ok well, my cousin just got married. shes 24, her brother in law is 22, however he acts very young for his age and is very friendly and buubly with alot of ppl. he also gets away with chatting to girls as no one thinks hes flrting but merely being him…and friendly…NYWAY him and my cusin ( hes also my csin) were friendly from b4 she married his brother…anyway they jsut got married and she spent time with him, she got married same time as me, same week..in pak…and i noticed how close and comfy they were togehter, not in a bad way or anything, but just they were holding hands and everything and were always togehter, no one said anything cos maybe like i said he gets away with it and hes younger than her, and shes his bhabi he even calls her bhabi…but they r abit too close for comfort, they call each other bahbi and dewar and even her husbands cool with it…but im worried that too much contact with him may force feelings that dnt need to exist…is it possible for a man and a woman albiet him abit younger, to be platonic…or am i being weird and going to deep into something thats maybe platonic…she does lov her hubby thats clear to see too…it was a lov marriage..with her cusin…but im woried she may or the bro in law may develop feelings which dnt need to be there, with all thise cosiness and contact…
is there any way to detect these feelings from either side, or shall i just mind my own bisness…thanks
Mind your own business to an extent, if u r REALLY worried that people may stir the situation and make it bad for her, then you could suggest to her that holding hands with dewar might look a bit odd. But like u said, her hubby is ok with it.
Personally I wouldn't hold my dewar's hand, even if he is a bit younger.
hmmmm well ur worring is right u know in islam a dewar is said shaitan for bhabhi the feelings get any ways she has no right to such things were her ............i think but invain u cant do any thing so if her hubby is fine with it Allah bless her...
Mind your own business to an extent, if u r REALLY worried that people may stir the situation and make it bad for her, then you could suggest to her that holding hands with dewar might look a bit odd. But like u said, her hubby is ok with it.
Personally I wouldn't hold my dewar's hand, even if he is a bit younger.
^ Yeah, I thought the hand-holding was a bit odd too, Halwa.
I say pull your cousin to the side and talk to her. Tell her that although you know that she loves her husband and has no romantic feelings for her devar.............society has a bad habit of wagging their tongues over the smallest of things. This way..........you won't sound like you're accusing her of having a crush on her devar. Instead you'll just be giving her friendly general advice about how conservative desi society thinks. Know what I mean?
Another thing to consider is.........was your cousin close to her devar BEFORE marriage also? I mean did they hold hands BEFORE marriage too? If they did..........then it wouldn't seem unusual to others because that's the type of relationship they always shared. BUT.............if the hand holding suddenly started AFTER she got married....................then it has the potential to raise some eyebrows.
Ever thought you are the one reading too much into the situation?How about you not fix something that is not broken. Are you either one of the three involved in this supposed situation? No? Then mind your own business.
Seriously do all Pakistani girls become such busy bodies after they get married?
wven if u tell her theres no way shes goa lisn to u infact she may bcum concious n actually start thinking abt it even if bfr it wasnt in her head.so ignore it..everyone has to fite wid dere own demons of feelings...shes old enuf to deal wid her own feeings even if they develop!
On one hand, you should stay out of it.. As someone said, talking to her about it may stir up thoughts that were not there before.. Also, she's 24 years of age and should be able to deicpher between right and wrong and appropriate/inappropriate behaviour.
But on the other hand, it wouldn't hurt to have a quick word with her, but make it in a jokey way. For example ask her "Do you hold your Husbands hands the same way you hold your BIL's?" and then laugh it off.. It should ger her thinking..
She also needs to be reminded that he is not her Mehram.
Everyone around her sounds really liberal. Surprised that they hold hands. Lol!
Well her brother-in-law is her non-Mahram so anything is possible if they are that close to eachother. Heard of the expression* “the brother-in-law is death?”*
*"A real problem
This is the problem: a man marries a woman and brings her to his family’s home, where she lives happily with him, then his younger brother starts to enter upon her when her husband is absent, and they begin to talk in an affectionate or even passionate manner. This leads to two things: she begins to detest her husband, and grows attached to his brother, but she cannot divorce her husband, or do what she wants to with the other. This is the grievous torment. This story represents one aspect of corruption, besides which are other kinds which reach the level of immoral sexual conduct and illegitimate children."
