Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

[BlueBells]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

@BlueBells

You don't have to ask him all of these or ask them on one go, you can pick the ones you find relevant. Also once answered, you guys can discuss the answers over the phone, so it gives something to talk about instead of those awkward silences or long pauses.

Ah, excellent.

Is there any chance of getting a copy of the mark scheme too?

For those of you selective readers who quoted me, I NEVER said you need to ask him ALL of these questions. I just told her to pick the ones she felt were important and bring them up in a conversation, not in a Q/A format. And no, a scantron form won't be needed.

I don't know what kind of personality the OP has or what she's looking for in a guy, so I thought I'd put out an extensive list to help her out. And I do feel asking questions and getting to know the person are important. At least they were to me, so much so that we both took an Islamic marriage counseling class together for couples and that's where I came up with this list from.
Every couple is different. Possible issues that can arise between couples cover a very wide spectrum. That's why I feel it's crucial to know what's important to you and can't absolutely compromise on and discuss it with the partner-to-be.

Having said that, no marriage is risk-free, but at least you know you're not marrying a complete stranger and know what his take is on the issues that are important and could cause potential problems between the two of you. If he lied, then oh well, you'll know you got stuck with a liar rather than regretting the fact that you never bothered to ask him when the time was right.

Also someone asked if I'm married, no I'm engaged alhumdulilah and the fact that we made sure we were the right people for each other (no question was too dumb for us) before we brought it up with our parents helped us through the 2 year long rishta process through our families, even through times when we had very little contact with each other. It's not a perfect relationship, we have our ups and downs and always will, but at least we know it's a functional one.

I also noticed, some of you who said that asking questions wasn't important ended up putting questions that are a spin-off from the same extensive list I put, so I didn't get your point, really.

[hareem01]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

Please provide a list of questions to ask a girl too by a guy...thanks

1) you ask too many questions, are you from Bani Israel?

2) will you let my mother name our first child?

3) do you believe in letting yourself go after the age of 25?

4) are you a pure virgin?

5) do you consider yourself a feminazi?

[BlueBells]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

^^ ha ha Hareem. I bet that's exactly what NomiCA bro will ask.

[Mirch]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

@hareem01

2. are you pure virgin?

What is the difference between pure and contaminated virgin ?

[hareem01]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

@Mirch

What is the difference between pure and contaminated virgin ?

pure one has never interacted with a na mehram, in fact, she wears a veil in front of mehrams too.

[STA]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

hareem, mirch: are you guyz serious?

[hareem01]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

dang! my 7 year old just read this post, he's asking "what is a virgin", I had to come up with a reply like "you know Virgin trains and aeroplanes" ?

I better stop writing in front of them.

[ZareenKhan]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

Itney questions poocho gi tau banda bhaag jai ga :p He seems to be a reasonable guy from the answers he provided to your dad. Just identify issues and matters which are important to you and then talk to him on these issues. Religion, the way he wants to live after marriage, future relations which he wants to keep with your family, extent of independence he is willing to give you after marriage, any previous relationships, any habits which he wants to inform you about (smoking, snoring etc.) etc are important IMO. Be prepared to answer any of his similar questions.

I dont know how many of you proposing these questions are actually married, but please do come out of your dreams and illusions. I would not ask any of these question simply because of two reasons.1. How do you even know if their answers are really true ? They could be telling you what you want to hear!2. If knowing a person well could guarantee a happy marriage, all marriages in the west would be successful.And also, please remember that there is a fine line between getting to know someone and interrogating.

I agree with you both. I don't mind the idea of asking basic questions but going for the whole list would put off many people and rightly so. I guess engagement period is basically the time to to figure out the list of questions provided however in our culture it is considered marriage so we cant backout that eaisly.

[soconfused]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

And make sure he is not impotent either. Marriage of my best friend's sister got broken within a couple of months because the guy was impotent and did not tell anybody about it. She found it out after they got married.

is there even a way to find this out before getting married? besides demanding medical history? (I"m not trying to be a smart arse, I'm genuinely asking because I know a girl that this happened to as well)

[Naabigh]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

O my good Lord - this many questions - Sali shadi na hovi - chemistry kay MCQs ho ga’ay :hinna:

[Naabigh]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

1) you ask too many questions, are you from Bani Israel?

Sheesh , Pathans could take it as an indirect insult as they claim to be from one of the lost tribes :)

[MissFreudian]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

Wearing a seatbelt doesn't guarantee that you won't die in a car crash. But that doesn't mean that you don't wear one each time you get in the car b/c it decreases your odds of dying.

