Re: In - Laws in the wedding planning
PS. KEEP AWAY from ur in laws .. esp ur SIL
AVOID them ... IGNORE them ... kick their behinds if u have to but yea make room for urself
Re: In - Laws in the wedding planning
Also, I personally feel that if you can't tell your parents something, then you know deep down that it's wrong.
Re: In - Laws in the wedding planning
^ that.
Re: In - Laws in the wedding planning
seriously.
and if the OP doesnt want to listen to the great advice here, I'm not sure what the point of this thread is.
Everyone thinks they come from respectable families. . No one says they come from a baghrairat khandaan.
Re: In - Laws in the wedding planning
E) Reconsider marrying into this family. They don't sound like nice people. You're not even married and they're all about making demands and asking for things. Wtf. What happens when you are married? They treat you like the new maid in the house? If there's no respect to begin with between families, consider that a warning sign. It's a big problem. You're not being bought for their son. They don't get to bargain over "your price".
Also, I personally feel that if you can't tell your parents something, then you know deep down that it's wrong.
QFT
OP...you may not want to hear this and I hate to be the one saying this.
If a family asks for things even BEFORE the rishta has turned into marriage...they WILL ask later on as well. In fact, it will turn into a demand in order to keep you. It doesn't stop or end because they feel you are beneath them since you are larki walay.
This family does not respect you or your parents. In my experience...in-laws MUST respect the girl or guy's parents in order to treat her or him well. When they don't respect them, things go from bad to worse. Right now, its gifts. Later on you might be asked for other things.
This len dein is wrong to begin with...demanding things is besharmi.
If you want to marry him, marry him. But don't give in to unreasonable demands and do not allow ANYONE to disrespect your parents.
Re: In - Laws in the wedding planning
Thanks everyone for the great advice. I first talked to my fiance and told him how I feel about his family (which he already knew). He keeps telling me that I need to trust him and that he will take care of things. He told me he is stuck in the middle and does what he can. (which is very true). He also admited that his sisters have a very strong personality (way stronger than I do) and that I handle the situation well. He admitted that his sisters are wrong on several occasions and says he doesnt come back and always tell me but he has these talks with them as well of how they shouldnt do this or that with me.
Again he is NOT a bad guy and is on my side. The only thing that im worried about with him is that his sisters make up soo much crap about me and my family and tell him they did this and they did that.
I also told my parents about the situation. My mom said she has noticed. (I mean I tell my mom some of the stuff just I dont go back and say everything b/c I dont want her to worry). She said it seems like my fiance is always on my side and has noticed that on several occasions he has had my back in front of them.
I mean again my fiance does take my side and I wont have to live with my inlaws and to be honest he isnt really around the family that much. I think his family just tries to make it seem like he is and that they are a big part of his life.
Re: In - Laws in the wedding planning
I want to add me and my mom had a very long conversation and that is not all she said. She said we can talk to the family about the issue and what not. I just dont want to write out everything we talked about.
Re: In - Laws in the wedding planning
FashionDiva:
It's good that you had a long/honest conversation with your mom. At the end of the day....its your life and you'll have to live with the decision you make. I'm a major believer in making informed choices and not complaining about it afterwards. I know with my own fiance....I made the choice to be with him knowing that I will always have to deal with certain issues regarding his family. Since I'm making the choice to marry him, after marriage I have no right to complain or blame anyone else if my in-laws continue to act the way they do currently.
If you're absolutely positive that you will have a successful, happy marriage with your fiance despite his family's behavior....then go for it. But if there is even a slight doubt in your mind....especially since your mother and father are being disrespected....then re-think this while thing.
I wish you all the best with whatever you choose to do. :)
The controlling how the wedding turn out is not as scary as wanting something for the guy and stooping to taking back what they got for u is a major major red flag. You realize people who are willing to show u such ugly colors before shaadi will probably be completely their greedy selves after shaadi. That fiancé of yours who barely can put a stop to this probably wobt after shaadi either. U need to just weigh the pros and cons and see if this family is right for you. If you think they are demanding now, your inlaws mught scrutinize u for the birthday, anniversary and whatever lena dena occurs after shaadi. Nothing is good enough for greedy people. Only you know if this guy is worth it. Wish u best of luck and if they r greedy with you, they have daughters too.
Re: In - Laws in the wedding planning
I agree to ^ completely!
Re: In - Laws in the wedding planning
Thanks again everyone! That is how I feel........they have daughters too. How can they be like that? The crap they give me is ugly and outdated anyway so I dont really care if I get something from them or not and have told my fiance they have a different style then me. Ive already made up my mind that I wont touch the crap they give me.
