In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

Lifestyle Relationships
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Okay so my parents arranged my marriage in some family that our family has old ties with (non-relatives). My mother assumed that when I said I need time to think this over, I meant yes but couldn’t say it because I was shy. Anyhow, I was okay with it as I didn’t have any particular “girl of my dreams”.
So the girl looks fine and all, we get married and now I find out that she has an incurable skin condition, Psoriasis. You can imagine my shock when we first got the chance to be alone after marriage. I didn’t know what to say but it was a big turn off for me. I have tried to ignore this and haven’t even told my parents or anyone about this.
Now the problem is that her condition has become worse and is spreading on her body. I can ignore the fact now that we have a beautiful kid and I am not a @$$hole who will leave someone because of some medical condition but the problem is, I do not find her sexually attractive any longer. The last time we performed any marital act was two months ago and that too only after she complained. I have lost all my urges, and even when I do feel something, her condition turns me off. I support her in every way and have spent a lot of money on different treatments but the best we get is the skin blisters going away for a few days until her body develops resistance to the meds, then it is back on again.
I think I was deceived in that I was not told by her or her parents before we got married of her condition even though we had been engaged for a few months and had talked a lot during that time. I try not to compare my wife with other women but somehow in my sub-conscious, this automatically happens and it makes me so depressed that I have stopped taking care of myself. I used to be a very athletic and energetic young man but now at just thirty, I have lost a lot of hair, grown a pot belly and given up all sorts of physical activities.
Has anybody else been in this situation before? How did you handle this? How did you overcome the sense of something missing from your life? Do you think my in-laws deceived me by not telling me about her incurable condition?

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

Jeez, its psoriasis, not HIV so It wasn't something that serious at the time I guess that they had to tell you.

But if it has gotten worse over the years, well suck it up thats marriage!

Sometimes I think we all should sleep with each other before marrying so as not to get a surprise on D day

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

OK that is a tough situation to be in. I am not sure what to say.

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

Op,

I quoted these two comments from your original post and I want you to reflect over them:

1) Just like you used go be an athletic and energetic young man with a full crop of hair on your head, perhaps your wife had once been a young girl with smooth skin. Unless she was born with psoriasis, I'm guessing she developed the condition much later.....and before that point....she maybe had smooth, normal, healthy skin.

If she developed this skin condition at a young age, then imagine the many years of her life that she has spent with psoriasis. Imagine her physical discomfort, imagine her emotional/psychological pain, imagine the hit to ber self-esteem that she must have experienced in her youth while she saw other girls around her that had normal skin. Imagine her pain and her fears that existed in her heart and mind way before she even agreed to marry you. Girls, by nature, are very sensitive about these matters....so I bet you there were many times (before her marriage) that she thought to herself, "What will my future husband think? Will he leave me for something out of my control?" Put yourself in her shoes and imagine her thought process. I have a cousin in Pakistan who suffered a skin condition for many years and was mercilessly teased by many people. And one of my cousins, with a rather cruel tongue, once told her....."How the heck will your future husband endure having physical relations with you?" Imagine how embarrassed and hurt she must have felt. That cousin is now getting married in the next few days and I hope that her husband treats her with love and mercy.

2) You have only just now started to lose your hair. What if you had lost your hair in your teens ...and had to endure this defect for a longer duration in the same way your wife has had to endure her psoriasis for years?

3) Has your wife rejected you for your hair loss and pot belly? Does she refuse to sleep with you because you don't have a full head of hair ...and because you are not as physically fit as you once were?

4) When your wife is fully clothed....you don't see her psoriasis. But she has to live with the condition...she feels it on her skin even when it's not in plain view.

5) If you were to marry another woman....one without a skin disorder....what guarantee will you have that with the passage of time she won't become overweight or flabby or that her hair will start thinning....and thus she'll become less sexually attractive?

Now that I have addressed your first comment, I'll move on to your second one, "How do you overcome the sense of missing something from your life?"

^^^^ You should ask your wife this question. Ask her how she felt all those years when she was missing her confidence and her peace of mind due to her psoriasis. Ask her.....cuz if there's anyone close to home that would understand the feeling of "missing something" or of being "deprived of something".....it's your wife. She may be able to answer this question of yours better than us.

