Princess is right, it would be a good idea to try and get a family member or someone else ur parents might listen to to try and talk some sense into them.. Sorry if this sounds rude but from ur description it sounds as tho their pride is the determining factor in any possible match rather than **compatibility **(in terms of how well you get on with him, any ‘spark’, common interests etc) which should be the most important thing, I say this because u mentioned they’d like u to marry the 22yr-old from ‘back home’ in Pakistan. RV made some good arguments that u could try and persuade then with but I guess it might just go in one ear and out the other if it’s just coming from you and not someone older..
If you’re very keen on him keep trying but at the same time try not to anger them cos then they may just clam up on the subject altogether. Also there’s a chance they might soften a bit once they meet him if they haven’t already.. I’ve had friends who’ve been in similar situations (but not for the caste reason, mostly he/she had the wrong job ) but after their parents have met the person in question they’ve at least said they’ll think about it.. it’s easy for parents to pretend situations like this can just be ignored and forgotten about if they can’t put a face to the person, u need to prove as much as u can that you’re serious and willing to stand ur ground. As for the Bollywood dramatics unfortunately this seems to be the standard response from a lot of desi mothers, along with the self-pity the emotional blackmail often goes along the lines of ‘what did I do to deserve this??’, ‘why did I come to this country??’, ‘I won’t be able to show my face’ or even ‘if you marry him I will kill myself!!’ The truth is nine times out of ten the parents will come round to accepting the match.
She also said alot the time - people marry into family its common and expected. Everyone elses girls do it. Look at so and so, and so and so!
^^ 1) Ask her if she can quote a percentage on "alot of the time." Tell her you're doing a research report on imposed marriages.
2) Tell her that while cousin marriages are not prohibited in Islam....it's advised to marry outside of the family.
3) "Everyone elses girls do it". Tell her she sounds like a teenager saying "All the other kids are doin it". Ask her if you should jump of a cliff if everyone else is doing it. If you're feeling extremely wicked and want to scare her.....tell her that you used the "Everyone else is doing it" reasoning to justify smoking pot in high school. (Kidding)
4) When she says, "Look at so and so and so".............then YOU give her examples of "so and so and so and so and so and so" people that did not marry their cousin....and did not marry a Rajput....and are living happy lives.
5) And while you're putting forth these rhetorical questions......you should tell her that a wedding is supposed to be a joyous occasion, a good memory to look back on. And does SHE....as a mother....(yes, play the mommy card) want her daughter to be miserable on her wedding day....to sit there on the stage and go through all the motions with a heavy heart???? Ask her if she wants to rob you of that happiness that should ideally come once in a life time. Then ask her if she wants to spend all the money, time, and energy in a wedding in which her own daughter is not happy.
6) Praise mom's ego........whilst simultaneously spreading a **THICK **layer of guilt on her. Tell her how you always thought of her as more than just a mom....that you thought of her as your best friend.......someone who was different from the typical desi moms and actually understood her daughter....that you could trust her with anything........that you always thought she was a strong and independent minded woman who considered all angles before making a decision...........that you thought that your relationship had come to a point where you could speak to her as woman to woman.
.......then look down on floor with Bollywood style, teary-eyed, dejected face.....and say, "I guess I was wrong. I misjudged."
^After giving her the guilt trip.........proceed to......DAD......and use the same lines on him.
If all of the above prove futile............erm....bhook hartaal??
Why would you let someone else make this big of a decision for you. Parents don't have the all access pass in your life. You are an adult and can decide for yourself what is right or wrong for you. You don't have to be all bollywoodish and emotionally blackmail them. Doing so means you actually are not a mature and responsible person.
Just tell them how you feel and what you have decided for your life. They may or maynot understand, but this is a choice that you have to make.
the bottom line is, if you're not happy, how can your parents be happy?
err...its a sweet and optimistic way to think, but using this logic, you could justify a LOT of stupid decisions. "but mom, i'm in LOVE with the non-Muslim homeless guy who sits at the corner!" or "i'm just not HAPPY going to high school, i'd rather pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a famous juggler!" and couldnt the opposite be true as well? how can you be happy if your parents are unhappy? im saying this because my friend knows this girl who wanted to marry a non Muslim, Eastern European guy who had no immigration status in this country, wasnt well educated and was earning money by selling cars and shipping them to his home country. it wasnt even like he was good looking! so what kind of parent can justify saying yes to that for the sake of their daughter's "happiness?"
there needs to be a reasonable in-between. in PinkOrchids' particular case, i think she has a valid point and its her parents who are being illogical. If the guy comes from a nice family (not caste wise, but his parents and siblings are kind and considerate), he himself has good ikhlaaq, is well-educated, Muslim and makes a decent living, then your parents have no basis upon which to say no.
