have decided to ask for some serious advise on here please, sorry its a bit long
Just two days before eid my DEYRANI - hubby’s bro’s wife (we are all relative’s btw) went home for eid
and now her hubby and I/LAWS are kicking a fuss saying she didnt tell anyone she is going but it was her bro that came and spoke to the family
before taking her and kids with him, and her in-laws including her hubby were fine then. This is all in pakistan btw
Now her hubby is saying to us ( he rang us here in uk ) saying that he is not going to get her and she can stay there at her parents,
and that he will divorce her. My hubby is supporting his parents and bro saying yeah leave her there, and if they want divorce her.
I asked my in-laws what happened and my father in-law said nothing happened she just went without saying anything - her bro came and i said
" she doesnt need to go yet - she needs to get sum clothes first " this is like two days before eid?
I then rang my deyrani at her parents and asked what happened - she was really upset and told me everthing that they dont treat her right
and she is basically treated like a servant there ( in all honesty i have seen this happen too - and so have other relatives)
and can’t go to her sister’s who is her next door neighbour, they do tannay all the time saying that they didnt want her married to their son
but her mum literally begged her parents for her rishta as they had no lady in the house at the time to care for them (the sister in law was married at the time of the rishta but soon after was divorced and is now living with them making life hell as she does tannay all the time
"were gonna get him married again and have you seen your face " .She is the silent types that doesnt utter a sigh no matter what they do or say to her, her m-inlaw hit her once with stick and sister-inlaw is always pushing her about, they have never taken her shopping EVER and her sister in law buys her a jora ONLY on eid, they once blamed her saying she ate all the eggs the hen layed - she is stick thin snd is sooo kamzaur since being wed their
and her parents have now had enough as all relatives have told her in-laws to sort themselves out and when the in laws and sister in law went to her parents they said we are not taking her and have you seen her face and we gonna get our bro married again -this really pissed me off as my nand aint spectacular looking either - and her parents understandingly have now said they not sending her back until they make seperate accomadation for them ( which they can do and afford ).
What i want help in is that my hubby cant see his parents/sis faults, why is it that your daughter or sis pain is pain
and d/in-law pain is not - why cant they treat her like their own daughter? why does my hubby need to take sides instead of seeing the other person as a human - how do i make him see that - i gave him an example on a drama on telly he seemed to uderstand whats wrong and right then but when it comes to his parents he just seems to just find them right - can anyone give a solution ?
She's better off without such in-laws, nobody deserves to be treated the way you've described your SIL being treated.
As for your husband....I suppose he'll always side with his family because that is his family. However, sometimes, over time people realise things, and maybe he will realise that his family are in the wrong, but it may take time for this realisation to come. It's pretty sad, but true.
Btw, how have you kept yourself away from all the drama from the in-laws??
Okay the eating all the eggs that the murghi laid argument is funny…just cuz it’s ridiculous. I bet the SIL at all the anday and needed someone to blame
Parshan, it’s hard to treat someone just like your own children. That is understandable…but one can at least expect to be treated like a human being, right? And for some people, even that is hard to manage.
Honestly, even if a woman was to go back to live with her husband…who had supported his parents and siblings’ idea to divorce her…how can she see him in the same nazar again? How can she even respect him again? I imagine that she’d lose respect, trust, affection for someone like that.
Yes, there are two sides to a story…but you’re saying that OTHER relatives have also noticed that your devrani is being abused by her in-laws…so that means there is consistency.
Why would she want to go back? Does she have any children? If not, she’s lucky because that is not a healthy environment to raise a child in. I think it’s better if your devrani gets a divorce and goes to live with her husband. I think she should be the one to end things with them first…if she is CONFIDENT that her husbad won’t change…won’t make compromises, etc.
There’s gotta be a special place in Hades…reserved just for such desi in-laws. Let Allah deal with your in-laws and the hoor-pari of a SIL. Jaanay se pehlay…she should grab those anday and hurl them at her face.
i just feel sad for her and feel helpless - and do wonder if she and her two kids will be better off without them
I have told my hubby that i think its wrong, and have also said to the in laws to that sort it out
but havent gone in all guns blazing as i dont want to get into a big fight with hubby, and just pray that they will see that
they are in the wrong and will change their ways.
As for me we are in the uk so we only chat on the phone but recently have not to show i dont approve of this.
^It's sick that your husband agrees with his parents. Let's just hope he doesn't turn on you in the same way...if he supports his parents and siblings' mentality.
Do the kids need to be raised in a home where they see their mother being beaten with a stick and pushed around...and their father doesn't defend her? Do the kids need to hear that father/dadi/phuppo want him to get remarried because they don't like the way that she looks....which is the only argument you've provided....and they should have thought about her looks before agreeing to a marriage. If your devrani has a son.....do you want him to pick up this abusive behavior from his father and his family? If she has a daughter....do you want her learn that she should live as someone's pair ki joothi for the rest of her life?
So what are you hoping for when you say that you want them to "sort it out" and if you wonder whether or not they'll be better off? Maybe your devrani will have to find a job to raise her kids....but at least there will be sukoon and IZZAT for her and her kids, right? Is that not iportant? Some things cannot be compromised upon.
Parshan, there are obviously underlying issues with the husband and wife themselves that others are getting involved now. The thing to ask is what is wrong between that particular relationship, why is it so weak that the husband is ready to let it break and also why is it so weak that the husband allows for all of this to happen. That is what needs to be asked. Also, the husband needs to be appealed to rather than family etc. The rest are in the mix to just ruin matters, rather than fix them.
