i have seen here, in laws mostly the guys side always branded as monsters. why? because girls parents can be the same so why this biased threads.
and couldnt help to notice almost in all monsters in laws, girl and her family seem to be interested in only the guy, he mostly appear to be very nice son of very nasty parents.
it can be true in some scenarios but not all.
lastly, guys (not the girls) do share stories of your in laws so we can see a pattern here.
Re: In Laws always monsters?
Guys don't tend to live with their in laws nor are htey expected to...so hence they don't and can't complain as much....there are bad seeds everywhere....but once the girls are expected to stop living with their in laws and serving them when it's their sons that should serve em...maybe they will not become monster-in laws any more
My in-laws are pretty great but I have noticed a tendency that many in-laws expect daughters-in-law to 'become' one of them---i.e. to conform to all the family expectations, standards, whatever pleases them, etc., rather than believing that the girl can be accepted the way she is, even if she's not always the same as them. Whereas their attitude towards son-in-laws is that they are the product of their own family and aren't expected to change themselves--what you see during rishta process is what you get, basically. I think it's part of the whole attitude that marriage means exchange of a daughter, but it's not the same attitude toward the guy.
It's tough for girls to try and adapt to this, especially in families that expect complete conformity and obedience---very common in the more old-school or conservative families. And the older and more independent the girl, the more challenging it is for her to try and change to please the in-laws. Hence the tension.
And yes, some girls are unreasonable, selfish, hostile, instigate issues with the MIL, et cetera. But overall I think expectations weigh more heavily on the girl in a marriage than the boy.
i have seen here, in laws mostly the guys side always branded as monsters. why? because girls parents can be the same so why this biased threads.
and couldnt help to notice almost in all monsters in laws, girl and her family seem to be interested in only the guy, he mostly appear to be very nice son of very nasty parents.
it can be true in some scenarios but not all.
lastly, guys (not the girls) do share stories of your in laws so we can see a pattern here.
I agree. While it's true some DIL are expected to live with in-laws, not all in-laws are bad. I have seen examples where the girl is completely bitter she has to do some work...ex. cooking/cleaning sometimes. Now if she lived alone she would be doing EVERYTHING wouldn't she? So if for now she is living with people....I don't see the big deal in sharing some basic duties with MIL in the household. She does not work & does not have kids. I know it is great to sleep till 2 in the afternoon, and watch tv all day, but really in even your own household that doesn't make sense and is just sheer laziness. Now she goes around town badmouthing her MIL....etc.....about these issues....
She is good friend of mine, but I tell her the truth how she is wrong in some of her behavior.
Also I have seen that the girl wants to completely seperate her husband from his family, but keeps her sisters and family always there and allows her family to interfere alllll the time. That is not an issue as its "her" family. However if the hubby's mother or sibling were to suggest the same thing her family did, all hell will break loose.
Re: In Laws always monsters?
i'm sure most guys don't like their in-laws as well coz their own parents disrespect his inlaws n he learns to do the same.but its a fact that a son-n-law is treated with gr8 honour n respect by a girl's family n even his most ridiculous behaviour is tolerated coz he's the Damad after all. but same respect is never given to a bahu rather she's expected to tolerate all kinda non-sense without a single complaint.
i'm sure most guys don't like their in-laws as well coz their own parents disrespect his inlaws n he learns to do the same.but its a fact that a son-n-law is treated with gr8 honour n respect by a girl's family n even his most ridiculous behaviour is tolerated coz he's the Damad after all. but same respect is never given to a bahu rather she's expected to tolerate all kinda non-sense without a single complaint.
SO TRUE!
The most toxic MIL (monster-in-law) will treat the husband of her OWN daughter with soooooooooo much respect.......in the hopes that by doing so her OWN **daughter will be treated nicely by the in-laws. **YET.......she can't seem to follow the same logic or treatment when it comes to her OWN...bahu (who is also someone's daughter). Double standards.
Re: In Laws always monsters?
^ that's right ppl hav double standards. i'll giv few examples that a bahu cannot go shopping alone. family ki izzat ka sawal hai but a daughter can go even to other city alone. a bahu cannot go n live @ her maika for more than a day but a daughter can come n stay for months. bahu's parents r never invited for dinners but they r expected to do dinners for daughter's in-laws plus giv them ocassional gifts. if they don't do it they r kanjoos n maghroor n ill-mannered.
