I'm feeling sick/confused

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I’ve been engaged for a few weeks at this point to a guy that I met in school and fell in love with. At the time, my mom was on my side (even though my dad wasn’t too happy) and I got engaged.

Admittedly, my fiance’s family is very different. I’m punjabi, they’re indian hydro. We’re pretty religious but no one wears hijab and his entire family is super religious + everyone wears hijab + they have lots of hafizes and whatnot. My mom got over that…But there were some “rukh-rukhao” stuff that my parents are having trouble swallowing.

  1. when they came to my house for the rishta to meet us, my parents laid out a nice spread of dinner and really went out of their way to do khaatr because that’s how both sides of the family are. We went over to THEIR house for dinner and it was a…mess. His mom can’t cook at all which wouldn’t be too bad but there was no order or hospitality at all. It was terrible and I was so mortified but I chalked it up to his mom being nervous (she had said that multiple times to us and my fiance…she finds my dad intimidating)

  2. The engagement was done at their place on their insistence so we obliged. It was a mess. It happened to be the same day as another relative’s graduation, so everything was unorganized. The “stage” was set haphazardly; I had to wear clothes that I got because his mom didn’t give me the clothes earlier (she did give me 3 suits and a purse and gold the day of the engagement) so I couldn’t wear them at the actual mangni. What was probably the most insulting to me/my family was the fact that they had all their relatives sitting on the chairs/tables and I had to eat food off my lap since there was no table offered to me/my mother/my friends and girl cousins. Then they had a cake cutting for that other relative’s graduation but my side wasn’t told about that so we just stupidly sat around while his aunts/cousins went there. No one offered us cake/dessert. The sister in law, who was in charge of organzing the engagement, “forgot” the decorations for the “stage” and “forgot” to do the rasams. Then his sister left our engagement early to go to a friend’s mehndi.

  3. They kept saying they wanted to do a wedding soon (in less than a year). My parents agreed and are prepping for a legit wedding because they know that’s what I want. My mom has been waiting for his mom to bring up the wedding and what their traditions are but she hasn’t at all. Today, they talked and all his mom said was “we just want a nikkah jaldi” and my mom said that that’s not how they wanted to do it and weddings can’t be rushed because of the amount of preps and his mom said that all that wasn’t necessary. This is weird because I’ve told my fiance, he’s told his mom, and my family has told his family that we want a real wedding with a mehndi/shaadi because that’s what I’ve always wanted/thats how we do things and they seemed fine with it. Now they’re saying nothing. My mom was planning on going to pakistan in a few months to go wedding shopping and asked how things work in terms of who gets who what jora for which day. When I asked my fiance he said he didnt know; I told him to ask his mom and he said that his mom didn’t know. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!? They have a sister in law that’s married and when I said that, he said that they didn’t do anything for his sister in law’s wedding. I’m so confused. I know they’re not stingy and I know they’re well off…so no idea.

At this point, my mom is making me feel like I FORCED them into having an engagement and I’m starting to have doubts. The guy makes me happy; and he’s been trying to do whatever he can to make things happen the way I want but I’m baffled by the mom’s behavior. She’s super sweet and nice and seems to like me and my family so no idea what’s going on. My mom basically just said she doesn’t think the rishta is going to last because 1) they’re using religion as a crutch to get away with doing nothing for the wedding 2) the mom seems mentally checked out of wanting to do anything for the wedding besides a nikkah which won’t fly with my family/me 3) they don’t have ‘tareekah’ and they don’t seem “khandaani” because of it–I kinda agree with the last part. They seemed really nice and religious but its kinda jarring how completely unorganized and weird their family is when it comes to hospitality. I’m not used to that.

I don’t know what to do or how to approach it. I’ve been avoiding talking to my fiance about this in detail because I don’t want him to think I’m complaining about his mom or poison his mind but I don’t know what else to do. My mom (and me,now) have a lurking suspicion that the mom and/or SIL isn’t too happy about this rishta and they’re trying to get away with doing as little as possible for the wedding. I know when the SIL got married (based on what little he’s told me and pictures), the wedding was…pretty blah. She didn’t get a ring for the wedding but I got one for the engagement and my fiance is more outspoken about my desires than her husband is (he’s a doormat in general). So my mom is making it sound like she might be jealous and messing things up on purpose…which would be absurd but I know that she messed up the engagement (I had chalked it up to an accident and her just being a failure at domestic activities of any sort) and I know she controls the houeshold (including my gonna be MIL).

