Im very worried for her, shes in denial

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Im very worried for her, shes in denial

my cousin got married married, and her sister (my other cousin) would do the same thing with her brother-in-law, they would hold hands, etc... it was very strange... I think (or at least hope) they've grown out of that phase...

22

Re: Im very worried for her, shes in denial

I think it's weird, but it sounds like u have got your point across to them by making that commen in the car, so leave them to it now. If u do more it will be like you r interfering / meddling.

Foods and their name
23

hes 22 shes 24, he looks maybe younger like 20..

and i did ask her just now about his rishtas, she didnt say much except thats its ages away, hes got a sister first to marry off......

hes my cusin too...so maybe i could approach him...dnt know whow....is there a way i can make him approach the subject or figure out how he feels so that i can maybe give him the advice instead...

no i dont think she wanted to cry, but the dewar happened to come in the room after and asked her why she wasnt going out, and she had tear stained face.....so he was wiping her tears when i walked in........but he calls her bhabi consistently...he will say i miss u bhabi, he says that alot.....

24

Maybe as a joke, you can say........."You bhabi and devar hang out with each other so much that people could easily mistake YOU BOTH for being married. It wouldn't be fair to your older brother, lol" And then laugh.

^You can either do that.............or mention the issue in a general fashion with your bhabi. Just say........."I care about you as my cousin. I know you're a good wife who is faithful to her husband. And you have a good relationship with your dewar....but it's good to maintain a little distance because of the conservative culture we live in." (If you say it like this.......you're not making any accusations.)

After this..................BACK OFF! Don't push the issue further because you can risk putting ideas in their head. Not only that..........you can get in trouble as well. What if your cousins tell their parents about your comments........and then your aunt/uncle accuse YOU of having a dirty mind? Know what I mean?

So, pick one of the above ideas (either make a jokeful warning....or talk to your female cousin about it).............but only say something one more time........and then don't discuss the issue again. They are adults and can decide how to conduct themselves.

It's not affecting YOUR life or marriage.........so don't get too involved in it.

25

Re: Im very worried for her, shes in denial

My advice is...stay away from all of this...far far away.

If you are jumping to conclusions, you will look bad.

If you arent, you will look bad.

It may affect your marriage if you say something.

Your cousin is 24 years old...not 18...she doesnt need hand holding and is perfectly capable of managing her peronal life.

If she needs your help, she will ask for it.

For your own benefit, stay out of it.

26

Ditto that!!

I think she's mentioning the logic of "kill the messenger". Her husband shud be a man and take care of it himself.

The Hi/Bye Thread
27

Re: Im very worried for her, shes in denial

If she is like your sister then politely give her some dawah.

a man is a man at the end of the day.

Sing a Song according 2 Ur Mood !!!!!
28

Re: Im very worried for her, shes in denial

What is your relationship to her btw? :)

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im her cousin from her dads side, her dewar is her cousin from her mums side.

what do you mean a man is a man at the end of the day,,meaning if she doesnt feel that way her dewar most likely will...? #

WELL thats what i said to her....

30

Re: Im very worried for her, shes in denial

Some people are slightly liberal with their family members. Certain women in my family kiss their dewars on their cheeks. Whereas, the others just say "salaam" from a distance.

31

Re: Im very worried for her, shes in denial

They can't be doing that stuff. She should be that comfortable with her husband. I didn't read all of the replies, but does her husband even know about this?

32

Re: Im very worried for her, shes in denial

i think this is wrong..like i mean the 'stroking' business thats just weird..i mean regardless of the fact whether he 'looks' young the fact is he isnt..and their relation is such where this shudnt be happening..

33

This is a really strange scenario...how and why do you know about/notice all these details? I mean, the girl and her husband had an argument in front of you, then girl starts crying in front of you, meanwhile dewar comes and consoles right in front of you. Why didn't you console your cousin before your dewar so he didn't even need to come?