She is more than just the skin on her body....which will eventually turn into dust....just as yours will when you die....when we ALL die. Looks fade over time. Even if you were to marry Miss Universe with skin like butter.....your attraction will lessen over time as her looks will fade over time. And passion also lessens over time. Relationships evolve with time...their dynamics evolve....so hopefully one's spouse has other qualities (besides looks) that add value to the relationship.

By value...I mean......think about the following things:

1) Is she a good, loving mother?
2) Does she respect your parents?
3) Is she kind to others?
4) Does she cook, clean, take good care of your home?
5) Does she deal with you in a respectful and patient manner?

For a woman to quietly and patiently go to one doctor after another at her husband's urging......for her to put up with him not wanting to be physical with her......that takes a lot of strength of character....and not everyone has that trait. She may not always express it verbally, but she must know deep down that her condition puts you off and imagine living with that kind of rejection daily.

Don't just think of your own suffering, put yourself in her shoes and think about her experience. Have mercy on her. We are living in times when marriages are devoid of mercy.

*** Apart from seeking medical cures, I also suggest that you look into ruqyah....which is healing thru the use of Quran and Allah's names.

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

@Tempe5t Very well said!

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

Psoriasis is a genetic condition triggered with stress.. Treatments wont work as well of you are under stress at all times..
I really feel for your wife.. Putting up with a very physical rejection must be really really tough

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

In addition....

To answer your question, "Yes, your in-laws were wrong in not disclosing this to you." You can choose to forgive them or begrudge them for the rest of your life. If you do the latter......what will you truly gain from it?

You can confront them for their error.....and the most they can do is say sorry...perhaps tearfully.

You can punish them by leaving their daughter.......but does that make you a bigger man or a bigger person? And besides......aren't you already punishing their daughter anyways by rejecting her through your body language.....and thru the distance that you are keeping from her? Isn't that punishment enough for her parents to know that their daughter is being rejected day in and day out by her husband? When does it end for her? In her youth....before her marriage to you.....she sufferer the physical/emotional/mental agony of her skin disorder.......and then after marriage she continues to endure that agony.....and then if you were to divorce her or get another wife .....she will suffer the pain/humiliation of that rejection. So, when does it end for her?

May Allah reward you for seeking medical treatment for your wife and for bearing those expenses.......but dua has a lot of power too. Try to clear your heart toward her, try to show her mercy and love, try to seek the good qualities in her......even if one of those good qualities is the courage with which she has faced this condition.....Make dua to Allah that he cure her and that He put love/mercy in your marriage.

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In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

Tempe5t said it all.

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

'Allah vaaste' apnii biwii aur unke vaalidain ko mo'aaf farmaate huye apnii faraaGh-dili kaa muzaahirah kijiiye. inshaa Allah, Allah aapko is kaar-e-Khair kii bharpoor jazaa degaa. insaan ko mo'aamilaat aur soorat-e-Haal se nimaTne kii Allah ne bharpoor salaaHiyat dii hai aur usko ba-roor-kaar laane ke liye insaan ko baRii taaqat di hai...Khush rahiye aur apnii family kii dekh bhaal kijiiye aur Allah aapke liye bahtar karegaa...aameen

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

Considering I know a lady who divorced her husband on the first night after discovering his lack of hair... This could easily turn on you. You have your own example that proves that a person with no obvious flaws can develop them later in life. You are make your own life hell or heaven, the ball is in your court.

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Re: In-laws hid wife’s physical issues before marriage

It’s a very undesirable situation for both of you.

It was your right to know about her skin disease (if she was aware of it) and now what is happening now is equally painful for both of you.

My sincere advise to you is to do Sabr and Allah will reward you in countless ways. You have been wronged but try to find good in her and love her for that , she is your wife and mother of your kid and you need to create a happy & loving home for your kid.

Best wishes :flower1:

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

Okay first of all, I have never mentioned this to my wife. As I said in my original post, I am not an A-hole. I respect her and try to be as happy around her as I can. The idea of leaving her for this one problem is absurd. If I had wanted to leave her, I would have done that before we had a kid.
I only need help in overcoming this depression that I am facing. As I mentioned previously, this is all in my subconscious. I just want to get rid of these depressing thoughts.

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

I have been thru depression and I sympathize with you, but if it's her psoriasis that's bringing you down....think about how she feels cuz she's the one who acutally has the condition. When one has depression, their perception becomes skewed or warped....one magnifies a particular thing to such an extent and keeps focusing on that one thing that all the other things ....the good things....fade into the peripherals of their mind. So, perspective and priorities need adjustment.