I’m starting to stress because now I’m starting to feel like I made a HUGE mistake. I get my mom’s point: if the family doesn’t like me, there’s no way I’m gonna win–expecting him to give up his family is stupid, selfish and unrealistic. Even more than that, I’m realizing how DIFFERENT our families are. I thought it was just language, and some customs, but it seems like we vary a lot on what’s considered appropriate social behavior/how to give izzat to your inlaws, etc. I don’t know if it’s possible to be so clueless about desi culture and customs when you’re desi yourself and married into a indian/pakistani household. How is it that I know more about what wedding traditions and expected behaviors than an aunty who’s married off a kid already, has numerous nieces/nephews that are married, has siblings and inlaws that she’s married and HAS BEEN MARRIED HERSELF in India. I’m trying to find a legitimate (and not negative) reason that someone could be so clueless but I have nothing. But I don’t know if this is valid or I’m freaking out because of my mom’s rant. I don’t know what to do.

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

Well there you go. They're not doing anything to you specifically. For whatever reason, his mom is not into doing the typical desi stuff for weddings. It has nothing to do with money....it just seems to be her personality. So you need to decide what you want.

Option 1: Marry this guy and have a blah wedding.
Option 2: Break it off, find another guy, and have your dream wedding.

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

SIL didnt get a ring for wedding ! What kinda family is that.

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

ibteda-e-ishq hai rota hai kia......aagay aagay daikhyee hota hai kia

You are just two DIFFERENT families. If you both love enough to ignore the differences, then go ahead may be you will be able to bring in fresh change to their family but It does not seem like it. You are already having a second thought. Thats why I always say, marriage is not only b/w guy and girl but also b/w 2 families (at least in our culture...most of the time).

PS: Dont get offended but seems like your mom does not like it either and she would rather have this finish now and blame it on their family.

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

I think you should think about the differences in his family overall more than focusing on how they're dealing with this wedding. The wedding is just once incident. Like you've already said your fiancee's family are different, and they're not going to change after the wedding. There are potentially hundreds of situations that could come up later whether they're to do with where you live, or children, or how often you visit, or the way you behave, etc. So really you need to decide if this guy is worth the adjustments you might have to make to get along with his family, not only for the wedding but later on as well.

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

It honestly seems like she's not into doing typical desi things at all in general. I've never gone to a "dawaat" like the one we went to at their house. I wish I could explain "blah" it wasn't even like a toned down wedding--we're fine with that and don't want anything extravagant. They were wearing completely plain clothes, there were no decorations, there was no stage (it was literally 2 chairs) and my SIL was wearing minimal jewelry/didn't look like a bride.

Ugh I know I sound like a hater right now. It's not even about the wedding itself; I don't get it because when we said yes to the wedding this year we made it clear that we wanted a WEDDING and not just a simple nikkah (for a lot of reasons my family is against a nikkah w/o rukhsati) and they were 100% on board. I typically would have no problem asking directly about what they expect from us for the wedding, but I already asked my fiance and he said he didn't know. I told him to ask his mom and she said that my walima suit budget was...$500...and when I told him that was ridiculous and I couldn't get anything for that, he said that he didn't know because that's what his mom said his SIL suit cost. And when my mom tries to bring up what the expectations are, his mom just says "we don't need to do anything".

Obviously, I think I'm being rash and freaking out after my mom's rant. Hence, I'm posting here to get calm/objective advice instead of talking to my fiance. I'm not gonna break off the engagement right this instant over this conversation with my mom but I want to know what would be an appropriate way to discuss these concerns with my fiance...if at all.

She got a ring for the wedding, my bad. It's just a plain band with nothing on it. She didn't get anything for the engagement, even though they did have one. I told my fiance that was weird and he said it was because his mom 'didn't know what to do at an engagement'. WHAT.

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

Im not offended at all; I agree with you. I'm just hurt because if my mom had given me this indication earlier (which she didn't), I wouldn't have told her I really wanted to get engaged now. She's making me feel like I forced my parents to have the engagement and I gave them no choice--which isn't true. I know my dad wasn't happy with is, but my mom was always on my side about making this happen and it's really confusing/disorienting to have her suddenly spin it this way. I 100% agree that marriage is between families and I thought our families would move past the differences, but I'm starting to get worried.

I'm more concerned about the wedding in the sense that their "true nature" is coming out. I think I may be harping on it a little more because my mom has suddenly planted the idea that my fiance's SIL may not be into me (I've had that lurking suspicion since I met her for whatever reason...her and her mom made everything out to be a competition at the engagement) so I'm scared that this is foreshadowing of things to come.

The hijab thing doesn't/being more conservative doesn't bother me. But it DOES bother me if you're trying to force us into having a rushed nikkah even though we've told them that we're not into that. There's a different between being simple for Islam's sake and not having the adab to be a good host/make someone feel welcome. I get that my SIL was invited to another mehndi but...I thought it was ridic strange that she was allowed to just up and leave her brother's engagement

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

You have 2 options now

1) Back out now. Your family is already supportive of that option. Its seem like you will recover soon too and would be OK soon.

