I’m a long time viewer of threads but first time posting on here.. I have quite a bit of a story so will get to it, just need some honest advice on the situation.
I apologize in advance as it’s a bit long.
First a bit about me, I was born and raised in Canada and my husband is from Pak and moved here in his teens for studies. We had a love marriage and everything has been fine for us Alhumdhulila. Have been married 4 years now, no kids at the moment but planning on soon.
Anyways, my BIL had an arranged marriage 2 years ago and since his engagement and up until now my in-laws have been nothing but cruel to his wife.
I know you think but it was arranged so why? But my MIL has always showed favour towards my husband because he sends money every month and basically helps them out financially back in Pakistan. They never really saved any money for the future (I don’t know why and never got into it as its their personal matter) but I’ve never stopped my husband either because I get it, they are his parents.
But I cannot stand the way my MIL has treated my bhabhi. From the moment my BIL brought her into their home, my MIL has completely changed.
She complains if they spend time together as hubby/wife, she complains if she wakes up late and she complains if we send anything from here for her. It’s absolutely ridiculous. Last year it had come to a point where my BIL wanted to buy his own place but he couldn’t afford it. We offered to help but he’s too proud and won’t take any money. So his wife continued to suffer. Despite my BIL getting into constant fights with his parents, they do not change and see no fault in their behaviour. My FIL has changed a lot due to MIL and has even on occasion swore at her and her khandaan. She handles all of the household duties and my MIL doesn’t lift a finger. Every shalwar kameez I have gifted her (after giving my MIL more) she has taken from her. I have seen this with my own eyes when we visited them and my husband and I tried to sumjaa her many times but it’s of no use. She just complains that my bhabhi has brainwashed us against her.
They had a baby just recently (she’s 2 months) and again MIL has created a lot of drama in the home. She doesn’t like it when she takes her daughter to visit her parents, and recently said that we shouldn’t keep in contact with her because she is feeding us wrong info against her. Everyday my MIL calls us up crying and saying nasty things about my bhabhi. I don’t like talking behind someone’s back so I’ve always tried to steer her away from it as well but nothing has worked these past 2 years… Now my BIL is considering divorce as the constant fights between MIL and his wife have slowly destroyed their marriage.
I don’t want their daughter to suffer in all of this, and I don’t know how to make my MIL understand that she is destroying her son’s marriage. The drama back home has affected my husband as well because of my MIL’s constant phone calls and tension. She calls at any time and even while he is at work. It’s very frustrating and hard. We have asked her multiple times why she doesn’t like our bhabhi but she has no answer to this question. She just keeps going on about no one knowing the value of a mother and no one knowing what respect means these days.
so your BIL is ready to abandon his own daughter because of his parents?
This is what pisses me off about people who say "hawww a guy can never abandon his parents!" and "parents can do no wrong!"......parents who destroy a marriage, and leaving your wife and child bc your mommy tells you to....is beyond despicable.
Is there any way you can reach out your BIL and guide him down the right path? Islamically, the parents have no right to destroy a marriage, and anyone who says so.....really needs to check their priorities. Such women and men who do this dont' deserve sympathy or kindness.
I completely agree with you, I never thought parents could destroy their own child's marriage but my in-laws have done just that. And only for pride because they see no fault in their constant meddling and putting down of my Bhabhi.
To tell you the truth, my BIL use to always defend my bhabhi but when he isn't at home my MIL does all these things and acts kindly when he is. I don't even understand myself why he's considering a divorce because of his parents but to be honest that seems like what my MIL had wanted all along.
My husband and I have been calling him from Canada and messaging/texting but he seems to be ignoring us. He loves his daughter a lot and I know him and my bhabhi were great friends when their marriage started out, so him seeking a divorce is very shocking for us as well.
The same happens in many houses back in Pakistan. The best thing for your BIL is to move to a new place. You say that your husband helps his parents financially so there should be no issue on that front.
At least you have a FIL who can stay in the house when your BIL moves out. I've seen similar situation where the guy is the only man in the house and he is stuck there. He cannot move out as there is no other male to take care of his mother and the mother will not get along with his wife so there is constant tension.
Might turn out to be a blessing in disguise for your bhabhi.
But I wonder how do u know, how ur MIL is acting while you are in Knayda.
We actually wouldn't have known if many relatives didn't contact my husband , even some of his best friends who would go and visit.
But like I said, I've seen it first hand as well when we visited. Have spoken up against it, but she always gets the blame for that too..
The best thing you can do is be a support system for your Bhabi. Be the person she can confide in. In such cases of abuse, the person being abused doesn't even realize it until they are taught that they have rights and they too can stand up for themselves.
I know you mean it well and all but I would be careful getting in the middle of all this. Let your husband speak to his brother and try to knock some sense into his head. He's too proud to take a loan from his own brother but sees no problem in divorcing his wife and abandoning (I don't have a better word) his little daughter? Boggles my mind. He needs to man up and take his responsibilities seriously..
What is it with families causing fire in their own homes? I think this cultural region is the only area where people will actually try to hurt their own kids, whether it means an honor killing or down to daily squabbles forcing their kids to divorce their spouses. What the heck is wrong with people?
Unfortunately an all too common story among desis. Plenty of examples I can think of also.
I think you should continue being a support system for your bhabhi. I am sure it means a lot to her. At the same time supporting your Bil to move out or reason to your mil to change her views. Does your mother have anyone influential in her life who can convince her to change views?
