In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

hitchki · July 22, 2009, 7:10pm

Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

Er

Unless he has an editting machine attached to your mouth I don't see how he can pragmatically stop you complaining to anyone. Be it your sister, your mother or the neighbours 4 year old kabootar.

So, I suggest you use that to your advantage and itch away to someone very far away who will never meet your husband. Thereby helping you get perspective and lightening the bhooj

Secondly. DEF Call your MIL first. Do it three times a day.
1) Morning
2) Some random time in the evening, to tell her why you were too busy to answer her numerous calls
3) At night to summerise the day. Also, take a more leading role in the conversation.
Talk clothes alot. Or shoes. Or politics. I'd go with politics. Its a neutral topic and takes alot of time to talk about too.

Also, I think you are underutilising the very important resource at your disposal. Namely BIL.

Once he is chill-the-axed out, everyone will be on your side. It doesn't matter if he is slobby. The moment he agrees that you are bestest thing since the slicing of brown-bread, you win - as he is their ambassador.

redvelvet · July 22, 2009, 8:13pm

Mystical Rain,

I don't think Bhenjee is pregnant. I could be wrong and maybe she is but just hasn't mentioned it in her post.

Pregnant or not......I totally agree with your point that if the slobby BIL can't help Bhenjee out, then he shouldn't make things more difficult for her either.

And seriously how old is the BIL? Why does the BIL have to act like a gossipy woman and update his mommy on everything in brother and bhabi's house as if their life is some soap opera? The guy needs to get a life. I'm sure Bhenjee's husband can tell his mom stuff if he wants to. It could be that he's the obedient "mama's boy" who gives his mommy all the details when she questions him....but seriously it's weird.

haania06 · July 22, 2009, 8:34pm

Here red velevt

I am also expecting our first child alhamdulillah, but obv, even with the fact that my husband and I can afford to pay our own mortgage,

Bhenjee my advice to u is try to stay happy, hav a very good relationship with ur husband,** thank Allah each day that your MIL donot live with you, imagine if she does wht happen, your devar must be working or studying , so u must be getting ur own time but wht if ur MIL was living with u>?**

Think abt ur baby, n how ur life wud be change, shop for ur baby, leave ur MIL on her own, donot giv much details but continue talking politely, pray and ask ALLAH to help u.

Asalam o Alaikum

mysti · July 22, 2009, 8:42pm

Re: In-laws… and strategies to deal with them.

^well said - i know this is gona sound a little off topic but honestly we’re just humans - we can ONLY advise you and nothing other than that - where it might not work it might it some cases but the only one that can help you through these times is Allah! so ask him for help, ask him for the strength and the proper way to deal with this - ask Him for the sanity and the way to do things right! because every case, every household is different. I have an amazing MIL but there are times when i find somethings about her irritating aswell - and when that happens I just talk to Allah and leave it up2 him to find a way for me - Pray Namaz, read haajat ke nafl for a better way to deal with this -

we’re here to help, dont get me wrong but please do ask Allah!! trust me He does listen -

redvelvet · July 22, 2009, 8:47pm

Oh okay....thanks Haania :) I had missed that detail in Bhenjee's post.

Yikes....to give a preggy woman a hard time is EVIL! I agree, she should try to relax and enjoy herself as much as possible especially that she's pregnant. Although it would be nice if her husband showed more understanding about her condition and helped her out more.

**Bhenjee, **ya never know girl! Maybe the "bride" that is chosen for your devar......might even put pressure on him to move out and find a separate house. His future wife might even be able to convince him. It's a possibility, fingers crossed. :)

Mirch · July 22, 2009, 8:50pm

Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

Giving hard time to anybody anytime is evil.

coccoo · July 22, 2009, 9:05pm

Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

bhenjee me goin through same crap past 5 yrs.
u know there is no end to it if ur husband isnt willing to listen 2 u ? if he isnt caring enough .................
but u r lucky ur havin his kid once u have the kid ......... lay ur cards n play the game with ur rules ........................ men do this kind of bull**** when they dont hav kids ......... once u have a kid , he'd himself tel the mil 2 shut up n the bil to move out .
enjoy ur pregnancy n have a happy healthy baby. '
p.s pray that i too have a baby soon.

bhenjee · July 22, 2009, 9:20pm

OMG, you guys are such sweethearts... you've given such wonderful advice. I can't believe that I've all these unknown friends here who give me so much support.. hugssss

and yes, I am preggers, I've just started my 9th month and I'm hoping that IA everything stays hunky dory for me and that my child hasn't suffered due to all this mental stress that I'm going thru.

