do girls with perfect families then hate the guy's parents for no reason?? and in most cases that I came across... hate is a small word.. girls' say the meanest things we can imagine to their in laws.
Newly married girls, please don't step into someone's house with so much hatred feeded to you already. Give them time to get used to you... give yourself time to get used to them. Our parents are not perfect so why should we expect his parents to be??? We love our parents despite all the mistakes they make, don't change the rules for his parents. Respect and love them. If they come visit you, do everything you'll do for your own parents.
When I was pregnant my inlaws came over regularly to check in on me and drop off food. They also had us over regularly. When I went on bedrest and mom and hubby was working, MIL and FIL took care of me, running up and down so I wouldn't have to. Feeding me and looking after me.
I dont think girls step into their inlaws' homes hating them at all.
Its actually fear more than anything else thats in their hearts...it was in mine for sure. Fear of doing something and ending up in the bad-bahu category. You're outnumbered and dont even know if your husband will stand up for you IF something goes wrong. A girl would have to be very daring, bold and stupid to walk into someone else's home hating them from the start.
Her actions are misinterpreted and labeled most of the time. Silence is considered snobbiness. Shyness is considered "akaR". (Believe it or not, I am very shy when I first meet new people) Talking is considered being too "bold". If you help in the kitchen, they say you're trying to take over the house and if you dont "humko kaam karte huwe dekha aur ek ungli nahin uthayi".
No, not all inlaws are bad but the average girl would be stupid to make enemies in a home where she needs to make friends...if not out of the goodness of her heart then at least to keep her position in the household as one that deserves respect.
^ The girl, I feel, is in a more vulnerable position because she's the one who is leaving the comfort of her own home and feels the pressure to adjust to the guy's family and to be accepted by them.
Also, desi culture is much harder on girls than it is on guys. From a young age, there's so much pressure on them to look a certain way......so much pressure on them to be careful of how they conduct themselves so that they don't accidentally ruin their reputations....resulting in aunties wagging their tongues...and thus hurting rishta prospects. They're admonished on how the slightest misstep can make for a blemish on their character. It's a lot of pressure....to watch your back all the time. And I think girls carry this fear (of what log will think that's been drilled into them) with them when they get married as well.
If she's working....she's thought to be too "maadran". I've even heard an educated desi mother say that a girl shouldn't get a Masters Degree because it hinders proposals. If she voices her opinions......she's moon phat or badtameez........if she stays out an hour later due to whatever reason.........she's awara. As Reha said.......if she's reserved......she's stuck-up. If she's talkative.....she may be thought as taiz.
^She's judged a lot more than the in-laws are during the rishta process. From head to toe...her personality....uthna bethna......etc. She's like the newcomer...that everyone is curious about...and even insecure about that she might "replace" certain relations.
Although, yes, the DIL might misconstrue the MIL's actions.
when I was living a married life & pregnant ,my MIL & her MIL after finishing food would used to go straight to my room and land on my bed and yes how can I forget the third person on my bed my MIL's son ! So I used to end up sitting on the floor after all the cleaning and washing was done by me and each and every bone in my body aching while they were resting on my bed with a nice cup of tea ! So things are not that simple at times. Inlaws can really test your patience.