In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Can't you hire an assassin to take care of your MIL ? Just kidding. You are doing good with your jee acha attitude. That should take care of all the issues with her.

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Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

I dont understand ho wold is this BIL? Have you ever confronted him or asked him in a "nice to him" manner to please take care of you rmesses. Does your husband tell you that you HAVE to take care of him, seriously you need to focus on yourself, screw the BIL.

And the other posted who had an issue similar, was our BIL disabled that he couldnt get his own food? I would totally ignore the fool and focus on myself n children. Obviously you have to cook for the family, but let him serve himself and heat up his own food. He wants snacks?? Guide him to a store nearby where he can purchase them fresh.

43

Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

see that's the thing. I've never addressed him directly and yeah he turns 30 next month. He just thinks he's the most good looking guy around.. theyve been searching for a girl for him.. Tbh he never used to be this way. It's only since he went to pakistan to visit my inlaws and came back, I saw this drastic change in him. We used to be pretty decent friends and he would randomly discuss his girl issues or w/e sometimes with me... but eitherways.

Ive now stopped serving to him. Before I would make his lunch every night like I would my hsubands, and then if he would come early, I would literally put the food out in his plate.. but then I saw how he didnt really deserve all this. I dunno.. I was recently married.. I was MA too happy in my own world to analyze how I was puttin extra effort to please someone whom I shouldn't even care for.
and I wish I had the balls to go up to him or so and say my mind out. My marriage's still new.. Ive no idea how my husband would react.. my inlaws would totally blast out on me and once his mom is mad... I know my husband wont take my side. I come from a somewhat conservative family where there is meddling. I can't just take my hsuband away to myself and move out or w/e. My husband is just not that type... hard to explain. Ive however learnt my lesson. I don't give a rat's rear end to my bil anymore. I just make sure Ive done my thing, that is cook food before my husband gets back home. If there's no roti/ or Ive to make chawal for my bil, I don't care to inform him before like I used to. He just comes home... sees what's missing and turns on the rice cooker or goes to get roti himself. I just pray to god that my relationship with my husband doesnt get ruined cuz of him n my mil, who will never be in peace until my husband n i are in peace.. sigh
I wish Allah gives these ppl some hidayat. And I wish my husband to get stronger and bolder to be able to stand up for me in front of his mom... uffff.. hate her so much!!!!!!!

NA-256 Karachi: Over 77k votes out of 85k votes fake — Nadra
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This is such a cool headed positive approach. And Ive IA decided to adopt it too.. I should count my blessings too instead of complaining to Allah 24/7. And I know I will have to endure a little to stay happy for my husband and I, b/c we coudln't be happier together (minus all these inlaws related issues). Ive let my relationship falter b/c of all my personal issues. I know if I should choose to ignore all this, this one fine day the existence of all these issues wont even matter to me. I shold look forward to having a baby in our life and keeping my marriage happy, insha'allah.

45

Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

first... does your BIL work? Is he contributing to the expenses of the house? Rent, Food, Gas, Electric, etc...? Do you clean up after him all the time. Tell him that once this baby comes its going to be difficult for you to care for everyone and that he needs to start taking on more responsibilities. He needs to wash his own dishes, do his own laundry, clean up after himself, etc....

Secondly, when you do decide to get a house, try to get a two family home, that has a separate entrance... that way you'll live in the same house but different floors. Never ever make the mistake of stating to the rishtas that come that this is HIS house. Do not deceive them in any way whatsoever.

thirdly... telling your husband doesn't seem to achieve much. You should however talk to your parents/siblings and confide in them. Tell your mom that you just want her to know (and that you arent trying to create any problems) whats going on because you have no one to talk to and that is why the MIL is calling them all the time and complaining about you. If he doesn't listen to you, you still need a support system to vent to. Your husband cannot stop you from venting, if he wont listen to you.

once your baby is born (inshAllah soon), congratulations mashAllah, tell your husband that his mother needs to limit her conversations to once a day (or you will limit them) because you'll be soo busy with the baby.

and most importantly enjoy your life as a wife and a mother!!! :)

The most overhyped food
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Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

With a baby, life will be so busy that even yoru husband will be lucky if he gets food on the table everyday.

polki diamond bridals
47

Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

^ If her husband's a typical guy (and he sounds like one) he will probably make her life hell for not being able to do the same stuff as before with the baby.