2) Seems like the guy is on your side so go ahead with the marriage and once you are there try to bring positive change to their family. It wont be overnight but can happen. Sometimes one new person of the family, who is proactive can bring the fresh prospective. You wont be able to change them radically but at least to the level that both families will be able to socialize without much fuss. Another option would be to move out but dont count on that.

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

weirdly enough, moving out is the most realistic option. Only because neither one of us lives with our families already (because of school) and we're going to be moving nowhere near home for residency/fellowship (neither of our home states offer many choices of matching together for our specialty). He's mentioned multiple times living alone either way in the VERY VERY VERY unlikely event that we end up in the same town (won't happen). I just don't want my parents to be hurt by the way his mom's treating them (whether knowingly or unknowingly, if she truly is as clueless and she's making herself out to be) and the wedding to be a complete wreck (I know that's a very petty thing to get hung up on so I'm trying not to focus on that). My bigger concern is my mom's theory that my inlaws aren't happy with the rishta which is why they're not into this whole wedding planning thing. I don't want to be married into a family where they don't like me and weren't okay with me. There's a difference between accepting a rishta and being truly happy with the match and I'm getting the idea that no one's truly happy...

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

should I approach my fiance about my concerns or is that bad? How would I do that without making it seem like I'm hating on his mom...?

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

Op you have to understand that not all families have these kind of desi traditions. Turst me, it kind of shocked me to but after working in the wedding business Ive learned that every Pakistani family has a REALLY different way of doing things. I have been to those weddings where nothing is arranged, everyones just shows up as if its a get together and then there have been those weddings where every kind of rasam is performed. If she doesn't know, well she probably doesn't because her family didn't do these kinds of things. Some families are strictly about the Nikah and some are about full Ruksati. My inlaws brought the whole lets just get it over and done with thing and my parents were like no way, we have one daughter and we need to marry her in the way we consider it proper to do so. A nikah without a formal Ruksati won't cut it. But you know what it happens and people have different traditions. Pakistani culture varies from family to family sometimes and you have to consider that a lot of the cultural aspects of your life could change after marriage because your fiancee family just doesn't operate that way. If your parents need to have a wedding then maybe have your mom explain the importance of traditions in your family to his mother and that you will be needing to arrange for banquet halls and clothing and other traditions. If she doesn't know, is it necessary to bring it up to her every time? Like your family will probably have to go on with the cost of the dress and things that you feel you need to do and let them handle their Valima the way they want..

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

some people avoid rasams because of religious reasons. may be they are one of those families.

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

It's not even about the rasams, i dunno the whole "I don't know what to do" thing the soon to be MIL has going on is VERY strange to me tbh. and then there's the basic lack of hospitality, most religious people know what hospitality is, so when someone doesn't exhibit it but claims to be very religious.....that's weird

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

I think the wedding is going to reveal how they operate. Some families are just plain strange. My uncle's family does everything at least 6 hours late. Going to their weddings makes everyone legit cry but that's how they are and that's how they do stuff.

So you either accept that. There are things that will offend you but it's probably not personal and they would have behaved that way with everyone.

If you want to marry the guy then don't expect a perfect wedding and the rakh rakhao is not important and you can find it in yourself to just take their quirks as innocent and inoffensive then you should take things forward. If you can't live with this forth rest of your life then maybe you should call it off. You can't spend your life being resentful of not getting the right reaction.

If the wedding goes ahead may I suggest a wedding planner that both families jointly pay for that takes care of organisation for all the events. That will at least give you the wedding you want. Maybe pull out some funds for your first big dawat for a caterer who decorate as well so you can at least give your relatives post wedding positive stuff to talk about.

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

Yeah, I think in their eyes they're doing it as a "lets get it over with and make it as painless as possible" but my parents are taking it a completely different way. I'm the first one in the entire fam to get married outside of Pakistan and my parents are having a difficult time letting go of some of their archaic traditions (my mom said she refuses to bring up a wedding date until his family flies out to our state in person to set a wedding date in person). It's frustrating because instead of helping me get over it or moving past it, it's become something of a thaana, "it's your fault we're having to deal with this family that doesn't know adab. YOU forced us to have an engagement"...even though I didn't and at the time I 100% had my mom's approval. My fiance knows how OCD I am about wedding details and exactly what I want (he had me email him the exact dress w/ the exact designer for the walima) and said that he'll make sure they do whatever they need to so I can get the wedding I want. So I feel bad even harping on it over and over again. My parents are driving me crazy though. It's a lot of "if they do what they did at the engagement with their ghetto-ness then we won't be able to face our community again"...mind you, my inlaws are all drs/lawyers...so it's not like they're straight from the village or anything.

I thought that at first, but I asked my fiance and he said that they're fine with most rasams. He said that no one in his family has ever had an engagement because they tend to do a straight nikkah after the baat pakki so that's why the engagement was a jumbled mess. My mom, however, isn't buying that.

