Re: I'm feeling sick/confused
You have two choices either go for the guy of your dreams whose family is not perfect or marry the guy whose family is perfect for your family but whom you don't know well. You can't have both right now.
The compromise has to be such you can live with long term.
Honestly your mil sounds more scatter brained than malicious. If she were an evil mil then I would urge you to back away but if she's educated and kind then her actions may seem strange but her intentions are not bad. Ultimately the rasmain and the stuff you want is part of a dikhawa and log kya kahein gay mentality which I personally don't like either and your mil not have had to deal with before.
You also have to be proactive. Know your inlaws enough to predict their actions and find a solution beforehand. Don't be the person who knows things are going to go wrong and then waits to cry about it. My uncle whose family is always late were so late at their son's wedding that the bride missed her photoshoot. That was plain dumb because she knew about their lateness and let things run the way they always do. The only person who lost out was her.
I agree. I don't think she's malicious; even my fiance has said that his mom is a ditz about stuff and tends to just say whatever she thinks will diffuse the situation, not realizing that she might come off as uninterested. He clarified from his mom that they just meant that they dont' want to trouble us with an over the top wedding but they're fine with whatever we want to do.
I know his parents aren't very image-concious but my social circle is. That, coupled with the fact that my extended fam in Pak is making really weird remarks about how I'm much better looking than him and I look "ajeeb" with their family because I'm way too modern compared to them and stuff, is poisoning my mom's brain so now she's saying stuff like she did yesterday. :S And the dikhawa part unfortunately is present in my family to a certain degree; their main problem with my fiance's family is that they're TOO simple (my SIL doesn't wear any makeup and only wears abayas) and that they have to deal with what other people say about this.
His mom is not preventing you from having a fancy wedding. Your family is planning the mehndi/ruksati right? His mom already told you they don't have any expectations other than a simple nikah. Well, that does not mean that you and your mom can't plan the event any way you want. Just don't expect your future MIL to participate/dress up fancy.
Even for the walima suit…she gave you a a budget of $500. She never said that you can only spend $500 or ask to go shopping with you did she? Assuming I'm right that she did not….then just take the $500, and buy whatever dress you wan….and have your parents pitch in the rest and NEVER mention a word about it to your fiance/his parents.
Again, nothing is preventing you from planning a nice wedding. But stop expecting his mom to participate or pretend that she's excited about it b/c that is not her personality.
I'm not sure what you feel needs to be discussed with your fiancé. His mother's personality is not going to change. Complaining about how his mother is behaving….especially when the complaints are so superficial, certainly is not going to do anything positive for your relationship with him.
I think your's mom rant is very inappropriate. She knows you and this guy like each other. Your mom does not have any complaints about the guy. Yet for her to rant to you about his family's behavior or even refusing to set a wedding date unless his entire family flies to your state is ridiculous. This is a time for your mother to focus on YOUR happiness. And her ranting is not really contributing to that.
Your mother (and even you) should realize that wedding is just that one day. The happiness of a marriage has nothing to do with wedding stages, what type of clothing people wear on that day, how a wedding date was set etc. In the long term, these are stupid details. Look at some of the other threads here on how other girls are having issues meeting a decent guy who will marry them. You managed to find a guy that you like, who likes you back! So far you seem to have a good relationship with your fiancé who is doing his best to be supportive of you. His mother also seems to be nice even though her personality is is odds with yours/your mom's. If you and your mother keep harping about material things….both these relationships (your fiancé and his mom) has the potential to go sour real fast. So please really think about what your priorities are LONG TERM before you have any type of "discussion" with your fiancé and/or his mom.
The walima outfit example I just gave to illustrate how clueless she is. I know that they're not stingy or anything like that, like I said before. For my engagement, they asked me what style I wanted and ended up spending 2-3x what I thought they would to make sure I got EXACTLY what I wanted. Even now, my fiance said to give him the exactly clothes I want along with the designers and he'll make sure that's what they are.
