Both in arranged and love marriages, is it sensible to reach agreements about specific issues before marriage and expect the other party to stick to the agreement in the long run?
For example, can the girl state clearly that she won’t be leaving her job after marriage or that she will be living separately after marriage and expect the husband/ in-laws to stick to this agreement in the long run? What are the chances that the husband changes his mind and forces the wife to do/ stop from something which was not agreed between them before marriage? How rigid or flexible should a wife be in such circumstances since it was clearly stated before marriage?
Do guys/ their families tend to say yes to such ‘demands’ temporarily before marriage knowing that the girl will be in their control after the marriage and they can make her do whatever they like?
Re: Importance of Agreements reached before marriage
I have yet to see the case where guys family change after marriage. Mean what i have seen is that when girl clearly said that she wouldn't do job after marriage then in-laws and husband respects her demand. same in the case when girl clearly said that she would continue her job they don't stop her doing that. Because in-laws and husband know that for successful marriage one has to respect other demands which has been discussed before.
In fact i think its better to discuss these things before marriage so that guy and his family know what girl wants and can they give her that much freedom and all.
Re: Importance of Agreements reached before marriage
it entirely depends on the thinking of other family some times izat dar and zaban k pakkay log stick to their commitment but people who are low in thoughts and cheap they do not as their main thinking is lerki hmari tou marzi b hmari
Re: Importance of Agreements reached before marriage
Agreements can not secure happiness in a relationship, understanding can.
This means such arrangements can be workable in love marriages where there is a greater understanding between the partners since the begining and not in arranged marriages. This must be one of the most important benefits of love marriages where partners can easily share their expectations and make their partners agree in an amicable environment.
I have a cousin who has a BDS (dentist) degree. She is not willing to do job after marriage and her family puts this as a condition to the guys families. I wonder if she will be able to stick to her guns after marrying in an arranged setting where majority of the proposals she gets is because they want a doctor (although dentist) bahu. Some of them even offered to open a clinic for their bahu (everyone knows the income levels of dentists) but she is very rigid in her ideas.
Re: Importance of Agreements reached before marriage
it entirely depends on the thinking of other family some times izat dar and zaban k pakkay log stick to their commitment but people who are low in thoughts and cheap they do not as their main thinking is lerki hmari tou marzi b hmari
now that's a very all-encompassing judgement......
what happens when izzat dar and zaban kay pakkay log face circumstances that are beyond their control? would it be wrong for an izzat dar and zaban ka pakka husband to ask his wife to stay home and look after his soon to pass, ill father?
seriously now......one should think before making such broad condemnations.
Re: Importance of Agreements reached before marriage
now that's a very all-encompassing judgement......
what happens when izzat dar and zaban kay pakkay log face circumstances that are beyond their control? would it be wrong for an izzat dar and zaban ka pakka husband to ask his wife to stay home and look after his soon to pass, ill father?
seriously now......one should think before making such broad condemnations.
Occassional disagreements like the one you mentioned can be easily dealt with proper understanding between husband and wife. The situation you mentioned obviously requires understanding from the wife and she will be cooperating with her husband if she has even little insaaniyat (although many people would argue that husband's fathers khidmat and care is the responsibility of the husband only and not his wife).
I am talking about completely nullifying what was agreed at the time of marriage about certain issues. What if the husband completely stops the wife from doing job although it was agreed that the wife can continue with her career after marriage. Such issues can damage a relationship and happens in arranged marriages.
Re: Importance of Agreements reached before marriage
Why would she occupy a seat in a professional school if she has no intention of practicing/working in the profession
I am the very first proponent of women being educated - an educated mother is best able to raise enlightened and socially conscious children. And since a mother’s godH is the first dars a child has, it is critical that a mother herself be educated (which I do not necessarily equate to a degree).
But, women who take up seats in professional schools for the sake of building their rishta resumes are selfish. The same seat could have been better given to another woman or man who would be working and using the income to support their family.
Re: Importance of Agreements reached before marriage
self interest/satisfaction perhaps?
That's a fair answer EXCEPT let's use the medical school example. If 50% of the seats were taken by people who wanted to study for self-interest/satisfaction and had no intention of pursuing a career - what happens to the community that is need of medical services? Should we as a community be okay that there are a lot of knowledgeable in the world, but who cannot/will not provide medical services?
Re: Importance of Agreements reached before marriage
I think you have just chalked out extreme case scenario. If in any given year, there are 5% of such students in the class (who dont have plans to practice their profession), we will not head towards disaster.
Secondly, your case is more stronger for the Govt colleges of countries like Pakistan, India etc where Govt takes the burden of expenses for each pro. For private colleges, formula is simple. you pay, you study.
That's a fair answer EXCEPT let's use the medical school example. If 50% of the seats were taken by people who wanted to study for self-interest/satisfaction and had no intention of pursuing a career - what happens to the community that is need of medical services? Should we as a community be okay that there are a lot of knowledgeable in the world, but who cannot/will not provide medical services?
Re: Importance of Agreements reached before marriage
There are many private medical schools in Pak whose fees can only be afforded by fewer people. Girls from well to do families seem to get admission in these schools just because their friends are doing it, they want the title, for satisfaction, rishta process etc. My cousin will be in the minority but since none of the women work in her family, she has this strict criteria and trying to get agreement with the guys families that she won't be doing job after marriage.
Re: Importance of Agreements reached before marriage
I know people who insist that their daughters will not work after marriage just to fend off potentials that expect the DIL to contribute to the family income.
Later when they find a suitable rishta and the marriage occurs the DIL suddenly changes her mind......
