Wow, your MIL did not stay to see her grand kids? Thank God your parents were there. Not all of us are so lucky.
After I had my second one, I suffered a foot drop and was paralyzed in my left leg ( recovered now, MA), and this happened just when I moved three months before to another state. Thank God my dad had come from another country to take care of my elder one as we didn't have anyone to leave him with when I went to the hospital. My mom suffers from arthritis and couldn't travel. In laws did not come from Pakistan as they were busy at the moment. Dad could stay only a month and I started to get better only after six months when the doctors had said I would not get better and probably would have awful leg pain all my life.
I am grateful to my dad and fully agree that you should be grateful to anyone who does you even one iota of favor. But people in your life should also realize and help out. @anayakhan, I think you haven't been married very long. This is a common problem in a lot of households. Don't worry, just do your best. They don't live with you anyway.
I would have to disagree with this right here. Family is there to help if they want to. **I don't think it's anyone else's responsibility to help care for the baby, not dadi nor nani. If they **choose to do so, that's great and is a great help, but to have the expectation that it's there god given duty to take the baby so the new mom can sleep is wrong in my opinion. Like I said in my post above, expectations lead to disappointments.
My second pregnancy with my twins was extremely high risk. I had numerous complications, was on complete bed rest and had them early at 32 weeks, and I had a toddler to boot! I was staying at my mom's house M-F and then my husband would come get me and my son friday after noon to Sunday evening. My MIL was in town the entire time at my jait's just 20 minutes away. She did not step up to help one single day. In fact, she decided to go back to Pakistan exactly 5 days before I went into early labor, knowing full well that I would be delivering any day now. She didn't even stay to see her twin preemie grandchildren. My heart broke for my husband and at the time I was pissed that she didn't help out, but I soon realized that it was her choice and her loss. I could either resent her until the end of time or concentrate on my health and babies and make it work. Which I did. Even with my own mother, while I am forever grateful for her help, I never expected anything from her..she did her job raising us, now it's my turn to raise my own children. I never dumped my duties on her.
No, it's not a waste. You would be strengthening your marriage if you show hospitality and kindness to your husband's parents. You get your ajar from Allah. You'd be setting a good example for your child as to how to behave with family and especially elders that may be set in their ways and that are being difficult. So, no, it's not a waste. If your goal is only to please in-laws and win their praise and acceptance...then you will end up feeling exhausted and hurt. So look at the other benefits.
To not stand up against a wrongdoer and abuser is not Islam, children should not be taught to accept abuse, you are echoing the misogynist values missy. If she teaches her kids to accept abuse than that is not good parenting. Why aren't husbands required to cook and clean for the girls parents and expected and encouraged to take crap from them
To not stand up against a wrongdoer and abuser is not Islam, children should not be taught to accept abuse, you are echoing the misogynist values missy. If she teaches her kids to accept abuse than that is not good parenting. Why aren't husbands required to cook and clean for the girls parents and expected and encouraged to take crap from them
WTH? The OP isn't dealing with an abuser, maybe someone of manipulative nature but certainly not abusive. Stop making it seem like this is abuse. If we start accepting something as small as this abuse, we are in a world of surprises because everyone is just as abusive. No one is required to cook for anyone but when two or more people live under one roof, it just makes more sense to try to get along than not. If we question everyone's intentions, motives, and behavior, we are only going to disappoint ourselves. I made that mistake and it hurt me and my relationship with others.
WTH? The OP isn't dealing with an abuser, maybe someone of manipulative nature but certainly not abusive. Stop making it seem like this is abuse. If we start accepting something as small as this abuse, we are in a world of surprises because everyone is just as abusive. No one is required to cook for anyone but when two or more people live under one roof, it just makes more sense to try to get along than not. If we question everyone's intentions, motives, and behavior, we are only going to disappoint ourselves. I made that mistake and it hurt me and my relationship with others.
Compelling someone to do things against their wishes is classified as abuse, by the proposed standards a house servant has more rights than a wife, a servant gets off work sometimes, gets to visit his family, can quit on abuse and wont sleep with the boss. Relationships are based on equality and not obedience and subservience. I don't know any western mother who would encourage their daughter to put up with crap. If husband and wife agree on something that is the only thing that matters.