I think it just got to me yesterday because , yes--I'll admit I'm kinda superficial and into clothes/fashion, and my mom saying that I was trying to plan for a classy wedding was useless because my in-laws aren't the type to pull off a function like that and I got kind of...sad/upset. But you're right. It's just one day.
The only discussion I had with my fiance was to make sure that he knew that my fam was against just a nikkah and that we want a full wedding and he said that he knows that and that his mom mistakenly said Nikkah only to take the pressure off my parents to throw a lavish wedding on fairly short notice. But he said that he'll make sure that it happens exactly how we want.
You're right; I have a very caring fiance aH which is why my mom's rant bothered me even more and I guess I panicked and overreacted. It's hard to have your parents (who you've tried to please) tell you that the person that makes you really happy isn't good enough and that you can do better and that they were forced by you to say yes to an engagement. Kinda a ****ty feeling. :/
OP, you mentioned that your fiance family is very religious so this could be the reason that they don't won't to do all the rasams and dhoom dharaka in the wedding. There are families that don't do any mehndi/rasams etc and only few elders from the guy's family go to the girls family to give the "Bari" stuff. it is just done in a simple way. and may be your in-laws want to do it this way as well.
you said you did get 3 suits and gold in your engagement so i think they would bring you shadi bari as well but may just in the way i mentioned above. you yourself said that they are not stingy so it might just be that they want to observe simplicity when it comes to weddings.
also your SIL's wedding was done the same way so i don't think that they are doing it to you because they don't like you and have not accepted you. Your concern that your SIL might not like you, could be a valid one but you see, whether your SIL likes you or dislikes you shouldn't carry much weight to be honest. there is no guarantee that even if you get married in the family which is like yours, all members of your in-laws would like you by default. as you know, it just doesn't happen. what should be of importance here, is how your MIL is treating you and if she has accepted you, and it seems from your post that she is nice to you.
your concern: your fiance's sister went to her friend's function is also not something you should be concerned of. she did attend her brother's engagement, it was not that she was not there at all in the function, she just left early and in my opinion its nice that she managed both her brother's function and her friend's function.
your concern about the valima suit that they are getting for something only $500. Here you need to see, if your fiance is giving money for your valima dress, if he is then you can check with him if he can raise his budget, and if the dress will be purchased by your MIL/FIL's money, then i think it should be up to them to decide how much they want to spend on it. Also, as your MIL said that your SIL suit costs the same, she probably wants to keep a balance between shadi things for both DILs so the current DIL or his own son, do not bring up issues like you spend little on ours and more on them etc etc( which does happen in families).
on your concern: that you and your parents want a traditional wedding, i suggest that you could still do that in your nikkah/wedding function as that would be arranged by your parents. like you can get your dress according to your liking and budget, you can wear all the jewelry you want and get dressed up the way you wan like a traditional bride, have lots of decorations at the venue, nice stage and all. Also, you can have mayun/dholkis functions at your place where you could invite all the people and friends you want and enjoy. you can invite your in-laws too at those functions but don't put any demands that they should do this and that rasam etc. And don't put any demand that they should do Valima(which will be hosted by them) in so and so manner. Let them do it the way they want.
Yeah, Like I said, I don't think they'll actually give me a $500 dollar suit because she already told my fiance ot make sure I get the exact dress I want because she knows I care a lot about my clothing/appearance. I just am baffled at how a grown woman who has attended countless weddings/gotten married herself/had to plan a son's wedding can be so utterly clueless about something like this...the amount ($500) for the budget just seemed absurd and that + my mom's rant about how she thinks my MIL/SIL hate me made me think that they were trying to make a point.
It’s certainly not your future MIL. You seem to be aware of the fact that wedding is just that 1 day versus marriage is for a life-time. And it sounds like you/husband will be living separately so his mother’s personality is not going to be an issue on a daily basis after marriage.