Re: in-laws destroying BIL's marriage
Right, we got these traditions from Arabs, a population that actually never ruled the subcontinent, or lived on it much.
Let's get real. A lot of the backwards crap that goes on in Pakistan is deeply rooted to traditions dating back to pre-Islamic traditions. And who was on that land before muslims? You got it baby.
Re: in-laws destroying BIL's marriage
Um correction: Happens in backwards Hindu culture where we get these lovely habits. Happy?
Amber, I think it's great you keep in touch with the girl. I'd stay in touch with her and give her encouragement to keep the marriage going. If this was happening to me, I'd probably call it quits and file for a divorce and take the MIL to the lawyers and judge for an emotional abuse lawsuit and try to get some $$ from her in the process to put her in her place.
That's what these MIL's need. A proper punishment for this sort of behavior.
Thanks :) Honestly she's one of my best friends ever since she and my BIL got married. We have a great bond and that's why her sadness really makes me feel so bad.
She doesn't want to end the marriage and nor does my BIL, I know that he's trying from his perspective to save enough for them to move out, and she's trying by going about doing the household duties, etc without making a peep. But it's just that it's not a way for someone to live their life forever.. which is why it makes me angry at my in-laws. My own MIL never lived with her MIL either and to this day has nothing good to say about her, so I just don't understand why she would repeat the same injustices onto someone else.
Re: in-laws destroying BIL's marriage
wrong post in wrong forum
Re: in-laws destroying BIL's marriage
Thanks :) Honestly she's one of my best friends ever since she and my BIL got married. We have a great bond and that's why her sadness really makes me feel so bad.
She doesn't want to end the marriage and nor does my BIL, I know that he's trying from his perspective to save enough for them to move out, and she's trying by going about doing the household duties, etc without making a peep. But it's just that it's not a way for someone to live their life forever.. which is why it makes me angry at my in-laws. My own MIL never lived with her MIL either and to this day has nothing good to say about her, so I just don't understand why she would repeat the same injustices onto someone else.
She is lucky to have you. There is still hope when there are females like you who are willing to stand up for other females in this situation. Hope the situation improves. I completely agree. Quality of life is important.
Re: in-laws destroying BIL's marriage
Your BIL should move out immediately. if he doesn't want to take money from you guys, then tell him to rent out a place which he could afford.
if your MIL is doing all this because she wants to be the center of attention and that she has always lived without any other female in the house, then she should not create any hurdles for the couple to move out because this way she could again live independently as it seems that she can't bear the presence of another female in the house.
Re: in-laws destroying BIL's marriage
Right, we got these traditions from Arabs, a population that actually never ruled the subcontinent, or lived on it much.
Let's get real. A lot of the backwards crap that goes on in Pakistan is deeply rooted to traditions dating back to pre-Islamic traditions. And who was on that land before muslims? You got it baby.
True it is that as well. I just wanted to say that Arabs and Africans have such things happen in their culture which may be influenced by their pre-Islamic and tribal cultures also.
Subcontinental history and traditions are exotic mixture of what you mention as well as persian, arabic, greek and buddhist influences (i.e. Buddhist monuments in Taxila). May not have been there too long but all these cultures left their mark. So let's share the blame equally and blame all those pre-Islamic cultures as well :) Just my view.
Pakistan, like all desi countries, may have some backwards pre Islamic culture but it also has rich culture like that of the Kalash tribal people unique to the area. They are fascinating.
Re: in-laws destroying BIL's marriage
No doubt this happens a lot in desi cultures, regardless of religion. A backwards mentality is a backwards mentality. I am sure it also happens in middle eastern cultures as well not just subcontinent. Only difference being Pakistani laws are probably more progressive and protective of women than those in middle east. Of course Western laws are better then subcontinent.
Actually, situations such as the one posted by the OP are not as common in the Middle East because they do not live in joint families (as this is not part of Arab culture), which is what results in much of the drama in Desi culture.
