In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

Lifestyle Relationships
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I have inlaws like most other households out there. The MIL can’t stand a moment of my happiness. My SIL is married into a very well off family but has to live in a joint family system in one bedroom and shares that with her 3 kids. and yeah, my parents in law live in pakistan, but keep on visiting us here. So my point, since I live here alone with my hubby (and his younger bro) she just hates me for the fact that I have my independent household and blahblah…

Now, my husband doesn’t let me share all my troubles with my parents. He obv doesn’t want to hear my complains abt his family either. However, there are times when I’ve taken enough sarcasm and condescending remarks from his mom (who’s not even here) and his brother, who’s just a jerk and a MAJOR slob, and so I get all weepy and he keeps on pressing me to share with him what has been bothering me.. and when I do, he goes all cold.

Now my MIL is one smart woman. Everytime we step outside, say even if I stepped outside for a walk with my husband, my devar reports all that to her and yeah she fones us like 24/7 and each time I go visit someone or have some event coming up or whatever it is that I’m upto when she phones, she interviews me. I started evading her and answering her queries generally like, oh nothing… I just made salan (as opposed to chicken karhai or biryani or other specifics) and then after sometime I’d just say sorry aunty, gtg pray/ or shower/ or someone’s calling.. and put down the phone politely.

But now the problem is that if I don’t go into details over everything, this MIL keeps on pressing me and poking me until I almost spill the truth. Say things like after I had a dawat, she’d be like what’s goin on, and Id say we’re cleaning up (that is me and my husband). Now she’d keep on pressing and asking specifically if my brother in law was helping. This one time I pulled the courage and told her the truth that no, he’s a slob, doesn’t pick up after himself, says mean things and that Ive stopped giving 2 s h i t s to him (but not exactly in those words). Once I dare to be bold, she instantly calls my husband, and then calls my parents to complain that Im batameez.

Im sick and tired of this. I want to hear from anyone who has worn my shoes before on how to tackle with her and my bil smartly. Everytime there’s an issue that his family has with me, my husband leaves me to face the wolves and retreats into his own peace. Please help..

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Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

She called your parents? Okaaaaaay. Can't you just do what your husband does, just give the phone to him when she calls half the time, and the other half answer the phone but don't really pay attention to what she's saying

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He keeps on pressing me to share with him what has been bothering me.. and when I do, he goes all cold.

Same story here!! The best way is to keep your mouth!! Don't share your "things" with your husband if you know he'll never understand you!!

My MIL, SIL and BIL are very BEIMAAN! I've started to ignore them...Even my husband..And I'm feeling very relaxed now!! hahaha

Live your own LIFE...don't let them live YOUR LIFE!!

I've send you a pm. Please read!

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Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

Make a tape of frequent achaa , haan , hoon , theek hay , sahi farmaya , hahahah , baja irshaad etc etc and every time she calls turn that tape on and put the phone near that tape recorder and keep on going with your life.

P.S: If you do not understand what I am saying , let me know so that I could explain this trick.

Second tip:
When everybody leaves the home switch off the phone also you can keep it on answering machine to screen the calls just pickup when you want to talk to someone you like to talk to.

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Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

wow! thats really sad -
my advice to you would be to maybe ask your husband to have your BIL move out - it seems like he's the bee jamalo in your house - and if he isnt doing anything to make it easier than he has NO RIGHT to make it harder either!
I know how frustrated you might be, and by the time you actually get to your husband it might seem more like a WAR-ZONE than a talking session - so i'd say just sit down with him one day - and politely just talk to him.. tell him how u feel and how you would like to be treated.. its not ur fault that you SILs' husband couldnt give her a separate house/ apartment - why do you have to pay the price for that?
if your husband refuses to listen to you - then well i cant say anything more. He's her son and if he cant safeguard you from taane and all that then really is it worth being with someone who cant even respect you?
and you have ALL the right to tell your parents? tum kya kisi sai kamm ho? if he can tell or his brother can share everything with his mom than why cant u? i know you might be like why put them thru the hassle etc, but ull actually feel much better - plus that way you wont have to vent with your husband if he doesnt listen and having been thru much of life herself your mom will probably advise you in a better way on how to handle it :) -