They bought all the sets and clothes they are going to give me on their own without asking me my opionion. Who does that in this day and age? Thats fine b/c I dont really care. Im getting my choice stuff from my parents and refuse to wear or touch the stuff they give me. Ive already told my fiance that and he told me I dont have to wear it. They are obviously doing this b/c I got to pick my wedding day clothes and they did not. My sister in laws told me how ugly my nikkah clothes were and to choose something else. I stuck to my guns and said NO this is what I like and its something I have to wear you dont (in better words) which they are still holding a grudge about.
They are alot older than me and their is a huge generation gap. My fiance has came out and said that himself and said he agrees they have a different thinking mentality than we do.
Ive talked to my friends who say they are just trying to make a point to show who is in control but after you guys get married things will be different if you have your husband on your side.
Re: In - Laws in the wedding planning
FD - I pray that he is.
I have a really close friend that was in a similar situation - had controlling nands and was marrying an only son (love marriage). They got divorced 6 months later.
my advice is to leave your husband out of this.
Re: In - Laws in the wedding planning
Ive talked to my friends who say they are just trying to make a point to show who is in control but after you guys get married things will be different if you have your husband on your side.
Ummm.....right. Out of sheer curiosity......These friends that're telling you that things will be different after marriage....how many of these friends are actually married themselves? And for how long?
BTW, even though your fiance is on your side.....so far he has not been able to get his family to show respect towards you or to your parents. I sincerely hope this changes. I'd hate to have your children in the future listen to their dad's family talk crap about their mom and her family.
Re: In - Laws in the wedding planning
i'm really glad you had a conversation with your mom! its very important they are aware of everything going on so all of you can make an informed decision together.
also, i stress again, things with his sisters- generation gap or not- need to improve now before you proceed with this marriage. you can't marry him hoping things will change afterwards because they will not. that is almost a guarantee.
Re: In - Laws in the wedding planning
yep. can't change people. could only change yourself, which in turn can change the situation.
In - Laws in the wedding planning
^^ agree with afshi!! If u end up marrying into their family then be the bigger person by not swearing off the stuff they gave u to wear. U are stuck with them for life, by showing them kindness you can maybe compel them to see the wrong in their actions. Desi families are very protective of their sons and almost treat them as property and desi husbands become the rope thats held by the saas team and the bahu team. Just go into this with a open heart and keep your parents in the loop about the pre-shaadi fiasco.
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I hope things go well for you FD but I agree with so many others here who say that things need to change now...not at some point in the future.
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Thanks again for the numerous responses and support! This has really helped me and talking to my mom about it took a huge burden off my shoulders. Parents always know these things and my mom sensed that. They always try to act all sweet in front of others but what they pulled about the "well then we arent giving her stuff if you wont agree to give him his attire" was a SHOCK to everyone.
My fiance told me he will get me my attire as we discussed before (he made the payment). At the end of the day it isnt about who pays for what. Its about the respect. He also said he has my back and I should just trust him to make the right decsions.
Re: In - Laws in the wedding planning
What I understood from this situation is your in-laws are kind of old fashioned and they know you are not.. they are just trying to create a drama so that larki walay dabb jayen gay..! I suggest your parents should talk with them if they bring this up again.. tell them humaray yahan aisa hi hota hai and this is all we can give to your son.. not to mention we're giving him our precious daughter!!
DO NOT listen to their demands.. when ur not doing it see how your finance reacts is he still on your side or what.. tell him its his turn to stand up and stop this drama.. but just dont give a damn to their disgusting demands
I am glad that you dont have to live with them and your fiance knows they have a different mental capability.. prayers with u!
Re: In - Laws in the wedding planning
i ont think is a hge deal .. no in law siuation is perfect .. if they want to choose what ur gona wear .. let them .. big deal .. if thers certian things they want u r families side to get for their son on the wedding then just do it .. theyr just pooring thier shauks .. n nignore the rest of the stuff .. when the sisters realised that after makign hungama .. u ignored them n treated them nice then theyll feel ashamaed n start reating u like their best buddy .. trust me i saw this .. the more u retalite the worse its gona get .. but if u just give back love only then situation has more chances of improving .. trust me im seing lots in law siuation s around me n thats the best way to go .. pleez dont become a vengful vindictive girl .. otherwise u may turn into bad guy soon .. n dont talk aobut hem anymore at all iwth ur fiance whatever they do .. he stuck int eh middle n he ll appreciate ur compromising n compassionate attituide .. good luck