RV, I'm not sure if you're married but the deal with my husband is that he kind of just CAN'T see the picture that I draw for him and primarily b/c my mil talks to me in a very smart ass cunning way when she catches me on the phone while my husband's at work. If my husband's home, she's the sweetest thing you could know. My husband refuses to believe that his ammi keeps on saying mean, condescending stuff to me.

I recently was told to "host" a tea party kinda thing for this larki's family since "they" wanted to come checkout my bil. I was aghast... I mean where in the world in paki families do girls' families come over to check out the guy, it's always the other way round. But my mil insisted that I arrange for some snacks since someone would come over to 'see' my bil. Now when I initially said that this is kinda absurd, obv she went and told my husband who tells me that no sweets, you'renot doing any of that work. You're not hosting no parties. Later when his mom asked, I was bold enough to say that my husband refused to let me do that... she called my parents and said that my "tone" was incorrect to talk to her and that they should teach me some tameez. I am just speechless after her *****y efforts.... Not only that she kept on tellingme over and over again to NOT tell the larki waale that the house belonged to my devar. I was like......... wtf ... literally . I mean the house does NOT belong to him but she kept on implying to me to not tell the larki wale which meant that Id better accept that the house belonged to him, which it does not. we share it.

Last weekend I went over to my dad's place and he got me a couple boxes of these cookies that I really like and I brought them home with me. My husband and I got home late so I just left them outside on the kitchen counter and I thought I would put them away or w/e in the morning. When I got up in the morning, my bil, who leaves for work earlier than my husband, had gotten up, opened BOTH boxes and taken out cookies from both. I was mad...... and hurt. I mean I wouldn't refuse him to share my cookies that my dad had gotten from me (and he knew that it was my dad since I brought them over with me when my husband came to pick me up from mom's). But I was just so mad inside that he had to open both the boxes which were identically the same... he does all this to just tease me and my husband tells me that he's got a weird sense of "humor". My parents in law also keep on telling me that his humor is a little excessive.. I should ignore it. I hate hearing all that. Why can't they for once just tell HIM to behave with me.

and please, i HATE my mil. I will definitely not be calling her up fifty times in a day. I have just decided to approach with a "jee acha' strategy to whatever she has to say. but I willdo what I have to, however, will no longer choose to explain to her what I plan to do. To the point, brief convos...

And yes, I just pray regularly that insha'Allah nothing comes b/w my husband and I. I wasn't having these problems initially.. but after she saw that my husband obv had started caring for me a lot, or that we occassionaly went out for coffee/dinner w/e, or that he got me falana thing for a present for no reason.. she just started burning up. and eveyrtime my sil has an issue with her inlaws in KHI, I have to suffer HERE!!! I just hate her so much..

bhenjee · July 22, 2009, 9:22pm

Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

and coccoo... I just saw your post. I will pray for you :) my parents also tell me that once I have the baby, my husband will just have more courage to speak up for me... or so Im hoping

yahooo · July 22, 2009, 9:28pm

Bhenjee since it is obvious your sasooma suffers from some unfortunate psychological problem/complex, maybe it is about time you started taking it in your stride. If, as is quite likely, your husband continues to be unwilling to cooperate, and you can't do away with your cell, you probably will have to bear, at least for some time, her constant pestering anyway. Not taking her seriously, however, will help ease the pain of doing so. Just think of her as a deranged burya or something who needs to dealt with kindly; being annoyed or extra evasive will only give her the reason she covets to play the victim card and sow discord in your house by complaining to your husband about your perceived badtamizi. Who knows she may even get tired of her intrusiveness after a while once she realizes that she is not succeeding in ruffling your feathers?

It is great that you have a strong relationship with your husband; don't let your MIL destroy it.

coccoo · July 22, 2009, 9:29pm

Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

bhen jee
thanx

aaho · July 22, 2009, 9:29pm

Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

I think you are a part of a Pure Super Dooper Paindo Production :D

I know many example like this even from my own family much worst than this.

