Re: In-law trouble - please advise
In-law trouble? Hire an outlaw
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
OP, you have a really good heart.. Now she is away from the inlaws might be best to just leave it be but if she was living there I would defo say speak up if you can.. I'm like you, I could never keep quiet knowing someone is going thru a hard-time and it would really wind me up if my other half kept quiet or seemed not to care.. People do say 'don't get involved' but if you were in her shoes I bet it would be breaking your heart if no-one came forward and stood up for you..
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
I find it so cowardly when people just say leave it be and let them sort it out.
If they could sort it out wouldn't they have done so before the kids?
I guess I just don't understand ;<
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
Parishan
Sincere advice for you more than your devrani , I would watch your back as if they can do that to your devrani they can do that to you, ALLAH hadayat de sab ki and you need to be insistent that what they are doing is wrong if you keep quiet they will assume that they can do the same to you ..
It is best to keep a distance from them all
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
^I don't agree with the idea of doing nothing at all. I think that you should just give Devrani...some room to breathe instead of giving her your opinions, etc. She has two kids with her husband...and in all this time her husband and in-laws behavior has only gotten worse, so I don't think (based on what you've posted) that she should go back to her husband. As for you....I think it would be easier for you to try and talk to your husband about his behavior......at this point....as opposed to confronting your in-laws. Bring up some Islamic references. And maybe if you're able to knock some sense into him....he could try to reason with his family. The risk would be whether or not....your husband would tell his family that you were the one who discussed the matter with him (which u have every right to do)....which COULD also turn them against you.
Maybe your husband is a much better person than his brother and parents/siblings. And maybe there are so many positive qualities in him that...it's a marriage that should be kept intact. BUT...at the same time...I think that if he supports his family.....not because he's too coward to stand up to them......BUT because he actually believes that their abuse is right............wouldn't that make you not want to even stay with him? Cuz that's such a turn-off. No, I'm not advocating that u leave your husband.....but doesn't the fear that he could treat you in the same way linger in the back of your mind?
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
so the advice of staying out of it......is that really moral?
is that what you would want someone to do if you were in the devrani's predicament?
I'm just asking.....
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
so the advice of staying out of it......is that really moral? is that what you would want someone to do if you were in the devrani's predicament?
I'm just asking.....
Exactly..
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
Nope, it's not moral. It has happened to me and I did what I had to do, going against hubby and his parents and the girl is now living with us. I don't stand for B.S.
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
so the advice of staying out of it......is that really moral? is that what you would want someone to do if you were in the devrani's predicament?
From what I read...it looks like the devrani is with her family. So its not like she's all alone with no one helping her.
As for whether or not it's "moral" for the OP to stay out of it....I'm not sure about that. However, I do think OP needs to be fully aware of the possible consequences of her actions. If OP continues to encourage her husband to go against his family.....it definitely has the potential to ruin OPs marriage (and I honestly don't think OP has seriously considered that possibility).
There is no "right" or "wrong" in this in my opinion. At the end...its all about what "price" we're willing to pay in order to help someone in need. It's very easy for everyone here to tell OP to get involved....after all....NONE of our relationships/marriages will be effected by OPs actions....none of us are risking our relationship with our spouses/in-laws by doing this. If OP feels that her need to help the devrani is worth the risk of her marriage going sour...then by all means she should continue staying involved.
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
so the advice of staying out of it......is that really moral? is that what you would want someone to do if you were in the devrani's predicament?
I'm just asking.....
Muzna, I guess it doesn't sound moral to stay out of it. You're right.
But if the OP gets involved, she rocks her own boat and there's no guarantee what that will mean for her.
And I could be wrong...but I feel the devrani is probably better off this way.
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
I understand about being worried about your own situation still I can't help but think about the tables being turned......
I can't help but relate this to someone in the street being beaten up and people just walking by.
I am not blind to the potential repercussions of the OP's actions however the world could be a much better place if more people with common sense would get involved when they see injustice.
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
Oh come on, surely those people advising you to stay out of it would not do the same thing if they were in your position? I know I couldn't sit back and see any female in my family go through this.
As far as I see it, you are the older daughter in law, and in some way you and your husband have a duty to your nieces and nephews to try and salvage the situation so that the children will not grow up without a father around them. I hate the way that as soon as something so small goes wrong Pakistani people have a habit of declaring divorce!
I think you should speak to you husband and take that stance on it. That for the children's sake this marriage is salvageable, obviously with close monitoring by you and your husband and your sister in laws family.
