In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Hi, I am in a bit of a predicament. Need some advice from the masses.

I am pakistani - born and bred here like many of you. Edcuated to degree level. Always aspired to be the best I can be for my parents and family.

I am now 27. And embarking on the next chapter of my life - Marriage.

There were no suitable rishtaa’s everyone else in family is either older or younger, not educated etc. I have always preffered and asked my parents to look for me here. Push led to shove and I joined a online marriage thing, after countless buro’s (who are just after your cash btw).

So I looked on there parents wanted strict involvement - and they want a specific caste - Rajput. And whats worse they want 2 specific types of rajput (which narrows it down to like 2% of the worlds population, if that!)

I have always been optimistic so I thought ok why not. 9 months ago - came across the perfect person. Parents recently met, after parental phone calls to and fro. Dad only recently “asked around” the masses (community) on who they were as they were based in the south of the UK. And although I have talked to this person a few times online. He seems sincere, educated etc. But it turns out they are not rajput.

Well sort of. But not. More chaudery (mixture caste wise) I have always been brought up knowing that we are Rajas (BLAAAH BLAAAH) to me its like a broken record.

I know my choices are limiting. But do I go for it? This will upset the parents. Even though they have said they wanted my happiness - I know they will be upset as they are so so proud of this caste thing.

When they did find out - they said this, but I didn’t know what say or do, and they did express that they were not happy.

In addition they do want me to marry in the family - but its to a guy who is 22 - and from pakistan. However this was a family in which my Popooh got divorced from. And I am not too keen on it.

What shall I do? any suggestions? whimiscal remarks!?

Feeling rather unsure. As a girl marrying outside of a caste. Its complicated. And I know Islam totally refrains from this. Something I have told my parents time and time again.

Unfortunately it falls on deaf ears.

Any advice?

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the bottom line is, if you’re not happy, how can your parents be happy?

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Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?

caste? wow.. how can you even think about this crap.. when you are well educated and well settled.

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I can imagine it’s quite a confusing time for you but, like BBQ said the most important thing is your happiness especially when it comes to marriage. You said it yourself…the guy is perfect. Perhaps just sit with your parents and explain to them that marrying this guy will make you happy. Also, remind them that islamically a person’s caste is completely irrelevant.

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Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?

If parents were truly looking out for your happiness, they wouldn’t have such strict requirements nor push you to marry someone simply because they’re related.

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Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?

So your parents don’t want you to marry someone you’re compatible with just because he happens to have some non royal “rajput” blood in him. Instead you should marry someone who is 5 years your junior and is, for all intents and purposes, from another planet. Hmmm, decisions decisions.

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Okay…parents are not perfect. You know that. They’re infallible like every other human being. And when they make mistakes…then you gently remind them of what is right. Don’t use a harsh tone…be nice about it. I think that as a Muslim you have the responsibility to guide your parents when they’re upholding views that are unIslamic. Being passive about it can make one just as guilty.

Remind your parents:

  1. That they did not have any control at all over being Rajput. They just happened to be born into Rajput families…they did not “EARN” this title or caste. They did not work hard for it. Remind them that they could have JUST AS EASILY been born into a “chaudhary”…or “araain”…or “jat”…or “gujjar”…family. Similarly they could have just as easily been born into a poor family…an uneducated one…or a non-Muslim one…etc etc.

  2. ^Have them think about the above point. Then remind them that the caste system has no place in Islam. And that you are 27 years old…that you don’t have a long line of suitors waiting for you…and that it’s not reasonable to reject a guy over his “caste” when you find everything else about him to be COMPATIBLE. Again remind them that…this guy didn’t have any more control over his caste than THEY (your parents did). I can understand if you were not attracted to this guy. But since you find him to be “perfect” and if he’s the one for you…then stand up for it. Your parents may not be thrilled…but would they seriously “disown” you??? How long can they go without talking to you? Surely, not eternity.