All the best -

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Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

One, I would limit contact with the MIL asap. Say salam and then run off to shower or pray or something, she sounds like a waste of time. Second, I wouldn't go running to my husband if he was to give me a cold shoulder, instead, I would give him cold shoulder/silent treatment till he realized his family needs to stop messing around. Or better, you need to start standing up for yourself in a firm but not rude way. Tell them off to their faces with a strong attitude so that they back off.

Whats your best dish?
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Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

I would simply become really busy and make sure to limit contact as much as possible. If your husband isnt helping you deflect her, then do it yourself. When she calls, pretend to be super busy doing something...talk to her for a quick couple of minutes and then hand the phone over to your husband. When she asks you questions about your BIL...say wonderful things to her...sing praises until she knows you're lying.

When it comes to your BIL...ignore ignore ignore. Like we dont have enough issues in our lives these days...now we're going to let our hair go gray over devars and saas? Its just not worth the tension so simply IGNORE him.

As for telling your husband stuff...NEVER EVER EVER talk negatively about your inlaws to your husband especially if you know how he will act. Thats what friends are for...vent all you want to them but DO NOT think your husband will bad mouth his mother or side with you even if you're right. He wont. Stop confiding in him, get busy with your own life and ignore the inlaws.

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Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

^ wow.. this is all great advice guys. Mirch and Mystical rain it is next to impossible for us to not live with my bil except if my husband gets a job placement or so far far away. His mother keeps on stressing on how important it is to live together. LIke I mentioned earlier, b/c my sil can't move out (and she lives in this mansion like house in khi), I have to live with my devar forever. Also, theyre looking out for a girl for him these days and once that happens, we will probably move into a bigger place so that each of us has a big enough room. I am also expecting our first child alhamdulillah, but obv, even with the fact that my husband and I can afford to pay our own mortgage, I can never even put this thought out that we will ever be independent. If I even vaguely say smthng along the lines of yeah once we have our own place IA (which implies which belongs to us and we're not sharing with my devar's family) my husband kinda twists it out of proportion.

Obv, we're not that loaded and can't afford a mansion on Avenue road!! and you all know how it really is hard to share a house with so many families here since they're just not that huge.

As for not answering her phone, she calls on my cellie. and when I don't answer, calls my husband at his work and inquires (read reports to my husband). He then instantly calls me and Im just lost b/w not answering his fone and he goes yaar ammi ko fone ker lo........ if I avoid that, he keeps on asking every few mins if I made the fonecall or what.

The problem is also that I love my husband, and he loves me. Masha'Allah we have a very very strong relationship and have breezed thru a lot of tough times together and he's just my support system like I am his. These issues only evolve when I dare to speak my mind over his family. He holds them in very high respect and at some point he would rather leave me that tolerate my 'batameezi' or 'zaban darazi' with his mom. He refuses to see how his mom interviews me each time she fones.

PsQuared, you've said some great things to me. Esp the sing my devar's praises till my mil knows I"m lying. When I had recently gotten married and my MIL was here, she would talk INCESSANTLY NONSTOP abt how grand my SIL's wedding was, or how she cooks, cleans, brushes her hair, breathes.... (hopeyou get my pun). This one time we were at this random dawat and even the outsider aunty there said ke bhabi baat kya horahi hai.. aap ne (my nand) ka zikr kahan se nikal liya....

So for that the strategy I adopted was that I would talk incessantly abt my sil too. Later when my mil went to pakistan and would fone, i could keep on tlaking abt my sil and asking on her kids non stop. So much that in all the fone conversation she wouldn't have a chance to ask me how things were goin on.. (oh yeah, she's one BIG curious woman) and I guess she got really frustrated over how cuz ofmy sil's discussion, she couldn't find out abt things in my life. And later on, she just stopped talking to me abt her....