*
well i guess its the way you portraying the situation here, i m sure, if something is wrong, before you, many will notice this and specially her husband and bhabi herself!
is she holding hand and going on long walks? or its just mere shaking hands?
both are different!
Come on, be "open-minded" and "understanding" and don't make a big deal even if you see them hugging/kissing as every "independant" girl (married or not) has the right to initimacy and stuff. The liberty to do whatever they want is the cornerstone of women's independance.... why would you wanna disturb that ?
You see you have to view the situation from an intellectual perspective as the girl may be seeking compensation for lack of intimacy from her husband.
On a serious note, I really do hate married girls who think its OK to unnecessraily socialize with na mehrem men.
they hold hands anyway..like i was sitting in the back of the car and she was in front with him driving and they were messing around and holding hands .......and i made a joke about ramadam and wat people in pak will think of these 2 besharam holding hands....they hold hands anyway, we all watchn the wedding film and they sitting there hes lieing down shes sititng next to him, stroking each others hands...ok so hes bit uounger he luks younger too....so maybe he gets away with it...they were cosey befor emarriage, but shes from the uk, so she hasnt seen him for 7 yrs,....until now. they alkways been close..no one says anything yet..im not worried about ppl...i just feel that she or he or both fancy each other without knowing....
im not sure wat else i can
i rem once her husband said something to her i think her and hubby were meqnt to go out, but hubby got angry at something so he didnt wana go... and she was crying, so her dewar saw that and was wiping her tears and got her to stop crying and took her out...well ok he took me and her mum too......so maybe im reading into it.
what do you guys think....by the way hubbys a lovely man too....every couple argue..but she has a knack of crying..and dewar walking in....see my drift....it just invites trouble....
they hold hands anyway..like i was sitting in the back of the car and she was in front with him driving and they were messing around and holding hands .......and i made a joke about ramadam and wat people in pak will think of these 2 besharam holding hands....they hold hands anyway, we all watchn the wedding film and they sitting there hes lieing down shes sititng next to him, stroking each others hands...ok so hes bit uounger he luks younger too....so maybe he gets away with it...they were cosey befor emarriage, but shes from the uk, so she hasnt seen him for 7 yrs,....until now. they alkways been close..no one says anything yet..im not worried about ppl...i just feel that she or he or both fancy each other without knowing....
im not sure wat else i can
i rem once her husband said something to her i think her and hubby were meqnt to go out, but hubby got angry at something so he didnt wana go... and she was crying, so her dewar saw that and was wiping her tears and got her to stop crying and took her out...well ok he took me and her mum too......so maybe im reading into it.
what do you guys think....by the way hubbys a lovely man too....every couple argue..but she has a knack of crying..and dewar walking in....see my drift....it just invites trouble....
Since WE have not personally witnessed the interactions between your cousin and her devar.......................we can't really say for certain what is going on between them. We can only base ideas on the information that you have provided. And in my opinion..........there interactions are a bit too close and can have the potential to cause future problems.
You say that she has a "knack of/for crying". I don't think one needs a special knack for crying. Crying comes naturally to most people when they feel emotionally overwhelmed. However, are you saying that your cousin brings on the water-works unnecessarily? In other words, are you saying that your cousin can be a bit of a drama queen OR that she uses tears as a way to manipulate a situation or gain favorable response? THAT is not right especially if it happens frequently. If the devar is frequently playing the hero who rescues his bhabi from distress every time she and her husband get into an argument...............................eventually this can take its toll on their marriage.
Have you ever asked her to start searching for rishtas for her devar? Hmmmmmmm.................I wonder what her reaction would be if you were to tell her this. If she becomes defensive or even jealous at the idea of finding a rishta for him....................then that is not good.
You say that he looks young and that he is young. Okay........so how old is he? Is their a huge age difference between bhabi and dewar. I mean.......is she in her twenties and he's still a teen and therefore she sees him as a kid-brother? Or are they closer in age?
It seems you've already tried talking to them in a general fashion using "Ramadan" as a reference point.........and it had no effect. You can try talking to her in a general fashion (without accusation) one more time. Sometimes we're not aware of how we're behaving and there's nothing wrong in warning someone. After that...........let it go and don't interfere. You've done your part in warning her about the conservative culture we live in.............in the end she is an adult and can make her own decisions.