  3. Remind parents of all of this guy’s positive points. And maybe get him and your parents to meet.

As far as the 22-year-old cousin is concerned…if you’re not interested…then please don’t pursue it. And ask your parents if they seriously think that marrying a considerably younger guy is a sure fire guarantee to a successful marriage as opposed to marrying someone of a different or mixed caste. For all they know…the marriage within the family can end up miserably. While religion does not prohibit marrying a younger guy (Prophet SAWS and Khadija RA)…guys mature slowly than girls. And 22 is young for a guy…especially in these times. He’ll still be in his twenties when you enter your 30s. Just because someone is from the same family and same caste does not guarantee marital bliss.

^I can think of similar cultural groups getting married and having the WORST marriages every. It takes more than caste to make a marriage work. Apart from caste…are the rest of the aspects such as main language (urdu), religion…traditions…the same??? If you were to put him next to a Rajput…would others be able to tell who is a rajput and who isn’t???

Talk to your parents intelligently. If they come up with the “obedience to parents” spiel…it’s because they can’t come up with a strong enough response to counter the above points. Discuss the issue intelligently…pursue it if you want to marry this guy.

Another weak argument your parents may come up with is “All our family members have married Rajputs. You’re going against the family tradition. What will the elders of our family say about you and about us??? They will think that you’re a disobedient. You will shame us.”

^Remind your parents that the rest of the “family members” could have just as easily also been born into a non-rajput family. And that instead of worrying about what other imperfect humans are going to say about us…let’s be more concerned about Allah’s judgment…especially when Islam (what we’re supposed to follow) shuns the notion of a caste system. Allah made nations, tribes, so we recognize one another…not so we LORD it over one another.

Encourage your parents to look at the issue from a logical perspective and not that of prejudice.

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:k:

Why is that so hard for some parents to understand??? How does “settling” for someone you’re totally not into…make one happy? Marriage is a gamble and an even greater one if you go into it with zero interest in the other person. In the event, that interest doesn’t develop in the marriage…how does it make anyone happy? It would be ruining your life…the guy’s life. Plus…a waste of the time, energy, and money that went into arranging a wedding (that you weren’t thrilled about in the first place)…and then the parents will end up dealing with the guilt of imposing decisions. And everyone will be crying over wasted time.

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Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?

your Phuppo got divorced among Rajputs???

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Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?

caste means nothing in this day and age. i live in the UK too and can’t think of a single family i know who have placed importance on caste or refused a rishta based on caste. if u are happy with him and want to marry him then ur parents should be happy too. sorry to if the following sounds harsh but at 27 ur not getting any younger. lets just say u refuse to marry this guy to make ur parents happy… then what? will u marry the 22 yr old in pakistan? if u don’t marry him how long do u think it will take to find someone else suitable who matches ur parents caste criteria? before u know it u might be in ur mid 30’s and then it really will be tough finding someone.

if u can really see urself building a future with this guy then go for it. tell ur parents u want to marry him. they might be upset at first but u need to explain that caste is not the be all and end all. would they be happier if u were 35 and unmarried just because u or they can’t find somebody from the same caste?

btw y r ur parents looking for rajput when ur raja’s? or is it the same caste?

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Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?

Caste system as strong in subcontinental muslims as in hindus.

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Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?

Unbelievable that in this day and age, this is still an issue for people.

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Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?

^ i know

no matter how much the world progresses, some of us will still be stuck in the old days.

khair, change takes time…

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Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?

Caste is a big deal for many many people…archaic but what can anyone do about this?

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Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?

They can take a stand for their opinions instead of being a doormat for Ammi Abbu susraal and mian sahib they will eventually end up with.

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Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?