^ that's right ppl hav double standards. i'll giv few examples that a bahu cannot go shopping alone. family ki izzat ka sawal hai but a daughter can go even to other city alone. a bahu cannot go n live @ her maika for more than a day but a daughter can come n stay for months. bahu's parents r never invited for dinners but they r expected to do dinners for daughter's in-laws plus giv them ocassional gifts. if they don't do it they r kanjoos n maghroor n ill-mannered.
Sorry I didn't get something:
"A bahu can't live @ her maika more than a day but a daughter can come & stay for months". So if the daughter is married then she's a bahu too & rules are different @ her in- laws???? I think there are all sort of people, some respects & loves their bahus like their own dauthers & other just can't stand them. Same goes for Damad, there are families who have huge respect for their Damad & there are others who don't respect them. For me, it's a part of "Haqooq ul Ibad" Life will be easier if we start following Allah's word.
Re: In Laws always monsters?
yes a married daughter can come n stay over for months coz either she hav no in-laws or don't care for in-laws or is taught not to b pressurzed by in-laws or could b diff reasons.
^ that's right ppl hav double standards. i'll giv few examples that a bahu cannot go shopping alone. family ki izzat ka sawal hai but a daughter can go even to other city alone. a bahu cannot go n live @ her maika for more than a day but a daughter can come n stay for months. bahu's parents r never invited for dinners but they r expected to do dinners for daughter's in-laws plus giv them ocassional gifts. if they don't do it they r kanjoos n maghroor n ill-mannered.
And I know that not all MILS are like this. But for those MILS that openly display such double standards.............kya unhay sharam nahin aati? Don't they realize they're openly making a fool of themselves? Desis in general are soooo concerned with reputation. A MIL is always thinking "haai haai log kya kahain gay,".......but doesn't she think that she's risking her own reputation by openly displaying hypocricy.
Re: In Laws always monsters?
well not everything goes for every family but mostly ppl hav contradictory behavoiur when it comes down to their own daughters.
[QUOTE]
Also I have seen that the girl wants to completely seperate her husband from his family, but keeps her sisters and family always there and allows her family to interfere alllll the time. That is not an issue as its "her" family. However if the hubby's mother or sibling were to suggest the same thing her family did, all hell will break loose.
[/QUOTE]
Oh boy. If I had a dime for every time that I've seen that happen...well, let's just say I'd have a whole lotta dimes.
The case of toxic in laws isn't just limited to instances where the in laws are mistreating their bahus though we all have seen plenty of instances of those.
There is a huge double standard in how in laws treat their bahus as opposed to their own daughters.
But unfortunately, these days I'm noticing bahus engaging in some double standards of their own when it comes to their in laws.
As Zazu from the Lion King once said, "There's one in every family...two in mine actually."
Re: In Laws always monsters?
maybe as daughter in laws and as daughters maybe, we need to set the right example for the future generation?
maybe, we as DILs need to start treating the inlaws with the same amount of attention and respect we give to our parents or, maybe we need to keep our family at the same distance as we keep the inlaws? if u have an issue with ur inlaws discussing something personal to u and ur hubby, or about ur family, maybe not discuss ur inlaw issues with ur mum, sis, bhabhi and all the rest?
I think the first step of improvement starts from home
And also, guys do complain too. There are many guys out there who dont think too highly of their mother-in-laws... but they dont have the time like vailhi wives to write up essays bad mouthing their inlaws..
they have other ways of letting out their frustration... either that, or they just dont give a two hoot
i have seen here, in laws mostly the guys side always branded as monsters. why? because girls parents can be the same so why this biased threads.
and couldnt help to notice almost in all monsters in laws, girl and her family seem to be interested in only the guy, he mostly appear to be very nice son of very nasty parents.
it can be true in some scenarios but not all.
lastly, guys (not the girls) do share stories of your in laws so we can see a pattern here.
Sometimes it can be the girl's side who create all the unnecessary tension by continuously interfering in their daughters marriage etc.
SO TRUE!