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Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

hmm yeah. It's hard to know right now how life will be after the baby. I've already started researching on babysitters. I was planning to stay home for a while to take care of my baby but I guess now I'd rather stay out of the house.

And Sara, my husband is not like that at all. He doesn't get angry, he's pretty easy going and he DOES help me in everything around the house. Like these days, he gets up earlier and doesn't let me clean the kitchen at all. We were all in sooo much peace but I've realized how it all got ruined cuz each time my mil would fone.. (say after we just had dinner..) my bil would talk to her for HOURS. She would obv inquire or ask on my husband so he wud take the fone for a few secs and then tell her that he's got his hands full, or else obv my bil would let het her know how we were workin together.

That all hasn't changed alhamdulillah. My husband is a very caring guy and he loves me a lot, but obv our relationship gets restrained cuz of my bil. See the thing is that my husband and I clean around the house together. My husband sometimes has late work hours and if I find that I can't complete all the chores, I just let them be and we do it together once he gets home. It's only that when both of us are tired, or if Ive been at my mom's and my husband has been coming home late and neither of us has been home to get all the cleaning done... I come back home to a DIRTY house. I mean messy is bearable, DIRTY is not. I just hate the fact that if neither of us hav been able to clean it, my bil just WONT do it. Why can"t he for once also contribute in all this. If this complain gets to my mil, she just says ohhhh can't you pick up after his "2" dirty plates... or if you're cooking for 2, can't you cook for 3.

That's not even the issue. We help each other. But when we're not able to, he NEVER does it for us. And everytime I get all emotional and weird cuz of all the stress, my relationship suffers. My husband is not the yelly/screamy type alhamdulillah, but I just hate how he doesn't acknowledge that his brother really does no **** arnd the house. And he just says (when they were both bachelors living together before we got married) that he used to take care of all the work. His brother is just not used to doing ****... so he wont. no matter what he says to him.

It's a no win situation.. not until I move out like I said.

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ladies
when ur sons get married dont turn out like ur uneducated MILs , unfortunately in pakistan a womens only pride n joy is the male child , her old age "sahara:
get a life n learn to respect ur sons wife, don try n compete with her , u have ur own place which is most special in this world. so learn to let go . ur sons wud lov u even more.

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Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

^ Coccoo, trust me girl.....stupidity/jealousy/insecurity/manipulative behavior can even transcend education. There are MILS out there that are college educated that sometimes think/behave paindu-style.

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^Good point coccoo.

And daughters in law (not you Bhenjee - you're doing more than your fair share), remember that your MIL is your husband's mother. Treat her with the same respect and consideration that you would your mother.

Bhenjee's story is one side to the saas/bahu issue and it's unfortunate and unfair that it happens as much as it does. But there is also the reverse situation where the bahu's behavior is less than mature.

I hope things get better for you Bhenjee!

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id disagree mistral
a girl behaves wid the in laws exactly as her husband wants her to, if he himself isnt bothered about the mother , father or his siblings ..... y wud a gal who has got nothin to do wid anyone besides the husband behave wid them otherwise???????
a gal neva neva puts her marriage in jeopardy unless the in laws start the usual rivalry.
and every gal is sensible enough to judge within a day or two how far her husband wud go to defend the wife or how much do the parents mean to him. and she always keep that in mind.
besides .......... quran n sunnah has emphasized on husbands rights , wifes, parents , neighbours , etc even slaves n servants , i hav yet to come across something on IN LAWS rights,
besides isnt it the sons job to look after his parents???? why expect frm the wife ? how can she possibly consider strangers her own parents n do their khidmat ? yyy doent make sense to me . against human nature .

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Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

I'm just saying that everybody deserves respect. DIL should treat MIL with respect and vice versa. And the son in law should treat his MIL with respect and vice versa. You're right - Quran and Sunnah don't name the in-laws specifically, but Islam directs all Muslims to make an effort to keep relations intact and not break them apart. So by implication, one could argue that in-laws should be included in the category of relations.

[QUOTE]
a gal neva neva puts her marriage in jeopardy unless the in laws start the usual rivalry.
[/QUOTE]
Then I shall have to respectfully disagree with you since I've seen situations the total reverse of bhenjees where, unfortunately, the DIL's "start" things. Not you Bhenjee, obviously. And not you either coccoo (just read your post in this thread).