This doesn't mean that they don't have other issues which result in drama because every culture has those. In my observation though, typically, their drama is not of the "mother-in-law vs. daughter-in-law" variety.
Re: in-laws destroying BIL's marriage
Actually, situations such as the one posted by the OP are not as common in the Middle East because they do not live in joint families (as this is not part of Arab culture), which is what results in much of the drama in Desi culture.
This doesn't mean that they don't have other issues which result in drama because every culture has those. In my observation though, typically, their drama is not of the "mother-in-law vs. daughter-in-law" variety.
Yes I have to agree with you. I've noticed it that joint family living is more apparent in Pakistani/Indian households. And that's where things like this tend to happen more often. What I've also noticed is that in SOME households the DIL is always viewed as an outsider and never really considered as a daughter. Even after she has kids... it's very disheartening.
Re: in-laws destroying BIL's marriage
Actually, situations such as the one posted by the OP are not as common in the Middle East because they do not live in joint families (as this is not part of Arab culture), which is what results in much of the drama in Desi culture.
This doesn't mean that they don't have other issues which result in drama because every culture has those. In my observation though, typically, their drama is not of the "mother-in-law vs. daughter-in-law" variety.
I reckon at least 90% of marital problems in desi culture are to do with living with inlaws..
Like you said though other cultures have other problems.. In european culture it's perhaps more likely to be infidelity imo..
Re: in-laws destroying BIL's marriage
I reckon at least 90% of marital problems in desi culture are to do with living with inlaws..
Like you said though other cultures have other problems.. In european culture it's perhaps more likely to be infidelity imo..
i don't think so,because in the last 8-9 years at least in Pakistan the trend has shifted from joint families to nuclear families. more and more families are now living separately from in-laws and yet the marital problems have risen up in Pakistan in the last decade like never before.
Re: in-laws destroying BIL's marriage
As the situation stands.. just to fill you guys in on whats going on..
My bhabhi's gone back to in-laws place, she's trying to make it work for the sake of her husband (my BIL), as he doesn't want to leave his parents on their own. I don't think he can really be persuaded to move out, nor do I think it's my place to ask him to do that so I'm not going to get in the middle of it. My husband says he's willing to help him out financially but BIL doesn't want the help. My bhabhi is basically being the bigger person here and trying to get past this. I admire her but honestly I hope my MIL has some kind of realization and feels some sort of embarrassment for her behaviour towards her.
But I've had pretty much no contact with my bhabhi which really sucks because I can't really see how she's coping with MIL or if things have improved in the situation at home. My MIL ended up reading one of our conversations by going through her phone and she doesn't want us chatting anymore. There was nothing directed towards her in hate but she still finds it a way to make it about her. So now I can only talk to my bhabhi when my BIL comes home from work and she uses his smartphone to come online. Sometimes she's so tired from the day's chores or just sits with hubby so most days she doesn't come online now. They have a laptop and tablet at home (which we sent them so we could keep in touch daily), but my MIL keeps them in her bedroom and now doesn't let her use them.
I don't really understand the situation at home to be honest... I can't really help my bhabhi being so far away and now my MIL seems to have cut most of our ways of communication. I feel like she's living in a jail rather than in her own home. And I'm feeling a bit angry at my BIL for not seeing how much this is affecting her.
Re: in-laws destroying BIL's marriage
i don't think so,because in the last 8-9 years at least in Pakistan the trend has shifted from joint families to nuclear families.** more and more families are now living separately from in-laws and yet the marital problems have risen up in Pakistan in the last decade like never before.**
I think it seems like they've risen when probably all that's happened is that women are slowly putting up with less rubbish than our mothers and grandmothers did.. they were expected to just keep quiet and never ever complain.. Whilst divorce still isn't totally accepted it's more of an option than it was 20/30/40 years ago..
Also there are more nuclear families but I definitely woudn't say that's the norm.. In most families it's still considered normal for the dil to move in after marriage, even it might not be forever and even when they aren't all together there's a tendency for the inlaws/elders to think they have the right to make decisions on behalf of other members of the family, tell them how to behave etc.