The most toxic MIL (monster-in-law) will treat the husband of her OWN daughter with soooooooooo much respect.......in the hopes that by doing so her OWN **daughter will be treated nicely by the in-laws. **YET.......she can't seem to follow the same logic or treatment when it comes to her OWN...bahu (who is also someone's daughter). Double standards.
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo true! :)
yes a married daughter can come n stay over for months coz either she hav no in-laws or don't care for in-laws or is taught not to b pressurzed by in-laws or could b diff reasons.
So true! i have a nand whose Canadian visa was on hold for over 2.5 yrs, she just got it a week back...During this entire period excepting 4 months when her husband would come she stayed at her parents' home. I have been married for almost 9 monnths now n live with my in-laws...While i have never hinted to her living here while her in-laws happen to be just 20 mins away and are the-so-called nicest in-laws ever, i find it downright annoying and unacceptable to hear her/mil/fil comment when i stay an extra day at my parent's home...Why should it matter to her when i keep myself miles away from her private life? And when i come back, i am welcomed by a long face and cold attitude from both mil and fil....why should i be treated this way n forced to feel the guilt of an uncommitted crime? Wht's worse is that mil gives shoulder to my hubby for his"loneliness" caused by me. Ironically, it's such a vicious circle that while he rejects being lonely in fornt of his mom, he feels that she is right and hints his dislike over my weekly stay over when i return. And to justify his sister's stay of almost 2 yrs after marriage, he says that she could stay coz her hubby is in Canada and that it's her mom's home.
Re: In Laws always monsters?
as expected seems like no girl on GS like the in laws much at all, not a single is lucky enough get nice in laws at all. thats very strange! it can be lenses you gals are seeing the in laws.
Sara
and not all girls living in with in laws, so notion because a girl has to adopt to in laws standards, customs etc does not apply.
its a shame, but nice at the same time, cause guys here didnt come up with any complaints or in law stories. either they are modest, or just cant be bothered.
Re: In Laws always monsters?
^ Actually, I like my in laws a lot. They are very good to me, and I try to be good too. But the most important thing in your relationship with the in laws is how you perceive them, and their actions. Some girls tend to perceive every thing from the in laws side in a very negative light. And if you do that, then even their most harmless and benign act will become intolerable.
Also, I have seen some horrible bahus too, so it's not as if only the in laws can be monsters. Sometimes it's the other way around. Plus, in some cases husbands are real losers and instead of helping to make the relationship between his own family and wife better, they just contribute in the wrong way. Overall, people should learn to live and let others live. Instead of constantly thinking about what somebody else said or did.
I so agree with what Smilly said, one should consider the relations with in laws as part of haqooq ul ibaad. Remember how much our religion emphasizes on haqooq ul ibaad. Why is being nice to others so hard, even if they are in laws?
I don't think it's a matter of every girl in GS hating her inlaws. It's the form of the question posed that elicited the negative stories about toxic in laws. I took your question as something to initiate a discussion on why men tend not to complain about in laws as compared to women and whether there are situations of men not getting along with their in laws. So I didn't think to mention my own experience with mine. Which is fabulous. I love my MIL and FIL. They look out for me and treat me exactly like a daughter. I've got no complaints against them.
And as for guys not complaining much...that's a valid point. They tend not to say anything. But lots of guys out there have bad experiences with inlaws or their wives instigate things - and a few posters in this thread have mentioned that it can be the other way around. But it's different for guys. Someone here mentioned that most men don't live with their inlaws which is true. It's usually the guy's parents who live with him and his wife. So why complain? If you only have to deal with your inlaws on a temporary basis when they come to visit, I think most guys see it as "Ok this is unpleasant. But they won't be here forever so just let it go."
Also, I would suggest that their complaints simply come in a different form than women's. Women tend to vent. They talk to their friends, their sisters, families, they vent here. I'm no expert on the male mind, but their "complaints" take a different form. For example, there's a couple I know where it's pretty well known that the guy and his in laws don't get along. And his way of "protesting" is simply to avoid them as much as he can. Whenever something is up where he has to go see them or they are coming over, he simply finds reasons (usually work) to avoid contact with them as much as possible. He never says anything. He just avoids them.
Regardless of what it is, I think a lot of us - men and women - could benefit from "live and let live" as Silver Falcon succinctly put it.
Re: In Laws always monsters?
kionkey saas bhi kabhi bahu thi.....