Not actually "married" but I've been with my fiance for almost 3 years. We got engaged after dating for 2.5 years. At least for me, many of the questions I listed....are things my fiance and I have discussed over time. If my fiance and I did not agree on many of the points...we would not be engaged today. Unfortunately I don't think the OP has 2.5 years to "get to know" the guy(and his family)....she has a much shorter deadline.

Does me knowing all this right now "guarantee" that my marriage will be successful and that I will not get divorced? No.

Does is significantly decrease the amount of arguments I will have with my fiance after marriage? Yes.

Does it decrease the odds of my marriage failing? In my humble opinion, yes.

I don't think any of us are trying to say that the OP can "guarantee" that she will have a happy, successful marriage if she finds out all these details before baat paaki (at least I'm not!). I think the point of finding out all these issues which has the potential to tear a couple apart after marriage is to DECREASE the odds of divorce. There are absolutely no guarantees when it comes to life.

As for the guy lying....of course there is a chance that he will lie! Again...no guarantees. But there is also that chance that he will not lie and be honest. After thinking about the questions and finding her OPs views on certain things....who knows....maybe the guy himself might decide that they're not compatible! And worst case scenario, let's say the guy lies about something right now that causes that marriage to fall apart in the future....at least the OP at that time won't beat herself thinking "Only if I had asked him before marriage this MIGHT have been prevented.".

I think the seat belt analogy is misplaced when talking about marriages. With all due respect, if I knew someone for 2 or 3 years before I even contemplate getting engaged to them , then sure enough I would ask them all the 100 questions and more. But in arranged marriages, you don’t have that luxury . In certain respects the OP is lucky that she lives in the west and has been given the opportunity to find out a little more about the guy. The point is, what will she or he find out from these questions in a limited time. It is not a question of lying , but rather will they really know what kind of spouse they will become themselves? We have all heard of a good daughter, a good sister but who turns out to be a lousy wife. A bad brother can sometimes turn out to be a great husband. It is a relationship like no other, with dynamics which one cannot fully comprehend before marriage. and until you are in that relationship of marriage you really are just guessing . This guesswork raises your expectations before marriage. Ask anyone married and they will tell you that the key to success in any marriage is not to have any high expectations.
What you say before marriage will not help you much, but what is said and done AFTER the marriage , determines whether the marriage will be successful or not.

[Disney_Princess]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

Ask anyone married and they will tell you that the key to success in any marriage is not to have any high expectations.

I have heard that too, because they say if you have low expectations you won't be disappointed, and any other good thing is a bonus. This view is very down to earth and I totally understand it. However, I think it's more a thing about regretting not asking certain questions later on. And like everyone else has said, OP should probably be selective, as she won't get positive answers for all her questions anyway, and some may not matter i.e. the retirement savings - it seems a bit long-winded IMO.

[blessed2006]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

And make sure he is not impotent either. Marriage of my best friend's sister got broken within a couple of months because the guy was impotent and did not tell anybody about it. She found it out after they got married.

aww sad to hear that.

[Orpheus]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

ask if he's into bondage, a yes to this and he's a winner.

[stoppit]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

dang! my 7 year old just read this post, he's asking "what is a virgin", I had to come up with a reply like "you know Virgin trains and aeroplanes" ?

I better stop writing in front of them.

lol, best thing i read all day.

[stoppit]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

ask if he's into bondage, a yes to this and he's a winner.

yeh, if he's the one that likes being tied up.

[NomiCA]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

question# 101.........does he stare at other women?

[somebodycall911]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

BlueBalls, that 100 q list was absofkin ridicolous. I'd say do what your gut/heart says.

And if any girl asks me how many kids I plan to have, my response would be:

"Jitnay Allah dey ga, mein tou laga rahoun ga"

I hope that wouldn't scare any girls away.

[KiteRunner]

Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

BlueBalls, that 100 q list was absofkin ridicolous. I'd say do what your gut/heart says.

And if any girl asks me how many kids I plan to have, my response would be:

"Jitnay Allah dey ga, mein tou laga rahoun ga"

I hope that wouldn't scare any girls away.

I'm pretty sure it would.

There's a guy that lives in our area, he has THIRTEEN children and counting because he believes it's sinful to stop ¬¬
People actually call him 'Crazy insert Asian name here'.

So yeah, the how many children question is a good one, how long do you have to just talk? Most of these questions should just flow in a regular conversation, you may have to be more direct if you have less time.