I am not, however, inclined to say that you should ignore everything for the sake of love....there are particular issues that our parents emphasize simply bc they CAN create problems later on in a marriage. For example, if the guy can't even support himself, finances very often play a hand in divorce. Unless you were raised in the middle of a Rajput only gaon and completely cut off from the rest of the world though, I dont see how marrying a non Rajput would be a problem.
Unfortunately for hyphenated Pakistanis, parents are still coming from those backgrounds where ethnic caste makes a big difference and for us, we are simply looking for just MUSLIM or maybe South Asian. Muhajir, Sindhi, Punjabi, Memon, these are all important classifications in the homeland whereas in the UK or USA, your parents should be over the moon if you simply bring home a Muslim or Pakistani.
Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?
Redvelvet, you make me laugh. (I mean when I first read that) You seem very clued up - have you been through this yourself?
And fasaadi - that is a interesting point.
To be honest, feel bit down by this, I did talk to my aunt about this last night and she said I should talk to my parents however its a sensitive subject. And it would make me a "outcast" if I went about it.
I know a lot of people on here - are stating that they married out of cast. (through parental set up) no one seems to have done it otherwise aka they had to win them around?
And as for the 22 year old. Hes from pakistan so therefore is Mature. However its not the ideal situation due to family history (and the fact that he is 22)
Just feel confused and a bit depressed by it all.
Nothing in life is ever easy!
Anymore out of cast marriages? (not extreme situations as european non-muslim/non-visa situations)
Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?
^ a lot of ppl in my family are married out of caste. some of them are married to ppl of the same caste but that's only because some of them are married to cousins or people from the same area in pakistan who happen to be the same caste. no one has gone out of their way to ensure that they are marrying into the same caste as it's never really been considered an issue.
do u have a brother who could possibly speak up on ur behalf? i know some desi parents are more open to listening to their sons rather than daughters.
i know of a family friends daughter who went thru something similar to u except this time the parents were resisting because the guy didnt have the right job in their eyes. her dad is really strict and would never let her go anywhere or do anything even tho she was 25 but she insisted on marrying a guy she liked. it took her a year to finally convince her parents and she had to go thru alot to get there. she's now happily married to him and they recently had a baby girl.
pls don't give up. u will probably feel scared confronting ur parents and speaking up, u might not ever get the outcome u want but atleast u know u tried ur best to talk them round. what u do after that is upto u. btw similar things have happend to females in my extended family over various things but the parents always eventually come round to the idea.
Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?
^ how did u manage that?
Actually, I've just remembered.. not quite the same as the caste thing but two of my dad's brothers married Syed girls (we're not into that stuff so it's not really something that's talked about in our family) despite them being a bit funny about 'marrying out' as well. One was love marriage, one was arranged and this was going back 30-odd years..
Re: In bit of a predicament - Out of Caste Marriage?
I do have to say it is much easier for men than women.
Its the so called "double standard culture" that I have seen time and time again.
I am not saying these particular scenerio - but generally its more acceptable if the male side of the family marry out. I think its under the whole "men carry on the title" so in that logic they think they carry on the caste too. (this is all known from the lovely family/growing up in the community)
) but after their parents have met the person in question they’ve at least said they’ll think about it.. it’s easy for parents to pretend situations like this can just be ignored and forgotten about if they can’t put a face to the person, u need to prove as much as u can that you’re serious and willing to stand ur ground. As for the Bollywood dramatics unfortunately this seems to be the standard response from a lot of desi mothers, along with the self-pity the emotional blackmail often goes along the lines of ‘what did I do to deserve this??’, ‘why did I come to this country??’, ‘I won’t be able to show my face’ or even ‘if you marry him I will kill myself!!’ 
The truth is nine times out of ten the parents will come round to accepting the match.