Dai disagree with post 2 and 16 - focusing too much on one sentence that had pamper in it and missing the big picture.
OP has done nothing wrong here. As for baby being her responsibility, in laws woukd Complain about that also if they didn't get time to "pamper" baby.
Post 4 all the way
Agree with your first point. I may be wrong but I detect a language barrier. I don't think she's trying to be princessy. I think what she meant by pampering was not that she expects to be spoiled and waited on hand and foot.....but rather that she feels that her in-laws are less flexible or tolerant with her as she wasn't their first choice for a wife for their son.
However, I disagree with your cheering for post number 4 though I've nothing against the poster. I may be naive but I believe that you strengthen the bond with your spouse by showing kindness to the people that are important to them. I would have more respect for my spouse if he shows kindness to the people I love (my family) even when they are being difficult. Displaying an "I don't give a fook" attitude in front of them will only make things worse. Now...if....after doing your best by your in-laws....you decide to not to take to heart their lack of appreciation...to not let it consume you...woh theek hai.
They seem to be horribly selfish, controlling rude and manipulative people. It is horrid to expect a mother of newborn to serve and cater to whims of fully functional adults. Grand parents when they come to visit are supposed to help taking care of the infant. Why do people complain about looking after an infant. It is horribly ill mannered and inconsiderate to complain about the hosts cooking. Will op be allowed to go to in-laws home and complain about her housekeeping.
It is your house now and if they cant behave like civilized humans then they shouldn't be allowed in you house. Your first responsibility is your child, not grown up able bodied control freaks ad if they interfere with your duties to you child then you are required to keep them away.
I agree with you re your 2nd para. I didn't mean don't care about them at all and to heck with them. What I meant was - OP and her husband did what they thought was best. The dramay baaz in laws were two faced. We're fine to their face. And complained afterwards. With such people, you have to PROTECT yourself and NOT get sucked into their drama. To that extent, yes, Fook applies. Doesn't mean you should not care about them or their feelings. But if their feelings are grounded on irrational and self serving ideology, then yeah, f with a double o, with or without a k
Here’s the way I see it, you can’t expect your inlaws to treat you like their own daughter, why would they? They haven’t raised you, or been around you for 18+ years or have any vested interest in you. If the love and acceptance grows organically over time then that is wonderful, but if it doesn’t, then it is
what it is. Remain cordial and respectful, nothing more, nothing less.
If you go in expecting to be on a level playing field, you’re going to sorely disappointed. As long as your husband has your back, nothing else should matter. Complaining, comparing, stewing etc…it gets you nowhere except that khud ka dimagh kharaab hota hai. Some people will never change or understand you so the sooner you stop expecting them to, the better off you will be. Zero expectations on your part = zero let downs/disappointments on your part. People can only treat you how you allow them to. I’m an 18 year veteran of the inlaws war lol, so take my advice or leave it, it’s up to you .
And @Southie Uncle…mainay kya aap ki billi churai hai jo aap post 2 aur post 16 par aitaraaz karrain?
You people ve given such wonderful advices!
I just misunderstood n thought we ve moved on n me n them will be like really good .cuz i ve seen good saas bahu relations in my khaandaan
I apologized n explained but i feel shes pissed tht i shudnt ve replied to her complaints as she had never to her mil.
Her mil is still alive n has given her bad time n her husband didnt support her too at tht time so she says we should do same (openly) and shud not answer back .like just say sorry n shush
To be honest ;i feel like i cant ever please them
Wen they came over first time it had been a month to my c-sec n i served them really well .by the time they were leaving they were v happy with me .but yday they complained that even that time i did not do enough.n didnt meet their expectations
So anyways i think they ll never change .arghh
You people ve given such wonderful advices!
I just misunderstood n thought we ve moved on n me n them will be like really good .cuz i ve seen good saas bahu relations in my khaandaan
I apologized n explained but i feel shes pissed tht i shudnt ve replied to her complaints as she had never to her mil.