The purpose of urging u in my previous post to think from your wife's perspective was so that you could remove the focus from yourself ....so that instead of dwelling on how her condiction has affected your body and your hair and your sanity and "me me me me"....to her. To shift the perspective.

In the hadith where men are advised that if they don't like something in your wife, look to the things that you do like about her. So the hadith is urging the person to shift their perspective....to not dwell and magnify that one aspect of their spouse that they don't like. What more can one say? What are your options? You could leave her...but by your admission you find that option to be absurd. You could get another wife...but you may find that to be unreasonable as well. If you want to remain with her.....and it seems like you want to.....then you'll have to push yourself to shift your perspective. You can opt to seek help for your depression thru medication and counseling....and even that would entail shift in perspective. And if you don't want to rely in those interventions, then seek help from Allah. Ask Him regularly to make it easy for you to overlook your wife's skin problem....and to strengthen your marriagr and being you two closer....to increase mutual love....and that He cure her completely.

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

I have been very depressed in my life too and believe me the only thing that can help you in strengthening your relationship with Allah. Because it helps you coming into terms/accepting your life, what you have & what you don't. The believe in your heart that Allah will keep you the way He wants and will give you what He wants to give you, will ultimately give you peace of mind . You will have to trust Allah and his decisions, there is no other option.

Your wife's condition is may be a test from Allah that's why I advise you to do Sabr.

Pray and pray hard and ask for your peace of mind from Him.

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

You said it all i guess :) beauty lies in the eye of the beholder .................. A great man is the one who sees and accept the scars of the woman than a beautiful face an body :)

I can never accept a man who don't respect me more than he loves me for me respect as a human is more important than LOVE .........coz if he respects me I am sure he loves me too

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

Ok dude, don't look for the ILS to put the blame on!! That is low low low

Man up and deal with it. Jesus!!! you did find her attractive to have a kid? And God knows how bad she feels about her own self? You gotta be her support

Ok and what if you somehow lose a leg or I dunno a godamn foot or something? Your woman be like I cant do that no more --- that's disgusting! Who would wanna screw a one-legged/foot man.... Eeeeeewwww

You just said you lost all your hair and have a pot belly -- who knows how many people find that disgusting including your own wife?

There are treatments available to control it, you gotta dish out the money though

Good luck and grow up seriously

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

Is there any treatment to this disease?

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

Well for starters, start getting involved in all the physical activities you used to do before. Your wife's Psoriasis did not cause you to be out of shape. Getting back to being physically active will help your depression. You can't control your wife's Psoriasis. But you have 100% control over your own physical well-being. And being physically active and being in shape will also set a good example for your kids.

Speaking of kids, you keep saying "a kid". Yet last year, in one of your posts you wrote that you have 2 kids....one in 1st grade and one in pre-school. Can you please clarify exactly how many kids you have?

Also, help your wife when it comes to controlling the Psoriasis. One of my close friends has this condition. I remember years ago her outbreaks were severe. Traditional medicine didn't work for her so she turned to alternatives (She's Indian). She became 100% vegetarian because she figured out that for her, meat wasn't helping. She also got very involved in yoga/meditation to help decrease daily stress. And she does other alternative medicine stuff (I don't know too many details of this). But all these life changes have made a HUGE difference for her b/c she hasn't had a outbreak in a few years. We know stress is a factor is causing flareups so do what you can to help minimize your wife's stress. And help her understand what her triggers are and help her control those triggers (which in turn will help your own depression).

P.S. If you're not able to handle your depression on your own, then don't hesitate getting help from a counselor.

There are things that people can do to try to minimize the outbreaks. But there is no cure.

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

So you aren't exactly the epitome of a stud muffin, I wonder how your wife feels about the change in your physical appearance?
If you are so put off by psoriasis, how do you think she feels about herself? Ever consider that? Get over yourself and stop laying the blame where it isn't due.

Educate yourself about psoriasis. If topical therapies are not helping, there are options for systemic therapy. Please have her evaluated by a doctor who specializes in psoriasis, like a rheumatologist or a dermatologist.

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Re: In-laws hid wife's physical issues before marriage

for someone whose wife has psoriasis, you seem to know very little about it. why is that?