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
I can't help but relate this to someone in the street being beaten up and people just walking by.
How is the devrani's situation anything similar to someone being beaten in the street while people are walking by?
Unless I misunderstood something, the devrani is currently residing with her family, and is in a safe place where she is not being physically/emotionally abused. No one is causing her physical harm at her parents house.
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
That's the thing i keep thinking about that atleast she is not being mentally and emotionally abused
now that she is at her parents, as listening to everyone cussing you and your parents day and night can
make you depressed. I think she has changed so much from what she used to be ( always smiling, pretty )
now she looks so aged and has teeth missing (they havent even bothered to get her teeth checked/replaced)
Its like she is not allowed no opinions or have any say in anything anymore and even when i used to speak to her she would just say 'ji theek'
thats it :( i miss the time we had fooling about just before we got married ( i chipped my tooth on a coke bottle and she couldnt stop laughing)
this was 10 yrs ago we got married at the same time.
I have always said to her ( when i got the chance ) you need to stand up for yourself and speak up as the one doing evil is a sinner
and the one putting up with it is even bigger , but she keeps saying i have to think about everyone's izzat and besti and her parents are supporting
her but to be honest her brothers and sister in laws - are rights one's and i think she doesnt want to be a burden on them
as she has not been educated much she has to rely on them for their support. It would have been a diff story if she were here and atleast no-one would have objected of her getting herself educated and be able to support her own kids.
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
I don't know if your question was directed to me Muzna..since you posted after me.
Yes, it's important to help people and I mentioned earlier that it is cowardice to not do anything....but the OP also needs to consider her own marriage/home...and help devrani in a way that...at the same time...won't hurt her marriage. I think it's very risky for her to stand up to her in-laws because they're blind to anything their bahus would have to say...it would smart their egos. But if she tries to reason with her husband....(depends also on her approach)....HE might be able to talk to his family. They may be more open to listening to him than their DILs. That's one strategy she can try.
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
^It's really unfortunate and I will never understand why people don't see others' pain. I get so upset seeing things like that. If i were you, I would get involved. You can't turn a blind eye to injustice and especially to those who you know you can help. I would never be able to live with myself if I saw someone suffered like that and did nothing to stop it.
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
Parshan, why don't you talk to your husband about this in a calm manner. Ask him if he would ever treat you that way or tolerate his mother, siser, daugther being abused this way. Remind him that even those who participated indirectly in her abuse....or didn't stand up for it will be held accountable by Allah. If he starts making excuses for his parents and siblings.....then tell him "You're making excuses for them which shows you're being defensive...you're being defensive because you're feeling uncomfortable in your heart....you feel uncomfortable because even your zameer...the inner voice that Allah gave you....also knows it's wrong....but you still choose to support your parents simply because they are your parents...and on the Day of Judgement Allah doesn't look at relations....He looks at the actions and failure to act." You can manage to talk to him in the privacy of your own home. Maybe he'll feel uneasy enough to talk to his parents.
****Keep in mind....that just because they let the devrani go...doesn't mean that they'll mend their ways. They might treat the next bahu in the same cruel manner. She's probably getting a ton of advice from so many people. If you really want to make a difference....try talking to your husband again. It would be an indirect approach.
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
Also, make lots of dua for her.
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
My father in law rang today saying a relative was saying that my mum said
’ oh if they want to give talaq to the devrani they can do the same with my daughter’ WTF!! my mum said no such thing! 
maybe they are making it up to get a reaction from me or my mum??
My hubby said to them that its nonsense and why we gonna split for? i spoke to my f-inlaw and said calmly that let the hubby and wife discuss
things and see if they want to work at it and that all others should stay out if, to which he started nit picking saying she cant cook proper i felt like saying who else has been feeding you? then he said that we not going now they insulted us she can come back on her own accord if she wishes otherwise leave her. I dont see them budging and they keep brainwashing my hubz saying they insulted us which makes my hubby mad
and then sings in their tunes that they are right, i just feel really confused and upset about the whole thing 
Re: In-law trouble - please advise
I will repeat…I completely understand you wanting to help your devrani. BUT…by going against your in-laws…when they turn against you and start showing your and/or your family in a negative manner…it should not come as a surprise to you.
Everything in life has a price. You can (and probably should) stand up for what you believe in…but please be prepared for the consequences (ie. in your situation, the effect it will have on YOUR relationship with your in-laws and possibly your husband).