I am gradually accepting the fact that if I want to salvage the great relationship I have with my husband, I can NEVER EVER talk negatively abt his family. I just have to learn to deal with my emotions and my tears which always seem to appear at the wRONG time!!

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Re: In-laws… and strategies to deal with them.

  1. Get your BIL married as soon as possible so that the attention of MIL gets divided between two DILs. She will spend half the time on phone with you.
  2. Make sure your BIL knows the benefits of independent living. He and his future wife might want to have their own home.
  3. Start being nosy with your BIL ( learn those tricks from your MIL) he will want to rent his own apartment shortly.
  4. Get rid of that cell phone. You do not need it. Then you can screen the calls at your home. When your husband asks you why you are not picking phone by your MIL you can tell him you are busy and you will call her as soon as you get time.
  5. Once your kid is born , you could pinch him during conversation with your MIL to make him cry that way those conversations will become shorter and shorter.
  6. Read this article: How to make your mother-in-law love you forever | Mail Online
  7. Watch this video. How to Get Your Mother-In-Law to Shut the Hell Up: Marriage Counseling | eHow.com
  8. Visit this site for some valuable advice to deal with MIL from hell:
    Mother-in-Law HELL Mother-in-Law Advice and Mother-in-Law Stories
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Re: In-laws… and strategies to deal with them.

^:rotfl:

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It's sad that your husband won't let you speak to your family abt your problems or listen to them either. I don't know if this would work but try speak to your husband about it.. everyone needs someone to talk to.

Sometimes you just have to put your foot down and be firm. She can't expect you to take her calls while praying, grocery shopping or when your driving.

Like Psq said a devar should be the least of your worries, he's in your house and you are taking care of him.

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i agree with pareezay. you should give your husband the silent treatment or whatever needs to be done in order for him to understand your point. as long as you have your husband on your side, you shouldn't have anything to worry about. he should be the one taking care of mother and his sloppy brother. explain to him, that HE needs to talk to his brother about the sloppyless, and that HE needs to talk to his mother about her negative attitude, and that if you do it, it'll make you seem "badtameez", so he has to..if he know what's good for him.

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Hum (GS members) hain na priceless advice denay ko.

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Im sick and tired of this. I want to hear from anyone who has worn my shoes before on how to tackle with her and my bil smartly. Everytime there's an issue that his family has with me, my husband leaves me to face the wolves and retreats into his own peace. Please help..
[/QUOTE]

Hi Bhenjee,

What a frustrating situation. I know there are two sides of the story, and while I don't know your MIL's side.......I will say that simply reading about her made me angry. I tend to be a private person myself and am not crazy about busy bodies who have to meddle in every aspect of someone else's life. Very frustrating.

You NEED to talk to your husband. Your method of waiting for him to ask you "What is up wife?" and then sharing your problem with him....only to have him go more frigid than an ice box is **NOT **working! This pattern of behavior that you both have will become a cycle (if it hasn't already) that will leave you MORE frustrated in the end than you were at the beginning.

So.......sit your husband down and talk to him. Tell him "Look, a marriage is a partnership. A compromise. A team of two people who work together to resolve issues. Not an ego battle. It hurts me when you encourage me to tell you what's bothering me.......and then I sense you become uncomfortable and as a result I don't receive any help, suggestions, or support. Is this a one-way relationship? Do you think that I enjoy saying negative things about your mom or brother? NO! Frankly speaking, like many wives and daughters-in-law, I want to have a good relationship with my in-laws. But you need to understand that relationships involve mutual respect and effort from both sides. I don't mind cleaning up around the house.......but why can't you ask your brother NICELY but FIRMLY to help me out so that there's less stress for me? The less work that I have....the more time I can spend on you and other responsibilities. " **If your husband has any sisters of his own....use that point to your advantage. Tell him, "You also have sisters of your own. How would you feel if your own sisters were feeling frustrated with in-laws?"**