Yeah, I mean I completely get that my parents are an anomaly and really really hospitable hosts but this was...kinda insane. The food was HORRIBLE, she forgot to get dessert and when she called her family to bring it...no one did because they didn't think it was necessary. The chai was sloppily just handed to us...it was just awk. Had it been an arranged rishta setting, my parents would've said no...so that's what made me sad...

My fiance's own words are that his mom is kinda a ditz with most things and will go along with whatever makes people (in this case, my family) happy. So he said that she's not very good with this rasam stuff because she's kinda clueless about everything in general. I dunno...i agree, it's really strange. I grew up in the US and I STILL know most rasams.

I mean, the sad truth is, that I"m the odd one out in the family. And my fiance is the odd one out of his family too...he's much more moderate, more orderly, more strict/OCD bout things so I was surprised when I found out what his family was like. I don't expect a perfect wedding because quite frankly, I learned my lesson from my engagement which was far from what I had wanted. I just don't want my mom to tell me that she knows I'm gonna have a horrible wedding and a horrible life because she thinks my future in-laws are classless and don't have tameez. I would hire a wedding planner for his stuff too but he's in a different state and he's assured me that he'll make sure the walima is up to my standards. The two of us are on the same page, but its our parents that aren't seeing eye to eye, unfortunately.

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

OP, you mentioned that your fiance family is very religious so this could be the reason that they don't won't to do all the rasams and dhoom dharaka in the wedding. There are families that don't do any mehndi/rasams etc and only few elders from the guy's family go to the girls family to give the "Bari" stuff. it is just done in a simple way. and may be your in-laws want to do it this way as well.
you said you did get 3 suits and gold in your engagement so i think they would bring you shadi bari as well but may just in the way i mentioned above. you yourself said that they are not stingy so it might just be that they want to observe simplicity when it comes to weddings.
also your SIL's wedding was done the same way so i don't think that they are doing it to you because they don't like you and have not accepted you. Your concern that your SIL might not like you, could be a valid one but you see, whether your SIL likes you or dislikes you shouldn't carry much weight to be honest. there is no guarantee that even if you get married in the family which is like yours, all members of your in-laws would like you by default. as you know, it just doesn't happen. what should be of importance here, is how your MIL is treating you and if she has accepted you, and it seems from your post that she is nice to you.

your concern: your fiance's sister went to her friend's function is also not something you should be concerned of. she did attend her brother's engagement, it was not that she was not there at all in the function, she just left early and in my opinion its nice that she managed both her brother's function and her friend's function.

your concern about the valima suit that they are getting for something only $500. Here you need to see, if your fiance is giving money for your valima dress, if he is then you can check with him if he can raise his budget, and if the dress will be purchased by your MIL/FIL's money, then i think it should be up to them to decide how much they want to spend on it. Also, as your MIL said that your SIL suit costs the same, she probably wants to keep a balance between shadi things for both DILs so the current DIL or his own son, do not bring up issues like you spend little on ours and more on them etc etc( which does happen in families).

on your concern: that you and your parents want a traditional wedding, i suggest that you could still do that in your nikkah/wedding function as that would be arranged by your parents. like you can get your dress according to your liking and budget, you can wear all the jewelry you want and get dressed up the way you wan like a traditional bride, have lots of decorations at the venue, nice stage and all. Also, you can have mayun/dholkis functions at your place where you could invite all the people and friends you want and enjoy. you can invite your in-laws too at those functions but don't put any demands that they should do this and that rasam etc. And don't put any demand that they should do Valima(which will be hosted by them) in so and so manner. Let them do it the way they want.

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

First of all, jaha abbhi ye sab chal raha hai do not make your life hell, if you are not comfortable with them, as its not wrokable.... 100% done...

secondly, why are you confused, you said fromt he school age you love him then you must know his family values and he must know yours, Respect your fianceee never be against your respect or his respect in anycase, but if the relation is totally depending upon your in laws, then do not put your feet in this shoe, its not yours try to get away from here, and avoid another family disaster, another divorce, and 2 more lives and 1 disturbed family.

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

Wedding is a weekend event. You wont even remember it after six months in marriage. Just make sure you have made the right choice for the lifetime.

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

There always are a lot of sacrifices needed in a marriage and i would think the intensity multiplies in diff culture/religion marriages. Some individuals are better at adjusting to all the changes and differences where some are not. So you are the best judge here, only you can figure out how much you can take.

in my opinion, from your post it seems like you won't be able to do it and i would agree to that stance. So i think you need to move on.

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Re: I'm feeling sick/confused

Your potential in laws sound kind of like us--we like to keep our marriages simple. We didn't even have a formal engagement and went straight for the nikah. Of course my (now) wife and her family were all on the same page about this. Although, when it comes to hospitality, well that's the one thing we'll spend money on for a wedding. We made sure everyone was well fed and that the food was good.