Bliss or Hell? ** One of the most important event in anyone`s life is marriage. I found out that it is not really as simple as it used to be. People have complicated marriage to a point where it is now one of the scariest things anyone does - male or female.
Marriage is not about finance alone, though it does play a great role in it. One needs to be stable financially to live the married life - because it has requirements that are fulfilled only with enough finance.
Lets face it, people are paranoid. They fear too much. And most females in the Middle East are not really so independent even if they work and earn their own money. The structure is such that it makes her the subject of some man or family and regardless of any degree of independence , she is looked upon as a weak creature that needs to be guided and cannot make her own decisions.
So, when it comes to she herself deciding to marry a man of her choice, she is scrutinized to the point of being destroyed mentally. In certain cases, she may even be killed.
why a women can t decide her fate ..hmmm
**There is no question of a girl marrying into a different culture. This is totally unacceptable even if she longs for it. Whereas Islam allows any muslim from anywhere to marry any other muslim from any country, our cultures totally restrict that. This causes a number of things to happen. Since, society also dictates that we must work and earn - male or female. - interaction between opposite sexes is inevitable. This leads to affairs and associations that can become very physical very easily. And thus," haram" does happen. No matter how much we pretend or deny it - at least 70% of our youth is now actively engaged in illegal associations with the opposite sex. Who is then responsible for this?
Who decides what is right or what is wrong anymore??
I really found myself confused after reading this article …on one side we want women to be fully independent ..society to be fully modernized…on other side we just think …religion can t be the one ..hmmm
I mean religion is above all as being a muslim .. everybody want to a successful rascal in this life as well as after that …
i agree with mamaof3. when u're with a guy who loves u and u love him for who he is...then everything works out. u will respect him and he will respect u. u will make compromises that dont agree with your philosophy of life sometimes and he will respect your independence. the rest is all trivial.
^^ These are such BS answers. when you are with a guy whom you love and he loves you blah blah blah....Are you telling me that people who get divorced within the first year of marraige despite being together for years before were not in love?
i have to say "it depends". If both guy and gal are all set in careers etc and THEN they marry, it would come as a big surprise should they divorce. If a couple is in "flux", not sure of career, major, what they want from life etc....well then its really anyones guess, EVEN if they are "truly" in love at the time. Thats the prob in a nutshell...people change as they mature and marriage is for those who are mature enough, and entrenched enough in the life that they want for themselves that it isnt going to change all that much.
I beg to differ. External factors do matter, as does religion, culture, values, beliefs etc. Love goes out the window when there are financial pressures or cultural pressures. Yes islam does allow the inter-racial marriages but trust me its not as easy as one would like to believe. It is always better to marry someone who shares your culture and religion than having the extra stress on a marriage of having to make adjustments which one resents at some point. love is secondary. It is not the be all and end all in a marriage.
Samnizi what do mean by saying that just because one is not allowed to marry outside their culture it inevitably leads to affairs??? I don’t get it. There is no justification for having illicit relations. Not the inter mingling of opp. sexes, and certainly not because the women are not allowed to marry outside their culture.
Women can be both independent and modern and religious, keeping their moral dignity intact. Who says you can’t be successful in both worlds without being immoral?
i guess i wasnt speaking at such a general level. what i meant to say was more along the lines of that if u were supposedly getting married to a guy you loved and he in turn loved you then the importance of external factors like how expensive a ring he bought for you or how much money each side spent on marriage are to a great deal minimized. i never said religion and cultural beliefs are not important when it comes to marriage. i said both sides will compromise more in the case where they care about each other. i dont see whats so hard to grasp or BS about such a simple statement
^ I disagree with both of you. Love does not "go out the window" in times of financial or cultural pressures. In fact, love is what enables my husband and I to work through any of these issues fairly easily and respectfully, as opposed to my devar and devrani, who although they are from the same culture, don't share any love or respect.
Intercultural marriages can be just as easy, if not easier than those between the same culture. The key is love, respect, and similar life goals. My husband and I have both made adjustments, but they are not really that much different than the adjustments that any couple makes - what to eat, how to budget, the basic household arrangements.
Most problems in intercultural marriages are caused by the people who are outside the marriage - in-laws, (out-laws), aunties, and so on. The best is to ignore them.
Even first part of your argument is not tenable as such gestures seem to fade away once you start facing the life together. As someone said already its not the love alone that you need to live. So many other miscellaneous matters crop up later.
Partly agree with you so far u continue living like this but there is no explicit guarantee that it will continue on its own without any element of sacrifice both of you will require to make as the time goes by. My prayers and good wishes are with you.
Are you married? My husband and I have been married more than 15 years now, alhamdulillah. We have compromised many times, and there is nothing wrong with that. Compromise and sacrifice are parts of any marriage. Intercultural and interacial marriages aren't unique in this.
Do you think that you will have an easier time of it if you are married to someone from the same culture? What if your personalities are completely different and you don't love each other? If there is no love and respect behind the compromise, then that is where resentment comes in.
pardon me for being idealistic but thats exactly where i disagree. i think love comes first and misc factors come second.
the same way if there is no love in a relationship i believe it is better to walk away than stay to conform to society's standards.
^Shweetz you'll find that durign marriage there are times that you will love your husband more than others. Love isn't the only basis for a good marriage, you should respect one another and treat each other well too. In an arranged marriage if you begin by respecting one another and looking for common ground, then insh'Allah love will eventually come.
There may even be times when you can't think of any reason why you love your husband, but if you remember that you respect him as a person, you'll fall in love with him again.... you can't be impulsive in marriage.
But I do agree that if you're in an arranged marriage and can't find any common ground after a few years, then sometimes you just have to pack it in and try again.
Yes I am married and I can understand what meaning love has in a marital life and how important it is for the couple to be steadfast in containing the pressures of external pressures keeping their hope alive in the mesmirizing bondage of love in the face of every adverse happening. True that the real love has the power and potential to defeat the agreesive onslaughts of derivisive onslaughts of external factors. I dont doubt it but what I mean to say here that to make your love live in all the times of your marital life, you need to have your requirements fulfilled and in it comes the social cost of a marital life (love or arranged) The better one is equipped to defray such expenses as are actually worth defraying, the pressure on your love lightens, resulting in the more faith to face adversities. If for any reason the pressure is built up on continuous basis, chances are that the test may weaken your ability to keep on sacrificing.
You are again being idealistic. I do not wish to undermine the power of love and I do not undermine the power of social pressures on your love life. Its a two way struggle. One needs to go out and work and come back home to reinforce his committment to love. Failure on this count may fail the other thats what I want to highlight. Utopian thoughts about endless survival of love on its own is fallacy.
^ True, but it also depends very much on priorities, and strength of character. If you have a weak personality and give undue importance to others' opinions, then you are unlikely to be in a mixed marriage in the first place.
However, if you are more concerned about your religion than your culture, and don't allow outside interference, then cultural differences are unlikely to become a serious issue.
I don’t get it. There is no justification for having illicit relations. Not the inter mingling of opp. sexes, and certainly not because the women are not allowed to marry outside their culture.