Also, above all else, keep your marriage intact and unscathed by this. At the end of the day, there is only so much you can do to help. But in helping don't harm your own marriage. Marriage is sacred. Protect yours at all costs, even if it kills you to watch this happen.
Your husband can only exercise a particular amount of influence on this situation anyway. Dont push him unnecessarily.
Keep in mind that she took a step herself knowing her husband and the possible consequences. She is an adult and is responsible for that step. As sad as it is, what was happening was her situation, and what IS happening is how she chose to deal with it.
Her lot in life could have possibly been to either bear it or leave it.
Your in-laws sound like they're way beyond help. There are so many issues it will take your devrani an entire lifetime fixing them.
So its better she goes home and stays there because nowhere does it say a woman has to pay her dues to society by being treated like a second class citizen by her in-laws.
I have 0 sympathy for your in-laws.
I feel you should stay out of this as its got trouble written all over it.
I feel your devrani has a better shot at seeing a pig fly than seeing a desirable conclusion to this mess.
I feel you should stay out of this as its got trouble written all over it.
^ This. If your husband and in-laws are treating YOU well....then count your blessings. I understand that you feel bad for HER.....but you getting involved in this and trying to encourage your husband to go against his family will hurt your marriage (and sour your relationship with your in-laws).
Again...assuming that your husband and in-laws treat YOU well.....before saying anything else to your husband or family about this.....you really need to ask yourself whether or not you're willing to risk your own marriage/happiness in order to stand up for your sis-in-law.
Agree with the others. The way that your in-laws are behaving and considering how your husband fully supports their views.....ya never know....what if your husband was to turn against you for being active in supporting your devrani? And I know that even suggesting that you be careful....is sad cuz it seems a bit cowardly.
Trying to convince your husband to get his parents and brother to accept your devrani....may not be the best thing for her. She was already suffering to begin with....and now that they're talking about getting another wife.....it will make her feel even more rejected if she stays with him and puts up with that attitude. There can be greater good in liberation for not only her but for all parties invovled.
Thats the thing RV i feel as a decent human being watching someone suffer and not saying anything is cowardly
but i know if i do say summat im afraid i may ruin my own marriage, as in the past when i visited my inlaws with hubby i did see the way they treated her and once when we were going to go shopping i asked her to come and said to my hubby i wanna take her ,he agreed but then my sister in law went and told f/i/law and he said why she going for? i said infront of everyone that i wanna take care and why cant she go with us?
thats when my hubby sis (elder one who was visiting) said let them go, later that evening they were saying things to my hubby after that hubby and me had words thats when i realised that if i say anything or get involved our marriage may suffer, which is going good otherwise and we have two kids, My inlaws have never really said anything to me otherwise but they do ring saying this happened that and so on and were asking what my mum said to which i replied to mu hubz that why they involving my mum? its between them and the girls parents sort it out between themselves as i know as soon as my mum says summat they going to escalate things, so i said to hubby that we dont wanna know what's happening their
I think you people are right she is better off at her parents
^Maybe because this bahu is from uk and their son is sending money from here
and think we better keep her sweet?
But that dont mean they treat the other one like that, with their own daughter divorced they should no better
maybe she dont need a husband who dont treat her right
Parshan........your in-laws (including your devrani's husband)....have STOLEN that girl's peace of mind. Time that she could have spent peacefully/happily....was STOLEN from her. Her self-esteem was DESTROYED. She was HUMILATED time and time again in front of other people. They have robbed her of so much................so why would ANYONE in their right mind want her to go back to that hell-hole?
Just stay out it..and give the other person some room to breathe without being bombarded by people's various opinions and naseehatain from every corner. Let her parents (hopefully they are supportive and sensible) take care of her and help her heal. I dunno how effective this will be......but maybe after some time has passed.....calmly ask your husband if he would ever treat you in the way your devrani was treated......ask him what he would do if his own sister was treated this way........ask him what he would do if it were his own daughter.......and then ask him that if something is clearly a zulm, then why is it okay for one person to be treated this way not for another.....and then let him know (again gentley....even if he argues) that Allah's going to hold us accountable for our indirect and even silent participation in wrong matters........and He will hold us accountable for what we failed to do...what we didn't stand up for....and that nobody male/femal/parents are safe from His judgment. And end things on that note. Let these thoughts rankle in his head and make him internally uncomfortable. Maybe the next time...he'll have more courage.
This is what I don't get, how can they treat you normally but treat your devrani like garbage? Don't abusive in laws treat ALL of their bahus badly?
It seems the younger DIL lives with the in-laws.
The OP does not live with them and is the elder son's wife.
Also, people know who to prey on and who not to mess with. The devrani seems to be a meeker, quiet sort who is easier to push around. The OP has probably been married longer, has two kids and an overall stronger relationship with her spouse since she doesn't live with the in-laws. It would be impractical to mistreat her as they can't brainwash their son by drilling his head 24/7.
This is why living with your spouse separately for at least a little while is important...
Your in-laws sound like they're way beyond help. There are so many issues it will take your devrani an entire lifetime fixing them.
So its better she goes home and stays there because nowhere does it say a woman has to pay her dues to society by being treated like a second class citizen by her in-laws.
I have 0 sympathy for your in-laws.
I feel you should stay out of this as its got trouble written all over it.
I feel your devrani has a better shot at seeing a pig fly than seeing a desirable conclusion to this mess.