Anyway, Bhenjee, good luck. I hope things get better soon.

Ik shair
54

i agree some gals can be very rude n disrespecting especialy towards the in laws , but the fact remains ,.......... they do so only coz they know they wud get away wid it .
if the husband is ok wid it or pretends in front of the mother that he cant do much abt it , obviously the DIL wud keep doing it . some gals just dont have any respect for elders.

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Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

so its more the sons fault n not the gals who s just joined his family

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Wow. Coccoo, you've just given me a totally different perspective. Thank you.

You're right. Now that I think of it, in almost every situation where I've seen the girl be outright disrespectful of her in laws or where she's trying to cut them out of her life...the SON (her husband) conveniently has nothing to say or the girl pulls the attitude when her husband isn't around.

Sigh

Why do people make things difficult for each other? Seriously, why is it so much trouble to mind your own business, let go of disagreements, and get along?

But as for who is more or less at fault...that I'm not sure of. Yes, the son should make sure that his family gets the respect that they deserves from his wife (same goes for daughters and their husbands). But the spouses should know better too. We're all adults. We know how to behave and should behave.

Catwalk Collections-Review thread
57

Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

I agree with Mistral - you do need to respect your MILs only so that you NEVER stoop to their level.....

I have no intention of eer being a wicked MIL law but then (knowing my boys and their taste in girls....never say never!!!) joke. I think part of the problem is that Desi mums just can't 'let go' of their boys and its a constant battle to still have all their attention.

These 'boys' need to find ways to maintain all rishtas but not at the expense of thier wives. A husband has lots of obligations to his family and yes the mother is very high on the pecking order but his wife and children also require attention.

The buck stops with the hubby/son. they are really good at being the 'victim' but if they wanted to they could easily resolve the situation.

MEN!!!

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[quote="mistral"]

Wow. Coccoo, you've just given me a totally different perspective. Thank you.

Why do people make things difficult for each other? Seriously, why is it so much trouble to mind your own business, let go of disagreements, and get along?

coz of their own fears n sometimes bad experiences ppl tend to stop having faith in others they see anyone who has any clash of interest wid em as a potential threat n try 2 cut em off frm their lives. (parents only concern is the well being of the son.......... (very natural) wife s concern is herself as well, parents want the DIL 2 only look after their sons interest , but naturally she has to place her interest first) clash begins . actually we al believe that we r here for a zillion years so lets just think abt ourselves n our own personal interest . and in the process we end up hurting eachother.

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[QUOTE]
I think part of the problem is that Desi mums just can't 'let go' of their boys and its a constant battle to still have all their attention.
[/QUOTE]

Interesting point. I think that's mostly due to how the MIL was treated when she was a brand new bahu. The generation of our parents and grandparents was one in which (in a lot of households - not all) the bahu had little say over her husband and her husband's parents - usually the MIL - ruled the roost. So the bahu would really hold on to her children, her sons, to compensate. And the cycle continued.

I dunno. I've seen all situations in my life. MILs giving their DILs hell for no reason. DILs giving their in-laws hell for no reason. And it's just hard to figure out who is more/less responsibile or where the buck stops. Yes, the sons should take a stand. They should stand up to their families when necessary and to their wives when necessary. But it's not always possible. I know of one family where this situation is out of control. If MIL tries to even hold her grandson, DIL literally screams at her to get away. That's just one example of how she treats her in laws. The parents have tried to convince their son to speak to her about these issues, but the son basically told them that he can't. That the last time he tried to talk to her, she took the kids, left and threatened him with divorce. So what are you supposed to do then?

I'm sorry Bhenjee. I think I've hijacked your thread.

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Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

mistral
abt the DIL u mentioned above .......... she needs medication ,(and the husband needs another woman, wht kind of a spineless man is he ?)
imagine if she has such a small heart that she wudnt let her childs grand parents show affection , imagine what she wud do when her children wud be grown up n settled in wid their wives ....... she d giv her DIL s hell forsure.
some women hav kids not to make em into good humans or watch em grow or giv em love or just to hav em .period .
women in pakistan use children to their own advantage .......... she is basically black mailin the husband into leaving the parents for good, n she wud succeed.