To not stand up against a wrongdoer and abuser is not Islam, children should not be taught to accept abuse, you are echoing the misogynist values missy. If she teaches her kids to accept abuse than that is not good parenting. Why aren't husbands required to cook and clean for the girls parents and expected and encouraged to take crap from them
If I have a saas who is nakchari by nature.....who is aadat se majboor in finding flaws in me or telling me how to do things......and let's add some other khoobiyan to her qualifications....maybe she never praises me....maybe she never compliments me on anything I cook or wear or give her.....maybe she excludes me from events....pretends not to see me when I'm in front of her....favors my jhetani and devrani over me....never gives me any gifts or makes it a point to give me cheap stuff.....pesters me about popping a baby.....smiles sweetly in my face and talks smack behind my back. As obnoxious and hurtful as these behaviors are should I cry "abuse" each and every time she pulls stuff like this?
I am not against calling out a person on their poor behavior and at times I've even advised it. It may shame them into reformation (fingers and eyes crossed). But it may do just the opposite; it may worsen relations. The repeat-offender may not think they've done anything wrong. Your husband may not be the kind who would choose his wife over his mother and shun the latter totally out of his life. He may be the kind that wants to maintain ties with his parents even though they're difficult. So, sometimes you have to pick your battles because sometimes it's more exhausting to confront or "stand up" for each and every offense.
Compelling someone to do things against their wishes is classified as abuse, by the proposed standards a house servant has more rights than a wife, a servant gets off work sometimes, gets to visit his family, can quit on abuse and wont sleep with the boss. Relationships are based on equality and not obedience and subservience. I don't know any western mother who would encourage their daughter to put up with crap. If husband and wife agree on something that is the only thing that matters.
You're reading way too much into this and becominh all "gung-ho" about it.
Has the OP been forbidden from visiting her family? Does she feel oppressed by her husband? Relationships also entail compromise and sabar and tolerance and sacrifice and a lil something called "dar-Guzar" which is sorely lacking in practically every kind of relationship these days....marital or otherwise. If two people begin to insist upon equality in every single matter.....you'll find that not only is it hard to create 50-50 equal dynamics or hisaab-kitaab....it can also strain a relationship. We Desis have our slew of problems but the West is a mess too....where equality and its assertion can be taken to the point where two people and their egos won't budge. There has to be balance and flexibilty. In trying to acheive a "perfect" balance, people forget about flexibility.
You're reading way too much into this and becominh all "gung-ho" about it.
Has the OP been forbidden from visiting her family? Does she feel oppressed by her husband? Relationships also entail compromise and sabar and tolerance and sacrifice and a lil something called "dar-Guzar" which is sorely lacking in practically every kind of relationship these days....marital or otherwise. If two people begin to insist upon equality in every single matter.....you'll find that not only is it hard to create 50-50 equal dynamics or hisaab-kitaab....it can also strain a relationship. We Desis have our slew of problems but the West is a mess too....where equality and its assertion can be taken to the point where two people and their egos won't budge. There has to be balance and flexibilty. In trying to acheive a "perfect" balance, people forget about flexibility.
I don't think I am reading too much into it. Marie is between 2 people, she is not married to her husband and his father at the same time. Her husband is okay with her staying at parents house as he wants his freedom also. Why is it always the woman who is advised to compromise. People cannot be compelled to do things without their wishes. In our laws that is abuse. It is no 50-50 here either woman seem to have more rights and we are okay with that.
If I have a saas who is nakchari by nature.....who is aadat se majboor in finding flaws in me or telling me how to do things......and let's add some other khoobiyan to her qualifications....maybe she never praises me....maybe she never compliments me on anything I cook or wear or give her.....maybe she excludes me from events....pretends not to see me when I'm in front of her....favors my jhetani and devrani over me....never gives me any gifts or makes it a point to give me cheap stuff.....pesters me about popping a baby.....smiles sweetly in my face and talks smack behind my back. As obnoxious and hurtful as these behaviors are should I cry "abuse" each and every time she pulls stuff like this?