I think you really need to mind your own business, because you even thinking thoughts like that will lead to you sharing these concerns with someone in the family and then all hell will break loose cuz even if people weren't noticing before you mentioned it, they WILL notice afterwards. Would you really want to be responsible for messing with a perfectly good relationship or even breaking up someone's home?

34

i noticed because its blatently obvious. its not they sit there hiding and holding hands....they hold them in front of me....i noticed not so much in front of certain adults....but def in front of us cusins....ive also picked up on that when her hubby walks in, the dewar ( not her) looks abit shifty or atleast tried to let go of her hand....

i only noticed this for the 4 days i was there....after that i got married and came to my own house....but we had lots of parties afterwards, where we were hosting their dawat and as they were leaving, everyone had gone towards their car, while she was chatin to an aunt, her dewar waited for her, and then took her hand, and they walked out therestuarant holding hands.....no one said anything apart from my husband who lookeda t me like wtf....

anyway yh its not my business..but shes close to me for me to care for her..i did say to her once a while ago...that r u sure ur not marrying the wrong bro she didnt talk to me for days got all defensive and ranted at me..:/

35

Re: Im very worried for her, shes in denial

OK GUYS..well i just spoke to her, she understood what i said..phew we had a heart to heart.....she was chatin to him on msn mesenger, of them ..of the chatting...lets just say if he didnt call her bhabi in his sentences, it wud be a very diff convo....he did alot of muwah muwha muwah ( kisses) and then when she asked him wat? he said oh that was meant to be for my friend i accidentaly wrote that in ur box

im rolling my eyes at her right now...

i may have a dirty mind...what do the guppies think....

36

thats not nice.....kissing ur dewar....wtf....who does that

Time Pass... Feb 2014
37

Re: Im very worried for her, shes in denial

^ Regardless of what you do to solve this problem, I do appreciate your sense of morality and decency.

Time Pass... Feb 2014
38

Sara,

I'm not going to accuse the devar or bhabi of having romantic feelings for one another because I have no evidence.

BUT........I have observed that.........(and I know this will sound weird)......but sometimes when a person has a crush-like feelings on another person which they KNOW that they can't act upon........they will openly refer to their other person as "bhai" "baji" "bhabi".........and this is done to show the person AND others that nothing weird is going on (like a cover-up)......AND also for the person to remind themselves that nothing extra can happen in the relationship.

^Of COURSE........the above strategy is ALSO used when the feelings are not mutual. For example, let's say that a guy is interested in you BUT you don't return the feelings. You might call him "bhai" deliberately a few times to make it known that you don't feel the same.

It can be done either way.

39

Hmmmm........I remember once I was talking to two friends online.....and I accidentally typed a message meant for friend A in the message box for friend B. But the comment was one that was totally INANE/CASUAL.

It's possible that the devar could have typed the message in the wrong box.......BUT........."muwah muwah muwah"??????? Seriously??? It seems strange to me. Either he's a big flirt with ALL the ladies.........or something is up. Considering how conservative desi culture is, why would a guy even tell his bhabi that he was sending virtual kisses to some female friend?

I personally BELIEVE that you did the right thing by having a heart-to-heart talk with your cousin. By doing so, you've given her a heads-up so that she can be more alert in the future. That way.......later on........if something unusual happens........she can't say, "Oh I never saw it coming. Nobody warned me." As a Muslim woman.........as her sister.........kudos to you for doing your part in guiding her. NOW........Sara........leave it alone. Don't discuss the issue any further. Don't bring it up. Your cousin is an adult and can handle herself.

War on terror, what now?
40

Re: Im very worried for her, shes in denial

ok am I the only one here who doesnt believe for a second that any grown woman of 24 years of age is naive enough to think that its ok to hold hands with her devar just because he’s younger than her, and that too by just TWO frikkin years? Come onnnn :rolleyes: Yeah maybe if he’s 2 or 5 or even 7, but theres no reason to be holding hands with a 22 year old. It has nothing to do with culture or anything, you wont even see that in the most liberal gora families. This whole scenario is fishy and weird!