Her mil is still alive n has given her bad time n her husband didnt support her too at tht time so she says we should do same (openly) and shud not answer back .like just say sorry n shush
To be honest ;i feel like i cant ever please them
Wen they came over first time it had been a month to my c-sec n i served them really well .by the time they were leaving they were v happy with me .but yday they complained that even that time i did not do enough.n didnt meet their expectations
So anyways i think they ll never change .arghh
Respect, love and caring is a two way street. The world has changed. We don't live in tribal hierarchical societies where they are owed respect and subservience They can chose to not love you, not be considerate and put their sick egos ahead of their grand child and ahead of the mother of their and child but then you owe them nothing. My rule is people who love you and their actions help you, they are family. People who do this kind of stuff are making their choice and it is up to them to decide if they want to be family.
Wow, your saas is quite young! And young enough to be from the more "aware" generation". And yes, they should have helped with baby. People who are constantly getting by on a few hours of sleep sometimes snap or make bad mistakes. Family is there to help. I guess they are the type who will find fault no matter what! But the next time, ask them what they want. One of the posters here has said that people offer help and that get made when people take the help. That is true. Unless, your MIL insists absolutely, do not think she will cook every day etc. I have seen instances where MILs get mad when they are not allowed to cook, so tread carefully.
And yes, they should have helped with baby. People who are constantly getting by on a few hours of sleep sometimes snap or make bad mistakes. Family is there to help.
I would have to disagree with this right here. Family is there to help if they want to. **I don't think it's anyone else's responsibility to help care for the baby, not dadi nor nani. If they **choose to do so, that's great and is a great help, but to have the expectation that it's there god given duty to take the baby so the new mom can sleep is wrong in my opinion. Like I said in my post above, expectations lead to disappointments.
My second pregnancy with my twins was extremely high risk. I had numerous complications, was on complete bed rest and had them early at 32 weeks, and I had a toddler to boot! I was staying at my mom's house M-F and then my husband would come get me and my son friday after noon to Sunday evening. My MIL was in town the entire time at my jait's just 20 minutes away. She did not step up to help one single day. In fact, she decided to go back to Pakistan exactly 5 days before I went into early labor, knowing full well that I would be delivering any day now. She didn't even stay to see her twin preemie grandchildren. My heart broke for my husband and at the time I was pissed that she didn't help out, but I soon realized that it was her choice and her loss. I could either resent her until the end of time or concentrate on my health and babies and make it work. Which I did. Even with my own mother, while I am forever grateful for her help, I never expected anything from her..she did her job raising us, now it's my turn to raise my own children. I never dumped my duties on her.
I think u misunderstood.i never expected them to take care of him but they wud happily take him from me in the morning to play with him.thats all.later on they complained n stuff .plus i fed him i changed his diaper etc they didnt.they wud play with him fr 2 hours .hes a happy baby n doesnt evn cry
She knew i was up n they cud hear his voice.tbh itna politically kon sochta ha that oh i shudnt give him to them or i shudnt open the door.life is simple but ppl make it complicated
Haha because u give ur daughter to son in law unki to her waqt aarti utarni hoty ha .my mil is head over heels for her son in law lol
I would have to disagree with this right here. Family is there to help if they want to. **I don't think it's anyone else's responsibility to help care for the baby, not dadi nor nani. If they **choose to do so, that's great and is a great help, but to have the expectation that it's there god given duty to take the baby so the new mom can sleep is wrong in my opinion. Like I said in my post above, expectations lead to disappointments.
I didn't get the vibe that she expected them to take care of the baby. By pampering...I got the feeling that she meant they don't have much tolerance or flexibility for her....not that she expects them to cater to her whims.
In this case the in-laws did CHOOSE to take care of the baby. If you wanna do someone a favor or an ehsaan....baad main jataao mat....you only end up cheapening your good deeds.
Op's didn't see any of this coming...she's stunned and baffled...it's natural. She's trying to process all of this and that can take time.
If this experience has taught her that they will never be pleased with her, then all she can do is to continue being kind to them but don't harbor any expectations of acceptance from them. Be good to them to maintain her marriage. As long as her husband sees that she's genuinely making an effort...that's all that matters.
Agreed.why waste energy to please them.even Allah has made this farz on us
No, it's not a waste. You would be strengthening your marriage if you show hospitality and kindness to your husband's parents. You get your ajar from Allah. You'd be setting a good example for your child as to how to behave with family and especially elders that may be set in their ways and that are being difficult. So, no, it's not a waste. If your goal is only to please in-laws and win their praise and acceptance...then you will end up feeling exhausted and hurt. So look at the other benefits.