I am not against calling out a person on their poor behavior and at times I've even advised it. It may shame them into reformation (fingers and eyes crossed). But it may do just the opposite; it may worsen relations. The repeat-offender may not think they've done anything wrong. Your husband may not be the kind who would choose his wife over his mother and shun the latter totally out of his life. He may be the kind that wants to maintain ties with his parents even though they're difficult. So, sometimes you have to pick your battles because sometimes it's more exhausting to confront or "stand up" for each and every offense.
Your society as a whole did not stand up against this kind of abuse and hence millions have to put up with this, our society did and no saas can dream about behaving this way here. MILs here are actually afraid of dils. Relationships are always based on mutual respect and equality what you describe is not really a relationship it is about power and control. A person who is willing to trade the love of his son over the power to abuse and rule is not worth having in your life anyways.
I agree .which is why i did apologize for not serving them more but clearly showed how i found it a bit typical.u can just ve said this to me here .
Now result shes not talking to me lol n my husbnd is askd to call them .complaint list shuru hogi
Also my own saas had a horrible susraal now she wud def want some revenge from me so yea
I agree .which is why i did apologize for not serving them more but clearly showed how i found it a bit typical.u can just ve said this to me here .
Now result shes not talking to me lol n my husbnd is askd to call them .complaint list shuru hogi
Also my own saas had a horrible susraal now she wud def want some revenge from me so yea
It hurts so much when you do your best but people are still complaining or are ungrateful. One time, My inlaws sat me down with my hubby and started complaining. We were living together and I was in school. They said that I should do the same amount of chores as my SIL who was a housewife. Hence, I told them that I was doing the best that I could and if they still have complaints than they can tell hubby to fulfill their expectations as he knows them best. I told them that I am not willing to compromise my education for any reason. I really think being straight up is the best because this way there are no crazy expectations. I would just tell them that I did the best I could and next time you can tell me what you would like and I will try to accommodate your requests.
When my wife had a c section baby, the nurse called me over and told me that first priority is the baby, second my wife and third me. Able bodied in-laws, garam rotis, parathas and masal a express weren't on the list. Just boggles my mind as to how selfish these people can be.
I know these damn gori nurses,wat do they know. How can the welfare of a newborn and convalescing new mom take precedence over in-laws zaika cuisine and entertainment.
I actually feel very sorry for you. It seems like you made quite an effort. A sick 6 month old is not easy at all. I'm so sorry. Glad hubby is on your side. I've seen this in-law act before, where they just need excuses to complain and harbour resentment and let things fester. Hope it gets better!
It hurts so much when you do your best but people are still complaining or are ungrateful. One time, My inlaws sat me down with my hubby and started complaining. We were living together and I was in school. They said that I should do the same amount of chores as my SIL who was a housewife. Hence, I told them that I was doing the best that I could and if they still have complaints than they can tell hubby to fulfill their expectations as he knows them best. I told them that I am not willing to compromise my education for any reason. I really think being straight up is the best because this way there are no crazy expectations. I would just tell them that I did the best I could and next time you can tell me what you would like and I will try to accommodate your requests.
Now this would piss me off. If we're old enough to get married in our parents eyes, do NOT sit us down and treat us like children. Plain and simple. Desi parents/in-laws have unreal expectations sometimes... And another big reason I'm not cool with the joint family system.
You can't win with some people. Im sure if you kept the baby with you and napped then you would have to hear that you're clingy with the baby and don't let anyone have him. And if you hand over the baby and go take a nap then youre not doing your job and being lazy.
Anyway, now that you know their personalities, just grow a thick skin and deal with it. You're lucky your husband supports you. You should always be your best and be as hospitable as you can with your inlaws. They'll come around eventually and accept you.
I know it hurts when when people complain about something you were genuinely nice about, but that's life and you have to grow a thick skin.
Part of the package when you get married to a desi dude. Especially if it was not arranged.
Your hubby sounds supportive, you have everything going for you. Why do you care? Next time they are in, you do what you would do for any family member like the last time. It is your home, they are YOUR guests. You know you tried!