It will take time till you husband will get a lesson rightly. I hope that it should be as soon as possible.

mysti · July 22, 2009, 9:33pm

Re: In-laws… and strategies to deal with them.

cant you give your husband an ultimatum - some stuff happened with my in-laws and i was like MOVE OUT or i will go back home to my parents - within a month he found a job and moved.. :halo: - give him one? maybe he’ll clue in better?

mistral · July 22, 2009, 9:33pm

Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

I agree with yahoo. It's very possible that things might not change. So grin and bear the MIL and BIL. At the same time, you don't have to cater to their every whim either. Let the BIL clean up his own messes, and if anybody - namely your MIL or BIL - has the nerve to ask you why you're not picking up after your slobby BIL, sweetly explain that the baby requires so much of your efforts and of course "Ammi-ji/Bhai, you wouldn't want me to neglect your grandson/nephew, would you?"

hitchki · July 22, 2009, 9:38pm

yahooo:

Bhenjee since it is obvious your sasooma suffers from some unfortunate psychological problem/complex, maybe it is about time you started taking it in your stride. If, as is quite likely, your husband continues to be unwilling to cooperate, and you can't do away with your cell, you probably will have to bear, at least for some time, her constant pestering anyway. Not taking her seriously, however, will help ease the pain of doing so. Just think of her as a deranged burya or something who needs to dealt with kindly; being annoyed or extra evasive will only give her the reason she covets to play the victim card and sow discord in your house by complaining to your husband about your perceived badtamizi. Who knows she may even get tired of her intrusiveness after a while once she realizes that she is not succeeding in ruffling your feathers?

It is great that you have a strong relationship with your husband; don't let your MIL destroy it.

I agree with him more.

redvelvet · July 22, 2009, 9:41pm

Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

Bhenjee,

I'm sorry things are so frustrating with your MIL. I'm not married, but I have seen that behavior before where the MIL is cunning and rude toward the DIL.......and then acts like a saint in front of her own son.

Some desi MILS make the meddling Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond look like a saint!

Hmmm....if your husband cannot tolerate even the slightest negative comment about his family.....then is it possible for you to ask him to ask his brother (devar) to help out with the cleaning since your're pregnant?? I'm not saying that he should clean the whole house and everyone else's mess. But could he at least be asked to pick up his OWN mess?

Does your MIL have any daugthers of her own? It amazes me when such MILS don't reflect over the idea that their OWN daugthers might be disprespected by in-laws. Anyhow, soon or later.....in some way shape or form......what goes around.....will come around!

Or better yet.....if your husband can't hear anything bad about his brother........then let him SEE it. Just don't clean up after your BIL anymore. Let the mess he makes pile up. Let your husband SEE what a slob his brother is. Remind your husband that you're pregnant and you don't want to overwork yourself. Maybe your husband will get annoyed with his bro after seeing all his junk and actually tell him (albeit nicely) to be more responsible.

Sara516 · July 22, 2009, 10:22pm

You have balls.

littlemiss · July 22, 2009, 10:45pm

Re: In-laws... and strategies to deal with them.

Bhenjee - OUR MILs ARE SISTERS!!!!! and our BILs could be twins!

i couldn't shut my mouth when i was reading your post. The similarities can(not) be a coincidence....

My in-laws are in Pakistan but come every year (in the six weeks holidays - yea). This year though my BIL wanted to come and has just gone back after four months.

Those four months have been HARD. I have two little boys (and 3 after- school clubs + 1 weekend Karate lesson) I'm a teacher so work fairly long hours but DESPITE this i still had to make a 3 course meal everyday. IHeres a brief description of my day:
get up at 6 and HIM make parantas + tea =+boil ed egg (+ 2 rotis and salan for lunch) and then 'rush' my children to school
4.30 - leave work and go straight to the kitchen and make him tea + pakoras or something. Give the kids a snack and take them to club
5.30 - start to make salan + meetha
7.00 - feed the kids and put them to bed (without a story because i need to go back downstairs because BIL feels 'hungry'.
9.00 - do all dishes and clean and make BIL doodh pati
9.30 - 12 - mark work for school while he sits in front of tele.

Y'all might be wondering where my husband is during all this time but in all honesty he has just started his own business and comes around 10.00ish and leaves early every morning.

It is really hard because he also gossips about my lifestyle with MIL. SAhe thinks i 'live it up' while her duaghter does all the housework back home and lives iwth in-laws. I could rally tell you stories about her. No-one has a 'panga' with her because she is so mouthy. Last time she came i fell and broke my arm and gues she only made the roti i still had to make the salan with one hand and look after the kids....

When my husband asked her to make salan - she said she couldn't because its so different to how she would make it in Pakistan. A load of s***.

The only way i get through it (them) is by NOT GIVING A S***. I dress well. My husband and i go out regularly. My kids are healthy and thriving and my family are well in every way. I read namaz regulary and instead of counting the things that annoy me i count my blessings instead.

I don't understand why MILs can't be happy and supportive of their DILs. we are married to their sons for allahs sake!!! Some of the advice is great and you should try it but my hubby is a god-send and partly for him (who wants to come home to nagging wife..) i choose not to make my in-laws an issue. I'd rather lose the battle and win the war.

lol

C

littlemiss · July 22, 2009, 10:54pm