Why does your mil hate your bhabhi? I know there's not a reason but was there conflict between the khandans or something?
Stories like this are upsetting. Why are women each other's worse enemy? Why can't a mil treat her dil like daughter? Why can't a sister in law treat her bhabhi like a sister? Some do but why not all.
If your Bil cannot protect his wife from this torture, cannot move out and is going to extent of divorce, is she really better off with being in family then separate? What if one day worse happens like it does in some desi families? No offence intended to your in laws. I'm sure they are lovely in some ways.
The only reason I can honestly think of for my MIL's behaviour towards her is just not being the centre of attention anymore... as childish as it sounds, she never really had to compete with another woman in the household before. They don't have a sister and when I was married into the family, my husband and I were living abroad and still are, so I was never exposed to this and it comes as a shocker to me because my MIL is completely different with me.
My bhabhi comes from a not so wealthy background, which my MIL always brings up ... I don't really know why? But I've also seen instances where MIL gets angry if my hubby and I send anything for bhabhi from abroad. I sent her and MIL a handbag but for some reason my MIL didn't want me to send her anything...
I do think that them separating is the only option at this point, but despite destroying their marriage my in-laws do not see anything wrong with their behaviour at all which boggles my mind. I don't understand either how parents can ruin their child's marriage, especially with an infant involved now. I've never been one to take sides but my Bhabhi is always the one to bow down and compromise, and it seems with every fight, my MIL's demands just keep getting more and more ridiculous. One example is she doesn't want me to have any contact with her whatsoever, only through her, wherein she will listen to our convo over the phone. She seems to think my bhabhi poisons our minds towards her?
As the situation currently stands, my hubby has been able to knock some sense into my BIL and he doesn't want to divorce her either, I guess it was just a moment of frustration. But he also doesn't want us to financially support him either... so I don't really understand what he's going to do to resolve this matter. My bhabhi is currently staying at her own parents place with their daughter as the situation at home is quite tense.
Unfortunately an all too common story among desis. Plenty of examples I can think of also.
I think you should continue being a support system for your bhabhi. I am sure it means a lot to her. At the same time supporting your Bil to move out or reason to your mil to change her views. Does your mother have anyone influential in her life who can convince her to change views?
Why does your mil hate your bhabhi? I know there's not a reason but was there conflict between the khandans or something?
I think it just stems from jealousy in all honesty. I'm very close to my bhabhi and given that we're very close in age we have more similarities and interests in common. My MIL is also a very traditional type of woman, wheras she doesn't like displays of affection between hubby and wife in front of her.. like holding hands while out, feeding each other, etc. MY hubby and I have never done that in front of anyone. But my BIL and Bhabhi made that mistake when they were newlyweds and it just pissed her off...
It's basically small things which have turned into this sheer hatred for her. Even like simple things like "they didn't ask my opinion on this... or that"
They had an arranged marriage, while my own was love. So there was never an issue of a fight between the khandaans. But now yeah there is a lot of tension between the two families.
Um correction: Happens in backwards Hindu culture where we get these lovely habits. Happy?
Amber, I think it's great you keep in touch with the girl. I'd stay in touch with her and give her encouragement to keep the marriage going. If this was happening to me, I'd probably call it quits and file for a divorce and take the MIL to the lawyers and judge for an emotional abuse lawsuit and try to get some $$ from her in the process to put her in her place.
That's what these MIL's need. A proper punishment for this sort of behavior.
^No. I disagree. I understand that education has made Desi girls more independent which is a good thing, but on the flip side I feel it has made our generation less patient so it doesn't take much for our empowered selves to throw in the towel. And no, PCG, I am not taking a jab at you; this is a general comment. If this woman has a husband who loves her and if she shares an otherwise good equation with him without MIL's shenanigans, she shouldn't give MIL the power to end her marriage and deprive her baby daughter of the blessing of having two parents who live under the same roof. Three people's lives being hurt because of one person? No. If OP knows that they have an overall good marriage and that BIL is a good husband, they shouldn't give up. It's easy for us to say that if we were in that situation, we would do xyz. But when you're actually in the relation, deciding isn't so easy. Emotions are complex, and on top of that they have to consider future consequences for themselves and their baby.
^ I agree, hence why I am encouraging Amber to stay in touch with her. I'm just saying if I was in that situation, that's what I'd probably end up doing.
She wants to be a mother to him yet she doesnt want him to be a father to his child. How selfish and ungrateful on her part to actually drive away him away from his most important role as a husband and father. I think you should let your husband talk some sense in his brother and parents that nothing good can ever come out of breaking up a marriage.
Um correction: Happens in backwards Hindu culture where we get these lovely habits. Happy?
Amber, I think it's great you keep in touch with the girl. I'd stay in touch with her and give her encouragement to keep the marriage going. If this was happening to me, I'd probably call it quits and file for a divorce and take the MIL to the lawyers and judge for an emotional abuse lawsuit and try to get some $$ from her in the process to put her in her place.
That's what these MIL's need. A proper punishment for this sort of behavior.
No doubt this happens a lot in desi cultures, regardless of religion. A backwards mentality is a backwards mentality. I am sure it also happens in middle eastern cultures as well not just subcontinent. Only difference being Pakistani laws are probably more progressive and protective of women than those in middle east. Of course Western laws are better then subcontinent.