And listen , I know it’s hard to take a stand. My family was dead set against me leaving home for college, dead set against me getting a car, refused to let me even TALK to a boy in my class, and I had to argue a lot with them. They finally saw sense and let me move and let me get a car and they realize how unhappy I’ve been not having gone to the northeast for education. They feel pretty crappy that I was so unhappy here in college. But at least I got halfway what I wanted but it would not have happened if my approach was to sit on GS and ask people for real advice. (sure I ask questions here but it’s usually to piss off the girls who sit on their comps all day waiting for their hub to come home because they were so lazy and beqaar in school that sitting at home was their best option :hehe: ducks )

Comon girls. Stand up for yourselves. All I hear here is Islam this and Islam that. You can’t even get yourselves your own Islamic rights then something is wrong with you. Quit being such mummy-daddy girls and be WOMEN.

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Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?

Hi guys, thank you for your comments. It is very hard. And a huge life changing choice. In terms of upsetting parents/parents way of thinking. And yes this is very real and it really does exist.

yes my popoye got married into my Uncles wifes family. And she literally got divorced days later because they were lying to us. Ok not days later - but a few months later. I find it shocking my parents have forgived the incident. But my Uncle did pass away. (Its a bit of a mess of a situation)

Redvelvet they did use the - “no one in our family has married into this caste” line on me.

My mum was almost bolloywood dramatic when she said to me “You are with the family OR you are not”

She also said alot the time - people marry into family its common and expected. Everyone elses girls do it. Look at so and so, and so and so!

May i ask another question here? How many of you - have married out of your own choice/or married who there parents said?

Just to understand if I am alone, or if there are others - who dare I say it…

Rocked the boat!

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Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?

okay I haven’t read your first question but now what you have asked , I got married to someone who was not from my cast and I was not from his. We both were from very different cultural back grounds. Mine was arranged marriage. It was not at all a pleasant experience , I wish I had married someone who had similar cultural background as I have. But not everyone’s experience is as bad as mine. You will find all sorts of people in every culture/caste. People get married into families and get divorced like u stated.

Someone said in above post that parents can also be wrong …yes thats true ! but do take account of what they are saying their concerns might be genuine. But don’t let go of a good guy just because of this caste thingy …rejecting someone on the basis of cast is just so low. Marry a guy for his goodness and kindness don’t marry him because of his caste. Allah has not created any caste so it really doesn’t exist it is just man made.

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PinkOrchids,

although I cannnot relate on a personal level a very dear friend of mine had a similar issue. She was around the same age as you, and unfortunately for her, her family also believed in marrying only into their own ‘caste’ and raja boys in her family were either married, not interested in marrying a desi girl or simply were not considered by the family due to ‘other’ issues.

As time went on she became depressed, ristaas came from some lovely families who were not rajas so automatically got declined.

After a while following advice from others she asked her aunt to speak to her mum and explain that she wished to marry with the blessing of her family, however she also knew that ristaas were ‘drying up’ within their circle and ristaas would be even harder to find in say 2 years time. After much debate amongst her family they finally decided to look outside the family, and consider other castes. But this only happend after their daughter got someone else to sit and talk to her parents. Her mum was deeply upset that her daughter went to her ‘khala’ instead of going to her mum but her parents simply wouldn’t listen.

I’m aware of a girl who married someone from another caste-her parents boycotted her nikaah and her brothers etc were quite horrid towards her. Around 3 months later they went to their daughters house all ‘happy happy’-basically the girls in-laws dignified approach to everything won over the girls father who took a stand against his wife.

Not many kids set out to upset their parents, why would they. However sometimes parents see things in a way they have always seen things rather than looking outside of the box.

Is there noone in your family who could sit and talk to your mum?

And if your mum goes into a Bollywood rage-it maybe best to walk away rather than fueling her fire. You don’t want to hurt her and I’m sure it’s the same vice-versa.

Are your parents fairly religious? Is there no Alimah/Alim/Imam who could explain the religious reasons behind why Muslims should attempt to avoid the caste system?

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i m rajput… married in chaudhry’s (my parents choice)… on day to day basis i dont any difference between the two… where exactly is the clash? what makes one better than the other?