Try talking to your husband. If that doesn't work.....talk to your BIL. Tell him that "Look, I'm like your sister and I think of you as my brother. I would like for us both to get along. It is not easy to do so much cleaning around the house. I do not have the luxury of having servants as people do in Pakistan. The same way that you would not want your own sister to feel stressed....I also want us to get along. I would really appreciate it if you could help me out with some of the cleaning. Could you at least try to put the dishes on the counter, etc"

As far as your MIL is concerned...........in my opinion just continue what you're doing. If she asks what about every little detail of your personal life........just don't give it to her. There HAS to come a time......where she EVENTUALLY.....realizes that you're not going change. Keep conversations polite BUT brief. And hopefully she'll give up pestering u and find a hobby.

Try establishing a positive relationship with your brother-in-law so that he will feel more reluctant to cause trouble for you in the future.

Here's another strategy, but I don't know if it will backfire. ** Stop picking up after your BIL.** If he leaves a dish on the table......let it stay there. If he leaves magazines on the floor. Let them stay there. And just let the things pile up. ** Don't pick them up even if you have company.** Eventually either your own BIL will get tired enough to pick things up himself.......OR....your husband will get the message as he sees with his own eyes the MESS that his younger slobby brother has the potential to create. And hopefully your hubby will tell his bro "Look at the mess you've made. All these things belong to you and are used by you. Please clean up after yourself."

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Not always ;)

Ihl e Zaban
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Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

Dont give your husband the silent treatment, maintain the strong bond you have with him. Dont let MIL ruin your relationship.

Try this for a week:
- Call your MIL before she calls you, call her in the morning when shes having chai, then after half an hour, call her again. All day long keep calling her. And do what she does, ask questions left right and centre. "oh what did you have for breakfast? bijli hai ya nahi? abhi aap kia karengi? FIL ney nashta kar lia? kia naashta kia, aap ne banaya? etc etc" And if she ignores a topic, keep asking her questions about that topic, so she gets irritated and would want to hang up and ignore you, lol.
- Switch off your mobile, or break it. Dont carry one.
- Irritate your BIL like hell, very subtly. Start vacuuming when he's watching tv, then tell him, oh im pregnant i cant vacum, can you please clean up this mess. Make a mess somewhere beforehand.
- When BIL is sleeping, go to the kitchen and make some juice, start that blender, juicer, anything thats noisy. Throw some pots, make some noise while cooking. Make this a routine, disturb his peace, he'll move out in no time.

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:rotfl:…PURE GENIUS!!!

Bhenjee, just do what **Djmi **has suggested.

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Re: In-laws… and strategies to deal with them.

^ umm where silent treatment might not work - the above might not either..

  • if he hasnt picked up after himself in all these yrs what makes u think he will now? shes pregnant and i dont think it takes an idiot to understand the kind of exhaustion pregnancy brings with it - and it will just bother HER more if he doesnt pick up -
  • if she does the “disturb his peace” - her MIL will make already harsh treatment even worse.. since the BIL is pretty much filling her ears all day -
  • as far as the calls go, try and call her once. there are times when i cant call my MIL for days but she doesnt go all beserk on my husband - ur MIL has to realize that ur trying to take care of an unborn and 2 fully grown men and urself! and its not an easy task to keep up with all tht AND attend calls 24/7. So maybe politely tell your husband that if he doesnt mind can he talk to her while you try and finish up everything - calls shud be limited to ONCE a day and even that sometimes is a bit too much - if she calls pick-up.. dont avoid it because itll just make matters worse.. talk to her pleasantly whenever u do talk -

tell your husband straight-up that if matters between u and him, or u and ur MIL are elevated to your parents than you will make sure that your parents know everything thats going on between you and ur in-laws so that they knw both sides of the story -
when I got married me and my husband both decided that we wouldnt tell OUR personal matters to our parents.. eik ghar ki baat chahe kaisi bhi ho doosre ghar nahi jayegi - and thats how it is pretty much! so you have to draw a line **bhenjee!! **:k:

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:rotfl: I admit you are a genius.

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Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

loooooooooooooooool